every weekend a three day weekend

ever since we lost the phones, i've hated weekends. it used to be that she had a couple of hours for us to spend together on fridays after the office closed. then saturday mornings we'd have hours to talk. and she'd call whenever else she could - sometimes not at all, sometimes 3 or 4 times, just for a quick hi.

that's all gone. has been for over a year. and ever since we've been slowly losing time. she doesn't usually take lunch on fridays because the office closes early. she's always stressed because of the shortened day she won't get as much done. and he expects her to leave as soon as the office closes. and she knows it kills me that we have no time.

less time than "normal" on fridays. no saturdays. no sundays. no quick hi's. and 67 hours until she's back on monday.

two and a half days +. two and a half days waiting for her to come back, hoping for the joy of talking to her during the week.

she hates when i do this. sometimes i do too, but then i'm the guy (with that certain mental illness) that does shit like count ceiling tiles and sidewalk sections.

168 hours in a week
25% of her time spent in the office
63% of her life spent physically with bf
0% of her time spent physically with me
6% of her time talking or IMing with me

meaningless statistics, of course. and it really means nothing that he gets her physically next to him 10.5 times as much as i even get her attention.

in marketing, they say "mindshare" is what counts. i can't even begin to guesstimate how much she thinks about me. it's probably shocking how much i think of her. during a normal work day, that it, during the normal 10 hours i'd spend in the office, i'd bet the longest period of time that would pass without thinking of her might be 20 minutes. the shortest -amount- of time i might think of her would be perhaps 5 seconds. the longest period of time i might think of her? 30 minutes, before realizing i better start doing something else. on average, i'd say my "dream of B" breaks were about 4-5 minutes. at home it'd be completely different. she's with me constantly. there might be 10 minutes where i don't think of her. and i wouldn't have a 30 minute B-break - rather, it's more like she's completely a part of my thoughts, almost right there with me, 90% of the time, and if i get distracted for a while, perhaps her visage recedes from my sight for a few minutes.

it's scary, almost. but i welcome having her with me. at least, for as long as she'll let me. if it were up to me, that'd be the rest of my life. but for now i can only hope for a day or a week at a time.

i've told her but i know she thinks i exaggerate - when i wake up during the night, i look at the clock and my first thought is usually "i wonder if she's sleeping and if she's not, what's she thinking of?"