don't know

i'm numb. speechles. excited. hurt. aroused. proud (of her). ashamed (of myself). confused. alone.

yesterday when we tlked she said something to me that i knew, immediately, was truthful and warm and honest and sincere, it had no trace of forcedness or fakeenss or "airkiss on the cheek" insincerity to it. after our very emotinal conversation yesterday she told me she loved me. that moved me. the sincerity of it, the simple truth of her statement touched me.

today i learned again (because i must have forgotten the feelings from the previous times) what it's like to be on th receiving end ofcertain kinds of news. she told me things today that literally left me speechless. we'd been talking, kind of building up to something and she had to take another phone call. during the ten or so minutes i was waiting, i slowly worked up to the realizatin of where the pieces were leading. i couldn't breathe.

she told me she'd done something, something pretty bold, something that i think we'd previously considered "ours". she did it with bf. and even as the red hot poker pushed through my heart, i knew i had no right ot be hurt or offendded or betrayed. for not only did she not make any committment to me, but i'd certanly betrayed her enough times.

the specifics don't matter, so suffice ti to say it's something we've talked about many, many times. i felt a thousand emotions running through me at the same time. i was hurt, numb, angry, excited, proud of her, ashamed that my adctions had pushed to do this, happy for her, aroused, confused, betrayed, in awe, curious, angered, furious, belittled and on an on. every possible conflicting emotion rolling through me resting in my heart for a minute then moving on, replacing pain with pleasure, excitement with regret, happiness with hurt.

and she has pictures. but she won't show them to me. is it because the motivation for the event was a hateful one, a hurtful one? i'm sure that's a part of it. but she doesn't want me to have pictures of her.

the hurt that i feel at her actions doesn't arouse feelings of blame or betrayal really. they serve to highlight for me what she must feel when she learns of my betrayal actions, when i lie to her.

what i feel for her is still arousal, excitement, lust, awe, pride, curiousity. love. always love. while i'm hurt, this really only seems to heighten what i feel for her. i'll admit that i'm struggling with it, with the mixed feelings i have. my love for her always rises to the top but i'm still having to sort though all the other feelings as well.it sort of really highlights for me the depth and intensity of my feelings for her. and what i hope she feels for me.

and i'm a litle more hopeless. bf is apparently okay with what she wanted. he orchestrated it and arranged it, participated in it, took pictures. so wehre i guess i had some hope that he wouldn't be able to handle her desires, if she should start asking for and getting them, i guess he will be able to after all. so she can seek what she wants and it doesn't require me. good for her life,, bad for my hopes of the future.

ultimatelyl, though, what matters is her happiness. she needs to find her pleasures. live her life. be who she is and wants to be. and my feelings and needs and wants an desires shouldn't factor into that except in wahtever ways i can add to her life not detract from it.