illusions of the heart

it's comical really. older men who think younger womenn might be interested int hem. maybe sad is a better description.

thingis we really are friends. so why ,in the typicle guy fashion do i then assume that friendship must mean she also wants me? geeezus. its sad, ya know?

when we first talked today, g-d i'd waited for her for so long. so long. i could hear in ther voice right away that something was sdifferent. and she kept bringing up my weekned activiities. she just doesnt' get that they only exsist because she won't have me. does she really think i'd have -this- life and these things instaed of her? id give it all up in a hartbeat just to be close to her, just to have lunch with her. i'd fly tehre every weekend for just a couple horus of her time. she thinks i exagerate when i tell her these things. she has no idea. she's young and has no idea what it means to either run out of time or to finalyl find the one youv'e been searching for for so long. she has time. she has him. she has financial comfort. she has ease. she doesn't have the meloncholy that comes from seeing htat youve' spent too many years not living. too many years with your heart closed, not giving everythign that you have to the one the -one- that is wortyh of it. too many years just going on, jsut getting by, just existing day to day instea d of living. she hasnt yet woken up and looked back on the calendars wasted,t eh days months and years spent dully going form sunup to sundown knowing knowing that there must be more.

she doens't knowt hte pain and i hope she never does of waking up only to find that its too late. you can't play in the game because someonee lse was here first. seniority takes presedents over love and feelings. to late to the game too bad. she still has this notion that life and lvoe is fair and that being fair means itl'l all work out in the end. she hasn't let discovered that love isn't fair that life isn't fair that somethime you can be the rright guy and still not get the girl.

that's a hard leson to learn.

smetimes it's better that our illusinos stay instact. better to continue to think taht eveyrthing wil work out than to know that they wont.