coming to terms

long night. i'm coming to terms with it, but it's still not easy.

80% of me is okay with it. she's an adult, she's sexual, she knows what she wants, she's in a relationship where he's okay with it too and will help her get what she wants. i'm mostly okay with the physical aspects, the actuality of it happening, with her initiating and getting what she wanted. i'm still surprised and (selfishly) ?saddened? that he's okay with helping her get these experiences. i didn't think he would be. guess i've underestimated him and their relationship again.

i think i'm okay with talking about it. i want to talk about it with her, want her to tell me all about it, although i don't think she will. i want to know the details and the larger picture. how she felt, how he reacted, how it got arranged, her feelings about asking for it, her anticipation leading up to it, her feelings during and after, did she get the aftercare she needed. i want to talk to her, want her to share all of it with me. i'm excited for her, glad she got to experience something i know she wanted. i think i could even do the pictures, if she'd share them. the images swirl in my head and i can't get rid of them. but those are almost as self inflicted punishment. no matter, she doesn't want me to have any pics of her, period.

it's the other 20% that i'm struggling with. the personal side of it as it relates to her and i. the feeling that this was ours and that i didn't get to experience her first time with her. that we didn't get to do it together. i have no right to feel this because i've certainly usurped things that were ours. and yet i know that the "me" aspect of this will lessen and i'll truly come to ?appreciate? what the experience is and was (and what future repeats will be) for her. just as with the strip club and the swing club and the car, this too will become something that i know of in her sexual past and it'll be an experience that shows a side of her that i enjoy and encourage and appreciate. just as i wanted (and still want) to know all the details of what happened at the clubs and during the car experience, so i want to know all the details of this. i want to know her feelings and pleasures and experiences, want to hear her enjoyment, share in her sexuality and her discoveries.

all of it brings her closer to me, at least from my perspective. it makes her ?more valuable? to me, deepens my feelings for her. makes me want her even more.