Last night she was with me as i was trying to go to sleep. i listened to my voice mail just so i could hear her voice. i thought about friday, about her party experience (10/14/05... a date i'll never forget. ever.), about all the things we've talked about recently, about what this morning would be like, about how much i long to hear her again.
she was with me when i woke too. that date. how much i want to do that for and with her. how it hurts a part of me so much and how it excites another part of me and how glad i am for her that she did it. and i try not to think of how many times they may have done it since.
but more than that, it was simply...her.
i'm determined to make this monday different than they've been. i need her back, want her back, want her to run to me, but that's not how she comes back. i always want that confirmation that she's still with me, that this is still important to her, hell, that she's even coming back. how do i know that she and bf didn't spend the weekend talking intensely, working everything out, coming to a meeting of the minds and that she now knows that that's where she belongs? every monday it's what i fear - that he's won her back over the weekend and that i've lost her for good.
but she's told me many times that she is coming back, that she won't ever just disappear. i know that's not the same as saying she won't decide to stay for good or that she's ready to see me (because obviously she's not or i'd have been there this weekend!). so i know she'll talk to me again this monday. and that's what i wait for.
well, that and to hear her tell me she loves me and wants to be with me. but that's a different fantasy.
now for the first hard part - getting through the next two to four hours until she calls. and then the rest of the day trying to read her, to figure out how her life was this weekend, what happened, what changed. where she's at.
and still i can't wait till she's back...
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