now ... what?

maybe i should just go away, disappear.

i've brought nothing but pain to the lives of everyone i've cared about. my ex, my daughter, my (ex-) family, and most of all to B. my beloved B.

when we met, she was vibrant, alive, sexual, erotic. our relationship seemed to enhance her life. it certainly enhanced mine. she seemed to have found what she was looking for. g-d knows i found what was missing in my life.

and then it turned out that her having me in her life started to drain all the life from her. bf found out. sex with him became a hated chore. she began having to live with distrust and accusations and constantly being watched. she withdrew from him, from life, from me. the more she withdrew from me the more frantic and upset i became. the more upset and frantic i became the more she withdrew.

she needs time to evaluate her life without the distraction of what -our- life might be like together. she has less time for me. she's turning back to her life with him. i'm asked to give up the hope, the possibility of everything i want - her. she may spend months or longer evaluating what she wants. in the end, she wins because she'll get exactly what she wants (which she could have now). i can either win (if she chooses to include me in her life and future) or lose (if she stays with him or leaves us both). in the meantime, i have to give her up. give up having her close now, and the hope of the future. plus remove from her sight all that i/her/we -could- be, so that in the months she spends evaluating what it is she wants, that won't even be in front of her; she may not even remember it. so how could that life, her and i, even be a choice if she doesn't remember it?

the deck is stacked against me. against the future i want. yet it has to happen that way because to continue in the way we are will cause her to lose herself, her identity. completely. then she's lost to herself, to him, to me, to the world. and that cannot happen. there are people who's lives she's yet to grace, friendships she's yet to form, people who's lives will be forever changed for the better by having known her, possibly children yet to be born to a wonderful mother. the person that is B hasn't yet made her mark on the world. her time is in the future. my mark has been made, my sorrow spread, my damage done. her ship is yet to sail; i wait for the waters to lap over the gunwales.

if i didn't have financial obligations to my ex and my daughter, i think i'd just disappear. everyone would be better off. i'd still be dead inside but at least i wouldn't be dragging anyone else down with me.

especially not my beloved B.

if i can stay strong for a few weeks it may give B the leg up she needs. she doesn't really need anything from me or anyone else but right now she's not sure she has the strength she needs. she does. but if she can pull strength and support from me (or him or work or wherever) until she feels right again, then she'll be able to finish the task ahead of her on her own. i just need to stay strong for her, for awhile. i need to keep the appearance of strength for her, even as my future and my dream dies; as everything inside dies. when she's standing strong again, when she realizes she doesn't need me anymore, then i can .. fade. and she can live her life again as the woman i met two years ago.

a letter to B

hi..

i want to tell you how i feel, what's going on inside me..

last night and this morning (and now) i feel... great. wonderful. you, your image, your being, your voice, all that i have of you that is you floats in my consciousness. i see you, hear you, feel you. we're happy again. i hear you laugh.

even just in our short conversation, i feel ?rejuvenated?. hard to explain. when you ?come back to me? it lifts me. i'm happy again. i'm positive. i feel "i can do this" (meaning continue living). it sounds corny, but the world is a better place when i know you're in it.

our talk last night and last week both encourage me and frighten me. whatever happens in a few months, you'll be happy, you'll have chosen a life, you'll be able to put all the uncertainty and pain behind you. for that i'm happy.

i'm scared too because i know that at the end of those few months (which will seem so long looking forward to them and when they are past and i'm waiting for your answer, will seem to have flown by), my future will be decided. i will either have the woman and the life i want or i will know that i have to find a future life alone. even that's okay, because if that's my future, i'll still have you for my best friend, and i can take comfort in knowing that you're happy.

in the meantime, i'm looking forward to us having good, fun times again. to rediscovering each other, to enjoying again all the things that make us who we are. do you know what i mean?

i'm happy thinking about you. and about us having fun again, being friends again. there are, and will be, times when i look past the us now and see the us that i want and know that it's not happening now, that we're missing out, and that we may never have it. and it makes me so, so sad. to my core. and sometimes it's hard for me to get back from that.

but for now, i'm happy.

i'm glad you're in my life B. more than you know.

me

and even though i may not have told you in a while,

i want you.

very, very much.

lost. but hopeful.

lost. but hopeful.

alone. yet i feel she's always with me. i want to believe that i'm with her when she's away in her life.

yet to hope that isn't to give her the distance that she needs now.

it feels like i have to open my heart and let her leave. maybe more like she's opening the door to her heart and i have to leave her.

maybe not forever. maybe just for awhile. but it might be forever.

will she invite me back in? in her heart is where i want to be, where i feel i belong. she's in mine and always will be. what if she doesn't want to come back?

how can i do this? yet for her, how can i not?

now i remember what it means to be alone.

about four years ago i realized i was pretty much alone. then i found B. and i thought i'd never be alone again. how could i, how could anyone ever be alone if they had someone like B in their life? someone who knew them so well, often better than they even knew themselves? someone that you could love so completely, so without reservation, so ?wholly?.

g-d i miss her...

and now?

it could be soon - any minute, or not for another three or four hours.

the moment i've been waiting for since tuesday. the moment i've been living in fear of since tuesday.

her call.

it'll come, sooner or later, of that i'm sure.

but after our talk on tuesday.... i'm not sure where she'll be, where she'll be calling from. it's been five long days. and before that we barely talked once in four days. but she's a woman of action - once she sets her mind to something, consider it done. and knowing her, she's wasted no time getting her life back in order.

i'm not even sure what i'm dreading, because it's gonna happen, if it hasn't already. she's turning back to her life there. i'm out of the game. not an option. she's focusing on her life with him, her relationship with bf, to the exclusion of anything else. ie, me.

in the end it'll be better for her. she'll either decide/learn to be happy there, or decide that she can't be and move on.

better for her. the end of hope for me.

in whatever way i can, however she'll let me or call on me for help, i'll help her get there. i'll get the joy of seeing my best friend come back to life, renew her relationship, start enjoying life again. and all it costs me is the woman i love. but i can't have her anyway. so i can either keep trying to (never) have her and keep us both unhappy or accept my loss and at least help her get back to being happy.

she's my friend and i love her. i love her with all my heart -and- she's my friend.

i want her happy.

her. here.

she's here... but ...

recent events have caused her to start thinking about her life. i guess that's a good thing, because i've often said i want her to do so rather than just let the years drift by. but i'm very scared that the ultimate outcome will be not what i wan. well, that's not quite right - what i want is that she be honest with herself and choose the life she wants. that -she- -wants-. to not be influenced by doing what's best for him or doing other than what's best for her so as to not hurt him. what i hope for is that she chooses a life with me.

she thinks she's never given her and bf a fair chance, never worked at it. she's been there 8 years!! if the first few weren't enough of a fair shot, then what? she's said that he's just not capable of giving her some of the things she wants from a relationship and from a partner - so what good would another shot do? if those things are things she really wants, then there's no chance of it working. even worse, what if other things become more bearable but she still doesn't have the things she wants? now she'll feel more trapped and she still won't leave.

i fight for her because i don't have a choice. she may tell herself that i'm not what or who she wants (and i may not be), but she IS the one for me.

and i am so scared that i will lose her.

and why won't she give us just the -slightest- bit of a fair chance? just a single face to face.. aren't we worth that much??

is this the end?

i feel like i'm sitting on death row waiting to hear if the governor has issued a pardon.

will she be back today? or is she done with me?

how can she be done? does she not feel all that makes us special and unique and different? what does he have that is so much more? what parts of their life together hold her so strongly?

i have erred so many times and in so many ways... but i've never wanted to do anything other than love her. i've always wanted to show her (and learn with her) what a real love could be like, what the relationship between two people who know and understand each other so well, who love each other so unquestioningly, so completely, could be. instead she chooses to stay in a relationship where she's numb to all feeling. where she doesn't get the mental and emotional stimulation that she craves.

why?

instead she'll live the average american life: she'll go through thousands of days with a man she doesn't really love living an unfulfilling life. in ten or fifteen years she'll decide she's had enough and leave, regretting not having done it years earlier.

she'll be me.

and neither of us will have had the life we could have had.

nothing

baby... where are you?

i have no real reason to think she's really gone. her email said she'd be back in the office tomorrow.

i just have a feeling. there's an iron fist around my heart. there's no future.

why do i feel this?

how do i make it till tomorrow to see if she's coming back?

if she's not back tomorrow, how do i make it till next monday to see if she'll come back then?

if she's not back then, how do i make it?

baby.. please.. if you're out there .. please come back

please

nothing

why won't she call me, email me, something???

has he finally won completely? if so, he wins nothing - because he already had everything. and he doesn't even know he's won.

have i finally completely lost? if so, i lose everything. everything.

everything.

b, where are you??

please, i beg you ... call, write, something... please find a way

please don't leave.

don't run.

don't go.

please

where are you???

where are you b??

please come back, please call me, please...

please don't leave..

i feel this terrible dread that she's gone. completely. that i'll never hear from her again..

i can't eevn think straight... how can this be? please tell me this isn't happening...

how can i live a life empty of her? without her laugh, her presence in my life??

why would i want to?

b, if you're out there, please, please, please come back

i don't know...

i'm so confused...

i got a very short email... with a quick recap of what happened friday..


but... somethings not right...

too many other things that seem ... off...

why won't she call?

i feel it... lost... she's gone..

i know it...

waiting for the drawer to open

the near and distant future of my life is being decided, or has already been decided, by events and people a thousand miles away.

she's up, starting her day, getting ready for work. what's her world like now? was it a tense, argumentative weekend? was he at her with accusations and comments all weekend? did they argue all weekend or was it over friday night? did she do her best to smooth it over? did she get them past the friday incident or did she get their life together smoothed out? has she decided to stay? or to go? or is she still going to just go along day to day, numb to life, unfeeling, unwanting?

has she lost more of herself? have we lost us? has she lost us?

i wonder if i kid myself when i think thoughts like "I know i'd be good for her. I know that together we'd have a great life, a phenomenal relationship". does she think these things? -am- i kidding myself? i can't believe so though... the feelings i have for her are too real, too strong, too pervasive through every minute of my life, every thought, every action.

now what?

this is bad.

we're talking after work. it wasn't going great but we were starting to get some communication going. suddenly she says something - i wasn't sure, but thought i heard bf's name, then lots of commotion. it sounded like she threw the phone into a drawer.

which is exactly, as it turns out, what she did.

i listened for several minutes, occasionally catching a snippet of conversation.

i heard him yelling at her for not being able to get her on her cell phone.

"...trying to call you every two minutes on your cell.... what are you hiding... "

he very clearly and distinctly said her name.

there was a lot of noise, like desk drawers being opened and closed.

i never heard her voice so i'd guess she was in the outer part of the office making for the door while he was in her office looking around. she must have turned out the lights and been trying to get him to leave because he said "... why'd you turn out the lights.... what are you trying to keep me from finding?.... i said gimme two minutes...".

and then there was a very systematic series of loud noises which sounded like the drawers in the desk where the phone was hidden being opened, shuffled through, then closed. it was pretty obvious (and scary) when the drawer with the phone was opened. but he didn't find it.

then there was silence. i continued to listen for another 20 or 30 minutes, hoping she might come back, but i'm sure that she got him to leave and they were gone for the weekend.

i can only imagine what kind of weekend she's going to have. my heart aches for her.

this will be an eternally long weekend for me and an even longer one for her.

for me, i fear that she's fighting, begging to keep that relationship alive. and because it's 2-1/2 days until we talk again, she'll be mentally pushing me further and further away, shedding me like sand bags of ballast to keep the balloon afloat. mentally, emotionally she's pulling away, leaving the chasm between us wider than ever before.

for her, i fear even more. she's already battered and beaten, emotionally, psychically. she's withdrawing even more. this beautiful, vibrant, alive woman is being crushed by the turmoil around her.

i'm her friend and i'm not helping. worse than not helping, i'm a major factor in why she's being crushed.

now what?

i wait for her... we have so much to talk about and so little time

i wait for her.

i watch the minutes tick by on the clock (over a hundred so far) as i wait for her to come back to my world, to invite me back into hers.

with each minute i wonder "what is she doing -right now-?".

we have so much to talk about.

so little time.

there's so much future ahead of us.

if we can get there.

the slow, speedy crawl of time

time, and the flow of time, is so non-linear. it seems pretty well accepted that time passes quicker as you get older. certainly the younger you are, the longer a day, a week, a year seems. when you're in your late 20's and you look ahead, you can't really see the end - it's 50 or more years away.. an eternity of life left.

when you get to be middle aged, the single biggest change in perception, for me anyway, has been the recognition of my own mortality. fully -half- of my life is gone. i can see the end. it's real, it's seeable, it's not that far away. when you're young and you look back to the early part of your life, it seems close and the end seems so far away. from here, in the middle, i can see each end equally well.

also, when you look forward, a year seems so long. getting up, going to bed 365 times, turning the calendar 12 times, celebrating anniversaries. take that same year and look back and it's soooo short. it was here and now it's gone.

since i've known b, two of my years have passed. two full years. two years that, if we should ever get together, we can never get back. if we got together today and it's my destiny to die in two more years, those two lost years would have been HALF of our time together. gone.

while talking to b i remembered a conversation we had about a year ago... we were talking about the upcoming year, maybe what might or might not happen during it, maybe i was remembering a comment she made that before she left she'd take about a year to 'get things in order', accounts, property, whatever.

a year ago i thought that by the end of this year we'd be together, or would have at least met. it seemed like such a long time in the future. and now it's almost gone. another year. and she said that -once she decided- to leave, it could take a year for her to get things in order. she hasn't decided. it doesn't seem like she's any closer to even thinking about deciding. so that remote possibility is pushed out another year. and that's if she decided today. which she's not.

another year spent without her. another year spent loving someone i've never seen, may never see, but who i know is the one for me. another year where she chose him every single day. every day. out of 365 decisions, not once did she decide to see me. not to be my partner, not to be my lover, not to meet for lunch, not to let me see her smile at me.

perhaps i should be bitter but i'm not. i've been told i should wake up. my only regret, my truest, deepest regret is the passage of each day. because if she should ever decide to see me or be with me, none of those days can be recovered, each precious day lost. she tells me sometimes that she feels that i think that what she gives me is never enough. to a degree that's true - because i want all of her. i know in my heart that we belong together. but to be honest, the things she's taught me about myself, and love, and what it's like to truly love someone, and how much joy the right person can bring to your life are more than enough to get from anyone. do i want more? yes. i want all of her. but only if she wants me. and i have to face the fact that i may not be the one for her.

he goes through each day with her as though it's just another day, not knowing. not knowing her, not knowing her unhappiness, not knowing the hold he has on her, not even aware that every day she chooses their life together over whatever i can offer, over whatever anyone else can offer. i pray each day that she'll come back to me, bring me back into her life. i pray that someday she'll trust me enough, want me enough to want to meet me.

everyday i wait for her return. everyday i hope i can please her just a little. when she opens herself to me and lets me feel just some of the love that's in her, it sends me soaring. then a part of me is sad that i'm not enough of what she wants to pull all of her away, sad that another day that we could have had together has passed. and at the end of every day she chooses him again, goes home to him, goes to the life she lives.

my heart breaks and i cry. for my loss and for hers, because i would be good for her. i feel it, i know it. of all the people in her life that she knows, of all the people that she comes into contact with and never know her other than for a moment or an evening, of all the people she could ever cross lives with, i'm the one who carries this love for her. no one cares for her more, no one knows her like i do. and while no one is let in like i am, no one is kept out like i am either.

and when she leaves me today my heart will break. and i'll mourn another day lost forever that we'll never be able to get back. and i'll pray that tomorrow she lets me back into her life.

and through it all, i'll love her. as i have, as i do, as i will.

to be touched

she touches my heart, my being, my soul.

she touches me in ways i never thought possible.

without a look or a smile or a touch she touches me.

what would it be like in person? what would it be like to be her partner, her lover, her soulmate?

when she touches me nothing else matters.

with soft words and softness of tone, she reaches through me and touches my very soul.


how can she have such effect on me?


how can it be that our lips will never touch, that our eyes will never look into each others'?

how can this be? how could nature, the universe, g-d, allow this to happen? how could they allow a love like this to never be fulfilled?

strictly personal reasons

why won't you trust me b?

the thing that's in motion now actually removes much of the ?threat? of anyone wondering who i am if i were to call - because they'd know me as a business contact.

so after removing the possibility of arousing any suspicions at work....

the reason(s) to stay hidden must be deeper, strictly personal.

i thought one of the reasons for not telling me your number was to prevent anyone from being ?suspicious? and maybe mentioning something to bf about another guy calling you... but all this would give me -complete- ?validity? for calling, at least for a while (longer, if the co. actually -used- my services, which i would bank all the money and use if for trips to see you...)... so the core reason(s) to stay hidden have to be much more personal... not wanting me to know you, being scared i'll screw up your life with bf, just scared of me personally, or all the above... no matter, ultimately, because i still want you in my life... it hurts, but on the other hand, it's okay too. i understand, and then again i don't. i NEED you to let me in, but i know that for as long as you don't i'll still be here.

elation

last night and this morning when i awoke, i was thinking about her (nothing unusual in that). she didn't feel well friday and she went home a little early. i thought about her all weekend, hoping that she was feeling better, but knowing that there was a chance that she might not come in today.

still, she's pretty tough and i didn't really expect her to be out today.

so when she called of course i was happy. happy to hear her, happy she's feeling better, even though not happy that she's still not over it.

we talked.

i wish i could explain, put into words, what that's like for me. she's a drug. and i cannot get enough of her. when we reconnect for the first time like this, i can feel, physically feel myself getting elated. i feel myself speeding up. my mood soars, even if it was good before. i'm like the kid who got to pick out the one present they most wanted in the world and i can see them bringing it to me from the back of the store. i -know- what it is, what i'm getting. it's what i want. and the elation that i feel as i hear her and talk to her is just... amazing.

she is what i want.

my entire being smiles.

if only i could smile with her. wake up to her. hold her.

i wonder if she smiles the same way for him.

i wonder if she smiles the same way for me.

she's back in my world again.

life is good.

meeting. meetings.

it's a good day. she's close (i feel close to her, not the other way around). she's distracted with work issues. we've talked; good talk, good interaction. but she's busy and distracted and not available.

this is where i start to get ?fuzzy?. i'm ready for her, waiting for her. i know she's busy and i know that doesn't mean she's distant or forgotten about me or any of that. still... i'm ready for her.

i want to see her. i need to see her. it's time. i think -we- need it. but i can't push her, can't convince her of the rightness of it, can't even try to convince her lest i set her completely against it. she has to come to the conclusion/decision herself - but i don't think she ever thinks about it. it's not high on her list of important things to think about and frankly, with all that's going on in her life, i don't blame her. but that doesn't mean i don't think about it, or that i don't want to convince her, or that it's not important to me, or that i don't still believe that it would so immeasurably change our relationship for the better, remove so much stress from us.

we've brushed on it. i need to make a trip back to see my daughter in December, so i'll be close. i hesitate to bring it up or push the issue, yet how can i not? it's too important. even so i steel myself against the rejection, her refusal to want to see me.

that's what really hurts. that she says she wants to but doesn't want to enough to do it. rejection, again. choosing him again. choosing but not me.

by her own admission it's something she'd look forward to. she knows how i feel about it.

it's just lunch B. just lunch. just talk, just us becoming real.

but still i steel myself.

--------

with any luck, i may actually be able to (finally!!!) do something of value for her. a business issue discovered yesterday that i may be able to give her something that will help her with her partners and the running of her business. finally.

her. me.

it started yesterday. and with a good evening with her, then a fantasyful night, a good morning and great conversation this morning, it's really blossomed full bloom.

she's been with me, sexually.

last night i watched a video of a party. even though the thought of her there killed me, the erotic side of it and her and i, the thoughts of how she enjoyed it, will enjoy it again, of how it'd be if we could enjoy it together.. these thoughts are good and welcome.

then today, after our long talks, she was -here- with me. those talks left me warm and comfortable and close. i reread an email i sent her not long ago about my conference table. and that reminded me of the time recently when she wore a skirt for me and brought things to the office and even though we didn't get to play then, it's a good memory.

that day i'd teased her with references to something hanging behind my office door, something not as simple as what she'd brought, which i knew was what she'd think. i started writing it up, with the intent of sending it to her. i want to send it to her, want to share it with her.

the old me, the one she was attracted to, the one she lusted, would speak up to her about sex anytime the mood struck. i'm so close to doing it all the time, then hold back because i know she's not in the mood. and i'm not sure i'm enough to tempt her anymore.

but right now, i want her so much.

so much it hurts.

but truth of the matter is i always want her. that much and more.

much, much more.

her touch

her touch calms me. sates me.

it's all i want - her. her voice, her laugh, her attention, her love, her lust.

just her.

when she touches me i am happy.

soon...

finally. it seemed like today would never get here. and now that it's here i worry about her - will she get here?

i know she'll get here, but how? will she be anxious to be back to me? will she be anxious to get into her office, drop everything and call? or will she be anxious to get back to the office and get started on the things she didn't get to on Friday and Monday and get to me in a couple of hours when she takes a break and happens to think about it?

have they fixed it up this weekend?

sometimes i wonder if she even remembers me until she gets back to work. five days and not once did she have 5 mins alone to call for a quick "hi"? in -five- days? (four and a half.. so i'm rounding, tuff.) but i knew she wouldn't. she almost never does on regular weekends and this weekend i was with someone. she hasn't called me on a weekend in quite a while.

quite a while.

and we've been having less and less time during the day too. is this part of a cycle or is she winding us down? is she tired of this? or decided to stay?

i can't do anything about it no matter what it is. i can only enjoy having her in my life, whatever part of her she'll give me, until she takes it away. after that, when that happens, nothing much will matter anyway.

in the meantime, i wait for her. anxious, excited at her return. i want to hear her voice, her laugh, find out how she's been.

just her presence makes me so happy, fills me with.. life. i used to do that for her.

soon she'll be back. not soon enough, but soon.

the pall settles

i've fought it since yesterday, maybe saturday. i've had images, thoughts, visions of her; her life, her party(parties?) all of the moments that make up her day, her weekend, her week, her life.

i wanted to call her alter ego today to see if she was in the office but i didn't. what difference would it make? suppose she too was out of the office. suppose it confirmed for me that she and b were one and the same, then what? it wouldn't make her want me any more (probably less), it wouldn't make her love me any more, it wouldn't make it more likely that she'd let me into her life, wouldn't make it more likely she'd leave bf, wouldn't put a picture on my desk, wouldn't change anything.

i thought about her and identity and coincidence and all that a lot this afternoon. and slowly, through the fog, it came to me. i know why she won't meet me, why she won't open herself up to me, why she's still in a relationship that she doesn't seem to want to be in.

she's married to him.

not figuratively. actually. she once told me that the alterego woman was married. i took it as a fact that didn't fit what i knew, took it as a contributing proof that b and this alter ego were not one and the same.

and like a pall of smoke from a not too distant forest fire will slowly creep in and blot out the sun, so this has come over me. she's married to bf. he's not bf, he's "husband". it explains why she won't this and won't that and more than anything, why she stays.

she's married.

and i'd expect no less from her. she'll stay with it until there's no alternative. she's not a quitter, even if quitting is what she thinks would be best for her.

which means: i'm alone. and she's alone. there is -no- B in my future. no B, no chance of B.

she's loyal, even if she's not happy.

and she'll stay. no matter what.

so she'll live out her days unhappy. as will i. unhappy and alone.

making do with someone else.

fuck.

who wants that?

not me.

she's married.

fuck.

funny. i thought the dog parable was so insightful, so intuitive, so.. meaninful. it's not. it's just more crap from a lonely mans mind. a man wishing he could have a woman that he can't have. a woman that he thinks wants him too.

but she's married. she has a husband.

she sure doesn't need me.

it's almost over

Its almost over. Just one more day and she'll be back in my world. I keep hearing her words: "even though we're not right in front of each other it doesn't mean we're not there with each other".

I wonder if she means that? Does she hold me with her even when we're apart? Even when we're apart for so long? Or do I (we?) fade from her thoughts when she leaves the office for the day or weekend?

I've spent time away this weekend. It was fun, no doubt. But even so, B was never far from my thoughts. She never is.

And today she's home with -him- and together they're dealing with the dogs' health issues. Here's where I start to feel bad.

I know what it's like to have a sick pet. They're friend, companion, part of the family and having to deal with their illness is stressful. And when I think about her dealing with it the next thing that comes to mind is that -he'll- be there for her, he'll be there to comfort her and hold her. And that will bring them closer as they go through this chapter of their life together.

and no matter how much i may feel that the parable of the dog might apply to her life (or maybe no matter how much i -wish- it was a mirror of her life), it's just wishful thinking on my part.

and again i'm brought back to the cold reality that she doesn't want me to know her, who she is, doesn't really want me a part of her real world, her real life, doesn't want to be lovers enough to make it so, doesn't want me to even see her smile... and that what is today is likely to be what there is, period.

a lifetime without her.

lonely days

i miss you b.

she's out of the office today for meetings and out again monday for personal reasons.

i miss not having her to talk to. i'm -okay- (right now anyway.. come sunday and especially monday it might be a very different proposition), but it's lonely without her in my day. even if only to chat with for a few minutes, and an occasional IM.

i admit to being a little peeved that she didn't think she could find a few minutes to call today. it makes me feel like it's not important to her. yes, she'll be with a business partner, but .. so? and she won't even make the effort to call over the weekend because I'll be visiting someone out of town. and monday she won't try because she'll be with bf most of the day.

fuck.

the thought occurred to me to check to see if the other person (that i think she is) is in the office today. but truthfully, i don't care. what would it gain me? i don't care. if she wanted me to know she would tell me. and she doesn't want me to know. she still wants to be hidden from me. protected from me, from any chance of me intruding on her life. it makes me very sad to think that, but it's the truth. and me knowing everything about her wouldn't make her seeing me any more likely. so i have to take what she's given me, know that there'll probably never be any more than that, and live with it. i still can't reconcile her loving and wanting me with her needing (STILL needing) to hide from me, but again, it doesn't really matter if i can reconcile it or not. it's what she wants.

I still wish she'd want me to have a picture though. -something- of her.

g-d, it's gonna be a long time till tuesday. such a very long time.

i miss you b. hurry back.

weekend? more like a leave of absence

she's out of the office all day tomorrow. then another (fucking!!) weekend. and she's out of the office on monday too.

almost five days.

i was doing well. even up till mid day today. and as her departure today gets inexorably closer, i feel it.

it's not panic (though it sometimes feels like that). it's not fear (although i still fear she may resolve her relationship issues with him and never really come back). it's not anger (i know she has a life beyond -me-.. and truthfully, i'm the least real part of her life).

it's jealousy (that he gets her, this weekend and everyday, every morning, every night). it's loneliness (i have so much love to give her but she won't be with me). it's despair (that this weekend is just a sample of the thousands of days to come in my life that will be spent without her). it's sadness (for myself, that she doesn't feel for me, doesn't love me like i love her, doesn't want to be with me like i want to be with her, doesn't feel the need to be with me like i feel the need to be with her). it's regret (that having found -her-, fate has conspired to keep us apart by giving her one she loves instead).

i know i'll live through these next five days. just like i'll live, somehow, through the rest of my life spent without her by my side.

so unfair.

so long i've waited for her, waited to find her. wasn't even sure what i was looking for until i found her.

i can reach out my hand but can't quite touch her. my heart calls to her but isn't loud enough to be heard. i wave to her frantically but i can't get her attention.

strength. strength is what's needed now. i have to be here for her during this time and the months to come. later, when she's happy again, when she's found herself again, then i'll grieve for my loss.

how can i complain about -anything-???

this seems to be the week for eye opening reflection.

the insights into our relationship (and me) from talking to B earlier this week.

and now thinking about her and her dog - i'm seeing so much. when you only look at your life in a mirror, all you see is yourself, and you miss all the rest of the world. you especially miss the people that make your world worth living in. like her.

how can g-d, fate, the universe, whatever you want to call it, put this too on her, now?

i've been wallowing in self-pity, living in "woe-is-me-coz-she-won't-have-me" land. truth of the matter is, i have nothing really to complain about. i don't have a wife or a family or a home - but that's all of my own doing. i don't have the love i want, the lover i want, B, but i never had a claim to her anyway. i have no real troubles in my life. i work, i go home. i make enough money to pay my obligations and still live comfortably enough. there are almost no demands on my time other than work. i pretty much do what i want when i want, with little consideration for how it affects others, because almost nothing i do really does affect others. if i were to die or disappear, there would be barely a ripple in the daily lives of very few people.

and she is shouldering so much right now. all the stress that i've put on her, pressure to be with me and everything related to that. her unhappiness in her relationship with bf, with her home life. uncertainty about what she should do about me, him, her life. crap at work with partners that contribute only a fraction of the energy and devotion and work to the business that she does. and now this - her dog.

fuck. i wish i could take some of the load off of her. she won't come to me, but i can be here for her anyway.

too many times during conversations and other troubled periods of our time together, i've slapped her in the face by saying or doing things so completely self-centered, so completely 'all about me'. not this time.

what she needs from me now is what i should have been to her all along - a friend. i need to pull back my heart from trying to attract her as a lover and just be here as her friend. forego my own needs and wants (for once!!) and be here as a source of comfort and strength for her and let her take from me whatever she wants or needs or will have.

she deserves no less.

so although she won't take me for her lover or partner, she does love me and she trusts me and she'll have me as her friend. and for once, perhaps i can give her what she wants, what she needs, what she deserves.

because she is my friend. because i want to ease her pain. because i love her.

the life of a dog - a mirror of life?...a parable

two become a couple. to celebrate their new life together, they acquire a puppy. the dog grows strong, healthy. it is a fun and vibrant life.

but inside this life something is wrong. a cancer grows. unseen at first. undetected. yet still it grows. there are small signs; a bump, a nodule, a growth. they have a "feeling", hard to discern, that something is amiss. unable to give its own words, the dog feels the growths, but has no words. the couple notices symptoms, pains, discomforts but, confident all is well, is unable or unwilling to accept the possibility that something is not right.

there are episodes where the pains are treated, the discomforts examined, poked, prodded, the symptoms eased for a while with treatment. superficial, topical treatment - new toys, new activities, changes in routine. for a while the pain subsides yet the cancer continues to grow.

finally the symptoms become unmistakeably obvious. unable to ignore the odd pains and lumps and bumps anymore, serious diagnosis is sought. the patient is ill, seriously, fatally ill. for the time being there is still life, love, vivaciousness. but the diagnosis and the ultimate outcome remain the same. those who loved this life, who were part of it, will mourn its passing. death and dying are never happy events, although it can be almost welcomed, if it brings a respite from pain to those involved. the survivors will move on, forever changed, forever touched by this life that was once shared and is now gone.

a death is not something to welcome, although it can bring a release, a relief, almost permission to move on. the death of anything alive and vibrant is a sad thing, whether a child, a parent, a lover, a pet .... or a relationship.

those outside the immediate will offer their condolences, shake their heads in sadness. there will be words of solace offered, perhaps even recriminations and blame. but there is no blame, no fault, no negligence. all things that grow, even those that for a time flourish, die. some before their apparent time. sometimes there are deep unknown differences which, ultimately, are not conducive to long life.

as the end nears and the poison spreads and the quality of life continues to erode, what do you do? do you hang on tightly, preserving this life, unwilling to admit its passing, doing anything, at any cost, to allow it to continue, perhaps to ease your own suffering, perhaps even at the cost of continued pain for the waning life? or do you hold it tenderly, thank it for the years of joy and pleasure, and kiss it as you end the suffering, allowing it to pass with dignity?

:-( fuck fuck fuck

fuck.

be strong. for her. for me. for us.

on top of all the turmoil in "us" lately, her dog is ill. she's a lot more upset than she lets on. and she's closing down, turning inward. i offer all that i can offer (not much, i know) but whatever consolation or understanding or support i can give her is here for her.

she won't take it. she's closing off, shutting down.

maybe she'll get comfort from bf, since they'll be handling this together. he better fucking be there for her and understand what she's feeling and going through, and give her the support and comfort she needs and will be looking for, because she won't tell him how she's feeling and how much she's hurting. he better fucking pick up on it, damn him.

he better fucking be there for her.

a slight glitch

okay.. there's a slight glitch.. she's got a mtg that'll run probably another two hours.

but she called to tell me, so that ?helped? (and otherwise i'd'a had problems probably, coz she just wouldn't have called or been available till then...

but even just the two minute conversation we had - it ?helped? maybe revitalized me? strengthened me?

i can do this.

funny - this morning after we talked, i felt like the me from two years ago, from our early days.

i liked it.

hurry back to me B... i'm waiting for ya..

it's fine

so far so good.

we had a nice (great!) talk this morning. i still feel it, her.

i feel almost ?jubilant?exhalted?.. certainly "content" (even though i'll never be truly content without having her)...

but i'm .. fine.. feel good. she sounded good too, which makes me very happy. very happy.

can't wait to talk to her again...

she's got a way about her

(apologies to Billy Joel...)

but she does. we had quite a talk last night. not our first deep one and certainly not our last. everytime we have a talk like this one, where we talk about us as individuals and us as -us- and all that goes with that, she confirms for me all that i think about her - that she is deep and complicated, sensitive and principled, self-aware and compassionate.

i don't 'get' human behavior - mine or others. most of the time it's a mystery to me why people do the things they do, even why -i- do the things i do. all my life i've been a pretty closed off guy, which i suppose is fairly typical. but no so with her; in fact, increasingly -less- closed off as time has gone by. to the point where she almost always knows what's at the heart of me, either because she can sense it or because i display it to her. i've known that my feelings and emotions were much more visible to her than to anyone else. i knew it and accepted it as a good thing (after all, isn't that what women always want? to be able to know a mans' feelings?). it even felt good to be so emotionally open and available to her.

she was able to explain to me how that affects her. i thought she'd ?appreciate? my openness and that it would be an enhancement to our relationship. in fact, she's not always positively affected by -so much- emotional openness. it sounds ?worse? than it really is and she did a much better job of explaining it to me. whatever, i now have a better understanding of how -my- behavior affects -hers-, and it's not the way i'd assumed it to be. i don't take this as a negative, not at all. i'm kind of ?relieved? because at least i understand our dynamics a little better. and because it's been ?draining? at times to always have my emotions be right -there- on the surface, not only for her to see but for me to always have -there-.

it's so difficult to explain in words, so easy to -feel- and -understand-.

the only thing that i disliked about our talk was that i didn't want to talk about me. i wanted to get her talking about herself and her life and her feelings. i want to have and understand more of her because obviously i'm not doing a good job of being there for her now. i've both pushed her inward with my own behaviors and not been there to support her and keep her from withdrawing while dealing with her own issues that she's been dealing with. i've been so focused on how the things that have been happening in our lives affect -me- that i haven't been very supportive of her.

so where i wanted to talk to her, get her to talk and feel comfortable and open up, we wind up with her talking about me. it was a good and necessary talk (probably overdue) but still did nothing to alleviate any of the stress on her. although i'm sure if i ?lighten up? it'll lessen her burdens too.

so this morning i wait for her to come in, to contact me. and while i've missed her all night, as i always do, i'm feeling good. i'm anxious (in a good way) and expectant of hearing from her. actually, i can't wait - because she is such a bright spot in my life. i want her close, want her to kiss me on the cheek and say hi and give me her bright smile and chat for a minute before we dive into our day. and i'm looking forward to, while we're apart again, holding her presence close to me and knowing that she's there and drawing happiness from just having her in my life.

she is so rare and special. i love her.

unsure. waiting.

we talked but i can't tell anything.

it's so strange that i'm so.. dread and anticipatory when waiting for her, but when she starts talking to me i get so lifted up. so happy to hear her and have her attention. for a while i rise above all my hurt and loss and self-doubts and am able to enjoy having her.

then she goes away for hours. and i have to wait for her again. she doesn't even want to IM. won't answer emails. or IMs. probably doesn't listen to voicemails. probably doesn't remember that she has snail mail to pick up.

have i become such a small part of her that she doesn't want any of me around except when she's directly giving me her attention?

now what do i do?

i can't do last night to myself everytime she hurts me. the physical abuse will, eventually, kill me, if the emotional pain doesn't get me there first.

and i don't even know if she really hurt me. maybe she really did want to run early. or maybe she and he had a very special Halloween party to go to. and maybe she is having weekly wednesday get togethers. i have no proof. she won't tell me. i'll never see the pics. i have no reason, really, to suspect that anything is other than as she says it is. it's just that the whole "wanna run early" thing doesn't sound like her. and the way she couldn't wait to be gone. away from me.

so either i'm making things out to be more than they are or she's having a lot more fun than she's willing to tell me.

there's nothing i wouldn't do for her. nothing.

she "does it" for me. fulfills me. she's the who and the how and the what and the one that i want.

but i have a feeling that i don't "do it" for her anymore.

and it's probably all my fault.

my undoing is all of my own doing.