now what?

now what?

i knew i was setting myself up for this to happen. i knew it.

she's the only person who really knows me. she knows the sex i seek, what i want. she's the only person i can talk to about it, the only person i want to talk to about it. truth of the matter is, she's the person i want but i can't have her.

so i've been having some activities that i've wanted to share with her, but couldn't. because i know that every time we talk about my sex life it bothers her. it pushes us a little more apart, causes her to become a little withdrawn. and i don't want that. it's -her- i want and i want to keep us close. yet i know that she may never see me and i can't live a life of no sex, nor would she want me to. but the pain i hear in her when i tell her something, especially when i know she's dealing with her own sex/relationship issues... it kills me.

so i haven't told her some details, even when specifically asked. withholding information or lying, it's the same to her. and i guess i have to agree. and i knew it'd come out, i knew that when she asked me directly that i'd tell her. only now it's worse because i lied to her. again.

that's the killer. "again". in my daily life, whenever anything happens, i think of telling her about it. even stupid stuff. because she's there, she's my friend, my connected one. she cares about me. me! the only things i ever don't tell her are sex things, things that i know will hurt her. because the thing i can't stand is to push her further and further away. there's enough physical distance between us without adding more emotional distance. and there's enough obstacles to our ever being together without adding more. but that's exactly what i've done, what i've done in the past by not telling her everything.

she hung up on me yesterday. i heard it coming. i knew she was going.

i wish i knew if she was coming back today.

i'm numb. i know there's a great emptiness inside. i know the pain is there, it's just dulled somehow. i feel like the terminal patient three weeks after getting the news but I'm still hoping for the cure.