i realize now the main thing we miss out on by not having our saturdays anymore. we never have any time where she's not doing something. there's never a time when she has nowhere to be or nothing to do and lots of time to do it in. when we had our saturdays, it was us. just us. she had nothing to do but relax and spend time talking. no deadlines, no hurrying back from lunch, no 10 minutes as she runs to do an errand. time. time to do nothing but relax and enjoy.
but not anymore. at most there's 45 mins between the end of work and when she "has to leave, right now". usually it's less, 15-30. every four or five weeks she might get 2 minutes to call for a quick hello on the weekend. she doesn't take the phone so we can't have the 30 mins of commute time to and from work, which although time spent on the way to somewhere else, was always a more relaxed time.
i believe she misses our time. but as she melds more and more back into their life together, undistracted, will that memory fade too?
until finally i'm a fond memory of someone she knew, back when?
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
hate it
i hate my life, this life. hate it. long periods of 'without her' punctuated by brief periods of 'with her'.
i want this emptiness over.
except for those brief periods where she smiles on me, it's empty, i'm empty.
it could be so much more.
if only she were in it. in it more. in all of my life.
i want his life.
i want this emptiness over.
except for those brief periods where she smiles on me, it's empty, i'm empty.
it could be so much more.
if only she were in it. in it more. in all of my life.
i want his life.
the unbearable passage of time
she wonders why i'm silent sometimes when we're on the phone.
does she not know the torture of not having her? of not having the love and the life that's so desperately wanted? if it was right for her like it is for me, she'd know it. she'd feel the unbearable wrongness of separation. and she'd fix it.
but she doesn't feel it or know it.
i wonder if she's doing what she said she was going to do - honestly evaluate her life to see if it's what she wants. i fear not. it's too easy to get lulled into complacency, to become used to the day to day routine. add to that that with her less distracted their relationship has to be getting better, going more smoothly. lending more weight to her feeling that what she has is in fact pretty good and therefore she should stay.
she feels no pressure as the days, weeks, months even years pass by while i feel the crushing weight of each passing day as being one more brick sealing her into her life with bf, one more empty day in what will become the rest of my life, empty without her. she has youth, she has money, she has him. i don't have youth, don't have money. don't have her.
i have the loss of her. i have the knowledge of what could have been. what should have been.
but their life together pulls her too strongly.
i can't compete. i have nothing with which to lure her.
each day brings me closer to that day when she tells me she's decided.
does she not know the torture of not having her? of not having the love and the life that's so desperately wanted? if it was right for her like it is for me, she'd know it. she'd feel the unbearable wrongness of separation. and she'd fix it.
but she doesn't feel it or know it.
i wonder if she's doing what she said she was going to do - honestly evaluate her life to see if it's what she wants. i fear not. it's too easy to get lulled into complacency, to become used to the day to day routine. add to that that with her less distracted their relationship has to be getting better, going more smoothly. lending more weight to her feeling that what she has is in fact pretty good and therefore she should stay.
she feels no pressure as the days, weeks, months even years pass by while i feel the crushing weight of each passing day as being one more brick sealing her into her life with bf, one more empty day in what will become the rest of my life, empty without her. she has youth, she has money, she has him. i don't have youth, don't have money. don't have her.
i have the loss of her. i have the knowledge of what could have been. what should have been.
but their life together pulls her too strongly.
i can't compete. i have nothing with which to lure her.
each day brings me closer to that day when she tells me she's decided.
Monday, January 30, 2006
coming back
spent a(nother) weekend without her. like every weekend.
when i come back, i'm always sure, for some stupid reason, that she's both waiting for me, eager for me, ready to see me and just as positive that she's decided that he's it, that she's staying with him forever.
neither is true.
the longing i feel when i come back, when she's back in my world, is so... intense. so full, so all consuming. the slightest bit of welcome from her and i fall back into full on "want her, she wants me". and then there's always the shock, the hurt, the slap back to what the reality of the world really is.
she told me that she was free saturday morning. my immediate thought was "could we have talked? would you have wanted to?" but i know the answer. she wouldn't think of it, wouldn't do it.
g-d i long to hold her close. even just to know that she wants me to hold her close.
told her of a song i thought of "you're a hard habit to break". she mentioned someone she knew who "... listened to all that crap...".
so there. so much for romance.
i gotta get a hold of my self, my feelings, my trying-to-hold-on, otherwise it's gonna tear us completely apart. and kill me.
when i come back, i'm always sure, for some stupid reason, that she's both waiting for me, eager for me, ready to see me and just as positive that she's decided that he's it, that she's staying with him forever.
neither is true.
the longing i feel when i come back, when she's back in my world, is so... intense. so full, so all consuming. the slightest bit of welcome from her and i fall back into full on "want her, she wants me". and then there's always the shock, the hurt, the slap back to what the reality of the world really is.
she told me that she was free saturday morning. my immediate thought was "could we have talked? would you have wanted to?" but i know the answer. she wouldn't think of it, wouldn't do it.
g-d i long to hold her close. even just to know that she wants me to hold her close.
told her of a song i thought of "you're a hard habit to break". she mentioned someone she knew who "... listened to all that crap...".
so there. so much for romance.
i gotta get a hold of my self, my feelings, my trying-to-hold-on, otherwise it's gonna tear us completely apart. and kill me.
Friday, January 27, 2006
:-)
it's been a great week, the last couple of days.
when we're -on-.... we're ON. we're so good together.
how much better could we be if we were really together?
i like her. i love her. i want her.
when we're -on-.... we're ON. we're so good together.
how much better could we be if we were really together?
i like her. i love her. i want her.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
the outline of a plan
i've heard people say before that "getting laid off was the best thing that ever happened to me". i'm not gonna go that far, but it seems as though there's several things kinda converging on/around me now.
getting laid off - well that's always an experience, i'm sure. then, a former coworker (W) calls and offers me side work. a small chunk initially, but with the potential for ongoing work. that's cool. then by just-laid-off-from employer wants to bring me back as a contractor. limited duration engagement, but good bucks. that's cool.
because of some property sales last year and living pretty frugally (well, except for booze and hobby stuff ;-) ), i'm doing okay financially (not enough to keep her in the manner in which she become accustomed, but that's not an issue now anyway). okay enough that i don't have to panic - i can take some time to find work. of course, if this side work pans out, that plus an occasional contract gig might be plenty.
B's been talking to me for some time about getting back into dating and i'd been kinda warming to the idea. figured it'd be a distraction. something to do, but absolutely non-seriously, until B made her decision. but now, with the feelings i'm getting that she's decided, even if she doesn't know it yet... i don't think i can do it. i'm not going to do it. her loss is something i'm just gonna have to deal with, process slowly, however much i can handle at a time.
i haven't been really motivated professionally for several years. i'm not excited now either, but i'm a little interested in getting some self-employment work going. maybe it'll hold me till i get over B ("get over B" - that sounds so absurd. like getting over dying) and till my child support ends. at that time (assuming i'm still around) i can drop my required income by a third. less pressure. less failure.
so i have my near future mapped out. side work from W. day work at my previous employer. i can put a few hours in for each in the evenings and the weekends. on nice days i'll get away for a couple hours and engage in my hobby when the weather's nice. occasional sex. no social life - i can't do it now, can't even imagine trying to be charming or witty or act interested in another woman when i feel so desolate inside. any woman i'd talk to would just remind me that i wasn't enough for B. i'm the loser and now i have to look for someone who -will- take me. someone who's standards aren't as high.
everytime i see a woman approximating B on the street or see a couple together, i ache. there's no way i can even think about trying to date now. in the meantime, it'll be a good opportunity for me to get my professional skills back up to snuff, get interested in working again.
maybe next year.
getting laid off - well that's always an experience, i'm sure. then, a former coworker (W) calls and offers me side work. a small chunk initially, but with the potential for ongoing work. that's cool. then by just-laid-off-from employer wants to bring me back as a contractor. limited duration engagement, but good bucks. that's cool.
because of some property sales last year and living pretty frugally (well, except for booze and hobby stuff ;-) ), i'm doing okay financially (not enough to keep her in the manner in which she become accustomed, but that's not an issue now anyway). okay enough that i don't have to panic - i can take some time to find work. of course, if this side work pans out, that plus an occasional contract gig might be plenty.
B's been talking to me for some time about getting back into dating and i'd been kinda warming to the idea. figured it'd be a distraction. something to do, but absolutely non-seriously, until B made her decision. but now, with the feelings i'm getting that she's decided, even if she doesn't know it yet... i don't think i can do it. i'm not going to do it. her loss is something i'm just gonna have to deal with, process slowly, however much i can handle at a time.
i haven't been really motivated professionally for several years. i'm not excited now either, but i'm a little interested in getting some self-employment work going. maybe it'll hold me till i get over B ("get over B" - that sounds so absurd. like getting over dying) and till my child support ends. at that time (assuming i'm still around) i can drop my required income by a third. less pressure. less failure.
so i have my near future mapped out. side work from W. day work at my previous employer. i can put a few hours in for each in the evenings and the weekends. on nice days i'll get away for a couple hours and engage in my hobby when the weather's nice. occasional sex. no social life - i can't do it now, can't even imagine trying to be charming or witty or act interested in another woman when i feel so desolate inside. any woman i'd talk to would just remind me that i wasn't enough for B. i'm the loser and now i have to look for someone who -will- take me. someone who's standards aren't as high.
everytime i see a woman approximating B on the street or see a couple together, i ache. there's no way i can even think about trying to date now. in the meantime, it'll be a good opportunity for me to get my professional skills back up to snuff, get interested in working again.
maybe next year.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
home field advantage
it was never a fair game, never a level playing field. he had the home field advantage the whole time.
of course anyone who knows me knows how strange it is for me to use sports metaphors; after all, i'm such a big sports guy. another checkmark on the "against" side of my scorecard.
not only was it not a fair game, but she actively gave him the advantage at every turn. he got extra points, many many many extra points, because he was there first. because they wore the same jersey.
i never had a chance.
it sucks so much. because we really would be good together. she just won't see it. or won't give it any value, no value over what she has with him now. hey, it's already in place, why risk changing it when there's no guarantee it'll be any better? even though -this- sucks and -that- would almost definitely be better, why risk it?
what about love? desire? want? two hearts who could, and should be together?
does that count for nothing?
fucker. he won and he never even knew he was competing. i knew i was. i just didn't know the rules. didn't know the game was skewed. didn't know the prize didn't want to be won.
look at the silly old man. isn't he cute? he thought he could win with love.
of course anyone who knows me knows how strange it is for me to use sports metaphors; after all, i'm such a big sports guy. another checkmark on the "against" side of my scorecard.
not only was it not a fair game, but she actively gave him the advantage at every turn. he got extra points, many many many extra points, because he was there first. because they wore the same jersey.
i never had a chance.
it sucks so much. because we really would be good together. she just won't see it. or won't give it any value, no value over what she has with him now. hey, it's already in place, why risk changing it when there's no guarantee it'll be any better? even though -this- sucks and -that- would almost definitely be better, why risk it?
what about love? desire? want? two hearts who could, and should be together?
does that count for nothing?
fucker. he won and he never even knew he was competing. i knew i was. i just didn't know the rules. didn't know the game was skewed. didn't know the prize didn't want to be won.
look at the silly old man. isn't he cute? he thought he could win with love.
a revision
yet another thing i was wrong on... but at least this one brings my B some joy.
her puppy has overcome his illness!! WooHoo! as a dog lover and owner myself, i know how this makes her feel.
so to celebrate that, and to better reflect reality, a revision to an older post...
two become a couple. to celebrate their new life together, they acquire a puppy. the dog grows strong, healthy. it is a fun and vibrant life.
but inside this life something is wrong. a cancer grows. unseen at first. undetected. yet still it grows. there are small signs; a bump, a nodule, a growth. they have a "feeling", hard to discern, that something is amiss. unable to give its own words, the dog feels the growths, but has no words. the couple notices symptoms, pains, discomforts but, confident all is well, is unable or unwilling to accept the possibility that something is not right.
there are episodes where the pains are treated, the discomforts examined, poked, prodded, the symptoms eased for a while with treatment. superficial, topical treatment - new toys, new activities, changes in routine. for a while the pain subsides yet the cancer continues to grow.
finally the symptoms become unmistakeably obvious. unable to ignore the odd pains and lumps and bumps anymore, serious diagnosis is sought. the patient is ill, seriously ill. treatment is commenced. it's rocky at first, but the patient hangs on.
finally, there is balance again. the crises is over. strength returns. there is joy again in the household. the ugly stranger who tried to disrupt things has been sent away. things are not completely healed, the danger not gone, but with a watchful eye and early treatment, everything will continue as it is.
over time the crises is forgotten. life grows and spreads and continues.
her puppy has overcome his illness!! WooHoo! as a dog lover and owner myself, i know how this makes her feel.
so to celebrate that, and to better reflect reality, a revision to an older post...
two become a couple. to celebrate their new life together, they acquire a puppy. the dog grows strong, healthy. it is a fun and vibrant life.
but inside this life something is wrong. a cancer grows. unseen at first. undetected. yet still it grows. there are small signs; a bump, a nodule, a growth. they have a "feeling", hard to discern, that something is amiss. unable to give its own words, the dog feels the growths, but has no words. the couple notices symptoms, pains, discomforts but, confident all is well, is unable or unwilling to accept the possibility that something is not right.
there are episodes where the pains are treated, the discomforts examined, poked, prodded, the symptoms eased for a while with treatment. superficial, topical treatment - new toys, new activities, changes in routine. for a while the pain subsides yet the cancer continues to grow.
finally the symptoms become unmistakeably obvious. unable to ignore the odd pains and lumps and bumps anymore, serious diagnosis is sought. the patient is ill, seriously ill. treatment is commenced. it's rocky at first, but the patient hangs on.
finally, there is balance again. the crises is over. strength returns. there is joy again in the household. the ugly stranger who tried to disrupt things has been sent away. things are not completely healed, the danger not gone, but with a watchful eye and early treatment, everything will continue as it is.
over time the crises is forgotten. life grows and spreads and continues.
silence
silence. the unbearable cacophony of silence.
she always tells me that if she doesn't get on or call right away that it's because she's swamped or got ambushed when she walked in the door. it's about an hour past when she'd normally check in.
after yesterday, assuming she still had any interest in talking, wouldn't checking in be important? something to get to asap? it would for me, but then i see these things a little differently than she does.
so what do i do? just wait? hope? truthfully, i have no option. i can't call her desk, her cell is off, she's not on IM. i can email but that's no indication of whether she's there or not.
so i wait.
she always tells me that if she doesn't get on or call right away that it's because she's swamped or got ambushed when she walked in the door. it's about an hour past when she'd normally check in.
after yesterday, assuming she still had any interest in talking, wouldn't checking in be important? something to get to asap? it would for me, but then i see these things a little differently than she does.
so what do i do? just wait? hope? truthfully, i have no option. i can't call her desk, her cell is off, she's not on IM. i can email but that's no indication of whether she's there or not.
so i wait.
Monday, January 23, 2006
so much to say. but nothing to say
i'm bursting with things, thoughts i have to get out.
but i have no words. nothing comes. nothing coherent. it's all bits, fragments, partial thoughts.
images of her.
soundbites of her voice, her laugh. even her cries.
my heart is so full of love and desire for her. and at the same time, i'm empty. so empty. she's been my everything for so long. and i can't have her. she won't let it happen. he continues to have her, but he only knows 5% of the whole of her. he has no idea how much more of her there is. he has no idea how much she suffers in silence. he has no idea how loyal she is to him and their life together.
it's like a greek tragedy or something. i want her. she wants me. but she won't leave him.
he wins - and will never know it.
she loses - because she'll settle for the life he'll give her rather than seeking her own.
i lose - because she'll always have my heart.
but i have no words. nothing comes. nothing coherent. it's all bits, fragments, partial thoughts.
images of her.
soundbites of her voice, her laugh. even her cries.
my heart is so full of love and desire for her. and at the same time, i'm empty. so empty. she's been my everything for so long. and i can't have her. she won't let it happen. he continues to have her, but he only knows 5% of the whole of her. he has no idea how much more of her there is. he has no idea how much she suffers in silence. he has no idea how loyal she is to him and their life together.
it's like a greek tragedy or something. i want her. she wants me. but she won't leave him.
he wins - and will never know it.
she loses - because she'll settle for the life he'll give her rather than seeking her own.
i lose - because she'll always have my heart.
if only
it's one of those stories...
like those stories of daring business men who risked it all on a gamble. they either win everything or wind up looking like fools.
and so it is.
had it worked out, we'd be looking back, telling the story to friends and family... "i just knew it, from the first time i talked to her, that i loved her. it was just a feeling, but it was so strong, i knew it was the right thing". and she'd add her part to the story.
but it didn't work out. i was wrong. so instead of winning her heart and her love and her hand and enjoying the rest of our lives together, i go off on a different future. alone. without her. and she has the love and the live and the lover that she's had all along. and her and him weave their future together.
i lost.
but she was worth the gamble. i'd do it again.
like those stories of daring business men who risked it all on a gamble. they either win everything or wind up looking like fools.
and so it is.
had it worked out, we'd be looking back, telling the story to friends and family... "i just knew it, from the first time i talked to her, that i loved her. it was just a feeling, but it was so strong, i knew it was the right thing". and she'd add her part to the story.
but it didn't work out. i was wrong. so instead of winning her heart and her love and her hand and enjoying the rest of our lives together, i go off on a different future. alone. without her. and she has the love and the live and the lover that she's had all along. and her and him weave their future together.
i lost.
but she was worth the gamble. i'd do it again.
it seems...
she hasn't said, not in words. not sure she even knows yet, but it feels certain to me.
i wonder how this will go?
she'll let the pobox expire and not renew it. i won't figure it out until a piece of mail comes back.
she'll tell me that it's too risky to have the phone, that she can't risk him finding it, finding out that she's talking to me or anyone again. in other words, the risk outweighs the reward. the possibility of losing him isn't worth whatever she gets from having the phone.
and then? on time departures from the office every night? no lunch talks? shorter and shorter IM's?
i can't take it. i can't stand watching my love just slip away.
we would have been so good together....
so good.
i wonder how this will go?
she'll let the pobox expire and not renew it. i won't figure it out until a piece of mail comes back.
she'll tell me that it's too risky to have the phone, that she can't risk him finding it, finding out that she's talking to me or anyone again. in other words, the risk outweighs the reward. the possibility of losing him isn't worth whatever she gets from having the phone.
and then? on time departures from the office every night? no lunch talks? shorter and shorter IM's?
i can't take it. i can't stand watching my love just slip away.
we would have been so good together....
so good.
quite the blow
i thought i was doing okay; actually later she even said so.
but like normal, i'm a day late and a dollar short.
something obviously happened over the weekend. she hasn't mentioned it and won't, and i know i shouldn't ask, especially since i sorta did and she avoided it all together. i could be wrong (there's a first) but i dunno... somethings changed.
so whatever's changed has her even more pulled back. she's trying to tell me how she's now completely given up on sex, with anyone, and that i should find other people. i took it as though she'd moved closer to her decision (to stay where she's at, with bf) and that she's preparing me for the inevitable. trying to ease me into the worst heartache of my life.
it frustrates me so much that she thinks "sex" is the main reason i want her. why can't she understand that "love != sex"? if i wanted her for sex i'd have given up a long time ago. i want -her-. her mind, her heart, her love, her attention, her affection. i want her hand. i want to see her see me and see her eyes light up because she's happy i'm there. i want to hear her voice smile when she hears me call just to say hi.
but instead, she has to watch what she tells me lest she give me a clue as to who she is. she has to be aware when i'm in the state and keep an eye out for me. she has to continue to use calling cards so i don't get her phone number.
she won't give me her name or phone number and i think that somehow she'll want to give me her heart?
why does finding someone to love, someone you want to give your heart to completely, have to hurt so much? why couldn't she want me the same as i want her?
what is the hold he has on her?
i would give anything to be the object of her desire. to be the one she loves.
but like normal, i'm a day late and a dollar short.
something obviously happened over the weekend. she hasn't mentioned it and won't, and i know i shouldn't ask, especially since i sorta did and she avoided it all together. i could be wrong (there's a first) but i dunno... somethings changed.
so whatever's changed has her even more pulled back. she's trying to tell me how she's now completely given up on sex, with anyone, and that i should find other people. i took it as though she'd moved closer to her decision (to stay where she's at, with bf) and that she's preparing me for the inevitable. trying to ease me into the worst heartache of my life.
it frustrates me so much that she thinks "sex" is the main reason i want her. why can't she understand that "love != sex"? if i wanted her for sex i'd have given up a long time ago. i want -her-. her mind, her heart, her love, her attention, her affection. i want her hand. i want to see her see me and see her eyes light up because she's happy i'm there. i want to hear her voice smile when she hears me call just to say hi.
but instead, she has to watch what she tells me lest she give me a clue as to who she is. she has to be aware when i'm in the state and keep an eye out for me. she has to continue to use calling cards so i don't get her phone number.
she won't give me her name or phone number and i think that somehow she'll want to give me her heart?
why does finding someone to love, someone you want to give your heart to completely, have to hurt so much? why couldn't she want me the same as i want her?
what is the hold he has on her?
i would give anything to be the object of her desire. to be the one she loves.
it's a start!
i did okay!
actually welcomed her back without overpowering her or making her feel bad/crazy/attacked/crowded.
she was, -we- were playful and joking. a little guarded perhaps but now maybe i see that's just the way she is after being apart. i wonder if she's that way with bf? but i don't think they've been apart for a single night since i've known her. no, not true. she once went away for family issues and he didn't join her for a few days. i wonder if she was guarded with him when they were together again?
anyway.
for once i feel like i didn't make her sorry she contacted me on a monday.
maybe this is a new start, a good sign.
that's got to be good for her, no? for our friendship?
so why do i feel like i'm losing her?
and now?
and now? what will this week bring?
did she have a good weekend? were they 'on'? together?
will i be "good" or will my neediness, my desire to be close to her spoil it?
just a couple more hours and we'll know.
i can't wait for her to come back.
did she have a good weekend? were they 'on'? together?
will i be "good" or will my neediness, my desire to be close to her spoil it?
just a couple more hours and we'll know.
i can't wait for her to come back.
Friday, January 20, 2006
and then?
we didn't talk much yesterday (thanks to me). she called me for a few seconds last night to tell me it wasn't anything i'd done. (it's -always- something i've done). today she's in the office for over 2 hours so far. we've talked for 41 seconds. no IM. no email. no sip. cell off
she's busy, i know that. she gets distracted, i know that too.
you can know something and not understand it. i can't imagine not thinking about her for two hours. it simply doesn't happened. hasn't happened in over two years.
i should be glad, happy for her, because it means she's better able to concentrate and therefore to get things done. therefore reducing her stress level. which'll reduce the stress between them. which'll reduce his stress, which'll..... well, i know where that ends. her in a life with the lover she's built that life with.
and me, elsewhere. a memory. trying to figure out what to do now, without her.
she's busy, i know that. she gets distracted, i know that too.
you can know something and not understand it. i can't imagine not thinking about her for two hours. it simply doesn't happened. hasn't happened in over two years.
i should be glad, happy for her, because it means she's better able to concentrate and therefore to get things done. therefore reducing her stress level. which'll reduce the stress between them. which'll reduce his stress, which'll..... well, i know where that ends. her in a life with the lover she's built that life with.
and me, elsewhere. a memory. trying to figure out what to do now, without her.
every weekend a three day weekend
ever since we lost the phones, i've hated weekends. it used to be that she had a couple of hours for us to spend together on fridays after the office closed. then saturday mornings we'd have hours to talk. and she'd call whenever else she could - sometimes not at all, sometimes 3 or 4 times, just for a quick hi.
that's all gone. has been for over a year. and ever since we've been slowly losing time. she doesn't usually take lunch on fridays because the office closes early. she's always stressed because of the shortened day she won't get as much done. and he expects her to leave as soon as the office closes. and she knows it kills me that we have no time.
less time than "normal" on fridays. no saturdays. no sundays. no quick hi's. and 67 hours until she's back on monday.
two and a half days +. two and a half days waiting for her to come back, hoping for the joy of talking to her during the week.
she hates when i do this. sometimes i do too, but then i'm the guy (with that certain mental illness) that does shit like count ceiling tiles and sidewalk sections.
168 hours in a week
25% of her time spent in the office
63% of her life spent physically with bf
0% of her time spent physically with me
6% of her time talking or IMing with me
meaningless statistics, of course. and it really means nothing that he gets her physically next to him 10.5 times as much as i even get her attention.
in marketing, they say "mindshare" is what counts. i can't even begin to guesstimate how much she thinks about me. it's probably shocking how much i think of her. during a normal work day, that it, during the normal 10 hours i'd spend in the office, i'd bet the longest period of time that would pass without thinking of her might be 20 minutes. the shortest -amount- of time i might think of her would be perhaps 5 seconds. the longest period of time i might think of her? 30 minutes, before realizing i better start doing something else. on average, i'd say my "dream of B" breaks were about 4-5 minutes. at home it'd be completely different. she's with me constantly. there might be 10 minutes where i don't think of her. and i wouldn't have a 30 minute B-break - rather, it's more like she's completely a part of my thoughts, almost right there with me, 90% of the time, and if i get distracted for a while, perhaps her visage recedes from my sight for a few minutes.
it's scary, almost. but i welcome having her with me. at least, for as long as she'll let me. if it were up to me, that'd be the rest of my life. but for now i can only hope for a day or a week at a time.
i've told her but i know she thinks i exaggerate - when i wake up during the night, i look at the clock and my first thought is usually "i wonder if she's sleeping and if she's not, what's she thinking of?"
that's all gone. has been for over a year. and ever since we've been slowly losing time. she doesn't usually take lunch on fridays because the office closes early. she's always stressed because of the shortened day she won't get as much done. and he expects her to leave as soon as the office closes. and she knows it kills me that we have no time.
less time than "normal" on fridays. no saturdays. no sundays. no quick hi's. and 67 hours until she's back on monday.
two and a half days +. two and a half days waiting for her to come back, hoping for the joy of talking to her during the week.
she hates when i do this. sometimes i do too, but then i'm the guy (with that certain mental illness) that does shit like count ceiling tiles and sidewalk sections.
168 hours in a week
25% of her time spent in the office
63% of her life spent physically with bf
0% of her time spent physically with me
6% of her time talking or IMing with me
meaningless statistics, of course. and it really means nothing that he gets her physically next to him 10.5 times as much as i even get her attention.
in marketing, they say "mindshare" is what counts. i can't even begin to guesstimate how much she thinks about me. it's probably shocking how much i think of her. during a normal work day, that it, during the normal 10 hours i'd spend in the office, i'd bet the longest period of time that would pass without thinking of her might be 20 minutes. the shortest -amount- of time i might think of her would be perhaps 5 seconds. the longest period of time i might think of her? 30 minutes, before realizing i better start doing something else. on average, i'd say my "dream of B" breaks were about 4-5 minutes. at home it'd be completely different. she's with me constantly. there might be 10 minutes where i don't think of her. and i wouldn't have a 30 minute B-break - rather, it's more like she's completely a part of my thoughts, almost right there with me, 90% of the time, and if i get distracted for a while, perhaps her visage recedes from my sight for a few minutes.
it's scary, almost. but i welcome having her with me. at least, for as long as she'll let me. if it were up to me, that'd be the rest of my life. but for now i can only hope for a day or a week at a time.
i've told her but i know she thinks i exaggerate - when i wake up during the night, i look at the clock and my first thought is usually "i wonder if she's sleeping and if she's not, what's she thinking of?"
Thursday, January 19, 2006
so soon
i didn't think it'd happen so soon, this soon, this suddenly.
today, out of the office at closing. no time. not 15 minutes, not 5. none.
tomorrow, early close day, same thing. no time.
just... gone.
it's happening so soon, so fast.
i'm not ready.
today, out of the office at closing. no time. not 15 minutes, not 5. none.
tomorrow, early close day, same thing. no time.
just... gone.
it's happening so soon, so fast.
i'm not ready.
i don't know what to do
i'm lost.
almost hopeless. almost because there is still a slight chance. she hasn't said "no" yet, hasn't yet told me that she's staying where she is, hasn't yet said "go away, i'm happy here". so i have to believe that it's still a possibility, still something she might want.
and yet, "if you love something, set it free" is so hard. i have to demand (not that i -demand- now) less of her time, take less of her time, give up even more of what there's already so precious little of. and i have to be happy about it. so she can be less stressed. and less guilty.
and go home to him with an easier mind. so their life together is easier. so she'll see that it's not so bad. and he'll calm down and get back to himself. and she will too. and they'll be better together. and then she'll be happier again.
and the chance will get smaller. asymptotically smaller. and i'll keep holding on, hoping, until finally she tells me.
but right now, there's still a chance.
and right now, she's so unhappy, so stressed.
i don't know what to do. i don' t know how to let her, or the hope of her go, let her have her own life - without me. i don't know how to have a life without her in it.
i don't want to have a life without her in it.
almost hopeless. almost because there is still a slight chance. she hasn't said "no" yet, hasn't yet told me that she's staying where she is, hasn't yet said "go away, i'm happy here". so i have to believe that it's still a possibility, still something she might want.
and yet, "if you love something, set it free" is so hard. i have to demand (not that i -demand- now) less of her time, take less of her time, give up even more of what there's already so precious little of. and i have to be happy about it. so she can be less stressed. and less guilty.
and go home to him with an easier mind. so their life together is easier. so she'll see that it's not so bad. and he'll calm down and get back to himself. and she will too. and they'll be better together. and then she'll be happier again.
and the chance will get smaller. asymptotically smaller. and i'll keep holding on, hoping, until finally she tells me.
but right now, there's still a chance.
and right now, she's so unhappy, so stressed.
i don't know what to do. i don' t know how to let her, or the hope of her go, let her have her own life - without me. i don't know how to have a life without her in it.
i don't want to have a life without her in it.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
blooms
little by little ....
these little blooms of realization, of reluctant acceptance settle into my heart. i hate it. i don't want to accept that this is it, that there's no -her- in my future.
after i was separated for about 18 months the ex and i were talking and i said "it's been 18 months and i haven't felt a compelling need to be back... what does that tell me?". for B and i it's been two and a half years. if she hasn't felt a compelling need to be with me by now, what does that tell me?
i feel like she's looking at me with sad eyes, sorry to see this happen... even reaching her hand out to me as the crack in the world between us grows. but it doesn't have to be this way. all she has to do is take a few steps and everything would change.
everything.
but she's frozen, stuck where she is. whether by love or loyalty or golden handcuffs or fear, she's stuck, unable or unwilling to move.
i'm going to miss her so much. her laugh, her friendship, her desire - everything that is her. i'm not sure you ever recover from a loss like that.
wouldn't everything after her, after losing a love like that, wouldn't everything else be... muted? second rate? runner up?
these little blooms of realization, of reluctant acceptance settle into my heart. i hate it. i don't want to accept that this is it, that there's no -her- in my future.
after i was separated for about 18 months the ex and i were talking and i said "it's been 18 months and i haven't felt a compelling need to be back... what does that tell me?". for B and i it's been two and a half years. if she hasn't felt a compelling need to be with me by now, what does that tell me?
i feel like she's looking at me with sad eyes, sorry to see this happen... even reaching her hand out to me as the crack in the world between us grows. but it doesn't have to be this way. all she has to do is take a few steps and everything would change.
everything.
but she's frozen, stuck where she is. whether by love or loyalty or golden handcuffs or fear, she's stuck, unable or unwilling to move.
i'm going to miss her so much. her laugh, her friendship, her desire - everything that is her. i'm not sure you ever recover from a loss like that.
wouldn't everything after her, after losing a love like that, wouldn't everything else be... muted? second rate? runner up?
is it all over but the shouting?
it feels .... bad.
she's tired. stressed. overwhelmed.
i don't fulfill her needs anymore. she said "i'm soooo stressed and feel sooooo overwhelmed and unheard and unlistened to and un understood".
for a long time i was the one who listened to her, heard all the things she wanted to say. i was the one who understood her as no one else ever has. i could still be those to her, if only we had time.
but we don't have time. she has a business to run. a home. a life with a lover and a partner. any two of those would be more than enough to fill all of one's time. all three together make a very busy schedule. then add in a distraction like me, especially bad because she can only give me time during her work day - the period when it causes her the most stress.
i'm soooo ... un understood. i would, i could, i want to. but she's so stressed, with so little time in general, much less time to devote to me. she holds things in, often doesn't tell me what's going on.
more than ever, i think my time in her life is limited. she can't keep this up. she's struggling to keep her head above water and i'm so much deadweight sitting on her shoulders.
it's so profoundly sad. we both want this relationship and the one we haven't been able to have. i don't have a voice in the decision. and she's loyal to him and their life and their history together.
so we both lose. at least, we both lose out on what could have been. she wins because she gets to make the decision, she can have what she wants - what she has.
i wonder if she remembers what we were like, what we could be like? will she miss it? or is it already a distant memory?
she's tired. stressed. overwhelmed.
i don't fulfill her needs anymore. she said "i'm soooo stressed and feel sooooo overwhelmed and unheard and unlistened to and un understood".
for a long time i was the one who listened to her, heard all the things she wanted to say. i was the one who understood her as no one else ever has. i could still be those to her, if only we had time.
but we don't have time. she has a business to run. a home. a life with a lover and a partner. any two of those would be more than enough to fill all of one's time. all three together make a very busy schedule. then add in a distraction like me, especially bad because she can only give me time during her work day - the period when it causes her the most stress.
i'm soooo ... un understood. i would, i could, i want to. but she's so stressed, with so little time in general, much less time to devote to me. she holds things in, often doesn't tell me what's going on.
more than ever, i think my time in her life is limited. she can't keep this up. she's struggling to keep her head above water and i'm so much deadweight sitting on her shoulders.
it's so profoundly sad. we both want this relationship and the one we haven't been able to have. i don't have a voice in the decision. and she's loyal to him and their life and their history together.
so we both lose. at least, we both lose out on what could have been. she wins because she gets to make the decision, she can have what she wants - what she has.
i wonder if she remembers what we were like, what we could be like? will she miss it? or is it already a distant memory?
a moveie quote
saw a movie last weekend with my daughter, "Rumor Has It". cute movie. kinda funny cuz it was a movie about a movie.
anyway, there'was a line in it that rang very true with me. i think i've enve said itto her before but i don't kno w that she's heard me before..
"i -can- live the rest of my life withoutt you. i justdont' want to"
i can live without her. but frankly after finding her, who would woant to live without hher? and why?what would be the point?
after finding that whic is perfect, why would you wan to settle for less?
how couold you and why would you?
i cant'.
and iwont.
doesnt' there has to be some way for meto win her heart? i mean realy - ifit's true and meands half as much to her as she does to me, then shoundlnt there be -soem- way?
becausse if theres' not,then somethings wreally really wrong with this world
anyway, there'was a line in it that rang very true with me. i think i've enve said itto her before but i don't kno w that she's heard me before..
"i -can- live the rest of my life withoutt you. i justdont' want to"
i can live without her. but frankly after finding her, who would woant to live without hher? and why?what would be the point?
after finding that whic is perfect, why would you wan to settle for less?
how couold you and why would you?
i cant'.
and iwont.
doesnt' there has to be some way for meto win her heart? i mean realy - ifit's true and meands half as much to her as she does to me, then shoundlnt there be -soem- way?
becausse if theres' not,then somethings wreally really wrong with this world
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
#11
conversational rule #11: she doesn't want to hear your self-pitying, woe is me bullshit. it's not her fault. deal with it.
impossible
it's so hard to let her go. however you want to think about it. letting her go from a chat, from a phone call.
from my future.
how do you do that and be happy about it?
from my future.
how do you do that and be happy about it?
Monday, January 16, 2006
8 rules for dating my daughter
there is (or was) a show called "8 rules for dating my daughter". never saw it but i like the concept. i remember hearing a very simple rule on what to do when my daughter started dating.
"kill the first one. word will get around." seems like a simple enough concept.
anyway, a long time ago, after he first got into her email, i had flashcards i would keep with me to sort of keep me on the right track. or maybe more accurately, to help keep me from straying into bad territory. think i'm gonna do that again.
"9 rules for talking to the love you can't have"
1 - she's not mine. wasn't, isn't, won't be. Deal with it.
2 - she has a life that doesn't include me. MOST of her life doesn't include me. Deal with it.
3 - she's not leaving, not meeting, not giving up her name. Deal with it.
4 - do nothing to make her feel bad because she has a life, a love and a partner.
5 - break rule #4 and you're a dick.
6 - if i make her feel uncomfortable about talking about her life, she'll stop talking. unless i want that, be okay with talking about her life. it's HER LIFE. Deal with it.
7 - enjoy her friendship. i'm lucky to have it. be happy with what i do have with her.
8 - DO NOT mention my own feelings or hurt or desires re: losing or not having her. not her problem.
9 - accept the way things are or she'll leave me completely. deal with it.
not as good as the original set (i wish i could find those).. but they'll do for now. i'll have to revise them as it makes sense...
"kill the first one. word will get around." seems like a simple enough concept.
anyway, a long time ago, after he first got into her email, i had flashcards i would keep with me to sort of keep me on the right track. or maybe more accurately, to help keep me from straying into bad territory. think i'm gonna do that again.
"9 rules for talking to the love you can't have"
1 - she's not mine. wasn't, isn't, won't be. Deal with it.
2 - she has a life that doesn't include me. MOST of her life doesn't include me. Deal with it.
3 - she's not leaving, not meeting, not giving up her name. Deal with it.
4 - do nothing to make her feel bad because she has a life, a love and a partner.
5 - break rule #4 and you're a dick.
6 - if i make her feel uncomfortable about talking about her life, she'll stop talking. unless i want that, be okay with talking about her life. it's HER LIFE. Deal with it.
7 - enjoy her friendship. i'm lucky to have it. be happy with what i do have with her.
8 - DO NOT mention my own feelings or hurt or desires re: losing or not having her. not her problem.
9 - accept the way things are or she'll leave me completely. deal with it.
not as good as the original set (i wish i could find those).. but they'll do for now. i'll have to revise them as it makes sense...
A Tale of Two Cities, revisited
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times".
yeah, yeah, so sue me - i used the book a week or so ago..... it fits again.
"it was the best of times"
i got to see my daughter this weekend. it's been too long. i should never, never have gone this long without seeing her. i won't again. it wasn't the most ?comfortable? of visits. it took us some time to get past awkward and to some semblance of comfortable. we never got completely past awkward, but we did reach some level of comfort.
she is such a wonderful child, student, person, (almost) woman. for whatever small part i've played in helping her to grow to be such a wonderful person, at least my life hasn't been a complete waste.
"it was the worst of times"
when i got to my former home state on friday, i got a rental car and left the airport. it was a nice day... puffy clouds, blue skies, cool temp. the flight was smooth. the car rental was smooth (and a brand new car to boot!). tooling along the highway outta the airport..... then it hit me.
no one in the state wanted me there. 99.99995% of the population could care either way, but the remaining 10 people or so actively didn't want me in the state.
my daughter kinda did, kinda didn't. i know she was glad, at some level, but it causes her anxiety, disrupts her routine, and frankly, she's not ready to deal with her father and all the disruption he's caused in her life.
my ex and the family - they didn't want me there. understandably, i suppose. still, being actively disliked, actively unwanted is a tough pill to swallow.
and B. she said it doesn't bother her when i'm in the state, but i know it does. she's still afraid that i'm stalking her or something. i know she's a lot more comfortable when i'm 1200 miles away, just a disembodied voice on the phone. when i'm 200 miles away, i'm too close. too much more liklihood that i might show up in her area, be seen by bf or something, somehow intrude upon or disrupt her life with him. that's no surprise in and of itself because she still wants to hide from me, still won't open up to me, still stays hidden and anonymous. but that's different than knowing that my presence within a few hours drive causes her discomfort.
and all the days leading up to my trip, right at the edge of my thoughts, i kept thinking that i was gonna get to be close to her again (yeah, 200 miles is close) and even that proximity made me happy.... just to be that much closer to her.
it reminds me of a movie scene where the horribly disfigured man, confident that the woman he loves loves him enough to overlook his appearance, finally gets the courage to reveal his true self to her and upon seeing him she runs screaming from the room.
we had a long talk on friday that ended poorly. my fault, no surprise. i was really melting down. and that's how we left for the weekend. i wrote her a long letter. but it's just me talking, in the end she's still there, i'm still here and that's that.
she does have an effect on me though. even though my solitary times were filled with too much loss (and the accompanying self pity and woe-is-me-ness and why-why-why), i didn't drink. it was hard though, damn hard. those hours i spent alone, thinking of her and hurting for what i don't have, g-d i wanted to drown it all, make it go away, just stop thinking about what i don't have for a little while. how is it possible to want someone so much?
side note on the unfairness of the universe: how can the presence of something be and bring so much joy and enhance everything else in the world and the absense of that can make nothing else matter at all?
yeah, yeah, so sue me - i used the book a week or so ago..... it fits again.
"it was the best of times"
i got to see my daughter this weekend. it's been too long. i should never, never have gone this long without seeing her. i won't again. it wasn't the most ?comfortable? of visits. it took us some time to get past awkward and to some semblance of comfortable. we never got completely past awkward, but we did reach some level of comfort.
she is such a wonderful child, student, person, (almost) woman. for whatever small part i've played in helping her to grow to be such a wonderful person, at least my life hasn't been a complete waste.
"it was the worst of times"
when i got to my former home state on friday, i got a rental car and left the airport. it was a nice day... puffy clouds, blue skies, cool temp. the flight was smooth. the car rental was smooth (and a brand new car to boot!). tooling along the highway outta the airport..... then it hit me.
no one in the state wanted me there. 99.99995% of the population could care either way, but the remaining 10 people or so actively didn't want me in the state.
my daughter kinda did, kinda didn't. i know she was glad, at some level, but it causes her anxiety, disrupts her routine, and frankly, she's not ready to deal with her father and all the disruption he's caused in her life.
my ex and the family - they didn't want me there. understandably, i suppose. still, being actively disliked, actively unwanted is a tough pill to swallow.
and B. she said it doesn't bother her when i'm in the state, but i know it does. she's still afraid that i'm stalking her or something. i know she's a lot more comfortable when i'm 1200 miles away, just a disembodied voice on the phone. when i'm 200 miles away, i'm too close. too much more liklihood that i might show up in her area, be seen by bf or something, somehow intrude upon or disrupt her life with him. that's no surprise in and of itself because she still wants to hide from me, still won't open up to me, still stays hidden and anonymous. but that's different than knowing that my presence within a few hours drive causes her discomfort.
and all the days leading up to my trip, right at the edge of my thoughts, i kept thinking that i was gonna get to be close to her again (yeah, 200 miles is close) and even that proximity made me happy.... just to be that much closer to her.
it reminds me of a movie scene where the horribly disfigured man, confident that the woman he loves loves him enough to overlook his appearance, finally gets the courage to reveal his true self to her and upon seeing him she runs screaming from the room.
we had a long talk on friday that ended poorly. my fault, no surprise. i was really melting down. and that's how we left for the weekend. i wrote her a long letter. but it's just me talking, in the end she's still there, i'm still here and that's that.
she does have an effect on me though. even though my solitary times were filled with too much loss (and the accompanying self pity and woe-is-me-ness and why-why-why), i didn't drink. it was hard though, damn hard. those hours i spent alone, thinking of her and hurting for what i don't have, g-d i wanted to drown it all, make it go away, just stop thinking about what i don't have for a little while. how is it possible to want someone so much?
side note on the unfairness of the universe: how can the presence of something be and bring so much joy and enhance everything else in the world and the absense of that can make nothing else matter at all?
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Can't get there from here
i want her so much.
g-d. it's so unfair. all my life spent getting to -her-. only to not be able to cross the last hurdle.
like abraham (? i think ?) leading the jews for so long on their quest to the Holy Land but g-d doesn't let him enter it. he dies within sight of it but is never allowed to actually get there.
g-d. it's so unfair. all my life spent getting to -her-. only to not be able to cross the last hurdle.
like abraham (? i think ?) leading the jews for so long on their quest to the Holy Land but g-d doesn't let him enter it. he dies within sight of it but is never allowed to actually get there.
a tale of two cities
so much confusion and pain and uncertainty. gotta get it out but i don't even know what to say. i'm not even sure what it means. can't think straight about it, can't keep my thoughts straight.
i keep thinking that i'm the guy at the beginning of "A Tale of Two Cities"... what's that he says? "It's a far, far better thing i do than i have ever done. it's a far, far better place i go to than have ever been"? something like that.
seeems appropriate. he's waiting for his life to end (at the guillotine), but iirc, his captors think he's someone else and he's not saying anything. he's giving up his life to enable someone else to get away.... ok, maybe not a great analogy... but similar. i see no future for myself, but i can hopefully help someone else, someone i so dearly care about, have a future. and that's okay.
i keep thinking that i'm the guy at the beginning of "A Tale of Two Cities"... what's that he says? "It's a far, far better thing i do than i have ever done. it's a far, far better place i go to than have ever been"? something like that.
seeems appropriate. he's waiting for his life to end (at the guillotine), but iirc, his captors think he's someone else and he's not saying anything. he's giving up his life to enable someone else to get away.... ok, maybe not a great analogy... but similar. i see no future for myself, but i can hopefully help someone else, someone i so dearly care about, have a future. and that's okay.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
please tell me
can someone please tell me why it can't be?
why can't i have her? why won't she have me? why is he so much better than me? why is a life with him more desireable than a life with me? why can't we meet? why can't i see her?
why do i have to sit on the sidelines while she marries him, has babies with him, grows old with hiim?
why couldn't i have been him?
i would be good for her. for her heart, anyway. i truly believe we'd be happy. i have a lot of love to give her. i have a lot of me to give her. i want to give her everything. and i know that the more i give her, the more she lets me give her, the more i'll have to give her.
why couldn't it be me?
why can't i have her? why won't she have me? why is he so much better than me? why is a life with him more desireable than a life with me? why can't we meet? why can't i see her?
why do i have to sit on the sidelines while she marries him, has babies with him, grows old with hiim?
why couldn't i have been him?
i would be good for her. for her heart, anyway. i truly believe we'd be happy. i have a lot of love to give her. i have a lot of me to give her. i want to give her everything. and i know that the more i give her, the more she lets me give her, the more i'll have to give her.
why couldn't it be me?
Monday, January 09, 2006
illusions of the heart
it's comical really. older men who think younger womenn might be interested int hem. maybe sad is a better description.
thingis we really are friends. so why ,in the typicle guy fashion do i then assume that friendship must mean she also wants me? geeezus. its sad, ya know?
when we first talked today, g-d i'd waited for her for so long. so long. i could hear in ther voice right away that something was sdifferent. and she kept bringing up my weekned activiities. she just doesnt' get that they only exsist because she won't have me. does she really think i'd have -this- life and these things instaed of her? id give it all up in a hartbeat just to be close to her, just to have lunch with her. i'd fly tehre every weekend for just a couple horus of her time. she thinks i exagerate when i tell her these things. she has no idea. she's young and has no idea what it means to either run out of time or to finalyl find the one youv'e been searching for for so long. she has time. she has him. she has financial comfort. she has ease. she doesn't have the meloncholy that comes from seeing htat youve' spent too many years not living. too many years with your heart closed, not giving everythign that you have to the one the -one- that is wortyh of it. too many years just going on, jsut getting by, just existing day to day instea d of living. she hasnt yet woken up and looked back on the calendars wasted,t eh days months and years spent dully going form sunup to sundown knowing knowing that there must be more.
she doens't knowt hte pain and i hope she never does of waking up only to find that its too late. you can't play in the game because someonee lse was here first. seniority takes presedents over love and feelings. to late to the game too bad. she still has this notion that life and lvoe is fair and that being fair means itl'l all work out in the end. she hasn't let discovered that love isn't fair that life isn't fair that somethime you can be the rright guy and still not get the girl.
that's a hard leson to learn.
smetimes it's better that our illusinos stay instact. better to continue to think taht eveyrthing wil work out than to know that they wont.
thingis we really are friends. so why ,in the typicle guy fashion do i then assume that friendship must mean she also wants me? geeezus. its sad, ya know?
when we first talked today, g-d i'd waited for her for so long. so long. i could hear in ther voice right away that something was sdifferent. and she kept bringing up my weekned activiities. she just doesnt' get that they only exsist because she won't have me. does she really think i'd have -this- life and these things instaed of her? id give it all up in a hartbeat just to be close to her, just to have lunch with her. i'd fly tehre every weekend for just a couple horus of her time. she thinks i exagerate when i tell her these things. she has no idea. she's young and has no idea what it means to either run out of time or to finalyl find the one youv'e been searching for for so long. she has time. she has him. she has financial comfort. she has ease. she doesn't have the meloncholy that comes from seeing htat youve' spent too many years not living. too many years with your heart closed, not giving everythign that you have to the one the -one- that is wortyh of it. too many years just going on, jsut getting by, just existing day to day instea d of living. she hasnt yet woken up and looked back on the calendars wasted,t eh days months and years spent dully going form sunup to sundown knowing knowing that there must be more.
she doens't knowt hte pain and i hope she never does of waking up only to find that its too late. you can't play in the game because someonee lse was here first. seniority takes presedents over love and feelings. to late to the game too bad. she still has this notion that life and lvoe is fair and that being fair means itl'l all work out in the end. she hasn't let discovered that love isn't fair that life isn't fair that somethime you can be the rright guy and still not get the girl.
that's a hard leson to learn.
smetimes it's better that our illusinos stay instact. better to continue to think taht eveyrthing wil work out than to know that they wont.
growth and learning
i remember living in a place before. it wasn't necessarily a good place nor necessarily a bad place. at times it was fine but for the most part it was the world that i suspect most people live in most of their lives. emotions were few. there wasn't much that was really cause for celebration, but there wasn't much heartbreak or desperation either.
i see a world (or a potential world anyway) where there is light. there is -life-. i've come part way between the world of grey, part way to the world of color. along the way you start to see and experience a wider range of all that is human emotion. you begin to really feel and you begin to slowly comprehend that there is so much more, that all that you thought you ever felt before, all that you believed was the possible range of emotions that you could experience, was only a dulled down, limited portion of the true range of possibility.
and as you start to gain some understanding and some experience with more and more emotion and the understanding of what that can bring, you begin to experience more and more of it... the words aren't quite adequate, but it's like you've only ever -seen- a symphony before, maybe from a distance. and maybe you could kinda slightly feel some vibrations from it. and then you're allowed to see it from a much closer vantage point and you're simply astonished at how much richer the experience is. and you think how much you've missed out on and how much richer this new sensory experience is and -finally- you're fully human and experiencing the full range of what there is to experience.
and then a little later, somehow, you're actually allowed to hear the music, and WOW!!! again you realize how -little- you actually sensed before, how little you got of the total of what was there to experience. you thought seeing it from up close was a million times better and richer than what you originally knew. but now this, to hear it ...it's a million times better yet.
and then you start to wonder, is there more? more than once before i -thought- i was experiencing the full range of sensation, only to find that i was only getting a tiny portion of it. now i've TWICE learned that what i thought was the sum total of it before was only a tiny portion of what was possible... so now that i can -hear- the symphony, does it stand to reason that there is still yet much more to experience? what would it be like to make music together?
now make all the previous experience only seeing a single person playing an instrument. and then seeing them up close. and then hearing the music. and then imagine what it would be like to hear a symphony!
that's what it's like to find -the one-. what seemed like the whole of human experience before i see now to have been a stilted, restricted version. knowing her, feeling the things that have passed between us i am just now -hearing- the music. and i see the orchestra members and they're standing around, but they won't play music yet. they're not allowed to. but i know, i know how wonderful that music would be, if only it were free to be.
the down side to expanding your range of emotions and feelings is that you don't seem to do so ?evenly?. that is, the good and the ?bad? ends of the spectrum don't expand at the same time. i can almost see the color and the light and imagine what the sweet music would be like, but it's just out of reach. while i have been blessed to already feel more good and love and warmth and want than i thought was possible, i know that there is so much more yet to be discovered. on the other hand, i have hurt so much more than i ever thought a heart could hurt. i can see and guess and believe in the infinite amount of good feelings that can yet be found, but i don't have to guess at how much more the hurt and lonliness and longing can be than what i thought they could be. i know. i know because my heart fills with emptiness and my chest tightens painfully as it struggles to contain the void. i know the desperation and the loss that comes from not having.
it's so strange that the increased emptiness of emotions is, although negative, so rich, so powerful in the sense of loss and emptiness. i don't know how much more increase in emptiness i can take before my heart simply implodes. the ?richness? of the hurt brings with it the promise of infinitely greater reward, of immeasureable joy, of happiness, of contentment.
newtons' third law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. and then there's the nagging fear that, newton's law aside, the universe is not fair. and that bad is not necessarily offset with the corresponding good.
i see a world (or a potential world anyway) where there is light. there is -life-. i've come part way between the world of grey, part way to the world of color. along the way you start to see and experience a wider range of all that is human emotion. you begin to really feel and you begin to slowly comprehend that there is so much more, that all that you thought you ever felt before, all that you believed was the possible range of emotions that you could experience, was only a dulled down, limited portion of the true range of possibility.
and as you start to gain some understanding and some experience with more and more emotion and the understanding of what that can bring, you begin to experience more and more of it... the words aren't quite adequate, but it's like you've only ever -seen- a symphony before, maybe from a distance. and maybe you could kinda slightly feel some vibrations from it. and then you're allowed to see it from a much closer vantage point and you're simply astonished at how much richer the experience is. and you think how much you've missed out on and how much richer this new sensory experience is and -finally- you're fully human and experiencing the full range of what there is to experience.
and then a little later, somehow, you're actually allowed to hear the music, and WOW!!! again you realize how -little- you actually sensed before, how little you got of the total of what was there to experience. you thought seeing it from up close was a million times better and richer than what you originally knew. but now this, to hear it ...it's a million times better yet.
and then you start to wonder, is there more? more than once before i -thought- i was experiencing the full range of sensation, only to find that i was only getting a tiny portion of it. now i've TWICE learned that what i thought was the sum total of it before was only a tiny portion of what was possible... so now that i can -hear- the symphony, does it stand to reason that there is still yet much more to experience? what would it be like to make music together?
now make all the previous experience only seeing a single person playing an instrument. and then seeing them up close. and then hearing the music. and then imagine what it would be like to hear a symphony!
that's what it's like to find -the one-. what seemed like the whole of human experience before i see now to have been a stilted, restricted version. knowing her, feeling the things that have passed between us i am just now -hearing- the music. and i see the orchestra members and they're standing around, but they won't play music yet. they're not allowed to. but i know, i know how wonderful that music would be, if only it were free to be.
the down side to expanding your range of emotions and feelings is that you don't seem to do so ?evenly?. that is, the good and the ?bad? ends of the spectrum don't expand at the same time. i can almost see the color and the light and imagine what the sweet music would be like, but it's just out of reach. while i have been blessed to already feel more good and love and warmth and want than i thought was possible, i know that there is so much more yet to be discovered. on the other hand, i have hurt so much more than i ever thought a heart could hurt. i can see and guess and believe in the infinite amount of good feelings that can yet be found, but i don't have to guess at how much more the hurt and lonliness and longing can be than what i thought they could be. i know. i know because my heart fills with emptiness and my chest tightens painfully as it struggles to contain the void. i know the desperation and the loss that comes from not having.
it's so strange that the increased emptiness of emotions is, although negative, so rich, so powerful in the sense of loss and emptiness. i don't know how much more increase in emptiness i can take before my heart simply implodes. the ?richness? of the hurt brings with it the promise of infinitely greater reward, of immeasureable joy, of happiness, of contentment.
newtons' third law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. and then there's the nagging fear that, newton's law aside, the universe is not fair. and that bad is not necessarily offset with the corresponding good.
"oh, fuck" #49
as brittany would say "oops i've done it again".
i wait for her so. i want her so.
how is it that i so often manage to ruin/taint what should be a great thing - our reunion on monday morning?
she's all i want. i would do anything for her.
why do i so often make her pull back?
why can't i be what she wants?
i wait for her so. i want her so.
how is it that i so often manage to ruin/taint what should be a great thing - our reunion on monday morning?
she's all i want. i would do anything for her.
why do i so often make her pull back?
why can't i be what she wants?
monday #125 (+/-)
monday again. another weekend passed.
from 5-ish sunday til 9-ish monday morning is hardest for me... i'm comforted all weekend by thoughts of her, knowing that she's with me and thinking that i'm with her. sunday evenings were a time she was often able to call me and i tick the minutes away thinking "she might call", then "if she's gonna be able to call it'll have to be soon" and finally, by 8, "there's no way she'd be able to get out to call now".
and then i wonder about her weekend. did they fight? did they have a good time together? where's her head? where's her heart? where's her life?
i'm less frenzied but no less ?worried?. perhaps "more accepting" is closer. more accepting of the future i won't have. i know it's still possible; so is winning the lottery.
i wait for her. i wait for her call, her summons to meet, her invitation into her life.
from 5-ish sunday til 9-ish monday morning is hardest for me... i'm comforted all weekend by thoughts of her, knowing that she's with me and thinking that i'm with her. sunday evenings were a time she was often able to call me and i tick the minutes away thinking "she might call", then "if she's gonna be able to call it'll have to be soon" and finally, by 8, "there's no way she'd be able to get out to call now".
and then i wonder about her weekend. did they fight? did they have a good time together? where's her head? where's her heart? where's her life?
i'm less frenzied but no less ?worried?. perhaps "more accepting" is closer. more accepting of the future i won't have. i know it's still possible; so is winning the lottery.
i wait for her. i wait for her call, her summons to meet, her invitation into her life.
Friday, January 06, 2006
best laid plans
thought we'd have nearly an hour today before she left the office...
but, strangely enough, i'm okay. i feel "it" starting to build inside, but normally i'd be much more ?frenzied? by now. even though 3/4 of our time is gone, because i know she's busy and because i think i'm not pressuring her i believe she's under less stress.
and that's good. strange to say it because i think it means that with her less stressed, he'll be less stressed, they'll be less likely to fight, which means they'll have a better weekend together. the two of them. together. but as she's said many times "she's there. she's in [that] life". she should at least be enjoying it.
i really am okay with it.
mostly.
fuck. does this mean i'm maturing?
mmmmmmmm
the sun rises again.
she warms my heart. frees my laughter. brightens my day and my life.
she is the answer to "why?" and "what is the meaning of life?". with B close to me, reaching out to me, our legs touching as we sit on the couch, even smiling at me from across the room with that special smile and the glimmer in her eyes that says "i like you, i love you, i'm glad you're in my life", the answer is obvious.
the answer is her. this. this feeling, this connection, this closeness, this caring.
without her, i feel as though i am nothing.
with her, anything is possible.
she warms my heart. frees my laughter. brightens my day and my life.
she is the answer to "why?" and "what is the meaning of life?". with B close to me, reaching out to me, our legs touching as we sit on the couch, even smiling at me from across the room with that special smile and the glimmer in her eyes that says "i like you, i love you, i'm glad you're in my life", the answer is obvious.
the answer is her. this. this feeling, this connection, this closeness, this caring.
without her, i feel as though i am nothing.
with her, anything is possible.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
what to do?
my baby's hurting and i don't know what to do.
i guess i kinda do know, generally, what to do. only thing is, it's the hardest thing (for me) i could possibly think of doing. yet it's probably what's best for her.
these next few months are going to be difficult. for both of us.
but i know the truth of it. in order for her to have the support she needs from me, the space she needs to get herself back, i need to put my desire for her and for a future with her completely aside. if i don't, the effect on her and her life will be terrible. if i don't, i won't have her anyway. if i do put my wants aside, give her support when she needs it, give her space and understanding (which means giving up even more of our already limited time), she'll have a better chance of finding herself, figuring out what she wants to do with her life, and getting back to being herself. and when that happens, there's a chance she'll include me in her life.
i'm scared that she'll see me as withdrawing from her, of caring less, wanting her less, loving her less. nothing could be further from the truth.
i guess i kinda do know, generally, what to do. only thing is, it's the hardest thing (for me) i could possibly think of doing. yet it's probably what's best for her.
these next few months are going to be difficult. for both of us.
but i know the truth of it. in order for her to have the support she needs from me, the space she needs to get herself back, i need to put my desire for her and for a future with her completely aside. if i don't, the effect on her and her life will be terrible. if i don't, i won't have her anyway. if i do put my wants aside, give her support when she needs it, give her space and understanding (which means giving up even more of our already limited time), she'll have a better chance of finding herself, figuring out what she wants to do with her life, and getting back to being herself. and when that happens, there's a chance she'll include me in her life.
i'm scared that she'll see me as withdrawing from her, of caring less, wanting her less, loving her less. nothing could be further from the truth.
stuck
i get stuck sometimes. sometimes physically stuck, sometimes emotionally, sometimes mentally.
right now i'm stuck mentally. i can't work. i try, but no thoughts come. it's all her. her and him and the situation and knowing she's there, still there and likely to stay there. it's knowing i can't have her. knowing we need more time and knowing that there is no more time to have. knowing (i think) that she wants me but not enough to change her life. knowing that i'm alone, that i can't see myself with someone else nor can i see myself without her. my thoughts go round and round, her, me, him, why can't we, why won't she open up to me, why why why whynot whynot whynot.
i would be good for her, i think. certainly i'd be good to her. but then, so is he, so there's no advantage for her there. i would not be good for her financial life, for her economic comfort. my other obligations are too high. besides which my earnings and earning power have basically peaked. he's already far ahead of me as far as what he can provide her with and he's got a fifteen to twenty year advantage on me.
socially i wouldn't be good for her either. her network of friends and family are largely -their- friends and -his- family. all that would go away were i to be her SO. and it'd be harder for her/us to make new friends because her peers would be ?hesitant? to embrace me (so much older) and my peers (which i know none in her area) would be hesitant to embrace her (though not so much because she's so vivacious and alive).
i would bring her passion and lust. but at what cost? at the cost of friends and family, financial security and perhaps the highest cost - effort. she's said that the effort of being, having and maintaining a close, intimate and passionate relationship might not be worth it. it's so much easier to have a shallow one.
why do i want "us" so much? is it because it'd be good for both of us? or because it'd be good for me? and would it even be good for her? there's a good chance it wouldn't be. in which case she should stay in her life. supposedly love conquers all. but would it be worth it, for her?
right now i'm stuck mentally. i can't work. i try, but no thoughts come. it's all her. her and him and the situation and knowing she's there, still there and likely to stay there. it's knowing i can't have her. knowing we need more time and knowing that there is no more time to have. knowing (i think) that she wants me but not enough to change her life. knowing that i'm alone, that i can't see myself with someone else nor can i see myself without her. my thoughts go round and round, her, me, him, why can't we, why won't she open up to me, why why why whynot whynot whynot.
i would be good for her, i think. certainly i'd be good to her. but then, so is he, so there's no advantage for her there. i would not be good for her financial life, for her economic comfort. my other obligations are too high. besides which my earnings and earning power have basically peaked. he's already far ahead of me as far as what he can provide her with and he's got a fifteen to twenty year advantage on me.
socially i wouldn't be good for her either. her network of friends and family are largely -their- friends and -his- family. all that would go away were i to be her SO. and it'd be harder for her/us to make new friends because her peers would be ?hesitant? to embrace me (so much older) and my peers (which i know none in her area) would be hesitant to embrace her (though not so much because she's so vivacious and alive).
i would bring her passion and lust. but at what cost? at the cost of friends and family, financial security and perhaps the highest cost - effort. she's said that the effort of being, having and maintaining a close, intimate and passionate relationship might not be worth it. it's so much easier to have a shallow one.
why do i want "us" so much? is it because it'd be good for both of us? or because it'd be good for me? and would it even be good for her? there's a good chance it wouldn't be. in which case she should stay in her life. supposedly love conquers all. but would it be worth it, for her?
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year
Happy New Year my love!
Thinking of you, sending you my best wishes for this coming year and every year.
I wish for you happiness, contentment, success, fortune and love.
Know that I am with you. Know that no matter what happens I love you and I care about you.
me
Thinking of you, sending you my best wishes for this coming year and every year.
I wish for you happiness, contentment, success, fortune and love.
Know that I am with you. Know that no matter what happens I love you and I care about you.
me
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
