false

it just feels hopeless. there's no future for me, other than an empty one, with out her.

why can't i have her?

i can't do this.

i'm not strong enough.

how am i supposed to just live without her?

it's the same cycle all the time... i try to be strong. think about what i can do to live a good life, how to keep occupied, what i want to do with my life, where i want to go.

all roads lead to B.

i know what i want to do with my life. i want to spend it with her, making her happy. doing whatever i can do to bring her pleasure and happiness and help her enjoy life. i just want to see her smile and laugh, see her eyes sparkle and light up with enjoyment, hear her laughter.

we would do things together, find pleasures together. and i would reap my own measure of fun from all we do. but my real reward would be to bring pleasure and happiness to her. my reward would be to see her enjoy life. (yes, i know she can enjoy life without me, and she will... but i want to see her enjoy it -with- me).

it sounds like i want to be a non-participant in life, but that's not true. i want to seek out new things and find interesting, exciting things to do. but i do it because i want her to enjoy. i want to bring joy to her. in a way, i've lived my life. and i could live more. but i've found the woman i want to love, the woman i do love. i want to give my life to her, devote myself to loving her like she's never been loved before, like she's never even dreamed she could be loved.

but that options' not open to me.

so what do i do with a life that i only want to give to her but she doesn't want?

i have a gift for her - my life, my love. it's only for her. she won't accept it. doesn't want it. it's special made for her - it won't fit anyone else. i can't return it. can't remake it.

i don't want it. but i'm stuck with this incomplete thing. it's a piece of a life, a piece of a person. incomplete. custom made for a particular person. but she doesn't need it. she has a life. and there's already someone filling the place where this partial life would go. and it suits her well enough that she doesn't want or need a change.

so like any custom item, it'll sit on the sale table. people will come along and try it to see if it fits. but it won't. some more, some less, but none ever like the one it's made for. and ultimately this life and this heart and this man will wind up dusty and discarded. left behind. forgotten.

useless.

inconsequential.

this sounds so "woe is me" but it's not. it's just sad, incredibly, infinitely sad that one heart could find it's perfect match, the perfect match, only to be not enough.