I thought I could do it

0940
She decided last minute on Friday to close her office today. Last night, instead of looking forward with great anticipation to this morning, to the ring of the phone, i tried not to think about how she wasn't gonna be in my day today, wasn't gonna be part of my life today.

I tried to keep busy all morning, tried to keep focused on work so maybe i wouldn't notice her absence.

yeah, right.

to make it doubly worse, i don't know if i was even in her thoughts this weekend, or if she'll think of me today. we didn't end too well on friday. when that happens, i wonder if she even takes me with her for the weekend or does she just purge me from her thoughts?

did he take off today? dunno. probably. if he did, then the chance that she'll call today is low. she didn't call last night, which i don't understand, because i wished for and hoped for it all day and night. if he is working today, there's a chance she'll call. will she make the effort to do so?

only three lifetimes to go till the end of the day.

fuck.

-----------------------------------------------------
1130
not even two hours.

i can't breathe.

why can't she find a way to call?

why won't she?

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1345
another two hours and an eternity.

the more i tell myself to not expect a call, the more i tell myself that if she hasn't found the need to call by now that the chances of her doing so get even less, the more frantic i am hoping/wishing/willing her to please call. please.

truthfully, it's not even to -call- per se. i'm hoping/wishing/willing her to -want- me enough that she has to call, to want to hear my voice so much that she finds a way to call.

another couple of hours and he'll be home, if he worked today, and then there'll be zero chance of a call. if she couldn't find a way on sunday, there's no way she could find a way tonight.

so in two more hours i have to reset the clock for another 17 hours.

geezus.

geezus.