so much confusion and pain and uncertainty. gotta get it out but i don't even know what to say. i'm not even sure what it means. can't think straight about it, can't keep my thoughts straight.
i keep thinking that i'm the guy at the beginning of "A Tale of Two Cities"... what's that he says? "It's a far, far better thing i do than i have ever done. it's a far, far better place i go to than have ever been"? something like that.
seeems appropriate. he's waiting for his life to end (at the guillotine), but iirc, his captors think he's someone else and he's not saying anything. he's giving up his life to enable someone else to get away.... ok, maybe not a great analogy... but similar. i see no future for myself, but i can hopefully help someone else, someone i so dearly care about, have a future. and that's okay.
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