a calming touch

she calms me. with just a few words, she calms me.

she asks if this is too much for me, too hard. she doesn't understand that i can never turn away from her. never. for me to cut her from my life? inconceivable. she is my life. she doesn't understand that. i don't think she really understands what i feel for her, the depth of the feeling, the love, the committment i have for her.

i can't conceive of a real, permanent relationship with anyone else. when i try, i always wind up back at her.

when i think of doing things on the weekend, going out somewhere, i see her with me. when i daydream about sex, i see her. when i go to sleep, dream, wake up, it's her. her, her, her. when i'm upset about anything, even when i'm upset about her, all i have to do is think about coming home to her, in -our- home, to -our- life together, and it calms me.

she doesn't get that. perhaps she doesn't want to; because she's happy enough where she is, or because she doesn't feel the same, or perhaps because to do so would make her want to leave.

nevertheless, i have to change. my need for her is driving her away, making it so she is beginning to dread coming back after the weekend. so my need for her to ?openly? return to me after the weekend has to be surpressed, toned down. like my need to know her, to meet her, to be her lover, to be her partner, to have her picture, to have evening or weekend phone time, to hear her tell me how she feels about me and us, my need to feel her ?hurry? back to me after the weekend has to be pulled back, toned down so it's not so much in her face. i must be able to enjoy what she -can- give me, instead of wanting what i want her to give me.

i do though, is the thing - i do enjoy what she is able to give me. when she does open to me, i feel it, deeply. the depth and intensity of her love and caring and emotions is stunningly deep - when she opens up. maybe the very fact that it is less often makes it all the more valuable when she is able to open up. it's simply that i can't get enough of her. i want it all. i want her person, her mind, her heart, her love. i want her life. i want her commitment to me. i want her partnership. i want her hand.

how is it possible to love someone with every cell of your body even knowing that you may never even get to see them?

yet i do.