fuck i did it again

fuck!!!!

what is fucking wrong with me?

i was very non-?clingy?.. very much avoided trying to pull her toward me... so instead, i pushed her away in a different way...

i asked how things were at home. "fine". and after saying that was good, "yup". "yup" tends to be her answer when she means "you don't really care" or "don't wanna talk about it" or "end of subject".

i know she's suspicious that i only want to know because i want to know "where she is" in relation to her and i. and yes, that's a part of it.. but only a part.. i really do want to know how things are. if they're better, it means she'll be less stressed, feel better, hopefully be happier. if they're better, i need to hear that - it'll help me know she's doing better there and which way she's ?heading?...

but geezus, when she says "yup"... especially after she's told me in the past that she doesn't really want to talk about home/relat w/bf... i feel like i'm just being blown off...

i felt optimistic and strong - i knew i'd be able to avoid pulling at her... then i get into this... fuck.. but it's natural to ask about her weekend.. we've been apart for almost 3 days... i want to know what she did, what fun she had, where they went.. all of it. is she telling me that i don't get to know about her life? is she shutting me out of that part of her?

only a few more steps ... then i'll be at the top... the top of the tall, spiral slide... step on, then slide... down, down, down. spiraling faster. ever down.

it'd be so easy to just let the forces behind me push me over that last step and send me on my way. and she'll see it as just another show of weakness from me. another fucked up by Me monday.

maybe not this time. i gotta try to hold out, be strong, be stronger. for her. for me. for this relationship.

be strong, self.

she's worth it.