it was a very long weekend.
i knew she'd get through it well; there's never a doubt about that.
surprisingly, i got through it okay too. i was not happy at any time or for even a little bit that she was gone to me, living her life with him and managing to do just fine without me. but just the fact that she doesn't have a problem with it all is good. the last thing i want or need to do is to put more difficulty into her life, especially into her alone time.
it was a long weekend. and while i won't say i was "happy" during it, i was, well, okay. "accepting" comes to mind. accepting of the way my life is and what it will likely be. accepting of where she is; and where she's not.
and even with accepting the hole in my life where she would be (if i were who she wanted), i was okay. i don't know that i like that though, being okay with -not- having her.
actually, i'm sure i'm not okay with it.
but i don't really have a choice, do i?
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
sometimes
she scares me sometimes.
she's so determined and so strong that when she pulls back, all i can feel is the strength of her conviction. usually she comes back mostly, but it's still nerve wracking to experience when she turns on her (verbal) heels and walks away.
i've spent a lot of time thinking about where we are now, wondering what i should do or be doing. do i work on ?getting her back? (not as a lover; i know that's gone), or do i just be myself and hope that the me that i am -now- is as likeable to her as the me that she met and learned to like before?
and to top it all off, in 5 short hours she'll be gone for almost 5 full days.
she's so determined and so strong that when she pulls back, all i can feel is the strength of her conviction. usually she comes back mostly, but it's still nerve wracking to experience when she turns on her (verbal) heels and walks away.
i've spent a lot of time thinking about where we are now, wondering what i should do or be doing. do i work on ?getting her back? (not as a lover; i know that's gone), or do i just be myself and hope that the me that i am -now- is as likeable to her as the me that she met and learned to like before?
and to top it all off, in 5 short hours she'll be gone for almost 5 full days.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
at a loss
i'm at a loss. she's so angry at me and i don't know what to do.
she wants to communicate openly and freely again, as do i. yet when i do she's angry at me. i feel like i've finally reached a state of acceptance that she's never gonna meet me or change her mind about meeting or even tell me her name. i've finally gotten to the point where i can live with that (not as though i have a choice) and even want to start living my life again, getting out, doing things, thinking about what my future will bring. all things that i want to talk to her about, get her advice, her input, since she's the one whose opinion i value the most.
and now we're talking less than ever. we're talking frequently, but, it seems, communicating less and getting further and further apart. it's as though we're standing here trying to talk and this wall is mysteriously building itself between us.
i don't know what to do.
why am i going to lose my best friend? i don't understand.
she wants to communicate openly and freely again, as do i. yet when i do she's angry at me. i feel like i've finally reached a state of acceptance that she's never gonna meet me or change her mind about meeting or even tell me her name. i've finally gotten to the point where i can live with that (not as though i have a choice) and even want to start living my life again, getting out, doing things, thinking about what my future will bring. all things that i want to talk to her about, get her advice, her input, since she's the one whose opinion i value the most.
and now we're talking less than ever. we're talking frequently, but, it seems, communicating less and getting further and further apart. it's as though we're standing here trying to talk and this wall is mysteriously building itself between us.
i don't know what to do.
why am i going to lose my best friend? i don't understand.
Monday, May 22, 2006
and now?
i can't read her today, but i get the general idea.
i get the impression she's trying to figure out where i fit in her life and how much of herself she wants to share with me, as a friend. the unstated underlying fact is that anything beyond friends is not a possibility, ever. she might change that later, if it suits her, but she needs me to know that the future that i've wanted for so long is dead. not gonna happen.
she got in very late this morning, she sez because she couldn't get moving to get to work. don't know how accurate that is, but unless she spent the morning otherwise engaged with bf, i suspect that her dread of -me- played a role in her not being able to get moving. cordial conversation. no lunch call.
i asked her again if she needed/wanted time away from me/us. "yes and no" was her answer. which means, to me, a lot more "yes" than "no", she just doesn't want to say so. i told her that she's got to stop doing or not doing things based on how she thinks i'll react or if she thinks it'll hurt me. she has to do what's right for her.
i should do what's right for her too. i don't know exactly what that means, on a day to day basis, but i suspect it'll become clearer over the next few days/weeks. i wonder if the right thing for her is for me to leave her alone, vanish from her life?
that'd probably be the hardest thing i've ever had to do. but i would, if i knew it'd help ease her mind and make her life easier.
i get the impression she's trying to figure out where i fit in her life and how much of herself she wants to share with me, as a friend. the unstated underlying fact is that anything beyond friends is not a possibility, ever. she might change that later, if it suits her, but she needs me to know that the future that i've wanted for so long is dead. not gonna happen.
she got in very late this morning, she sez because she couldn't get moving to get to work. don't know how accurate that is, but unless she spent the morning otherwise engaged with bf, i suspect that her dread of -me- played a role in her not being able to get moving. cordial conversation. no lunch call.
i asked her again if she needed/wanted time away from me/us. "yes and no" was her answer. which means, to me, a lot more "yes" than "no", she just doesn't want to say so. i told her that she's got to stop doing or not doing things based on how she thinks i'll react or if she thinks it'll hurt me. she has to do what's right for her.
i should do what's right for her too. i don't know exactly what that means, on a day to day basis, but i suspect it'll become clearer over the next few days/weeks. i wonder if the right thing for her is for me to leave her alone, vanish from her life?
that'd probably be the hardest thing i've ever had to do. but i would, if i knew it'd help ease her mind and make her life easier.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
and so it starts
it's like water rising around me, slowly creeping higher and higher until i can't breathe anymore.
it's the realization that i'm going to be fairly close to her again. close enough for lunch, hell, close enough to just say hi for 15 minutes.
she won't. she can't. doesn't want to. refuses.
still the walls stay as high and as thick as ever.
when am i gonna figure it out? when will i finally accept that it's not gonna happen. ever.
this trip i didn't get to this point until just a few hours before departure. maybe that means i am slowly coming to accept it.
i'm positive it'd be better for her if i was gone. why does she keep me around? is she afraid of hurting me that much? afraid i'll do something drastic like kill myself?
it's for the better, i'm sure. better for her anyway. i don't have anything to offer her that she can't get where she is. in fact, she'd lose a lot. he's better for her.
my time has passed.
if i had any decency i'd bow out of her life, stop hurting her, stop hurting him.
instead i keep on, hoping for that lottery win. if only i had a ticket.
it's the realization that i'm going to be fairly close to her again. close enough for lunch, hell, close enough to just say hi for 15 minutes.
she won't. she can't. doesn't want to. refuses.
still the walls stay as high and as thick as ever.
when am i gonna figure it out? when will i finally accept that it's not gonna happen. ever.
this trip i didn't get to this point until just a few hours before departure. maybe that means i am slowly coming to accept it.
i'm positive it'd be better for her if i was gone. why does she keep me around? is she afraid of hurting me that much? afraid i'll do something drastic like kill myself?
it's for the better, i'm sure. better for her anyway. i don't have anything to offer her that she can't get where she is. in fact, she'd lose a lot. he's better for her.
my time has passed.
if i had any decency i'd bow out of her life, stop hurting her, stop hurting him.
instead i keep on, hoping for that lottery win. if only i had a ticket.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
just the tip of the iceberg
if i don't change, and thereby change -us-, then she will. and not the kind of change that i want.
but how?
i know how, i just don't see having the strength to do it.
that side has to be buried, killed, banished, never to return. she doesn't want what it implies and as long as it's visible or keeps popping out, she'll keep backing away.
whatever she may have felt once, it's obvious she's been very successful in putting it down. and as time passes, i can tell that she can recall it (-wants- to recall it) less and less.
life lesson learned: never risk your heart until you -know- she feels it too. wait for her. to take the lead is to risk it all, to expose your heart. to lay your soul bare and to freely give all that you have to give before knowing if she's even interested is something i don't think i can do again. then again, there'll never be another like her so it may be a moot point anyway.
i read in some quiz today a question: Do you believe that love can conquer all? i used to. i guess that deep down, i still do, but with a caveat: it has to be reciprocal. you can't make someone love you. can't reason, convince, argue, cajole or persuade them to love you. they either do or they don't. if they do, then yes, love can conquer any and all obstacles. if they don't, then you don't stand a chance.
these words keep coming to me, from an earlier post..
and these, perhaps more true to me than any others:
but how?
i know how, i just don't see having the strength to do it.
that side has to be buried, killed, banished, never to return. she doesn't want what it implies and as long as it's visible or keeps popping out, she'll keep backing away.
whatever she may have felt once, it's obvious she's been very successful in putting it down. and as time passes, i can tell that she can recall it (-wants- to recall it) less and less.
life lesson learned: never risk your heart until you -know- she feels it too. wait for her. to take the lead is to risk it all, to expose your heart. to lay your soul bare and to freely give all that you have to give before knowing if she's even interested is something i don't think i can do again. then again, there'll never be another like her so it may be a moot point anyway.
i read in some quiz today a question: Do you believe that love can conquer all? i used to. i guess that deep down, i still do, but with a caveat: it has to be reciprocal. you can't make someone love you. can't reason, convince, argue, cajole or persuade them to love you. they either do or they don't. if they do, then yes, love can conquer any and all obstacles. if they don't, then you don't stand a chance.
these words keep coming to me, from an earlier post..
[Love] desires, of it's own accord, to be expressed in some form. ... Love moves all on its own. It requires no encouragement and no motivation.
and these, perhaps more true to me than any others:
Unrequited love is the understanding that you need someone almost as badly as life itself, and even when they say 'no', you still need them just as much.
unrequited love
Love that cannot be complete because the object that is loved cannot/will not return it. A sad state, indeed.
----------
The hardest things about unrequited love are not that I can't hold you in my arms, that I will never know the taste of your lips, that I can't make love to you. Those things can be difficult, but they aren't the hardest things. It's being unable to send you the love letters, being unable to brush that lock of hair back from your face, and to smile at your beauty as I do it. It is being unable to do all of the infinitesimal things that love requests me to do that really drives me mad. Love is like that. It desires, of it's own accord, to be expressed in some form. It is a constant force, driving my actions, telling me to reach out and just touch you, only for an instant, just the slightest brush of my fingertips against your face. Sometimes I think the endless bliss of such a thing would be enough to stop my heart. And what a sublime way it would be to go. Love moves all on its own. It requires no encouragement and no motivation. It is as if some sort of intricate and beautifully delicate perpetual motion machine has been set loose inside of me. Only you could do this. I cannot stop it and I cannot let it run free. It runs and runs, and I wonder what it would sound like if it were a real motor turning within me. An exquisite sweet hum, and perhaps a sound like wind chimes on a summer afternoon. Still, the actions which it desires must be held in check. To use a silly metaphor that only a girl as wonderful as you would appreciate, I have to hold my foot on the clutch all day long.
It's all worth it though. I still get to write the love letters, even if I can't send them. And I get to see that lock of hair fall down across your face, even if I can't touch it. Perhaps once in a great while you might accidentally brush against me with your hand, and even if it does not stop my heart, please do not be surprised when I stumble in mid-step because my knees have given way, and my voice falters as I try to explain the simple workings of a distributor cap. Only you could do this, and I would only ever want you to be the one who led me to such a state.
----------
The agony of it is that you didn't realise just how much you needed them until they put themselves firmly out of reach.
Unrequited love is the understanding that you need someone almost as badly as life itself, and even when they say 'no', you still need them just as much.
Unrequited love is the final knowledge that even in your emptiness you have reached for someone, and maybe, just maybe, have made their life better because of it.
----------
...I would assume that while we often determine unrequited love as love that isn't returned at all, I would define it as love that cannot or will not be returned to the degree that it is sent out...
The hardest thing about unrequited love is that you cannot remedy it. You cannot beat it into submission with logic, emotions, or the facts. Even the person you are dating and have made confessions of mutual love has the potential to not be able to return your love to the degree that you send it out, and the pain of this realization is enough to keep you up at night, staring at the ceiling, almost on the verge of tears but hot with anger and frustration. Then the little inquisitors start up:
Why can't you just love me back?
Why can't you just show it?
What are you so scared of?
Why can't you love me as much as I love you?
What is wrong with me that you can't love me back?
(all the above borrowed from here: www.everything2.com.)
----------
for me, it means not being able to share with her the things we should be sharing, not being able to see her smile, hear her laugh, hold her when she cries. it's not being able to start a conversation about something off the wall or totally silly at 3am. it means not being able to feel my arms around her as she leans against me on the chaise lounge as we watch the moon rise over the water. it means not being able to watch her sleep.
it means knowing that i'll never see her smile at me, never hear her eyes tell me "i love you".
----------
Suzanne Lenglen was the greatest female tennis star of her era. Alain Gerbault, a young, handsome tennis star, fell madly in love with her. Despite his being a major tennis star, World War I flying ace, author, playboy, and yachtsman, she rejected his love. So he quit tennis, bought a small boat and became a hermit, sailing around the world.
Years later his long-dead body was found in a hut on a small island in the South Seas. Ironically, the island he was found on was known by the natives as "The Island Of Lost Love."
The hardest things about unrequited love are not that I can't hold you in my arms, that I will never know the taste of your lips, that I can't make love to you. Those things can be difficult, but they aren't the hardest things. It's being unable to send you the love letters, being unable to brush that lock of hair back from your face, and to smile at your beauty as I do it. It is being unable to do all of the infinitesimal things that love requests me to do that really drives me mad. Love is like that. It desires, of it's own accord, to be expressed in some form. It is a constant force, driving my actions, telling me to reach out and just touch you, only for an instant, just the slightest brush of my fingertips against your face. Sometimes I think the endless bliss of such a thing would be enough to stop my heart. And what a sublime way it would be to go. Love moves all on its own. It requires no encouragement and no motivation. It is as if some sort of intricate and beautifully delicate perpetual motion machine has been set loose inside of me. Only you could do this. I cannot stop it and I cannot let it run free. It runs and runs, and I wonder what it would sound like if it were a real motor turning within me. An exquisite sweet hum, and perhaps a sound like wind chimes on a summer afternoon. Still, the actions which it desires must be held in check. To use a silly metaphor that only a girl as wonderful as you would appreciate, I have to hold my foot on the clutch all day long.
It's all worth it though. I still get to write the love letters, even if I can't send them. And I get to see that lock of hair fall down across your face, even if I can't touch it. Perhaps once in a great while you might accidentally brush against me with your hand, and even if it does not stop my heart, please do not be surprised when I stumble in mid-step because my knees have given way, and my voice falters as I try to explain the simple workings of a distributor cap. Only you could do this, and I would only ever want you to be the one who led me to such a state.
----------
The agony of it is that you didn't realise just how much you needed them until they put themselves firmly out of reach.
Unrequited love is the understanding that you need someone almost as badly as life itself, and even when they say 'no', you still need them just as much.
Unrequited love is the final knowledge that even in your emptiness you have reached for someone, and maybe, just maybe, have made their life better because of it.
----------
...I would assume that while we often determine unrequited love as love that isn't returned at all, I would define it as love that cannot or will not be returned to the degree that it is sent out...
The hardest thing about unrequited love is that you cannot remedy it. You cannot beat it into submission with logic, emotions, or the facts. Even the person you are dating and have made confessions of mutual love has the potential to not be able to return your love to the degree that you send it out, and the pain of this realization is enough to keep you up at night, staring at the ceiling, almost on the verge of tears but hot with anger and frustration. Then the little inquisitors start up:
Why can't you just love me back?
Why can't you just show it?
What are you so scared of?
Why can't you love me as much as I love you?
What is wrong with me that you can't love me back?
(all the above borrowed from here: www.everything2.com.)
----------
for me, it means not being able to share with her the things we should be sharing, not being able to see her smile, hear her laugh, hold her when she cries. it's not being able to start a conversation about something off the wall or totally silly at 3am. it means not being able to feel my arms around her as she leans against me on the chaise lounge as we watch the moon rise over the water. it means not being able to watch her sleep.
it means knowing that i'll never see her smile at me, never hear her eyes tell me "i love you".
unconfirmed reports now appear true
i've suspected it for some time now. not happy about it, but she will be, and ultimately she'll be better off for it.
my heart seems to have accepted that she doesn't want to be with me; that she won't be with me. or meet. or reveal herself.
she was a little distant all day yesterday. not distant, but ?reserved? maybe. almost like she needed to (and she may do this every week and i never noticed) test the waters to see how much unwanted emotional crap from me she's gonna have to put up with.
i felt the resignation in my heart yesterday. and all last night. i say i must be becoming more accepting of it because it didn't cripple me all day and all night, unless i really look at it, like now. but she's getting what she wants, which is her life with him back and not getting what she doesn't want, which is the whole of me.
i'll always be able to look back on our glory days and i'll know, even if she never saw it or never wanted it, i'll know what we could have been like. sometimes i wonder if it'd be better if i forgot, so as to save myself the painful memories of what could've and should've been. but who would want to forget a love like that? i don't. even though i lost, even though i never really had a chance, for me at least it was real. you don't give up a treasured memory like that. ever.
i guess the best man (for her) did win.
i always wonder, and probably always will, what does he have that i don't? what's he give her that she can't get from me? but i also believe that there's no reason or control over who we love. she just loves him. period.
not me.
my heart seems to have accepted that she doesn't want to be with me; that she won't be with me. or meet. or reveal herself.
she was a little distant all day yesterday. not distant, but ?reserved? maybe. almost like she needed to (and she may do this every week and i never noticed) test the waters to see how much unwanted emotional crap from me she's gonna have to put up with.
i felt the resignation in my heart yesterday. and all last night. i say i must be becoming more accepting of it because it didn't cripple me all day and all night, unless i really look at it, like now. but she's getting what she wants, which is her life with him back and not getting what she doesn't want, which is the whole of me.
i'll always be able to look back on our glory days and i'll know, even if she never saw it or never wanted it, i'll know what we could have been like. sometimes i wonder if it'd be better if i forgot, so as to save myself the painful memories of what could've and should've been. but who would want to forget a love like that? i don't. even though i lost, even though i never really had a chance, for me at least it was real. you don't give up a treasured memory like that. ever.
i guess the best man (for her) did win.
i always wonder, and probably always will, what does he have that i don't? what's he give her that she can't get from me? but i also believe that there's no reason or control over who we love. she just loves him. period.
not me.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Answer: the dodo. dinosaurs. grocery shopping.
Question: Things that are extinct.
In the good old days, she used to "take" me grocery shopping with her. i know it sounds stupid, but when you need as much contact with someone as you can possibly get, you're happy to take whatever you can get. and truthfully, it was fun. not that grocery shopping is fun, but just to "be with" her while she was doing something.
something else we'll never get to do again.
such a long list.
why can't i be the man she wants, instead of him?
In the good old days, she used to "take" me grocery shopping with her. i know it sounds stupid, but when you need as much contact with someone as you can possibly get, you're happy to take whatever you can get. and truthfully, it was fun. not that grocery shopping is fun, but just to "be with" her while she was doing something.
something else we'll never get to do again.
such a long list.
why can't i be the man she wants, instead of him?
Friday, May 12, 2006
i don't understand
why is it -so- hard for me? fuck. when she leaves i'm useless. i can't think. can't work. my chest is so tight. tears fill my eyes and my throat constricts, despite my efforts to control them.
i know -why- it's hard, why this happens. but -why still-??? after all this time?? it's gonna be this way the rest of my life - can i take this every friday? every holiday? every vacation she takes?
why can't i take my cue from her? she's fine with it. i don't think there's even an "it" to be fine with for her. it's friday. she leaves work and goes to her home, her man, her life. why would there be a problem?
clearly it's just me.
it's not fair.
my biggest fear since knowing her has been losing her. but i lose her every day of the week. i've lost her and the battle over a thousand times already. it's like a Twilight Zone show where i'm stuck in a time loop and i get to watch the woman i love more than any other leave me, day after day after day. for the rest of my life.
i know -why- it's hard, why this happens. but -why still-??? after all this time?? it's gonna be this way the rest of my life - can i take this every friday? every holiday? every vacation she takes?
why can't i take my cue from her? she's fine with it. i don't think there's even an "it" to be fine with for her. it's friday. she leaves work and goes to her home, her man, her life. why would there be a problem?
clearly it's just me.
it's not fair.
my biggest fear since knowing her has been losing her. but i lose her every day of the week. i've lost her and the battle over a thousand times already. it's like a Twilight Zone show where i'm stuck in a time loop and i get to watch the woman i love more than any other leave me, day after day after day. for the rest of my life.
so hard
it's so hard to watch the clock move. knowing that every minute that passes is one more minute we'll never spend together, one more minute closer to the time she goes away, one more minute closer to her going to be with her lover.
one more minute closer to another interminably long weekend without her.
within the space of five seconds, it's "have a good weekend. bye".
and she's gone. again.
it'll never be any different. and i'll never get used to it.
one more minute closer to another interminably long weekend without her.
within the space of five seconds, it's "have a good weekend. bye".
and she's gone. again.
it'll never be any different. and i'll never get used to it.
how much is enough?
she says i'm never happy, that no matter how much time she gives to "us" it's never enough.
doesn't she see that even with the time she's giving us we still have less time than we ever had before?
no baby, it's not enough.
if we were married, it wouldn't be enough. i hunger for her, long to hear her voice. i dial her phone even though i know she won't, can't answer. i call her in the evenings and on the weekends and i don't even know why. she doesn't have the phone, she can't answer it. her voice isn't even on the voicemail so i can't hear her. (although i admit i save every voice mail from her until they get deleted; and yes, i listen to them when i need to hear her voice.)
why can't i be okay with however little time we have? she is. it never bothers her that she has to leave early or that we only get half an hour before she's gone for the weekend. it doesn't upset her that weekends are forbidden for us. i guess i should take my cue from her - if it doesn't bother her, why should it bother me?
if she wanted more time, she could have it. if she wanted to meet, she could have that. if she wanted me, she could have that. it's all hers for the asking. it's not even hard - all she has to do is say "yes" and everything that is me (me, my life, my world) is hers.
hers for the asking.
but she has someone to be with in the evenings and over the weekends. someone to do things with. to talk to. to hold. to share a life with.
she's not asking.
doesn't she see that even with the time she's giving us we still have less time than we ever had before?
no baby, it's not enough.
if we were married, it wouldn't be enough. i hunger for her, long to hear her voice. i dial her phone even though i know she won't, can't answer. i call her in the evenings and on the weekends and i don't even know why. she doesn't have the phone, she can't answer it. her voice isn't even on the voicemail so i can't hear her. (although i admit i save every voice mail from her until they get deleted; and yes, i listen to them when i need to hear her voice.)
why can't i be okay with however little time we have? she is. it never bothers her that she has to leave early or that we only get half an hour before she's gone for the weekend. it doesn't upset her that weekends are forbidden for us. i guess i should take my cue from her - if it doesn't bother her, why should it bother me?
if she wanted more time, she could have it. if she wanted to meet, she could have that. if she wanted me, she could have that. it's all hers for the asking. it's not even hard - all she has to do is say "yes" and everything that is me (me, my life, my world) is hers.
hers for the asking.
but she has someone to be with in the evenings and over the weekends. someone to do things with. to talk to. to hold. to share a life with.
she's not asking.
and today?
she leaves me today.
again. as she's done every week for almost 150 weeks.
once fridays were great days. the end of the week and the start of the weekend. no more work. and then it was the day that B and i got to spend two, three even four hours together, alone. and then the next morning another few hours. and she'd call saturday afternoon or evening. and again on sunday.
now fridays are just an end. she leaves earlier. occasionally we get two hours, usually one, and a lot of times even less. plus she's tense all day friday because of the shorter work day (she didn't used to be; another sign that the time she spends with me is hurting her work). she doesn't take lunch.
we get whatever time she feels she can spare and then she's gone. click. no long leisurely friday intimacy. no saturdays ever again. the last time she called on a weekend was.. eight weeks ago? ten? she hasn't taken her phone home during the week in months. she'll never take it over the weekend again.
so what will i make of the time we do have today? will i enjoy it? contribute to us both enjoying our limited time by being upbeat and light and fun? or will my hurt continue to infiltrate our time, deadening it to the point where she doesn't want to talk and can't wait to leave, to get away from it for two and a half days?
again. as she's done every week for almost 150 weeks.
once fridays were great days. the end of the week and the start of the weekend. no more work. and then it was the day that B and i got to spend two, three even four hours together, alone. and then the next morning another few hours. and she'd call saturday afternoon or evening. and again on sunday.
now fridays are just an end. she leaves earlier. occasionally we get two hours, usually one, and a lot of times even less. plus she's tense all day friday because of the shorter work day (she didn't used to be; another sign that the time she spends with me is hurting her work). she doesn't take lunch.
we get whatever time she feels she can spare and then she's gone. click. no long leisurely friday intimacy. no saturdays ever again. the last time she called on a weekend was.. eight weeks ago? ten? she hasn't taken her phone home during the week in months. she'll never take it over the weekend again.
so what will i make of the time we do have today? will i enjoy it? contribute to us both enjoying our limited time by being upbeat and light and fun? or will my hurt continue to infiltrate our time, deadening it to the point where she doesn't want to talk and can't wait to leave, to get away from it for two and a half days?
Thursday, May 11, 2006
as usual
as usual today, i turned good conversation this morning into a thing of hurt, silence, distance.
today i told her of a long held fear of mine - that (g-d forbid) she should ever be hurt or killed in an accident, i'd never know. it would appear as though she just didn't want to talk anymore. i couldn't call anyone, couldn't check newspapers or public records, because i don't know who she is.
she had no reaction.
today i told her of a long held fear of mine - that (g-d forbid) she should ever be hurt or killed in an accident, i'd never know. it would appear as though she just didn't want to talk anymore. i couldn't call anyone, couldn't check newspapers or public records, because i don't know who she is.
she had no reaction.
Glory Days
springsteen's song Glory Days recounts the glory of their days as youths (teenagers) and how they wistfully look back and relive those great days.
i have my glory days too. probably the first year of my relationship with B. i guess up until two things happened: when he got into her email and when she realized that she was never leaving.
that year or so was probably the most -alive- year of my life, at least emotionally. i'd found -her-. she wanted me as much as i wanted her. i think it's fair to say she even loved me. i slept through the night just to get to the new day, so we could talk. it was then that everything about my day and my life began to revolve around her; when we'd talk, when we'd email or chat. our next weekday evening. the next saturday morning when we'd have seemingly unlimited time to talk. she was my world (and still is) and, i want to believe, i was hers.
then reality stepped in. he found out. and he started putting the guilt on her, as though it was her fault only that their relationship no longer worked, as if he bore no responsibility. but his actions had the desired result. he guilted her into not leaving. and guilted her into accepting whatever he chose to do, however he chose to act. and slowly, she lost her will and succumbed to his. and voluntarily made herself a prisoner of the life they had.
those were glory days. she wanted me. she loved me. she couldn't wait to connect again. and i couldn't believe that someone like her could be interested in me. i was on top of the world, unbeatable.
except i was wrong.
whether prisoner or tenant, she's there, in their life, where she wants to be.
and everytime i feel her pull further back, it hurts. and everytime i see that she's sacrificing herself and her life to try to make him feel better it hurts. and i can't help but be drawn back to the time, the wonderful and too short time where she was (almost) mine. g-d, i can still feel what it was like to be wanted by her, to be loved by her.
it was their time for many years. then it was hers and my time, for a short time. and now it's his time. he wins. i don't know that he wins her heart; i really don't believe so. but he wins her life. he doesn't even know that he's more her captor than her lover. he doesn't know that he gets to continue that life with her simply because she chooses to sacrifice herself to avoid hurting him any more.
i knew those were good times, special times. now that they're gone i can see just how valuable they really were. i'll have the memory of those times forever. in my mind, i'll always be able to
recall how it felt to be special to her, to be wanted by her so much.
who would have ever thought the the best times of my life would be given to me by a woman who doesn't want me to know her and whom i probably wouldn't even know if we passed on the street?
i have my glory days too. probably the first year of my relationship with B. i guess up until two things happened: when he got into her email and when she realized that she was never leaving.
that year or so was probably the most -alive- year of my life, at least emotionally. i'd found -her-. she wanted me as much as i wanted her. i think it's fair to say she even loved me. i slept through the night just to get to the new day, so we could talk. it was then that everything about my day and my life began to revolve around her; when we'd talk, when we'd email or chat. our next weekday evening. the next saturday morning when we'd have seemingly unlimited time to talk. she was my world (and still is) and, i want to believe, i was hers.
then reality stepped in. he found out. and he started putting the guilt on her, as though it was her fault only that their relationship no longer worked, as if he bore no responsibility. but his actions had the desired result. he guilted her into not leaving. and guilted her into accepting whatever he chose to do, however he chose to act. and slowly, she lost her will and succumbed to his. and voluntarily made herself a prisoner of the life they had.
those were glory days. she wanted me. she loved me. she couldn't wait to connect again. and i couldn't believe that someone like her could be interested in me. i was on top of the world, unbeatable.
except i was wrong.
whether prisoner or tenant, she's there, in their life, where she wants to be.
and everytime i feel her pull further back, it hurts. and everytime i see that she's sacrificing herself and her life to try to make him feel better it hurts. and i can't help but be drawn back to the time, the wonderful and too short time where she was (almost) mine. g-d, i can still feel what it was like to be wanted by her, to be loved by her.
it was their time for many years. then it was hers and my time, for a short time. and now it's his time. he wins. i don't know that he wins her heart; i really don't believe so. but he wins her life. he doesn't even know that he's more her captor than her lover. he doesn't know that he gets to continue that life with her simply because she chooses to sacrifice herself to avoid hurting him any more.
i knew those were good times, special times. now that they're gone i can see just how valuable they really were. i'll have the memory of those times forever. in my mind, i'll always be able to
recall how it felt to be special to her, to be wanted by her so much.
who would have ever thought the the best times of my life would be given to me by a woman who doesn't want me to know her and whom i probably wouldn't even know if we passed on the street?
the end of an era
my daughter, my lovely, smart, sensitive daughter finishes high school today. her last day.
how can this be? it was just weeks ago, it seems, that her mother and i took her to pre-school and walked her in. i cried that day as i left her there, just as i cry today as she walks, grown, away from me again.
i'm so proud of her. she is a beacon of likeability and intelligence and personality. people flock to her. she's a natural leader, an organizer. she's been class president, chairperson of innumerable clubs and youth organizations. she spurs others on and encourages them to be their best.
i called her mother today and thanked her for raising such a wonderful daughter. and i apologized to her for not upholding my end of the deal.
someday i hope my daughter will forgive me for not being the father i should have been when she needed me.
at least i'm consistent. i've managed to hurt every person i've ever cared about.
people have told me that part of the problem, my problem, is that i've never dealt with issues from my own childhood, from my parents' divorce. but really - do i cast some blame and therefore some responsibility on them? or do i stand up and take responsibility for my own actions?
my own failures.
how can this be? it was just weeks ago, it seems, that her mother and i took her to pre-school and walked her in. i cried that day as i left her there, just as i cry today as she walks, grown, away from me again.
i'm so proud of her. she is a beacon of likeability and intelligence and personality. people flock to her. she's a natural leader, an organizer. she's been class president, chairperson of innumerable clubs and youth organizations. she spurs others on and encourages them to be their best.
i called her mother today and thanked her for raising such a wonderful daughter. and i apologized to her for not upholding my end of the deal.
someday i hope my daughter will forgive me for not being the father i should have been when she needed me.
at least i'm consistent. i've managed to hurt every person i've ever cared about.
people have told me that part of the problem, my problem, is that i've never dealt with issues from my own childhood, from my parents' divorce. but really - do i cast some blame and therefore some responsibility on them? or do i stand up and take responsibility for my own actions?
my own failures.
a man walks a road, alone, searching. he doesn't know what for, exactly, but he'll know it when he sees it.
there are others on the road. they too seem to be searching for something. no one knows quite what is sought, but they too know that when they see it they'll recognize it. the others walk the road, not alongside the man, but on the same road. the faces of the others come and go. occasionally one's path will cross the man and they might speak, might stop and spend some time together. they may even walk alongside each other for a while, each still seeking their own something.
a new face joins the crowd. they talk. she is beautiful, inside and out. they talk for a long time. before long they find they're walking together, talking, laughing, enjoying the walk. from their conversations, it would seem they're both seeking the same thing. they walk together for awhile, happy to have found a companion on the same journey, even more pleased with how they mesh, how much they have in common, amazed at how they seem to be seeking the same thing.
after a while he turns to look at her and is shocked to find her several feet away. still walking, still headed in the same general direction, but (how?) he's disturbed to see the distance between them. even more, she's talking to someone behind her. not having a conversation, but chatting, perhaps, and turning to look over her shoulder at him more and more often. he's not alarmed really, because he sees that she's talking to someone she's known for a long time.
as they walk on he can see that she's no longer walking in the same direction. she's talking over her shoulder so much, looking back at her friend so much that she's begun veering to the side. it's nothing, the man tells himself, they're old friends, of course they have things to talk about yet. but she's still searching, still looking for what's missing, and still the description fits what he's looking for, so all is okay, right?
as he walks on, she still talks to him, they still laugh, they still enjoy their shared time on the path. he knows, as she does, that the other would be a good companion to finish the walk with. he smiles, happy, because he realizes that he has found what was missing, what he sought. and he's happy too because when he looks at her, she's smiling and he knows it's because she's found what she sought as well. and though the road continues into the distance past the point of seeing, it's okay now because he has her to walk with.
he turns to her to tell her of his thoughts. he's startled to find that she's not astride him as he thought. panicked, he looks everywhere until he finds her.
and when he does, it all changes. he knew that there would be dark nights on the road, there always are, but so soon? just moments ago the sun shone brightly on his world and now twilight falls.
for he has found her. she has stepped to the side of the road, no longer walking and stands talking to her friend, the one that was behind her. but she's no longer looking over her shoulder at him. she stands, facing him, looking instead over her shoulder at the man on the path. he's confused, upset, hurt. she is too, and sad. she looks at him, then further down the path, back at him and then at her friend.
as the man looks in her eyes and she into his, tears well and cloud his vision, and hers. the world wobbles, his knees weaken, despair fills him as he wonders how he can possibly go on, for he knew already that his search had ended and that for him and, he'd hoped for her too, the road had changed from a road of searching to a road of living. he'd -felt- it in her and was positive she had too. yet when he looks at her, she's holding the hand of her friend, standing suddenly with her friend in the same place that they'd built and shared for years.
he stands, unable to move, afraid he'll never be able to move again, sentenced through eternity to looking at her standing with her friend, in -their- place, in -their- life, where -he- is the intruder. this road is too difficult he thinks, i can't go on, not alone, not without her. but she's no longer on the path, no longer searching. in such a short time he went from wandering to finding the path to search to finding -the one- to having none. from none to one to none.
he stumbles, falls. he doesn't have the strength to go on, not yet, perhaps never. why continue traveling down this road when what he seeks is now behind him? he could walk to her, reach for her, but she's no longer on the road.
those who see him tell him the sun always rises; it's darkest just before the dawn; tomorrow's a new day. these things he knows. what they don't know is that for him, it's only one minute after sundown. the glow of the day, his days on the path walking with her, still lights the sky and glows within and around him, still warms him. the warmth of her sun will linger on his skin and in his eyes for a long time.
but as night falls, he knows: it's going to be a very long, cold night.
there are others on the road. they too seem to be searching for something. no one knows quite what is sought, but they too know that when they see it they'll recognize it. the others walk the road, not alongside the man, but on the same road. the faces of the others come and go. occasionally one's path will cross the man and they might speak, might stop and spend some time together. they may even walk alongside each other for a while, each still seeking their own something.
a new face joins the crowd. they talk. she is beautiful, inside and out. they talk for a long time. before long they find they're walking together, talking, laughing, enjoying the walk. from their conversations, it would seem they're both seeking the same thing. they walk together for awhile, happy to have found a companion on the same journey, even more pleased with how they mesh, how much they have in common, amazed at how they seem to be seeking the same thing.
after a while he turns to look at her and is shocked to find her several feet away. still walking, still headed in the same general direction, but (how?) he's disturbed to see the distance between them. even more, she's talking to someone behind her. not having a conversation, but chatting, perhaps, and turning to look over her shoulder at him more and more often. he's not alarmed really, because he sees that she's talking to someone she's known for a long time.
as they walk on he can see that she's no longer walking in the same direction. she's talking over her shoulder so much, looking back at her friend so much that she's begun veering to the side. it's nothing, the man tells himself, they're old friends, of course they have things to talk about yet. but she's still searching, still looking for what's missing, and still the description fits what he's looking for, so all is okay, right?
as he walks on, she still talks to him, they still laugh, they still enjoy their shared time on the path. he knows, as she does, that the other would be a good companion to finish the walk with. he smiles, happy, because he realizes that he has found what was missing, what he sought. and he's happy too because when he looks at her, she's smiling and he knows it's because she's found what she sought as well. and though the road continues into the distance past the point of seeing, it's okay now because he has her to walk with.
he turns to her to tell her of his thoughts. he's startled to find that she's not astride him as he thought. panicked, he looks everywhere until he finds her.
and when he does, it all changes. he knew that there would be dark nights on the road, there always are, but so soon? just moments ago the sun shone brightly on his world and now twilight falls.
for he has found her. she has stepped to the side of the road, no longer walking and stands talking to her friend, the one that was behind her. but she's no longer looking over her shoulder at him. she stands, facing him, looking instead over her shoulder at the man on the path. he's confused, upset, hurt. she is too, and sad. she looks at him, then further down the path, back at him and then at her friend.
as the man looks in her eyes and she into his, tears well and cloud his vision, and hers. the world wobbles, his knees weaken, despair fills him as he wonders how he can possibly go on, for he knew already that his search had ended and that for him and, he'd hoped for her too, the road had changed from a road of searching to a road of living. he'd -felt- it in her and was positive she had too. yet when he looks at her, she's holding the hand of her friend, standing suddenly with her friend in the same place that they'd built and shared for years.
he stands, unable to move, afraid he'll never be able to move again, sentenced through eternity to looking at her standing with her friend, in -their- place, in -their- life, where -he- is the intruder. this road is too difficult he thinks, i can't go on, not alone, not without her. but she's no longer on the path, no longer searching. in such a short time he went from wandering to finding the path to search to finding -the one- to having none. from none to one to none.
he stumbles, falls. he doesn't have the strength to go on, not yet, perhaps never. why continue traveling down this road when what he seeks is now behind him? he could walk to her, reach for her, but she's no longer on the road.
those who see him tell him the sun always rises; it's darkest just before the dawn; tomorrow's a new day. these things he knows. what they don't know is that for him, it's only one minute after sundown. the glow of the day, his days on the path walking with her, still lights the sky and glows within and around him, still warms him. the warmth of her sun will linger on his skin and in his eyes for a long time.
but as night falls, he knows: it's going to be a very long, cold night.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
who is me?
watching myself in my relationship with B, from the beginning of our relationship, but especially in the last year or so, i have to wonder: "who the fuck is this person in my head"?.
how could -anyone- have so much impact and effect on me? NO ONE ever has. what is this hold she has on me? and if anyone was gonna have so much impact on me (and on, seemingly, every aspect of who i am) why couldn't it have been someone who wanted me just as much as i wanted her?
i don't know who i am anymore, other than i'm the guy who loves B. and i'm the guy who can't have her. i'm a man she likes but not one she'll let into her life. when i look back i can see the man who used to be in this body - that was the man she grew to like, at one point to even love. where did he go? when did that guy turn into this guy?
and in the ultimate universal practical joke how, in the process of me coming to fully understand just how important she is to me and how much i love her deep in my heart, did i lose everything that she once liked? how did i change into -this- and become someone she doesn't want? it's almost as though we went in completely opposite directions. i went this way, learning her, wanting her, loving her, knowing more everyday that she is the woman i want to be with, she's the woman i want to spend my time with. at the same time, she went that way, slowly coming to realize that bf is the one she wants to be with, that while this guy is nice, he's too much work, too much effort.
i only want to be available to her whenever, wherever, however she wants me. i'll rearrange my day, my schedule, do whatever to be available should she want to talk. i'd do anything to be able to talk to her when she wants to talk. for which she loses all respect for me.
it pains me that she lives a life of "not so bad", that she tolerates the things she tolerates. i plead with her to please take her own wants and needs into consideration and please stop putting her life and herself aside for him, to please take what she wants from life. which makes her even more resolute to stay, rather than think the hard thoughts and take the hard actions.
in the meantime, what's happened to me? in trying to win her heart, how have i pushed her so far away? how has wanting her so much changed me and turned me from someone she wanted to what i am now?
at what point did i become no longer attractive to her? no longer an "option" (if she ever even thought of me that way)?
even more, when did i become so much not what she wanted that the thought of me began making her home life seem even better than ever?
all i know is that the "me" that she used to like seems to be gone. and she's not especially liking the replacement model.
and now what? am i stuck with this "me" forever now? i have to admit that (in contrast to my usual low self-esteem) i had begun liking who i was (before i started changing) when i was with her. the woman that i like, respect and love more than any other doesn't particularly care for the "me" that is now. great. so i get to spend the rest of my life with this guy, the guy that drove her away?
great.
how could -anyone- have so much impact and effect on me? NO ONE ever has. what is this hold she has on me? and if anyone was gonna have so much impact on me (and on, seemingly, every aspect of who i am) why couldn't it have been someone who wanted me just as much as i wanted her?
i don't know who i am anymore, other than i'm the guy who loves B. and i'm the guy who can't have her. i'm a man she likes but not one she'll let into her life. when i look back i can see the man who used to be in this body - that was the man she grew to like, at one point to even love. where did he go? when did that guy turn into this guy?
and in the ultimate universal practical joke how, in the process of me coming to fully understand just how important she is to me and how much i love her deep in my heart, did i lose everything that she once liked? how did i change into -this- and become someone she doesn't want? it's almost as though we went in completely opposite directions. i went this way, learning her, wanting her, loving her, knowing more everyday that she is the woman i want to be with, she's the woman i want to spend my time with. at the same time, she went that way, slowly coming to realize that bf is the one she wants to be with, that while this guy is nice, he's too much work, too much effort.
i only want to be available to her whenever, wherever, however she wants me. i'll rearrange my day, my schedule, do whatever to be available should she want to talk. i'd do anything to be able to talk to her when she wants to talk. for which she loses all respect for me.
it pains me that she lives a life of "not so bad", that she tolerates the things she tolerates. i plead with her to please take her own wants and needs into consideration and please stop putting her life and herself aside for him, to please take what she wants from life. which makes her even more resolute to stay, rather than think the hard thoughts and take the hard actions.
in the meantime, what's happened to me? in trying to win her heart, how have i pushed her so far away? how has wanting her so much changed me and turned me from someone she wanted to what i am now?
at what point did i become no longer attractive to her? no longer an "option" (if she ever even thought of me that way)?
even more, when did i become so much not what she wanted that the thought of me began making her home life seem even better than ever?
all i know is that the "me" that she used to like seems to be gone. and she's not especially liking the replacement model.
and now what? am i stuck with this "me" forever now? i have to admit that (in contrast to my usual low self-esteem) i had begun liking who i was (before i started changing) when i was with her. the woman that i like, respect and love more than any other doesn't particularly care for the "me" that is now. great. so i get to spend the rest of my life with this guy, the guy that drove her away?
great.
confidence in knowing
funny. kinda. not "ha-ha", but more like "huh. fuck me."
it's been a difficult couple of days. For me, at least. for her? i think she's just tiring of the whole thing.
i suppose there's been some mental repositioning going on, some attitude and expectation adjustment. on my side at least, because she's still where she's been for a long time: there, with him, not leaving, not looking, not deciding. just going on day to day. well, maybe there's been some movement. not -towards- me, unfortunately. my fault i'm sure; she just doesn't need the hassle of dealing with me and my mental/emotional state while she's got more than enough going on in her own full life.
my world, my future, my destiny, meanwhile, have been changing, shifting, melting away from what i'd hoped and envisioned.
if i can't change and accept the way things are, i'm going to lose her from my life.
if i haven't already.
it's been a difficult couple of days. For me, at least. for her? i think she's just tiring of the whole thing.
i suppose there's been some mental repositioning going on, some attitude and expectation adjustment. on my side at least, because she's still where she's been for a long time: there, with him, not leaving, not looking, not deciding. just going on day to day. well, maybe there's been some movement. not -towards- me, unfortunately. my fault i'm sure; she just doesn't need the hassle of dealing with me and my mental/emotional state while she's got more than enough going on in her own full life.
my world, my future, my destiny, meanwhile, have been changing, shifting, melting away from what i'd hoped and envisioned.
if i can't change and accept the way things are, i'm going to lose her from my life.
if i haven't already.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
what price?
the perception of something we see is going to be influenced by whatever our mental state or prejudices or assumptions are.
i got a glimpse of something that included a name. if accurate, it would seem to confirm my theory from long ago about identity and who the players are. if not, then it seems like a pretty amazing stretch of coincidences among many other coincidences.
i guess the more important question is: should i care?
she doesn't want me to know who she is. she doesn't want me to know where she works or the company name or number or any of that. even if i were to correctly surmise the information, what do i do with it? it won't make her want me. won't make her want to be with me. won't make her decide to drop the veil of secrecy. even if i was right, i couldn't call her because a) if i did manage to get her on the phone, she'd deny it was her (which i'm about 99% sure she's done before and then, just for a second, i thought she was gonna give in and talk to me), b) she'd be mad that i made the assumption and then tried to follow up, and c) she'd freak and turn away and never talk to me again.
that's a pretty high price to pay for being right. one that i'm not willing to pay.
but why is it still such a big deal? why couldn't we laugh about it and then be okay with it? why is it such a big deal for me to know who she is?
why is she so scared of me??
i got a glimpse of something that included a name. if accurate, it would seem to confirm my theory from long ago about identity and who the players are. if not, then it seems like a pretty amazing stretch of coincidences among many other coincidences.
i guess the more important question is: should i care?
she doesn't want me to know who she is. she doesn't want me to know where she works or the company name or number or any of that. even if i were to correctly surmise the information, what do i do with it? it won't make her want me. won't make her want to be with me. won't make her decide to drop the veil of secrecy. even if i was right, i couldn't call her because a) if i did manage to get her on the phone, she'd deny it was her (which i'm about 99% sure she's done before and then, just for a second, i thought she was gonna give in and talk to me), b) she'd be mad that i made the assumption and then tried to follow up, and c) she'd freak and turn away and never talk to me again.
that's a pretty high price to pay for being right. one that i'm not willing to pay.
but why is it still such a big deal? why couldn't we laugh about it and then be okay with it? why is it such a big deal for me to know who she is?
why is she so scared of me??
loss
Relationships end all the time, don't they? Most of the time, the relationships kinda fade away; you lose touch with a friend, the social circle slowly dissipates, the movie buddies move away.
for those "couple" relationships, people often fight the ending of them, even though they know in their head that it's a bad relationship. we seem to fight the ending of something that we've worked to build/acheive, even if we know it's no good, as though to preserve something bad is better than letting it die. How many women stay in abusive relationships? how many people stay in loveless relationships, even when they know the love is gone and there's no point in continuing?
how many people find themselves fighting the end of a relationship that they know is good and should be saved, nurtured, rescued? how many people find themselves in a relationship that should be saved, but their partner doesn't see it? or is too distracted by other things to see the value, the rightness, the importance of preserving the relationship?
what do you do when the most important relationship of your life is sacrificed by one person in an attempt to preserve another that they know is not the right one for them?
and then i wonder: how many of us in this situation are deluding ourselves and telling ourselves that the other person would be better off with us, that they really want to be with us? maybe our others know what's best for them.
and it's not us.
for those "couple" relationships, people often fight the ending of them, even though they know in their head that it's a bad relationship. we seem to fight the ending of something that we've worked to build/acheive, even if we know it's no good, as though to preserve something bad is better than letting it die. How many women stay in abusive relationships? how many people stay in loveless relationships, even when they know the love is gone and there's no point in continuing?
how many people find themselves fighting the end of a relationship that they know is good and should be saved, nurtured, rescued? how many people find themselves in a relationship that should be saved, but their partner doesn't see it? or is too distracted by other things to see the value, the rightness, the importance of preserving the relationship?
what do you do when the most important relationship of your life is sacrificed by one person in an attempt to preserve another that they know is not the right one for them?
and then i wonder: how many of us in this situation are deluding ourselves and telling ourselves that the other person would be better off with us, that they really want to be with us? maybe our others know what's best for them.
and it's not us.
life as literature
Nicholas Sparks wrote "Nights in Rodanthe" (and The Notebook, The Wedding, etc). It's a book about a ?newly? divorced woman who gets away from it all for a few days after her divorce. She stays at a bed and breakfast and one night (perhaps it was a weekend?) she meets a man and falls in love. This lover has such an impact on her, so changes her perceptions about what love is, about what attachment is, that she's forever changed. She never winds up with him, alas, but she's okay with that (as best I remember).
In a movie i recently watched (Damage) Jeremy Irons has an affair with a woman (Juliette Binoche) who forever changes him. In the end, he can't have her and he winds up alone; forever touched, but alone nonetheless.
In both these (and countless others, no doubt) someone enters the central characters' life and is recognized as "the one", the one that's been missing from their life up to that point. All that was missing from their life is found. Where before was empty, now is fullness. Where relationships previously were routine and dull, they have become alive and vibrant and rewarding. The two share a brief time together before the found one departs from their life, forever, leaving our central character forever changed.
Forever changed, but alone, nonetheless.
It might make for great cinema, but when played out in real life - it sucks.
In a movie i recently watched (Damage) Jeremy Irons has an affair with a woman (Juliette Binoche) who forever changes him. In the end, he can't have her and he winds up alone; forever touched, but alone nonetheless.
In both these (and countless others, no doubt) someone enters the central characters' life and is recognized as "the one", the one that's been missing from their life up to that point. All that was missing from their life is found. Where before was empty, now is fullness. Where relationships previously were routine and dull, they have become alive and vibrant and rewarding. The two share a brief time together before the found one departs from their life, forever, leaving our central character forever changed.
Forever changed, but alone, nonetheless.
It might make for great cinema, but when played out in real life - it sucks.
Friday, May 05, 2006
the lack of time
in less than 75 minutes she's going to be gone again. lost to me for another two and a half days. in an hour she's leaving to go to her life, to take a vacation from this work world, the world that i'm a part of, leaving to immerse herself completely in her real life.
he'll see her, touch her, hold her, talk to her, be with her.
and she him. with no distractions. and for the weekend she'll allow nothing to pull her away, nothing else to compete for her attention. him, house, dog, boat, their life. comfortable. secure. controlled.
no worries about anything disrupting their life.
makes sense. there's so much less emotional burden than when dealing with me during the week.
the terrible countdown to being empty. and then the long countdown to waiting for her return on monday, to being not empty.
59 minutes.
he'll see her, touch her, hold her, talk to her, be with her.
and she him. with no distractions. and for the weekend she'll allow nothing to pull her away, nothing else to compete for her attention. him, house, dog, boat, their life. comfortable. secure. controlled.
no worries about anything disrupting their life.
makes sense. there's so much less emotional burden than when dealing with me during the week.
the terrible countdown to being empty. and then the long countdown to waiting for her return on monday, to being not empty.
59 minutes.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
why would i think that?
why would i continue to think that i could make her happy? so often (like daily or multiple times in a day) things i say just shut her down, turn her away, make her knowing me less than she'd hoped.
i'm sure it's aggravated by the situation, but who knows? maybe it's just the way i am.
i'll always wonder, had she ever chosen to meet me, if she'd have actually liked me in person.
i'm sure it's aggravated by the situation, but who knows? maybe it's just the way i am.
i'll always wonder, had she ever chosen to meet me, if she'd have actually liked me in person.
stuck on a thought
before we left yesterday she made me promise to think about our conversation and chat, both of which had been pretty in depth.
problem is, she said something that i can't quite get out of my mind. i'm not sure she realized, when she said it, what exactly she was saying. it may have even been an off-hand remark, but i don't think she realizes the ?finality? of what she said. i do. and it's been stuck in my head since.
we'd been talking about the mid-life seeking, and finding, of the life, the love, the partner that we've been seeking all our life, especially how you might go for years with a partner, only to wake up, realize "this isn't it", start looking and eventually find -the one- that you've been missing/seeking. and how sometimes you might find that person. and how sometimes you come to find out that it's not a reciprocal want/desire/need, or even a reciprocal match. just because that person is right for you doesn't mean that you're right for them. so even though you may have found them, you can't have them, because you're not who they were looking for.
and she says: you saw something you won't have.
it's not like i hadn't already started realizing and accepting it. but it was like being punched in the stomach. i still haven't caught my breath.
problem is, she said something that i can't quite get out of my mind. i'm not sure she realized, when she said it, what exactly she was saying. it may have even been an off-hand remark, but i don't think she realizes the ?finality? of what she said. i do. and it's been stuck in my head since.
we'd been talking about the mid-life seeking, and finding, of the life, the love, the partner that we've been seeking all our life, especially how you might go for years with a partner, only to wake up, realize "this isn't it", start looking and eventually find -the one- that you've been missing/seeking. and how sometimes you might find that person. and how sometimes you come to find out that it's not a reciprocal want/desire/need, or even a reciprocal match. just because that person is right for you doesn't mean that you're right for them. so even though you may have found them, you can't have them, because you're not who they were looking for.
and she says: you saw something you won't have.
it's not like i hadn't already started realizing and accepting it. but it was like being punched in the stomach. i still haven't caught my breath.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
what's happening?
it feels like there's something going on, on a galactic scale.
there's been a whole spate of things in the last week or two, continuing even today with no end in sight, that are just.. odd. wierd. almost like too many coincidental things happening at once.
i have wanted and tried to get a job/contract in B's area for two years. i've interviewed but was never right for the positions. two weeks ago, i got notice of a position. everything was good, the position was mine if i wanted it, the pay was a couple bux more than where i'm at, and most importantly, of course, it was close to B. I talked to my current client and they agreed that with the project i'm on and additional work, they'd commit to at least six more months.
i tried and tried to remain completely objective when trying to make my decision on what to do. truth of the matter is, i felt me being so close to B, right now, would be bad for us. chances are there'd never be any issue. but what if one night she saw me out somewhere and thought i was looking for her? plus, she'd never have any peace, she'd constantly be looking over her shoulder, constantly watching out her office window. she'd be up and wondering everytime a car drove down her street in the middle of the night. on the other hand, i'm positive that had i gone there, there would have come a time, some day, where on a spur of the moment she would have just wanted to see me, would have called me to meet her, and twenty minutes later we'd have met and been having lunch or drinks together. and now, when that day comes, the moment will pass because i'll be a thousand miles away. so just as surely as my being there would have ultimately ruined us, so too my not being there will have caused us to miss out on meeting.
then, another contract position came to me. and another. all in the same area. none as desireable so they weren't even real options, but still.
the ease of our separation seems to be getting easier. and i don't like it. i don't like being "okay" with not having her, with the knowledge that the way things are is the way things are always gonna be. i see where not being a whimpering mass of jelly is good, but i'm really not happy being "okay" with this destiny. being okay with it means that this life and this future-without-her is okay with me and it's not. it's wrong. at least, it's wrong to me. obviously she sees her future differently and it doesn't include me, at least not in a physical sense. maybe that's what bothers me - that she can be okay with it. maybe it's time to just accept -that-. if she wanted me in her physical world, she could've had it so at any time. but she hasn't. and isn't.
my daughter won't talk to me. by "talk" i mean the less-than-2-minute conversations we usually have every two or three days.
my stomach is killing me. i've had killer heartburn for the last couple of days. painful to the point of waking me up sunday and monday nights, with the occasional double over in pain during the day just for good measure.
my shoulders are bad and possibly getting worse. i'm positive it's rotator cup cuff problems, both arms, probably brought on and aggravated by years of sleeping on my sides. oh, and coz i'm such a physical and muscular guy.
mom had a pretty serious health issue, thankfully short lived and essentially over.
B's dog is back into his health problems. the prognosis is not good - a few months perhaps. which makes me think about my dogs (with my ex) and makes me sad. my boys are old already, gonna be 13 and 11 this year, and they don't have many years left. it's bad enough i don't get to see them often (i miss them!) but i won't get to be there when their time comes. that makes me very sad.
i don't want to be without B, but she doesn't want to be with me. i can't stay here in this life but i have nowhere to go either. can't go back to my previous life and i don't see a future for me - of any sort. can't put down any kind of roots because i have to go wherever there's work, and besides, can't think of anywhere i want to live. can't be without her and can't be with her. don't want to be in pain because she doesn't want me, but don't want to be "okay" with her not wanting me either.
maybe realizing you're unhappy, finding an alternate life and potential future and setting out to find and have that other life is a bad thing - if it turns out that the life you want is one that you can't have. B and i have joked many times about the country hick sitting on the porch "fat, dumb and happy". you can't unlearn knowledge. and maybe knowledge of what you truly want but can't have isn't such good knowledge. there's a line from a bob seger song: ".. wish i didn't know now what i didn't know then...".
bottom line is, i love B but can't have her. B doesn't love bf but can't leave him. i'm with her in my head but alone in reality. she's with him, but alone in reality. my daughter doesn't want anything to do with me. my skills and marketability are slowly declining. my financial obligations feel crushing. suddenly i've got these health issues starting that are probably just harbingers of more infirmaties to come.
it's a wonderful life.
there's been a whole spate of things in the last week or two, continuing even today with no end in sight, that are just.. odd. wierd. almost like too many coincidental things happening at once.
i have wanted and tried to get a job/contract in B's area for two years. i've interviewed but was never right for the positions. two weeks ago, i got notice of a position. everything was good, the position was mine if i wanted it, the pay was a couple bux more than where i'm at, and most importantly, of course, it was close to B. I talked to my current client and they agreed that with the project i'm on and additional work, they'd commit to at least six more months.
i tried and tried to remain completely objective when trying to make my decision on what to do. truth of the matter is, i felt me being so close to B, right now, would be bad for us. chances are there'd never be any issue. but what if one night she saw me out somewhere and thought i was looking for her? plus, she'd never have any peace, she'd constantly be looking over her shoulder, constantly watching out her office window. she'd be up and wondering everytime a car drove down her street in the middle of the night. on the other hand, i'm positive that had i gone there, there would have come a time, some day, where on a spur of the moment she would have just wanted to see me, would have called me to meet her, and twenty minutes later we'd have met and been having lunch or drinks together. and now, when that day comes, the moment will pass because i'll be a thousand miles away. so just as surely as my being there would have ultimately ruined us, so too my not being there will have caused us to miss out on meeting.
then, another contract position came to me. and another. all in the same area. none as desireable so they weren't even real options, but still.
the ease of our separation seems to be getting easier. and i don't like it. i don't like being "okay" with not having her, with the knowledge that the way things are is the way things are always gonna be. i see where not being a whimpering mass of jelly is good, but i'm really not happy being "okay" with this destiny. being okay with it means that this life and this future-without-her is okay with me and it's not. it's wrong. at least, it's wrong to me. obviously she sees her future differently and it doesn't include me, at least not in a physical sense. maybe that's what bothers me - that she can be okay with it. maybe it's time to just accept -that-. if she wanted me in her physical world, she could've had it so at any time. but she hasn't. and isn't.
my daughter won't talk to me. by "talk" i mean the less-than-2-minute conversations we usually have every two or three days.
my stomach is killing me. i've had killer heartburn for the last couple of days. painful to the point of waking me up sunday and monday nights, with the occasional double over in pain during the day just for good measure.
my shoulders are bad and possibly getting worse. i'm positive it's rotator cup cuff problems, both arms, probably brought on and aggravated by years of sleeping on my sides. oh, and coz i'm such a physical and muscular guy.
mom had a pretty serious health issue, thankfully short lived and essentially over.
B's dog is back into his health problems. the prognosis is not good - a few months perhaps. which makes me think about my dogs (with my ex) and makes me sad. my boys are old already, gonna be 13 and 11 this year, and they don't have many years left. it's bad enough i don't get to see them often (i miss them!) but i won't get to be there when their time comes. that makes me very sad.
i don't want to be without B, but she doesn't want to be with me. i can't stay here in this life but i have nowhere to go either. can't go back to my previous life and i don't see a future for me - of any sort. can't put down any kind of roots because i have to go wherever there's work, and besides, can't think of anywhere i want to live. can't be without her and can't be with her. don't want to be in pain because she doesn't want me, but don't want to be "okay" with her not wanting me either.
maybe realizing you're unhappy, finding an alternate life and potential future and setting out to find and have that other life is a bad thing - if it turns out that the life you want is one that you can't have. B and i have joked many times about the country hick sitting on the porch "fat, dumb and happy". you can't unlearn knowledge. and maybe knowledge of what you truly want but can't have isn't such good knowledge. there's a line from a bob seger song: ".. wish i didn't know now what i didn't know then...".
bottom line is, i love B but can't have her. B doesn't love bf but can't leave him. i'm with her in my head but alone in reality. she's with him, but alone in reality. my daughter doesn't want anything to do with me. my skills and marketability are slowly declining. my financial obligations feel crushing. suddenly i've got these health issues starting that are probably just harbingers of more infirmaties to come.
it's a wonderful life.
Monday, May 01, 2006
doing nothing is even harder
what a long, long weekend.
it always feels long enough when i can't talk to her. and i can't talk to her on the weekends.
then today, not good news with her man's-best-friend (and womans' ;-) ).
we'd hoped he was past it all, that he'd won the battle. but now it doesn't appear so.
she's in pain, even though she doesn't show it.
my best friend needs my support. i'm here to give it. what i want to do is hug her and tell her it'll be okay.
what she wants is to be left alone.
that should be the easiest thing to do. but for me it's the hardest.
g-d help me, because i need it. i'm such a self-centered schmuck. i thought i was being ?un-selfish? ?selfless? - i wrote her and told her that bf was hurting too and that she should turn to him for comfort at home and on the weekends, whenever, because he's with her much more than she has time at work where she might talk to me. it's an experience they share, for a part of their life that they chose together, loved together, still love together. it makes sense to me because he'll be there when she needs support, not me. i would if i could, of course, but i can't. so this would be good for both of them, not only helping each other get through it, but another shared experience, albeit not one they'd choose, but a time during which they might find each other again.
meanwhile, i'm upset/hurt/confused because she doesn't want to talk. i completely get it, intellectually, but why am i such an emotional retard? i can know that this is about her and it's something she has to go through. and that her involving or not involving me in this life experience of hers has nothing to do with me. i have no reason to expect to be included, why should i? and it's childish as all hell to feel, in any way, that this has anything to do with me or that, somehow, i -should- be included. and it's exceedingly childish of me to feel excluded.
it involves her pet, it's from her life that she shares with him. i don't even belong in the discussion. she should be sharing it with him, not me.
geez, wtf is wrong with me?
it always feels long enough when i can't talk to her. and i can't talk to her on the weekends.
then today, not good news with her man's-best-friend (and womans' ;-) ).
we'd hoped he was past it all, that he'd won the battle. but now it doesn't appear so.
she's in pain, even though she doesn't show it.
my best friend needs my support. i'm here to give it. what i want to do is hug her and tell her it'll be okay.
what she wants is to be left alone.
that should be the easiest thing to do. but for me it's the hardest.
g-d help me, because i need it. i'm such a self-centered schmuck. i thought i was being ?un-selfish? ?selfless? - i wrote her and told her that bf was hurting too and that she should turn to him for comfort at home and on the weekends, whenever, because he's with her much more than she has time at work where she might talk to me. it's an experience they share, for a part of their life that they chose together, loved together, still love together. it makes sense to me because he'll be there when she needs support, not me. i would if i could, of course, but i can't. so this would be good for both of them, not only helping each other get through it, but another shared experience, albeit not one they'd choose, but a time during which they might find each other again.
meanwhile, i'm upset/hurt/confused because she doesn't want to talk. i completely get it, intellectually, but why am i such an emotional retard? i can know that this is about her and it's something she has to go through. and that her involving or not involving me in this life experience of hers has nothing to do with me. i have no reason to expect to be included, why should i? and it's childish as all hell to feel, in any way, that this has anything to do with me or that, somehow, i -should- be included. and it's exceedingly childish of me to feel excluded.
it involves her pet, it's from her life that she shares with him. i don't even belong in the discussion. she should be sharing it with him, not me.
geez, wtf is wrong with me?
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