conflicting emotions

conflicts. so many conflicting thoughts and emotions.

I want to be strong, both for her and for me. I try. Sometimes I succeed. But when i need her i need her. and when i'm insecure about who and what i am to her, i'm anything but strong.

I want to lead my life like she wants me to and like i know i should. To have and pursue my own interests, to keep her as an important part of my life yet not "be waiting" on her, to know that she has her own life and may never let me be a part of that. I try, but ... I -want- her so much. i want her to be the central person in my life. my partner. my lover.

She wants me close. But not too close. sometimes i feel like she's got both hands on my chest, one pulling me and the other holding me away. She wants me to have her, wants to give herself to me completely, but can't stop hiding from me.

I've been drinking again. not a lot, but often enough. i know i shouldn't. but it dulls the senses enough that either i can forget the life i don't have or at least not dwell on it so much. it also fuzzes the images of things i can't get out of my head.

i think i want to stop seeing the couple i've been seeing. it's fun, it's exciting, it's sex. but i know it hurts her, tremendously, to think of me with them. but she'd tell me not to stop. and i want sex. but i want sex with her. i want all the sex we've ever talked about - but with her. there's sort of a vague connection in my head between my seeing them and her expanding her sexual activities, but i don't think it's a real correlation - that is, i don't think my activities directly drive hers.

i want her to have all the sex that she's always wanted and starting to find. i suspect she's having much more sex with bf than she lets on, believe they've been to the swing club more than she's told me. i want her to have all that - the swing club, other couples, gangbangs, women, bondage.. all that she wants i want her to have. even though it kills me to think about her doing it with him and with him with others, instead of with me and -us- with others. her decision to not have me shouldn't keep her from having everything else she wants.

i'm giving up my quest for sex, for now at least. i have to get past this pain i'm causing her and myself. i've started on a couple of hobby things that should keep me very occupied for some time to come. between hobbies and drinking i can probably fill most of my empty life. i'll probably try to find a part time or seasonal job too.

i beat off this morning. i woke about 4 and within seconds my thoughts were on her and her adventure last week. the "me" side of me was in pain, almost gasping at the images of her in my mind. but the "friend" side of me was happy for her, excited at the sights that i could imagine. i want that for her, always promised that if we were together i'd arrange it for her, many times, frankly -I- want to see her in that situation as much as she does. it excites me, excites her. i grew hard, more and more excited, and came thinking of her as my partner in that situation. after that glow faded, i lay there stricken, unable to sleep, picturing her with bf in that same situation. how do i encourage her to continue exploring without killing myself?

when relating the experience to me she said something about it not being as fulfilling as she'd hoped, because the motivation for it came from a hurtful place, a desire for revenge on me for my actions. when she said 'not as fulfilling' it struck a chord with me because i'd been doing some thinking about my previous encounter, the one that hurt her so. while the sex was new and exciting and fun, afterwards... it was different. "empty" comes to mind. there was no ?afterglow?. it was like i'd picture i'd feel after leaving a hooker (never been to one, so i can only guess) - finish, zip up, leave. no connection. no warmth. empty. that really surprised me because all the things that B and i have talked about doing with other people always left me with warm feelings, feelings of connection and comfort and warmth. and then i realized why - because it wasn't just sex with unknown, faceless others. it was B and I having sex together... it just so happens that others were with us. so they'd disappear from the encounter, leaving B and I together. and that was where the warmth and connection and feelings came from. from her and i being together and doing something that we wanted to do together.

which leaves me in the position of, as her friend, having to encourage her to repeat her experience, but this time from a place of excitement and good feelings. and to get her to do more and more of the things she wants to do and experience - rough sex, swinging, gangs, all of it. i need to be okay with it, for her sake, so that i can encourage her to explore and experience and most of all, to enjoy. and eventually i hope that i can be okay with it too.

i think i need to put sex out of my life for awhile. it's a strange juxtaposition - she's just coming out of a sexless period and stretching her wings getting ready to really branch out and explore and enjoy. and while i did that for a bit, i think i need to withdraw for awhile. figure out who i am and what i want, what kind of live i am to have. part of that is going to be to figure out how i am going to live a life without the chance of her as my lover and partner.

i've always been the romantic (even though secretly for a long time)... but i never, ever pictured being so in love with someone. never pictured wanting someone so much. never imagined that true love might not find a way to be together.