Uneasy about being at (even somewhat at) ease

she's got some work problems she's dealing with this morning. three hours ago she said she'd "brb". no problem, we all know what brb means - could be 2 minutes, could be an hour. for some people it could go much longer; i tend to find that i -have- to get back to her w/i an hour or so just to let her know i didn't forget her. (yeah, right, like that could happen.) and i admit, that since i've known her these last two years, i find it very hard to go more than an hour or so without communicating with her or at least trying to.

she's different, has a different "need to talk" timescale than i. it's taken me a long time to even ?accept? that and i finally do; mostly. it's one thing when it's an hour in the middle of the day, something completely different when it's a whole weekend (have i mentioned how much i've hated weekends since last thanksgiving?) and then lunch on monday before we get to talk. that still drives me to the brink.

so now it's three hours. she's either had lunch, or met him already, or not gonna take it which means we won't get to do a little something we'd talked about (nothing worth mentioning, just something ... private and different). i can see the panic in me. i can feel it around the edges. i'm not the least bit okay with this in the sense that i "should just be able to accept it, there's nothing wrong, she's busy and will get back to me when she can". instead there's sort of a sad resignation in place, a feeling that this is my life, that she'll never let me any closer than the keyboard or the phone, that the pleasure i get from her being in my life will always be meted out, a lower priority than any of the myriad of other things that get to be a part of her physical world. i'm important to her - but the ups guy gets to actually see her, the client with stupid questions can call her office or cell, the 7-11 clerks get to see her dressed to kill.

i've wondered for some time how i can be both happy (that she's in my life) and sad (that she won't be in my life) at the same time. i read an article today that said that happiness and sadness are not mutually exclusive. that makes a lot of sense to me. when she's sensed my sadness at not being together, she's asked me if i'd rather not do this anymore. "no" is of course the answer, because she really does bring me so much happiness. i also have sadness that i'm not enough of what she wants that she'd let us be together.

i still hate bf for having such a hold on her, for not being what she needs him to be. and the ups guy for so nonchalantly knowing she's one of his stops. and the 7-11 clerks for not realizing what a beautiful person she is, for only ogling her for her physical beauty.

happy sadness? or sad happiness?

did i mention that i hate -him-?

and when she does come back and tells me that she's been dealing with non-stop bullshit, i'll feel like shit. and she'll sense my state of mind and feel bad for me, tell me she's sorry. and -that'll- make me feel crappy that i made her feel bad for doing nothing wrong.

then there's that voice at the edge of sanity that plants seeds of doubt in me... has she made her decision to stay? is she weaning me? there's absolutely NO reason for me to think that.

fuck me.

i need help. no wonder she keeps her privacy and her distance.