quite the blow

i thought i was doing okay; actually later she even said so.

but like normal, i'm a day late and a dollar short.

something obviously happened over the weekend. she hasn't mentioned it and won't, and i know i shouldn't ask, especially since i sorta did and she avoided it all together. i could be wrong (there's a first) but i dunno... somethings changed.

so whatever's changed has her even more pulled back. she's trying to tell me how she's now completely given up on sex, with anyone, and that i should find other people. i took it as though she'd moved closer to her decision (to stay where she's at, with bf) and that she's preparing me for the inevitable. trying to ease me into the worst heartache of my life.


it frustrates me so much that she thinks "sex" is the main reason i want her. why can't she understand that "love != sex"? if i wanted her for sex i'd have given up a long time ago. i want -her-. her mind, her heart, her love, her attention, her affection. i want her hand. i want to see her see me and see her eyes light up because she's happy i'm there. i want to hear her voice smile when she hears me call just to say hi.

but instead, she has to watch what she tells me lest she give me a clue as to who she is. she has to be aware when i'm in the state and keep an eye out for me. she has to continue to use calling cards so i don't get her phone number.

she won't give me her name or phone number and i think that somehow she'll want to give me her heart?

why does finding someone to love, someone you want to give your heart to completely, have to hurt so much? why couldn't she want me the same as i want her?

what is the hold he has on her?

i would give anything to be the object of her desire. to be the one she loves.