the outline of a plan

i've heard people say before that "getting laid off was the best thing that ever happened to me". i'm not gonna go that far, but it seems as though there's several things kinda converging on/around me now.

getting laid off - well that's always an experience, i'm sure. then, a former coworker (W) calls and offers me side work. a small chunk initially, but with the potential for ongoing work. that's cool. then by just-laid-off-from employer wants to bring me back as a contractor. limited duration engagement, but good bucks. that's cool.

because of some property sales last year and living pretty frugally (well, except for booze and hobby stuff ;-) ), i'm doing okay financially (not enough to keep her in the manner in which she become accustomed, but that's not an issue now anyway). okay enough that i don't have to panic - i can take some time to find work. of course, if this side work pans out, that plus an occasional contract gig might be plenty.

B's been talking to me for some time about getting back into dating and i'd been kinda warming to the idea. figured it'd be a distraction. something to do, but absolutely non-seriously, until B made her decision. but now, with the feelings i'm getting that she's decided, even if she doesn't know it yet... i don't think i can do it. i'm not going to do it. her loss is something i'm just gonna have to deal with, process slowly, however much i can handle at a time.

i haven't been really motivated professionally for several years. i'm not excited now either, but i'm a little interested in getting some self-employment work going. maybe it'll hold me till i get over B ("get over B" - that sounds so absurd. like getting over dying) and till my child support ends. at that time (assuming i'm still around) i can drop my required income by a third. less pressure. less failure.

so i have my near future mapped out. side work from W. day work at my previous employer. i can put a few hours in for each in the evenings and the weekends. on nice days i'll get away for a couple hours and engage in my hobby when the weather's nice. occasional sex. no social life - i can't do it now, can't even imagine trying to be charming or witty or act interested in another woman when i feel so desolate inside. any woman i'd talk to would just remind me that i wasn't enough for B. i'm the loser and now i have to look for someone who -will- take me. someone who's standards aren't as high.

everytime i see a woman approximating B on the street or see a couple together, i ache. there's no way i can even think about trying to date now. in the meantime, it'll be a good opportunity for me to get my professional skills back up to snuff, get interested in working again.

maybe next year.