i can't do it

i can't handle this. she's gone.

gone.

i can't breathe. can't concentrate. i've im'd her a dozen times, left her messages. sent emails. checked my email a million times.

i've had to go outside to get some privacy three times. sat in the bathroom. walked around the building.

i can't do it. i won't be able to handle this. how can it be so easy for her? the largest and most important part of my life is just ... gone.

now what?

the first time this happened, i went to a friends house to get away and spent three days completely wasted. we had phones then and about 4:13pm on that saturday i got a message that said "i miss my friend".

now she just wants me gone.

how can i make it through the rest of my life? or through the weekend? even through the rest of today?

and why? why bother? there's nothing on the other side of today, tomorrow, the weekend, next year.. only more time without her.

who needs it? who would want it?

i don't.

i don't even want to make it to tonight. maybe there'll be a traffic accident and a fiery death. it'll hurt less than this. and then it'd be over.

this pain will never be over.