is it all over but the shouting?

it feels .... bad.

she's tired. stressed. overwhelmed.

i don't fulfill her needs anymore. she said "i'm soooo stressed and feel sooooo overwhelmed and unheard and unlistened to and un understood".

for a long time i was the one who listened to her, heard all the things she wanted to say. i was the one who understood her as no one else ever has. i could still be those to her, if only we had time.

but we don't have time. she has a business to run. a home. a life with a lover and a partner. any two of those would be more than enough to fill all of one's time. all three together make a very busy schedule. then add in a distraction like me, especially bad because she can only give me time during her work day - the period when it causes her the most stress.

i'm soooo ... un understood. i would, i could, i want to. but she's so stressed, with so little time in general, much less time to devote to me. she holds things in, often doesn't tell me what's going on.

more than ever, i think my time in her life is limited. she can't keep this up. she's struggling to keep her head above water and i'm so much deadweight sitting on her shoulders.

it's so profoundly sad. we both want this relationship and the one we haven't been able to have. i don't have a voice in the decision. and she's loyal to him and their life and their history together.

so we both lose. at least, we both lose out on what could have been. she wins because she gets to make the decision, she can have what she wants - what she has.

i wonder if she remembers what we were like, what we could be like? will she miss it? or is it already a distant memory?