cycle up, cycle down

up and down. good and bad. ecstatic and despondent.

overall, it's fine. there's a place in my heart for her, it'll always be there, always be hers, if she ever wants it.

i'm still kinda on a high from last friday, the way we ended the week. that was an exploration of an aspect of what our relationship would be like. not all of it and not all the time, but certainly that would be there, in part, underlying us, all the time.

and then the weekend. days away from her. plus worried about her and weather. and knowing how she's ...detached... when she comes back. i'm always worried on mondays. always. worried that she might not come back. worried that she'll have made her decision and that i lost. and g-d forgive me, worried that something wonderful will have happened between them, something that makes her see how much she really wants -him- and only him and that she'll come back and tell me goodbye, that he's proposed and she's accepted. that might just kill me. yet it could happen. at any time.

so we talked yesterday. she told me of a ?feeling? toward him that i guess is no surprise, but she's never said it in that way before - that she feels a loyalty toward him. it's her, it's no surprise that she would - it's the way she is; i'd expect no other. yet to have her say it is still ... difficult.

and she talked of the home project they're working on. he's skilled, he knows everything needed to tackle projects like that. so skilled. so knowledgeable. confident. capable. and again i stand, diminished, in his shadow. you can hear the pride and admiration in her voice when she talks about him. and how she ?enjoys? the way they work together.

i can't compete. i'm outclassed by far. he has the practical skills and the confidence to continue with many more projects outside of normal business that will ensure that they do well financially and that he can provide them with a very, very comfortable life and give her any and everything she wants.

i have a lot to offer her, i think. but these are not the same type of things. i offer, i think, matters of the heart. i offer friendship and emotional openness and intimacy and closeness and love and connection and understanding. things that, i think, most women would say they want, that they can't find. i don't offer these things to everyone - as evidenced by my failed marriage. but with her, i do. she brings these things out in me. with -her- i am capable of these things.

i believe, truly believe, that her inner life, and our relationship, would be the stuff that most women dream of when they talk about their ideal partner. i really do. it's not enough though. i don't provide the external things that complement that. i'm an incomplete package.

so i sit, alone. knowing that i have no chance of a life with her. she has 80% of the life she wants. i could only give her 80% too. so why would she ever change?

if only she'd give me a chance. if only we could meet, just spend a few hours together. give me one chance to win her heart.

just one.