Monday, again

As usual, I let my need for her and my need to reconnect with her cast a shadow over our Monday.

But it's so hard to be waiting for her all weekend and when she's finally available, to act like we've not even been apart, like I haven't been forcefully separated from my love for days.

Even worse, I made stupid comments about punishing myself. Even -I- don't know what saying those things was supposed to accomplish, other than making me look (even) weak(er) and (more) pathetic. In my twisted logic, I think I wanted her to understand how tortured i feel, how hopeless and helpless i feel not being able to influence our relationship at all, at having ZERO ability to affect how or whether she wants me or wants to be with me. zero. so instead i show her a glimpse of me that even i found pathetic.

good job.

i'm sure she's more eager than ever to be with me now.

FUCK.