and the sun rises ...

we talked.

she called mid morning yesterday and we talked. it was a very ?emotional? talk, at least for me. perhaps even cathartic. i told her of my weekend thoughts, my mini-revelations, told her of the realizations i'd had about how i've been living (well, going through) my life.

in the jewish religion, the most holy day is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Before Yom Kippur, you're supposed to ask people that you've wronged for their forgiveness. To ask for forgiveness from someone you've wronged is a very ?humbling? experience. To give that forgiveness, to rise above the hurt and indignation and whatever other feelings may have come from someones' trespasses against you is difficult and takes immense ?character? and forgiveness and even love.

Explaining to B what I'd realized about my life and myself over the weekend, and talking to her about how i'd been ?obsessing? about sex and admitting to both myself and her that i'd lost sight of how my actions affected her.. all of that was very... humbling. yet at the same time, cleansing somehow. cathartic. i felt as though i was standing in front of her, baring my soul, hiding nothing, giving her my truest, most intimate thoughts, my clearest understanding of my behaviours, laying myself out in front of her.

and she opened her arms to me, held me to her breast, gave me her love and understanding.

and i feel we are somehow changed; the same, somehow better, but changed nonetheless.

i want to think about our relationship, talk about it, clarify it. i need to know where she is in her relationship with bf. i need to know where she is as regards a relationship with me. i know she's settled in some with him, that she's lessened her grip on me (or maybe more accurately lessened my grip on her). i want to think about it and talk about it to clarify in my head and heart where we are and what the chances of an "us" are and whether she still wants me physically and sexually and emotionally.

and yet, the feeling i got from her yesterday during our talk was so..... filled with love and genuine like and affection, and concern and caring, that i try to pull myself away from thinking about those things, for now at least. i want her, more than ever. and more than ever now losing the chance of a life with her, the prospect of never having her next to me, that loss is as overwhelming as ever. but for now, i just want to -be- with her. talk to her. connect. listen. open up to her and feel her accept me and hear me. be there for her and with her. be there if she chooses to open up to me and let me close. i want to be here with my arms open and if she wants to come to me for a hug and a feeling of comfort, she can wrap her arms around me and rest her head on my chest and i will wrap my arms around her and keep her safe and warm and give her a place to hide from everything.

i know i'll have to work hard to keep my feelings for her in check, to keep the jealousies and desires from bringing back old behaviors and again threatening our relationship. i haven't yet figured out how to handle the conflict between desperately wanting her relationship with bf to fail (so she'll be free to be with me) and wanting her to have the life she wants, even if it is to be with him. it's hard, very hard to be objective and want for her what she wants for herself, because one choice leaves no chance of her and i and the other leaves only a possibility that she'd have me. but they say the definition of crazy is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome. well, nothing i did before brought about the desired outcome; if anything, it only threatened to remove her from my life altogether. and since that is the least desireable outcome, then if making her happy in our relationship means helping her to be happy in her relationship with bf and supporting her in that relationship, then that's what i'll do. but if the feelings i felt from her yesterday are an indication of what she's capable of giving, even if she's still loving him, then i'll take it. the warmth and genuine affection i felt from her were just... overwhelming. while i may never have her innermost love or have her as my partner, to have her love like yesterday is more than anyone could hope for.

she is an amazing woman. i'm so fortunate to know her. and so happy to have her in my life.