stuck

i get stuck sometimes. sometimes physically stuck, sometimes emotionally, sometimes mentally.

right now i'm stuck mentally. i can't work. i try, but no thoughts come. it's all her. her and him and the situation and knowing she's there, still there and likely to stay there. it's knowing i can't have her. knowing we need more time and knowing that there is no more time to have. knowing (i think) that she wants me but not enough to change her life. knowing that i'm alone, that i can't see myself with someone else nor can i see myself without her. my thoughts go round and round, her, me, him, why can't we, why won't she open up to me, why why why whynot whynot whynot.

i would be good for her, i think. certainly i'd be good to her. but then, so is he, so there's no advantage for her there. i would not be good for her financial life, for her economic comfort. my other obligations are too high. besides which my earnings and earning power have basically peaked. he's already far ahead of me as far as what he can provide her with and he's got a fifteen to twenty year advantage on me.

socially i wouldn't be good for her either. her network of friends and family are largely -their- friends and -his- family. all that would go away were i to be her SO. and it'd be harder for her/us to make new friends because her peers would be ?hesitant? to embrace me (so much older) and my peers (which i know none in her area) would be hesitant to embrace her (though not so much because she's so vivacious and alive).

i would bring her passion and lust. but at what cost? at the cost of friends and family, financial security and perhaps the highest cost - effort. she's said that the effort of being, having and maintaining a close, intimate and passionate relationship might not be worth it. it's so much easier to have a shallow one.

why do i want "us" so much? is it because it'd be good for both of us? or because it'd be good for me? and would it even be good for her? there's a good chance it wouldn't be. in which case she should stay in her life. supposedly love conquers all. but would it be worth it, for her?