i woke up this morning like i usually do - thinking of B within seconds of waking up. then the memory of yesterday crashing in on my thoughts. my first reaction was that it was just a bad dream, that that didn't really happen, couldn't have happened.
as my thoughts cleared my day and my future blackened.
it's true. she's gone.
she's been there with me and for me through the hardest years of my life. now she's gone. i thought those were the hardest years, but when i look ahead i see... nothing. the worst is yet to come. i always thought she'd be there, in some fashion. truthfully i always believed that somewhere down the line we'd be together. now the realization of what lies ahead, and what doesn't, is sitting heavy on me.
i'm not sure i can take it. i'm not sure i can make it. i'm not sure i want to.
i'd really gotten through much of the acceptance that she might never see me. not all, but i knew it wasn't a given. but i'd never, ever pictured a future without her phone calls or IMs. i never ever pictured a day without talking to her multiple times, without having an hour to talk at the end of the day to just relax and connect and enjoy each others' company. i know things haven't been great lately but even with our problems, her problems and my problems, we connected, we talked. the way we were able to talk to each other and discuss things was so much beyond what most people ever find. she didn't see that, or lost sight of it, perhaps didn't remember what it's like to be surrounded by people that you can't talk to or don't want to talk to.
even when we were bad we were better at communicating than most.
and now she's gone.
lost.
i'm lost.
she's turned her back on me, on us, on everything that we had, everything that we could have had.
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