it's been a while and there's much, so much to talk about - another day.
For today, there's only one thing that matters.
Today is the day she meets and fucks her new Master.
I failed her, and us, in so many ways.
So today, she consummates her new relationship with her new Master.
Tomorrow may be easier. but -today- is another story.
To all men who may read this:
Think carefully before you act. The consequences are more than you expect.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
the great paradox
how can you be both
- completely EMPTY, hollow
and
- filled to overflowing with pain, hurt and longing?
- completely EMPTY, hollow
and
- filled to overflowing with pain, hurt and longing?
Monday, April 23, 2007
another one gone
another weekend gone. wasted. never to be recovered.
she was able to call for a while on saturday. she thought she might be able to call on sunday if she didn't go to a thing with him.
but i knew that there was no way she wouldn't not go with him. weekends she's -home-, not away.
i waited until there was no chance anyway.
alone.
again. or still.
she was able to call for a while on saturday. she thought she might be able to call on sunday if she didn't go to a thing with him.
but i knew that there was no way she wouldn't not go with him. weekends she's -home-, not away.
i waited until there was no chance anyway.
alone.
again. or still.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
back again
it's been a while and a lot has happened. i wish i had more exciting things to report.
i went on a 8 day vacation with a long time friend to a beach, near where B is. we talked about it for sometime beforehand. she even sounded excited about my plan - to come to her area early one morning, meet for lunch and after work, i'd stay in the area, then do the same the next day, then i'd go back to my vacation, our lives forever changed.
she sounded enthused. but she wasn't sold.
i know i was bad last week, not myself when we talked, and we talked quite a bit. i couldn't get the hurt, the disappointment, the anger out of me. i was SO MAD at her for not wanting to meet. after so long, so long, so much we've been through, as much as we've gotten closer and stronger and back to ourselves after it's been so long.... and still she couldn't meet. couldn't even bring herself to talk about it once it got close.
now she thinks i'm done, that i'm moving on from her, which is so not the case. i tried to tell her today that i'm hooked; for life. she can have me just like this for as long as she wants me. i can't leave her and she knows it. and she knows she NEVER has to do anything else for me. doesn't have to meet me, fuck me or be with me and i'll still wait. until she changes her mind and wants to be with me, until i die, or until the desolation in my heart causes me to implode. but why can't she understand the rejection, the hurt, the pain of what it's like for her to not be able to even MEET me after almost 4 years?
she told me today that i -do- have influence on her, that maybe i help show her how to not be so rigid and inflexible. in three years i made her feel comfortable enough with me to tell me her name. how many years till she both wants to meet and trusts me enough to do it? and then to be together? i can't even guess how long that could be. half of the rest of my life? half of what could have been our time together. we've already lost three years that we can never get back. i feel the loss of every "wasted" minute; she doesn't see it as a loss; she says she doesn't see things as deadlines.
three weeks ago i wrote "... she seems within reach, it feels like maybe, just maybe, that which i've wanted and hoped for for so long just might be within the realm of possibility." two of those weeks were spent both of us (or was it just me?) building up to a week that we both knew would change everything. just three weeks.
i went on a 8 day vacation with a long time friend to a beach, near where B is. we talked about it for sometime beforehand. she even sounded excited about my plan - to come to her area early one morning, meet for lunch and after work, i'd stay in the area, then do the same the next day, then i'd go back to my vacation, our lives forever changed.
she sounded enthused. but she wasn't sold.
i know i was bad last week, not myself when we talked, and we talked quite a bit. i couldn't get the hurt, the disappointment, the anger out of me. i was SO MAD at her for not wanting to meet. after so long, so long, so much we've been through, as much as we've gotten closer and stronger and back to ourselves after it's been so long.... and still she couldn't meet. couldn't even bring herself to talk about it once it got close.
now she thinks i'm done, that i'm moving on from her, which is so not the case. i tried to tell her today that i'm hooked; for life. she can have me just like this for as long as she wants me. i can't leave her and she knows it. and she knows she NEVER has to do anything else for me. doesn't have to meet me, fuck me or be with me and i'll still wait. until she changes her mind and wants to be with me, until i die, or until the desolation in my heart causes me to implode. but why can't she understand the rejection, the hurt, the pain of what it's like for her to not be able to even MEET me after almost 4 years?
she told me today that i -do- have influence on her, that maybe i help show her how to not be so rigid and inflexible. in three years i made her feel comfortable enough with me to tell me her name. how many years till she both wants to meet and trusts me enough to do it? and then to be together? i can't even guess how long that could be. half of the rest of my life? half of what could have been our time together. we've already lost three years that we can never get back. i feel the loss of every "wasted" minute; she doesn't see it as a loss; she says she doesn't see things as deadlines.
three weeks ago i wrote "... she seems within reach, it feels like maybe, just maybe, that which i've wanted and hoped for for so long just might be within the realm of possibility." two of those weeks were spent both of us (or was it just me?) building up to a week that we both knew would change everything. just three weeks.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
and at the bottom starts the pit
got my shovel, time to dig. the hole's not deep enough.
an opportunity came up for her to go on an 8-day cruise with him. no big deal, right?
except it's 5+ months from now.
in her head, without a moments' hesitation, she still sees herself being with bf.
a few days ago it upset me that she couldn't definitely see us as having even -met- by our anniversary (late july). i guess if she can't even see herself meeting me in 4 months, then taking a cruise with her partner in 5 months shouldn't be that much of a surprise to me.
not me. -him-. not a new life with me, one she says she wants. her old life, with -him-. the one she says she doesn't want. and the way i "read" the year, that's it for 2007. because right after september starts the holiday season. halloween. then thanksgiving, a big family day and kinda the "special holiday" kickoff. then december holiday parties and xmas and new years. and she's said before she would NOT leave him at holiday time.
maybe next year. or the next.
i'd hoped, dared to dream that we'd be together by our anniversary. maybe i need to specify WHICH anniversary.
or just accept that not me, it's -him-.
an opportunity came up for her to go on an 8-day cruise with him. no big deal, right?
except it's 5+ months from now.
in her head, without a moments' hesitation, she still sees herself being with bf.
a few days ago it upset me that she couldn't definitely see us as having even -met- by our anniversary (late july). i guess if she can't even see herself meeting me in 4 months, then taking a cruise with her partner in 5 months shouldn't be that much of a surprise to me.
not me. -him-. not a new life with me, one she says she wants. her old life, with -him-. the one she says she doesn't want. and the way i "read" the year, that's it for 2007. because right after september starts the holiday season. halloween. then thanksgiving, a big family day and kinda the "special holiday" kickoff. then december holiday parties and xmas and new years. and she's said before she would NOT leave him at holiday time.
maybe next year. or the next.
i'd hoped, dared to dream that we'd be together by our anniversary. maybe i need to specify WHICH anniversary.
or just accept that not me, it's -him-.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
after the fall is the bottom
the high point has most definitely been over the last week or so, through saturday. when we hung up on saturday, 5ish, i could "see for miles and miles and miles and miles", the high i was on was so high.
that carried me through a sunday of waiting to talk to her again.
monday morning, eagerly awaiting her return.
i did not see the stiff arm crashing into my chest and pushing me toward the edge. i teetered there monday and tuesday, even thinking i'd regained my footing at one point.
have you ever planned something VERY SPECIAL with someone, something you both just KNEW was gonna be great, like a trip or event or something? i don't just mean something -cool- and -fun-, i mean new territory never explored, new sights never seen, new experiences never had before. planned, talked about, worked through the details, done the planning, felt the excitement as the day got closer and closer.... only to have them say "uh, no, can't do it"? not that the date is bad or they just realized they don't like heights or their spouse discovered your affair, but just have them say no because they just can't bring themselves to continue? no physical obstacles, no time conflicts, no EXTERNAL reasons at all why they can't go, just that they can't do it.
you're standing there, bags packed, a bright future in front of you, all ready to go. holding hands, you take the first step then realize they're not moving their feet. "c'mon, let's go!" you say.
"i can't."
at that moment, look around you.
welcome to hell.
that carried me through a sunday of waiting to talk to her again.
monday morning, eagerly awaiting her return.
i did not see the stiff arm crashing into my chest and pushing me toward the edge. i teetered there monday and tuesday, even thinking i'd regained my footing at one point.
have you ever planned something VERY SPECIAL with someone, something you both just KNEW was gonna be great, like a trip or event or something? i don't just mean something -cool- and -fun-, i mean new territory never explored, new sights never seen, new experiences never had before. planned, talked about, worked through the details, done the planning, felt the excitement as the day got closer and closer.... only to have them say "uh, no, can't do it"? not that the date is bad or they just realized they don't like heights or their spouse discovered your affair, but just have them say no because they just can't bring themselves to continue? no physical obstacles, no time conflicts, no EXTERNAL reasons at all why they can't go, just that they can't do it.
you're standing there, bags packed, a bright future in front of you, all ready to go. holding hands, you take the first step then realize they're not moving their feet. "c'mon, let's go!" you say.
"i can't."
at that moment, look around you.
welcome to hell.
Monday, March 26, 2007
on the one hand... and on the other
it's so good to FINALLY be able to feel that things between us are FINALLY ?solidifying?, maturing, (seemingly) moving toward a future that is hopefully much like the one i want. and this feeling wells up inside and grows and makes the world feel good and hopeful. and finally, finally, she seems within reach, it feels like maybe, just maybe, that which i've wanted and hoped for for so long just might be within the realm of possibility.
and on the other hand, the days drag by. i want to tell her "i'm good baby, i'm ready, i'm yours. say the word, please, and let us be together, starting now". but still the days drag by. still she goes home to him. and the bleak specter of more months without her, even the possibility of forever without her, lays heavy on me.
how can she feel what i feel, want what i want and yet not take any actions to get there?
and on the other hand, the days drag by. i want to tell her "i'm good baby, i'm ready, i'm yours. say the word, please, and let us be together, starting now". but still the days drag by. still she goes home to him. and the bleak specter of more months without her, even the possibility of forever without her, lays heavy on me.
how can she feel what i feel, want what i want and yet not take any actions to get there?
a lack of angst
i was surprised to see that it's been a week since i've posted anything.
a quick recap might be in order...
work is at it always is.
B and i have been .... wonderful. we've been close and communicative. it's a good feeling. and while i thought maybe i should put this out in flashing neon, she came clean with me, told me who she is. interestingly, what i'm feeling from that is not some great sense of "relief" (although there is some of that) but i think i feel more what's -not- there anymore. it's hard to define and it's still early but it feels as though we're less restricted somehow, as though something bad that we never wanted to talk about before has been removed and the ?strain? of that isn't sitting on us any more.
it's a good feeling.
not that i consider myself a writer, but maybe it's true that writers are motivated to write by the angst in their lives.
i'll gladly give up ANY modicum of writing ability in exchange for her.
a quick recap might be in order...
work is at it always is.
B and i have been .... wonderful. we've been close and communicative. it's a good feeling. and while i thought maybe i should put this out in flashing neon, she came clean with me, told me who she is. interestingly, what i'm feeling from that is not some great sense of "relief" (although there is some of that) but i think i feel more what's -not- there anymore. it's hard to define and it's still early but it feels as though we're less restricted somehow, as though something bad that we never wanted to talk about before has been removed and the ?strain? of that isn't sitting on us any more.
it's a good feeling.
not that i consider myself a writer, but maybe it's true that writers are motivated to write by the angst in their lives.
i'll gladly give up ANY modicum of writing ability in exchange for her.
Friday, March 16, 2007
quote
from her:
what do you do with that?
i have -no- input, -no- say, -no- influence. it's all up to her. and she can't convince herself that it's something she should do.
and i want/wish i could (would?) allow us to be in person
what do you do with that?
i have -no- input, -no- say, -no- influence. it's all up to her. and she can't convince herself that it's something she should do.
Friday, March 02, 2007
priceless
cell phones for easy talking: $100/mo.
email/im/skype accounts: $0
cards/stamps/gifts: $250/yr
having a deep, open, frank conversation with your best friend, talking about the way her partner will sometimes make a comment that completely ruins her mood, building consensus that yes, i do understand, and no, you're not wrong for feeling that way, and then doing the exact same fucking thing: Priceless
and hearing the disappointment in her voice: emotional bankruptcy.
email/im/skype accounts: $0
cards/stamps/gifts: $250/yr
having a deep, open, frank conversation with your best friend, talking about the way her partner will sometimes make a comment that completely ruins her mood, building consensus that yes, i do understand, and no, you're not wrong for feeling that way, and then doing the exact same fucking thing: Priceless
and hearing the disappointment in her voice: emotional bankruptcy.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
what's missing?
house. whispers. boat. iris. eleven years. investment properties. grandma. jetskis. tanner. new year's boat trip. sex. espn bar. stacie. exercise. shrimp jambalaya never eaten. hurricanes. canceled trip. timeshare. private room at the strip club birthday. san antonio. airlines. softball leagues. bdsm. her laughter. pussyballs & cobblestones. lunch and the car hood. drives to his home state. gangbangs. house on the water. bleeding toes. hockey games. tuesday nights. sheryl. the experts. love. ballyhoos. routine. bastard. bike rides. art festivals. money, money, money. D/s. wedding on the beach. "theresa". talking to dad on the dock. red lights run. tony. movies. benzo. broken toe. fantasy football leagues. hours spent talking. buyout offer. saturday mornings. reading. arizona. kayaking. stainless steel bbq. hot tub. lisa. desire. kissing girls. pup. sherri. amateur stripping. fear. letters written, read. tears. running.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
a bridge too far
the great war movie is not the point here, but the title is.
waaaaay too much stress at work with this project going wrong. er, on, i meant.
all it would have taken yesterday was one more fucking asshole to tell me something wasn't working like it should be. NO SHIT ASSHOLE! why do you think i've been here for 80+ hours over the last 7 days, dipshit?
just one more of them and there'd have been front page news, i'm positive.
if it hadn't been for her, i think i might have crawled under my bed and stayed there.
and in my typical "it's all about -me-" fashion, i was upset with her because she wouldn't comfort me in person. she does everything she can for me and then i'm upset coz it's not what i want from her. fuck me.
so let me stand up in front of g-d and everyone and say "Thank you B for being my friend".
ly
waaaaay too much stress at work with this project going wrong. er, on, i meant.
all it would have taken yesterday was one more fucking asshole to tell me something wasn't working like it should be. NO SHIT ASSHOLE! why do you think i've been here for 80+ hours over the last 7 days, dipshit?
just one more of them and there'd have been front page news, i'm positive.
if it hadn't been for her, i think i might have crawled under my bed and stayed there.
and in my typical "it's all about -me-" fashion, i was upset with her because she wouldn't comfort me in person. she does everything she can for me and then i'm upset coz it's not what i want from her. fuck me.
so let me stand up in front of g-d and everyone and say "Thank you B for being my friend".
ly
Monday, February 26, 2007
click - the journey and the reward
we got to talk on saturday. not on sunday though .
i liked our saturday, even though i was working and even though she had to leave for an hour+ in the middle of it. even though she left she came back.
i feel like adam sandler in Click, except more like an Adam Sandler that's already seen the movie.. so, he knows that even though he wants to speed through some parts of his life, he knows that those parts are critical to all that comes after.
just like now with B. i want nothing more than to fast forward to the part where we've worked everything out and we're finally if not "together" at least seeing each other and (hopefully) working toward being together.
and yet i know that those times cannot possibly happen without the times that are coming in between. my impatience is just from wanting that very same future for a long time.
so as much as i want that "destination" i know too that the journey is just as vital.
isn't there a "just a little faster" button?
i liked our saturday, even though i was working and even though she had to leave for an hour+ in the middle of it. even though she left she came back.
i feel like adam sandler in Click, except more like an Adam Sandler that's already seen the movie.. so, he knows that even though he wants to speed through some parts of his life, he knows that those parts are critical to all that comes after.
just like now with B. i want nothing more than to fast forward to the part where we've worked everything out and we're finally if not "together" at least seeing each other and (hopefully) working toward being together.
and yet i know that those times cannot possibly happen without the times that are coming in between. my impatience is just from wanting that very same future for a long time.
so as much as i want that "destination" i know too that the journey is just as vital.
isn't there a "just a little faster" button?
Friday, February 23, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
and this little piggy had none...
when i worked for the fed govt a long time ago, new rules came out about accepting gratuities. i think there was a limit of $5 per item. but more importantly a guideline, roughly translated from governmentspeak: if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. in other words, if you think something is wrong/funky/illegal/dishonest it probably is.
i knew it felt wrong to be giving so much time to my fuckbuddy. it not only felt wrong but i knew it -was- wrong to put things that belonged to mine and b's relationship and put them into my fb relationship. i knew b wouldn't be happy. and i knew i wouldn't be happy if she wasn't happy.
all of which begs the question: if i knew it was wrong, why did i continue?
good question. i'm sure there's many answers, most of them kinda right, some out and out self-delusions & lies and then there's the truth.
truth is, i was getting laid. b was not only not fucking me, but not even willing to meet. even on the date we set aside for our first meeting. and not a fuck-all-day meeting, but simply lunch and "hi".
i wonder how many relationships have been killed in exactly this same way? not the cheating part, because while i think of it as though i was cheating on b, in reality, there was no adultery going on. it was an emotional betrayal. how many relationships have been lost from "trying to have your cake and eat it too"?
clearly, when blood is diverted from the brain and used in other parts of the body, normal thought processes suffer.
here's why i really don't understand this: i KNEW that my relationship with b was the best i'd ever had and the best i'm ever likely to have. i cherished it. i've loved her without question and without doubt since the beginning, over three years ago. while i always had doubts that we'd wind up together, there were signs that gave me hope. more importantly, i knew, KNEW that the things i was doing with my fb were -guaranteed- to hurt b.
so what the fuck was i doing?
picture this: late in the afternoon, a flat landscape, the sun near the horizon. if you stand with your back to the sun, you can see all there is to see. you know the sun's there, it's warming you, giving you life. as you look away from the sun you can see all kinds of things. now picture turning around and facing the sun. now, it's BLINDING. all you can see is the sun, nothing else. it completely overwhelms you and surrounds you. you feel it's warmth, feel how it fills all there is to fill. i am that person. since i've been seeing my fb, i've been looking away from the sun. i felt it on me, around me. i knew it was there, knew that i needed it in my life. but oh, so many things to see. and all along the sun was calling me, saying "hey, i'm here, over here!". but i still felt the sun on my back, so i knew it was still there. and then suddenly, the warmth of the sun was gone. i turned around and even though the strength of the light had dimmed some, when i faced it, it was still overwhelming, still brought back my full understanding of the importance of the sun in my life. looking full on into that light, i wonder how i could EVER have forgotten it, ever have neglected it, ever thought that other things were more important.
and now, it's dusk and the sun is setting.
i yell at it, plead with it, cry to it, argue with it, but i cannot stop the setting of the sun. it wants to stay, wants to continue warming me like it has, but it can't. it doesn't have the energy anymore. it doesn't want to set, i don't think, but it just can't muster the strength to stay in the sky, especially when it still may not get what it needs.
how do you live without the sun? without the very thing that gives you life and energy and a reason? sure, fucking is good, but it's not love, is it?
so, guys, here's my advice. try to remember it. be warned though, when your dick gets hard you won't listen.
i knew it felt wrong to be giving so much time to my fuckbuddy. it not only felt wrong but i knew it -was- wrong to put things that belonged to mine and b's relationship and put them into my fb relationship. i knew b wouldn't be happy. and i knew i wouldn't be happy if she wasn't happy.
all of which begs the question: if i knew it was wrong, why did i continue?
good question. i'm sure there's many answers, most of them kinda right, some out and out self-delusions & lies and then there's the truth.
truth is, i was getting laid. b was not only not fucking me, but not even willing to meet. even on the date we set aside for our first meeting. and not a fuck-all-day meeting, but simply lunch and "hi".
i wonder how many relationships have been killed in exactly this same way? not the cheating part, because while i think of it as though i was cheating on b, in reality, there was no adultery going on. it was an emotional betrayal. how many relationships have been lost from "trying to have your cake and eat it too"?
clearly, when blood is diverted from the brain and used in other parts of the body, normal thought processes suffer.
here's why i really don't understand this: i KNEW that my relationship with b was the best i'd ever had and the best i'm ever likely to have. i cherished it. i've loved her without question and without doubt since the beginning, over three years ago. while i always had doubts that we'd wind up together, there were signs that gave me hope. more importantly, i knew, KNEW that the things i was doing with my fb were -guaranteed- to hurt b.
so what the fuck was i doing?
picture this: late in the afternoon, a flat landscape, the sun near the horizon. if you stand with your back to the sun, you can see all there is to see. you know the sun's there, it's warming you, giving you life. as you look away from the sun you can see all kinds of things. now picture turning around and facing the sun. now, it's BLINDING. all you can see is the sun, nothing else. it completely overwhelms you and surrounds you. you feel it's warmth, feel how it fills all there is to fill. i am that person. since i've been seeing my fb, i've been looking away from the sun. i felt it on me, around me. i knew it was there, knew that i needed it in my life. but oh, so many things to see. and all along the sun was calling me, saying "hey, i'm here, over here!". but i still felt the sun on my back, so i knew it was still there. and then suddenly, the warmth of the sun was gone. i turned around and even though the strength of the light had dimmed some, when i faced it, it was still overwhelming, still brought back my full understanding of the importance of the sun in my life. looking full on into that light, i wonder how i could EVER have forgotten it, ever have neglected it, ever thought that other things were more important.
and now, it's dusk and the sun is setting.
i yell at it, plead with it, cry to it, argue with it, but i cannot stop the setting of the sun. it wants to stay, wants to continue warming me like it has, but it can't. it doesn't have the energy anymore. it doesn't want to set, i don't think, but it just can't muster the strength to stay in the sky, especially when it still may not get what it needs.
how do you live without the sun? without the very thing that gives you life and energy and a reason? sure, fucking is good, but it's not love, is it?
so, guys, here's my advice. try to remember it. be warned though, when your dick gets hard you won't listen.
think about what you want. not what you want -now-, but what you want long term. i can promise you they are not the same.
most importantly - LISTEN TO HER. she is telling you what you need to know.
a day in the life
well, this will not be just another boring day in just another boring week.
today, b will tell me whether we're done or if we're going to be together. it's not actually those two choices, but whether we're done or whether we'll continue to try to work on a relationship.
it's been a very interesting week. let's see... my soulmate b, the woman i've been chasing for over three years, will tell me today whether or not she'll ever speak to me again after today. i broke up with a fuckbuddy to try to save my relationship with b. i was supposed to have been RIF'd last week but my boss resigned, so that took care of the budget crunch, for now. (but not only am i a contractor, once you're on the hit list, you don't get off). my boss leaving sucks big time because not only was he a great boss, but a VAST amount of corporate application knowledge vanishes with him, stuff that will come back to bite us later (i say us, even though i expect my time remaining here is short). oh, and now, the project we have to bring in another 400 people by MONDAY will likely become a fabulous circle jerk. for which i suspect i will carry a large share of blame (after all, i worked for the guy who left, and i'm a contractor).
so while it sucks that all these things come together in one week, what is the real impact? fuckbuddies come and go. bosses come and go, even good ones. projects fail, or fall behind or have problems, that's normal. jobs and contracts come and go.
but -love-? love doesn't happen very often. and deep, solid, make-your-eyes-water- with-the-rightness-of-it-all love .... that doesn't happen very many times in a lifetime, does it? once, maybe, if you're lucky? with b, i knew within the first few weeks of talking that she was the one for me. i knew it then and i know it now.
she says it's like one of those movies where two people are in love, they know it, they know that the other person is the RIGHT one for them, yet because too many things have happened, they can't bring themselves to say the words that will bring them back together. that it's just "too late", even though it's still right, even though they both still want it, even though they know it'd be all they hoped it would be.
i say that if two people love each other like we do (and yeah, i believe she still loves me, even under all the pain), then how could they NOT say the words needed to get them together? how could they NOT do -whatever- is necessary to make it happen? there can be no greater good served by sacrificing a love and a relationship that they both know is extraordinary in so many ways. i believe that with the partnership we'd have (have had, could have again) that -NOTHING- would be insurmountable. would it be easy to get past the hurts and pains that are in our past? no, of course not. is it doable? i absolutely believe so.
i believe it's worth it. how could it not be?
in about two hours i'll know if she thinks it's worth it.
today, b will tell me whether we're done or if we're going to be together. it's not actually those two choices, but whether we're done or whether we'll continue to try to work on a relationship.
it's been a very interesting week. let's see... my soulmate b, the woman i've been chasing for over three years, will tell me today whether or not she'll ever speak to me again after today. i broke up with a fuckbuddy to try to save my relationship with b. i was supposed to have been RIF'd last week but my boss resigned, so that took care of the budget crunch, for now. (but not only am i a contractor, once you're on the hit list, you don't get off). my boss leaving sucks big time because not only was he a great boss, but a VAST amount of corporate application knowledge vanishes with him, stuff that will come back to bite us later (i say us, even though i expect my time remaining here is short). oh, and now, the project we have to bring in another 400 people by MONDAY will likely become a fabulous circle jerk. for which i suspect i will carry a large share of blame (after all, i worked for the guy who left, and i'm a contractor).
so while it sucks that all these things come together in one week, what is the real impact? fuckbuddies come and go. bosses come and go, even good ones. projects fail, or fall behind or have problems, that's normal. jobs and contracts come and go.
but -love-? love doesn't happen very often. and deep, solid, make-your-eyes-water- with-the-rightness-of-it-all love .... that doesn't happen very many times in a lifetime, does it? once, maybe, if you're lucky? with b, i knew within the first few weeks of talking that she was the one for me. i knew it then and i know it now.
she says it's like one of those movies where two people are in love, they know it, they know that the other person is the RIGHT one for them, yet because too many things have happened, they can't bring themselves to say the words that will bring them back together. that it's just "too late", even though it's still right, even though they both still want it, even though they know it'd be all they hoped it would be.
i say that if two people love each other like we do (and yeah, i believe she still loves me, even under all the pain), then how could they NOT say the words needed to get them together? how could they NOT do -whatever- is necessary to make it happen? there can be no greater good served by sacrificing a love and a relationship that they both know is extraordinary in so many ways. i believe that with the partnership we'd have (have had, could have again) that -NOTHING- would be insurmountable. would it be easy to get past the hurts and pains that are in our past? no, of course not. is it doable? i absolutely believe so.
i believe it's worth it. how could it not be?
in about two hours i'll know if she thinks it's worth it.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Monday, Feb 19, 2007
she was supposed to be in to work today, but it's over an hour late. when first we talked about today, we said we'd have plenty of time to talk, since her day won't be very busy nor will mine (my company is closed today).
but that was before saturday. the saturday she said she was not going to do it anymore. she said she couldn't compete with my fb. in my mind there never was a competition, but she made it clear that i'd pulled away from our relationship.
now that's been fixed. i broke up with the fb yesterday, told her i couldn't see her anymore. it may very well be a case of too little too late, as far as b's concerned. and i suppose i wouldn't, couldn't blame her if she said goodbye and never turned back again.
i've been slow to understand her when she's told me i was taking things away from our relationship and giving them to my fb. i didn't believe her at the time, didn't see it. i'm seeing it now, but it's likely too little, too late.
in my email to b i told her that i'm not going to point out things to her to show how i'm not distracted anymore. she'll either see in my actions and my words that i'm fully with her again or she won't. if she does, we might be able become again what we've been, or even more. if she doesn't see change, then she'll go (if she hasn't already). period. it's that simple.
it feels like quitting smoking. as a former smoker i can say that you've never really kicked the habit until you die. at any day between now and waaaay in the future, she could be gone. today, tomorrow, next month. or this past saturday. but "success", that is, keeping and growing and living a life with her, that success can never be declared until i actually die and can look at her and look back -our- life and say "we did it".
but that was before saturday. the saturday she said she was not going to do it anymore. she said she couldn't compete with my fb. in my mind there never was a competition, but she made it clear that i'd pulled away from our relationship.
now that's been fixed. i broke up with the fb yesterday, told her i couldn't see her anymore. it may very well be a case of too little too late, as far as b's concerned. and i suppose i wouldn't, couldn't blame her if she said goodbye and never turned back again.
i've been slow to understand her when she's told me i was taking things away from our relationship and giving them to my fb. i didn't believe her at the time, didn't see it. i'm seeing it now, but it's likely too little, too late.
in my email to b i told her that i'm not going to point out things to her to show how i'm not distracted anymore. she'll either see in my actions and my words that i'm fully with her again or she won't. if she does, we might be able become again what we've been, or even more. if she doesn't see change, then she'll go (if she hasn't already). period. it's that simple.
it feels like quitting smoking. as a former smoker i can say that you've never really kicked the habit until you die. at any day between now and waaaay in the future, she could be gone. today, tomorrow, next month. or this past saturday. but "success", that is, keeping and growing and living a life with her, that success can never be declared until i actually die and can look at her and look back -our- life and say "we did it".
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
emotional timeline
Wed last, the day before my trip to b's city: excited, anticipatory, nervous.
Thurs: traveling. get near her around 2. excited, anxious, hopeful. when she chooses not to see me, fall a bit.
Fri: by her, then going to see my daughter. increasing bleakness as the minutes and hours pass and she says nothing about meeting. until finally she says no. then she says she'll drive by and we can see each other, so my mood soars. until i realize she didn't drive by. dive, dive, dive. we talk about maybe being in the same bar on saturday night. mood raises.
Sat: she calls in the morning, mood skyrockets. we talk about the possible bar sighting later. mood soars higher. driving back to her city at night, i'm slowly coming down, preparing myself for not seeing her. three tries, 2 places, no her. my mood plummets. someone shows, i think it's her. i'm giddy, excited. positive now that it is her, i'm positively high. she doesn't acknowledge my presence, mood plumets. i know now with 99.99% certainty who she is, mood betters. then i realize "so what?", that knowledge does absolutely nothing for me. still can't call her at work, she still won't confirm my guess, can't mail to her office, can't convince her to meet. mood? yeah, down the toilet.
Sun: travel. mood is very flat. she calls for a couple mins and raises my spirits.
Mon: work. blech. we're pretty good. talk of v-day, how we'll "spend" it, even though not together. a pretty good day. mood is good.
Tues: good morning, good mood. spent time putting together a V-day package for her. nothing big, it's kind of our thing, some chatchkas, things to laugh at. this always makes me happy, to be doing something that i know will make her happy. by afternoon, a black hole. we couldn't have been further apart. complete and total fucked-up-ed-ness was achieved somewhere around 9. by 2 i was fully medicated.
Wed: woke a little late, realized what the state of my life was and went back to sleep. forecast of bleakness with intermittant blackness and hopelessness. hearing of her two dozen red roses added just the right touch of complete helplessness; -he- can do it but -you- (meaning me) can't.
in one week, how can you go from a state of ecstasy where EVERYTHING is right and good and the future is soooo bright and optimistic to the deepest, darkest place you can imagine where there is no future. i guess that's kind of a description of the emotional states of mania, no? or bipolar disorder, kind of? except that that's usually a pendulum back and forth.
this would be more like a long, steep sliding board positioned at the edge of the abyss....
falling, falling, falling
Thurs: traveling. get near her around 2. excited, anxious, hopeful. when she chooses not to see me, fall a bit.
Fri: by her, then going to see my daughter. increasing bleakness as the minutes and hours pass and she says nothing about meeting. until finally she says no. then she says she'll drive by and we can see each other, so my mood soars. until i realize she didn't drive by. dive, dive, dive. we talk about maybe being in the same bar on saturday night. mood raises.
Sat: she calls in the morning, mood skyrockets. we talk about the possible bar sighting later. mood soars higher. driving back to her city at night, i'm slowly coming down, preparing myself for not seeing her. three tries, 2 places, no her. my mood plummets. someone shows, i think it's her. i'm giddy, excited. positive now that it is her, i'm positively high. she doesn't acknowledge my presence, mood plumets. i know now with 99.99% certainty who she is, mood betters. then i realize "so what?", that knowledge does absolutely nothing for me. still can't call her at work, she still won't confirm my guess, can't mail to her office, can't convince her to meet. mood? yeah, down the toilet.
Sun: travel. mood is very flat. she calls for a couple mins and raises my spirits.
Mon: work. blech. we're pretty good. talk of v-day, how we'll "spend" it, even though not together. a pretty good day. mood is good.
Tues: good morning, good mood. spent time putting together a V-day package for her. nothing big, it's kind of our thing, some chatchkas, things to laugh at. this always makes me happy, to be doing something that i know will make her happy. by afternoon, a black hole. we couldn't have been further apart. complete and total fucked-up-ed-ness was achieved somewhere around 9. by 2 i was fully medicated.
Wed: woke a little late, realized what the state of my life was and went back to sleep. forecast of bleakness with intermittant blackness and hopelessness. hearing of her two dozen red roses added just the right touch of complete helplessness; -he- can do it but -you- (meaning me) can't.
in one week, how can you go from a state of ecstasy where EVERYTHING is right and good and the future is soooo bright and optimistic to the deepest, darkest place you can imagine where there is no future. i guess that's kind of a description of the emotional states of mania, no? or bipolar disorder, kind of? except that that's usually a pendulum back and forth.
this would be more like a long, steep sliding board positioned at the edge of the abyss....
falling, falling, falling
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
curses! failed again
just to make sure that she completely thinks i'm not available to her when she needs me, the cosmos staged another incident last night.
apparently she called me about 915 my time from a store, sounding very worried because she couldn't reach him (bf) and she was having trouble breathing.
naturally, i didn't hear the phone ring. i did hear the voicemail beep though.
she sounded worried, upset.
and as she hung up on the message, i could hear the unspoken disappoint in me. yet again. because here she needed me, she called .... and i wasn't there.
apparently she called me about 915 my time from a store, sounding very worried because she couldn't reach him (bf) and she was having trouble breathing.
naturally, i didn't hear the phone ring. i did hear the voicemail beep though.
she sounded worried, upset.
and as she hung up on the message, i could hear the unspoken disappoint in me. yet again. because here she needed me, she called .... and i wasn't there.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
the cut
"you're not the man i thought you were".
myers-briggs? personality types? who needs 'em?
when everything you are can be summed up in one short sentence uttered by the person you care about most, it feels pretty complete, pretty comprehensive.
in the thirty hours since i heard (read) that i've been wondering about it.
i think the most ?favorable? (to me) interpretation is that she thought i was a better man than i've proven to be. so, the statement conveys a huge amount of disappointment, at the very least.
except she called me back later and said that wasn't exactly what she meant to say.
so she might mean that on second thought, i am the man she thought i was. so maybe she's decided i'm not so bad after all. but if that were the case, she'd have wanted to talk, like we always do, no? but she didn't. graciously endured the interruption and when i fumbled around enough and it was obvious she had nothing to say, i said "sorry for the interruption". to which she replied "it's okay". i didn't think anything would hit me like "you're not the man i thought you were" did, but her indifference does.
or, she might mean that i really am the man she thought. just that she never thought that much to begin with.
either way, doesn't matter much, does it? i mean really... whether i failed to live up to high expectations or i only managed to live up to mediocre expectations, neither is exactly a ringing endorsement, is it?
myers-briggs? personality types? who needs 'em?
when everything you are can be summed up in one short sentence uttered by the person you care about most, it feels pretty complete, pretty comprehensive.
in the thirty hours since i heard (read) that i've been wondering about it.
i think the most ?favorable? (to me) interpretation is that she thought i was a better man than i've proven to be. so, the statement conveys a huge amount of disappointment, at the very least.
except she called me back later and said that wasn't exactly what she meant to say.
so she might mean that on second thought, i am the man she thought i was. so maybe she's decided i'm not so bad after all. but if that were the case, she'd have wanted to talk, like we always do, no? but she didn't. graciously endured the interruption and when i fumbled around enough and it was obvious she had nothing to say, i said "sorry for the interruption". to which she replied "it's okay". i didn't think anything would hit me like "you're not the man i thought you were" did, but her indifference does.
or, she might mean that i really am the man she thought. just that she never thought that much to begin with.
either way, doesn't matter much, does it? i mean really... whether i failed to live up to high expectations or i only managed to live up to mediocre expectations, neither is exactly a ringing endorsement, is it?
does tv reflect life?
have ya watched "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip"? it's something rather unusual these days - good television. i predict it won't last because of its smart, intellectual writing.
there's two relationships happening on the show. the first is matthew perry (Chandler from Friends... will he -ever- be anything other than Chandler Bing?) as "matt" and sarah paulson as "harriet". the second is bradley whitford (Josh Lyman from West Wing) and amanda peet as jordan.
a haunting exchange from last nights show between matt and harriet:
perry: i think you can't walk away so you're burning down the house.
harriet: yeah.
perry: all the times i said i love you, all those times, did you think i was lying?
harriet: yeah.
perry: well, that's disappointing.
the other relationship with danny and jordan is simmering but not getting off the ground. he is completely and utterly smitten with jordan (sound familiar?). she has about 6,341 different reasons why he and she shouldn't get together. she fights him constantly. finally she leaves the scene and shortly after he finds a note she wrote him that says "i'm absolutely nuts about you too!" (or close enough). he runs to find her. she's waiting. they talk. they kiss. and finally, two people who belong together will have their turn. isn't fiction great?
there's two relationships happening on the show. the first is matthew perry (Chandler from Friends... will he -ever- be anything other than Chandler Bing?) as "matt" and sarah paulson as "harriet". the second is bradley whitford (Josh Lyman from West Wing) and amanda peet as jordan.
a haunting exchange from last nights show between matt and harriet:
perry: i think you can't walk away so you're burning down the house.
harriet: yeah.
perry: all the times i said i love you, all those times, did you think i was lying?
harriet: yeah.
perry: well, that's disappointing.
the other relationship with danny and jordan is simmering but not getting off the ground. he is completely and utterly smitten with jordan (sound familiar?). she has about 6,341 different reasons why he and she shouldn't get together. she fights him constantly. finally she leaves the scene and shortly after he finds a note she wrote him that says "i'm absolutely nuts about you too!" (or close enough). he runs to find her. she's waiting. they talk. they kiss. and finally, two people who belong together will have their turn. isn't fiction great?
Monday, February 05, 2007
My own worst enemy?
so it would seem..
when i talk, i say things that she thinks mean i'm no longer interested in her.
when i write, i write things that make her think i'm no longer interested in her.
she tells me that when i hold on tightly, it makes her pull away, so i should hold on loosely.
if i would keep my mouth shut and not say anything then maybe i won't push her away.
if i -try- to "have" her or "win" her it'll push her further away.
if i try to see her or find her, since it wouldn't be her idea she'd have no choice but to pull far away.
if i try to convince her to leave or to be with me, or if i try to point things out, reason with her, show her the logical actions that make sense to me, it'll push her away.
so caring for her, loving her, wanting her, talking to her, trying to show her that there's another path in life - all those things are counterproductive and will only increase her distance.
when she's pushed me from her life i should be downright irresistable.
when i talk, i say things that she thinks mean i'm no longer interested in her.
when i write, i write things that make her think i'm no longer interested in her.
she tells me that when i hold on tightly, it makes her pull away, so i should hold on loosely.
if i would keep my mouth shut and not say anything then maybe i won't push her away.
if i -try- to "have" her or "win" her it'll push her further away.
if i try to see her or find her, since it wouldn't be her idea she'd have no choice but to pull far away.
if i try to convince her to leave or to be with me, or if i try to point things out, reason with her, show her the logical actions that make sense to me, it'll push her away.
so caring for her, loving her, wanting her, talking to her, trying to show her that there's another path in life - all those things are counterproductive and will only increase her distance.
when she's pushed me from her life i should be downright irresistable.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
168 hours
168 hours, give or take an hour or two.
and such an incredible difference in the ?importance? we'll each place on that one, two, three hours.
it'll be both ends of the spectrum of experience.
it's a simple yes/no question, really. do you want to have lunch and meet?
if she says no, she'll go home to him, have dinner, watch tv, go to bed.
and for me? i'll go to my hotel, eat, drink, watch tv, go to bed. and then? there is nothing after "no".
one way, everything i want.
the other, nothing.
and such an incredible difference in the ?importance? we'll each place on that one, two, three hours.
it'll be both ends of the spectrum of experience.
it's a simple yes/no question, really. do you want to have lunch and meet?
if she says no, she'll go home to him, have dinner, watch tv, go to bed.
and for me? i'll go to my hotel, eat, drink, watch tv, go to bed. and then? there is nothing after "no".
one way, everything i want.
the other, nothing.
Monday, January 29, 2007
The 2007 Dumbass of the Year Award
now as you know, we typically like to wait till late in the year before we announce the winner of this prestigious award. we like to wait primarily because there are so MANY dumbasses out there that it just seems silly to pick a winner so early in the year, with so many stellar dumbass moments yet to come.
now you know that we don't like to play favorites, but i have to tell you, this years' winner is someone who's won many of these awards before for his simply fucking stellar interpersonal skills.
he's well known for assuming that everyone else's world view takes -him- and his feelings into account. he's made a name for himself with his consistently self-centered and closed minded actions. but perhaps the one area where he's really made a name for himself is in the arena of relationships. while vigorously proclaiming his innocence of any intentional slights, insults or just plain stupid remarks, he's produced an astounding record of missteps, bad assumptions and misunderstandings. he's consistently brought heartache, dissppointment, sadness and confusion to the person he's time and again said is most important to him.
so, without further adieu,
now you know that we don't like to play favorites, but i have to tell you, this years' winner is someone who's won many of these awards before for his simply fucking stellar interpersonal skills.
he's well known for assuming that everyone else's world view takes -him- and his feelings into account. he's made a name for himself with his consistently self-centered and closed minded actions. but perhaps the one area where he's really made a name for himself is in the arena of relationships. while vigorously proclaiming his innocence of any intentional slights, insults or just plain stupid remarks, he's produced an astounding record of missteps, bad assumptions and misunderstandings. he's consistently brought heartache, dissppointment, sadness and confusion to the person he's time and again said is most important to him.
so, without further adieu,
Friday, January 26, 2007
a fundamental truth
the truth of the matter is that we're good together.
and, imho, we belong together.
i love her.
what else matters?
and, imho, we belong together.
i love her.
what else matters?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
he tried but he couldn't do it
i try to put my shit aside when we talk. i don't do so well. we talk about it. i -understand- what she says, i really do. but when the words come out, they're all twisted again, all me-centric again. i try to make them be different; they sound different in my head but once spoken, they all sound the same.
i tried to win her heart. i actually may have but i lost it again somewhere along the line. or he won it back. or she didn't want me to have it and took it back. anyone who knows me knows that for that time, i was happy. i knew my future and i liked it. for the first time in a long time, i looked forward to the future.
i tried to be to her the same friend as she is to me. for the most part and for a long time i think i did okay. i think in the past she may have ?overlooked? a reaction/response from me that was not the friend-response she expected because the ?overflow? from all the other facets of our relationship ?made up for? it. but now i think she's starting to see/accept/realize that i'm not the guy she thought/hoped i was. and without the overflow, there's no compensating factors, so it's just not worth the pain and trouble.
i've tried to understand why she can't leave. or should i say, why she can't be with me. sometimes i've thought i got it, but ultimately i guess i don't. i can understand on a conceptual, higher level... but in my head and in my heart, i can't. she loved me, she liked me, she wanted to be with me, but she couldn't bring herself to be with me, to leave him and the life they've built. i have a hard time understanding why, with no "hard" ties like a marriage or children or a huge network of assets, she felt it impossible to leave that life. time after time she told me it wasn't the money or the future-$$$ and it wasn't some hitherto unknown deep love for him. and yet, when she was able to voice a reason, it was all -her- reasons, internal to -her-. "memories". "the only adult relationship i've known". "i've been with him my entire adult life". "i'd never leave one relationship for another". i'm sure that my age and the likelihood of me dying while she's still young were secondary factors. and i suspect that she may have realized that even though i would start a family with her that it might not be in her or the baby's best interest to have an already 20 years older dad.
i've done what i could and it wasn't enough. it's bad enough to know that if competing on my own merits i wouldn't be good enough to win her. but that's not even the case. i'm losing the most important "battle" of my life for reasons i have absolutely no control over.... i'm too old, he's her age, they have 10 years history and we only have 4, she's already there and there's no compelling reason for her to leave.
it's the promise of america isn't it? "go forth young person - you can do and be ANYTHING you want".
oh, except be with her.
now i can try to act like a future without her is okay with me.
i tried to win her heart. i actually may have but i lost it again somewhere along the line. or he won it back. or she didn't want me to have it and took it back. anyone who knows me knows that for that time, i was happy. i knew my future and i liked it. for the first time in a long time, i looked forward to the future.
i tried to be to her the same friend as she is to me. for the most part and for a long time i think i did okay. i think in the past she may have ?overlooked? a reaction/response from me that was not the friend-response she expected because the ?overflow? from all the other facets of our relationship ?made up for? it. but now i think she's starting to see/accept/realize that i'm not the guy she thought/hoped i was. and without the overflow, there's no compensating factors, so it's just not worth the pain and trouble.
i've tried to understand why she can't leave. or should i say, why she can't be with me. sometimes i've thought i got it, but ultimately i guess i don't. i can understand on a conceptual, higher level... but in my head and in my heart, i can't. she loved me, she liked me, she wanted to be with me, but she couldn't bring herself to be with me, to leave him and the life they've built. i have a hard time understanding why, with no "hard" ties like a marriage or children or a huge network of assets, she felt it impossible to leave that life. time after time she told me it wasn't the money or the future-$$$ and it wasn't some hitherto unknown deep love for him. and yet, when she was able to voice a reason, it was all -her- reasons, internal to -her-. "memories". "the only adult relationship i've known". "i've been with him my entire adult life". "i'd never leave one relationship for another". i'm sure that my age and the likelihood of me dying while she's still young were secondary factors. and i suspect that she may have realized that even though i would start a family with her that it might not be in her or the baby's best interest to have an already 20 years older dad.
i've done what i could and it wasn't enough. it's bad enough to know that if competing on my own merits i wouldn't be good enough to win her. but that's not even the case. i'm losing the most important "battle" of my life for reasons i have absolutely no control over.... i'm too old, he's her age, they have 10 years history and we only have 4, she's already there and there's no compelling reason for her to leave.
it's the promise of america isn't it? "go forth young person - you can do and be ANYTHING you want".
oh, except be with her.
now i can try to act like a future without her is okay with me.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
huh
i didn't think that when the time came, that i'd be stoic and strong. i think that's just what it looks like from the outside. from this side, it's anything but. painful, overwhelming, unfathomable, inconceivable, unimaginable come to mind.
there was so much to gain.
so much lost.
i'll bet when the numb wears off it's gonna really suck.
and the crowning glory is that when she looks back on this, the thought that will always be with her is that i couldn't get past "me" enough to even try to help her.
there was so much to gain.
so much lost.
i'll bet when the numb wears off it's gonna really suck.
and the crowning glory is that when she looks back on this, the thought that will always be with her is that i couldn't get past "me" enough to even try to help her.
parallel worlds?
huh. this world looks just like the one i was in before. everything looks the same - the trees, the sky, the buildings, the people.
but it's not really the same, is it? in this world, my heart finds, but can never be with, its true mate.
in the world i used to be in, meeting her was a possibility; then, i met her and we were together from that moment on.
oh, wait. that wasn't quite right. in that world, i could have met her and we could have been together. but that was before she learned my true colors, what i'm really like. before she learned that, push come to shove, i can't be depended on.
but i'm consistent. doesn't that count for something?
but it's not really the same, is it? in this world, my heart finds, but can never be with, its true mate.
in the world i used to be in, meeting her was a possibility; then, i met her and we were together from that moment on.
oh, wait. that wasn't quite right. in that world, i could have met her and we could have been together. but that was before she learned my true colors, what i'm really like. before she learned that, push come to shove, i can't be depended on.
but i'm consistent. doesn't that count for something?
Monday, January 22, 2007
...two...one... zero.
a moment is little more than a figurative "line in the sand". we and all our past and our history, stand on this side of the line. the divide between now and the future is the line in the sand. everything we've ever known is on this side of the line.
and every second of every day we put our foot out to cross the line. but we can't cross it. instead, the line gets moved an instant into the future. and in that instant we get the knowledge of all we didn't know the instant before.
time is kinda like riding backwards in a car. things are happening all the time, but we just don't always get to know about them until we see them zipping past us.
but time is equal opportunity in this regard; it hides both things we long for and things we fear. interestingly, the line in the sand is not the same for all of us.
for example: if someone makes a decision that affects your life but doesn't tell you about it. from their point of reference, they cross the line at the moment of their decision and from then on, that decision is part of history. but for the people who haven't yet learned about that decision, it doesn't yet exist. they may suspect it's coming but for them it doesn't yet exist. we may fear the decision and it's arrival or we may be anxiously awaiting it.
it occurs to me now that it's these moments that we eagerly await or dread the arrival of.
why are the dreaded ones so much more plentiful?
waiting all morning for that eagerly anticipated moment when she comes back, says she's sorry for being distant, tells me all i want to hear. i suspected that either that moment or it's evil twin, the one where nothing's changed from last week, where after a week of being far apart she's comfortable now with the distance and sees more and more of it in the future, would be arriving today.
but i was thinking positively. i was not setting myself up for failure. instead, i was eagerly awaiting that good moment.
i kept watching and looking, waiting for it. i never saw it. but the evil twin was there. i looked, blinked, blinked again. try as i might to force my eyes to see the good moment, as i could see was the one that passed in its place.
and every second of every day we put our foot out to cross the line. but we can't cross it. instead, the line gets moved an instant into the future. and in that instant we get the knowledge of all we didn't know the instant before.
time is kinda like riding backwards in a car. things are happening all the time, but we just don't always get to know about them until we see them zipping past us.
but time is equal opportunity in this regard; it hides both things we long for and things we fear. interestingly, the line in the sand is not the same for all of us.
for example: if someone makes a decision that affects your life but doesn't tell you about it. from their point of reference, they cross the line at the moment of their decision and from then on, that decision is part of history. but for the people who haven't yet learned about that decision, it doesn't yet exist. they may suspect it's coming but for them it doesn't yet exist. we may fear the decision and it's arrival or we may be anxiously awaiting it.
it occurs to me now that it's these moments that we eagerly await or dread the arrival of.
why are the dreaded ones so much more plentiful?
waiting all morning for that eagerly anticipated moment when she comes back, says she's sorry for being distant, tells me all i want to hear. i suspected that either that moment or it's evil twin, the one where nothing's changed from last week, where after a week of being far apart she's comfortable now with the distance and sees more and more of it in the future, would be arriving today.
but i was thinking positively. i was not setting myself up for failure. instead, i was eagerly awaiting that good moment.
i kept watching and looking, waiting for it. i never saw it. but the evil twin was there. i looked, blinked, blinked again. try as i might to force my eyes to see the good moment, as i could see was the one that passed in its place.
counting down
soon, very soon, i'll know. she already does, now it's be up to me to get up to speed.
after a full week of being detached and apart today should tell where she is. has she settled in now, adapted already to being apart, to not having any hope? has she convinced herself that she doesn't have the strength to leave?
has she already grown accustomed to the separation that's been put between us?
after a full week of being detached and apart today should tell where she is. has she settled in now, adapted already to being apart, to not having any hope? has she convinced herself that she doesn't have the strength to leave?
has she already grown accustomed to the separation that's been put between us?
Thursday, January 18, 2007
dashed hopes
you know how sometimes you ponder a problem? ponder, ponder, ponder. and just can't figure it out, can't get a handle on how to deal with it. and then, it's clear.
and i knew that i knew the right thing to do. not surprisingly, it is to act just as she said she'd wished i'd have responded the first time - to leave me and "us" out of the equation and talk to a friend that was working through something.
no problem. starting today, i make every effort to keep the conversation and the "context" about her, strictly friend to friend, nothing related to anything beyond that at all.
and damn, it felt good. all night and all morning while waiting for her to come in, i was positive, upbeat, ready to move ahead and be there for her, be available for her, if she wanted someone to talk to. so, especially after a nice conversation last night, i was ready, READY to be there for her.
such a nice idea.
she was kinda in a hurry to get off the phone, but there were people floating around there, popping in, asking questions, etc. my first hint was when i said something about knowing someone who could write (to help with some updating she has to do). her response: "you have your own life". i've spent 4 years focused on her but now she thinks me doing something for her is not a good idea coz i have my own life? wtf is that? translation: no thanks.
so what do i do now? my choices are very limited. i can keep trying to get to her, get her to open up and talk to me. this'll either push her further away or pull her closer. it's four days already so "pulling" doesn't seem likely. i can give her silence and space (since my presence seems to be an aggravating factor). this too will likely push her further away because she'll think i don't care. i can try to explain, persuade, cajole or convince her to reopen to our friendship. those have never had any effect in the past though, as she is not one to be swayed by anyone else.
"partners" has always been my most desired and the least likely outcome. "lovers" was always a possible outcome. "friends" is the basis of everything else that we might have or ever have. knowing that partners wasn't likely didn't sit well, but i always knew that at some point even the chance of it would be lost. lovers was where i really thought we'd wind up. friends was where i always thought we'd always be; there was never a doubt in my mind that we'd stay lifelong friends.
so in the last two weeks, two of the three seem to have been, well, the future doesn't look so bright.
and now the third may be in jeopardy as well. it's been a banner month.
and i knew that i knew the right thing to do. not surprisingly, it is to act just as she said she'd wished i'd have responded the first time - to leave me and "us" out of the equation and talk to a friend that was working through something.
no problem. starting today, i make every effort to keep the conversation and the "context" about her, strictly friend to friend, nothing related to anything beyond that at all.
and damn, it felt good. all night and all morning while waiting for her to come in, i was positive, upbeat, ready to move ahead and be there for her, be available for her, if she wanted someone to talk to. so, especially after a nice conversation last night, i was ready, READY to be there for her.
such a nice idea.
she was kinda in a hurry to get off the phone, but there were people floating around there, popping in, asking questions, etc. my first hint was when i said something about knowing someone who could write (to help with some updating she has to do). her response: "you have your own life". i've spent 4 years focused on her but now she thinks me doing something for her is not a good idea coz i have my own life? wtf is that? translation: no thanks.
so what do i do now? my choices are very limited. i can keep trying to get to her, get her to open up and talk to me. this'll either push her further away or pull her closer. it's four days already so "pulling" doesn't seem likely. i can give her silence and space (since my presence seems to be an aggravating factor). this too will likely push her further away because she'll think i don't care. i can try to explain, persuade, cajole or convince her to reopen to our friendship. those have never had any effect in the past though, as she is not one to be swayed by anyone else.
"partners" has always been my most desired and the least likely outcome. "lovers" was always a possible outcome. "friends" is the basis of everything else that we might have or ever have. knowing that partners wasn't likely didn't sit well, but i always knew that at some point even the chance of it would be lost. lovers was where i really thought we'd wind up. friends was where i always thought we'd always be; there was never a doubt in my mind that we'd stay lifelong friends.
so in the last two weeks, two of the three seem to have been, well, the future doesn't look so bright.
and now the third may be in jeopardy as well. it's been a banner month.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
not good
when the phone rang early and i saw it was her, i rejoiced. her calling early must be a good thing, right?
a pleasant conversation. some laughs. on the surface it would appear that things have moved back toward normal (well, the normal that -i- want).
but it's the little things that give it away.
she can't talk now coz she's doing an order.
she doesn't want to talk at lunch, preferring to "go it alone today". (second day in a row. a first in our history.)
it's hard to explain - there's just a ?feel? to it.
she's dealing with something that she can't or won't tell me about. it's a significant issue in that it's forcing her to feel "hopeless" about finding herself; it's making her think that we don't belong together; it's driving a huge wedge between us.
and she won't talk about it. won't let me talk about it. won't let me influence her in any way.
and the fear standing on my shoulder and whispering in my ear keeps telling me what i already fear:
- the longer this goes on, the longer she keeps it locked up inside, the less likely it is that she'll ever talk about it.
- the longer we're like this, the more it'll start to feel "normal" to her.
- the longer we're like this, the odds of our future shrink. more and more everyday.
and there's nothing i can do. nothing.
and the real killer? (and this is the thing that will haunt me the rest of my life) i don't think -she- wants things this way. i really believe that in her heart, she wants the same thing i want. but she'll give up the future she wants and destroy the future i want, simply because she -thinks- it'd be better if i was with someone else.
a pleasant conversation. some laughs. on the surface it would appear that things have moved back toward normal (well, the normal that -i- want).
but it's the little things that give it away.
she can't talk now coz she's doing an order.
she doesn't want to talk at lunch, preferring to "go it alone today". (second day in a row. a first in our history.)
it's hard to explain - there's just a ?feel? to it.
she's dealing with something that she can't or won't tell me about. it's a significant issue in that it's forcing her to feel "hopeless" about finding herself; it's making her think that we don't belong together; it's driving a huge wedge between us.
and she won't talk about it. won't let me talk about it. won't let me influence her in any way.
and the fear standing on my shoulder and whispering in my ear keeps telling me what i already fear:
- the longer this goes on, the longer she keeps it locked up inside, the less likely it is that she'll ever talk about it.
- the longer we're like this, the more it'll start to feel "normal" to her.
- the longer we're like this, the odds of our future shrink. more and more everyday.
and there's nothing i can do. nothing.
and the real killer? (and this is the thing that will haunt me the rest of my life) i don't think -she- wants things this way. i really believe that in her heart, she wants the same thing i want. but she'll give up the future she wants and destroy the future i want, simply because she -thinks- it'd be better if i was with someone else.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
and today....
i don't know. she's still pulled back from whatever the original reason was, plus now even more so because of me.
all i can think is that it ties back to "best intentions". the problem with that is that my best intentions usually strike her as selfish or self-centered or just plain me -actively- doing the wrong thing. strange, because that is certainly not how they start out. i try, i really do, to be "her" focused and not "me" focused. to my pov, i am that way, all (okay, almost all) the time. but to her, all she can see is that i'm only ever concerned about what the impact (of whatever) will be on -us- and thereby, -me-.
it's true that i can and do wind up there, mentally. but, unlike what she says, it's not my knee-jerk reaction to get there, it's not the mindset i immediately go to when there's "something" between us. the problem is, she doesn't see all the mental process that goes between. when something's bothering her, like -something- has been bothering her since the weekend, she often won't tell me about it, or exactly what it is. sometimes she'll talk about it later, but sometimes not. when i'm in that position, that is, when the person i most care about and am literally -waiting- for to come back from the weekend comes back and doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to talk to me, and won't say anything about what -it- is, then what i do is to start analyzing whatever information i have as best i can.
but when i have almost -no- information and no information about what it even relates to, it's a hard task. i can only surmise what's bothering her. and the things i think of are focused on -her-, naturally. what could be bothering her? did something happen? did they fight? did she decide to accept his proposal? did she decide to leave?
so because i have no information about the real issue, i can only extrapolate, make some (hopefully) educated guesses based on what little information she does give me. and in the absence of any concrete information, i make assumptions and follow a train of thought... and usually wind up in the same place - thinking she's done, or thinking about being done (with me).
and because that is a reasonable fear and the most concrete thing i can come up with at the time, i ask questions and/or say things with that slant to it. today, it was "are you done?". just asking that was enough to make her positive that i only care about how things affect me. that if something's bothering her, that the ONLY reason i care is because i want to know how it affects -me-.
how could she think i love her and also think that? how could she have ANY doubt, after all this time? how can she doubt whether she's "enough" for me, or think that i should be with anyone else? i've had no doubts from the beginning. why can't she have the same faith??
she comes down on me so hard for being confused and hurt and tentative when she comes back after a weekend and is pulled back and doesn't want to talk. i wonder what her reaction would be if our roles were reversed and i came back from a weekend and didn't want to talk?
all i can think is that it ties back to "best intentions". the problem with that is that my best intentions usually strike her as selfish or self-centered or just plain me -actively- doing the wrong thing. strange, because that is certainly not how they start out. i try, i really do, to be "her" focused and not "me" focused. to my pov, i am that way, all (okay, almost all) the time. but to her, all she can see is that i'm only ever concerned about what the impact (of whatever) will be on -us- and thereby, -me-.
it's true that i can and do wind up there, mentally. but, unlike what she says, it's not my knee-jerk reaction to get there, it's not the mindset i immediately go to when there's "something" between us. the problem is, she doesn't see all the mental process that goes between. when something's bothering her, like -something- has been bothering her since the weekend, she often won't tell me about it, or exactly what it is. sometimes she'll talk about it later, but sometimes not. when i'm in that position, that is, when the person i most care about and am literally -waiting- for to come back from the weekend comes back and doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to talk to me, and won't say anything about what -it- is, then what i do is to start analyzing whatever information i have as best i can.
but when i have almost -no- information and no information about what it even relates to, it's a hard task. i can only surmise what's bothering her. and the things i think of are focused on -her-, naturally. what could be bothering her? did something happen? did they fight? did she decide to accept his proposal? did she decide to leave?
so because i have no information about the real issue, i can only extrapolate, make some (hopefully) educated guesses based on what little information she does give me. and in the absence of any concrete information, i make assumptions and follow a train of thought... and usually wind up in the same place - thinking she's done, or thinking about being done (with me).
and because that is a reasonable fear and the most concrete thing i can come up with at the time, i ask questions and/or say things with that slant to it. today, it was "are you done?". just asking that was enough to make her positive that i only care about how things affect me. that if something's bothering her, that the ONLY reason i care is because i want to know how it affects -me-.
how could she think i love her and also think that? how could she have ANY doubt, after all this time? how can she doubt whether she's "enough" for me, or think that i should be with anyone else? i've had no doubts from the beginning. why can't she have the same faith??
she comes down on me so hard for being confused and hurt and tentative when she comes back after a weekend and is pulled back and doesn't want to talk. i wonder what her reaction would be if our roles were reversed and i came back from a weekend and didn't want to talk?
and today?
the early morning passed quick enough - waiting for her to come in.
the initial conversation was good enough. she sounded good.
when i asked her how she was today, she said "fine. same". great. "same" means as yesterday. and yesterday was not a good day.
in chat she's distracted, slow to respond. "Cool" even.
whenever she's pulled away before it's always been very hard. but overnight i seem to pull together, gain some hope and confidence that she'll be back tomorrow. and usually she is.
this feels different. she's -gone- further than i ever remember before.
i fear she's decided my future. and it's not the future i want.
i even asked her last week: why don't -I- get any input into what -my- future is??
------------
her horoscope for today and tomorrow don't sit well with me either. she and i have talked about her finding a lover to have her own experiences with and/or her finding a Dom to experience. last night when we were winding down our convo, she was busy on the pc, even staying after she said "i have to leave -now-" and we'd said good bye. i wondered then if she was looking for a lover or a Dom.
and today's horo says:
-----------
what happened to her over the weekend? it bothers me enough just because i care about her and she's obviously dealing with -it-, whatever it is. but to think that our future, or the chance of one, may have evaporated and i may never know why - that's unbearable.
the initial conversation was good enough. she sounded good.
when i asked her how she was today, she said "fine. same". great. "same" means as yesterday. and yesterday was not a good day.
in chat she's distracted, slow to respond. "Cool" even.
whenever she's pulled away before it's always been very hard. but overnight i seem to pull together, gain some hope and confidence that she'll be back tomorrow. and usually she is.
this feels different. she's -gone- further than i ever remember before.
i fear she's decided my future. and it's not the future i want.
i even asked her last week: why don't -I- get any input into what -my- future is??
------------
her horoscope for today and tomorrow don't sit well with me either. she and i have talked about her finding a lover to have her own experiences with and/or her finding a Dom to experience. last night when we were winding down our convo, she was busy on the pc, even staying after she said "i have to leave -now-" and we'd said good bye. i wondered then if she was looking for a lover or a Dom.
and today's horo says:
"...And you could end up meeting someone who has a profound effect on you.... and some interesting and enjoyable experiences could be in store for you today."and i wonder now.
-----------
what happened to her over the weekend? it bothers me enough just because i care about her and she's obviously dealing with -it-, whatever it is. but to think that our future, or the chance of one, may have evaporated and i may never know why - that's unbearable.
Monday, January 15, 2007
impotence
a bad(-ish) relationship day on friday, which she ultimately salvaged by calling me last minute to see if we were okay.
another long weekend without her.
an anxious monday morning, waiting for her to return to my world.
an then, not being invited to join her in her day. -not- being on the receiving end of chats. not being invited to lunch. not being able to get her to -want- to talk. not being able to get her attention at all. jumping up and down, waving to and shouting at the inner-B, the one that i know, but because she won't look over this way, not quite being able to catch her eye.
and completely impotent to do anything about it.
i try to chat; short, concise responses. i try to call; brief and "gotta go". i talk, stand here with my arms open and waiting for her; she stands -there- with her arms crossed. i ask if she wants to talk and she says "about what?".
another long weekend without her.
an anxious monday morning, waiting for her to return to my world.
an then, not being invited to join her in her day. -not- being on the receiving end of chats. not being invited to lunch. not being able to get her to -want- to talk. not being able to get her attention at all. jumping up and down, waving to and shouting at the inner-B, the one that i know, but because she won't look over this way, not quite being able to catch her eye.
and completely impotent to do anything about it.
i try to chat; short, concise responses. i try to call; brief and "gotta go". i talk, stand here with my arms open and waiting for her; she stands -there- with her arms crossed. i ask if she wants to talk and she says "about what?".
something
it was a rough friday. she called me just before she got home on friday to ask me if "we were alright". to me, we always are, even if -right now- seems rocky.
fast forward to this morning.
whenever we have a ?thing? it's almost always her that brings us back. like she did on friday, calling me last thing before she got home to make sure, with -me-, that we were okay. at that point i was in rough straits, but her calling to see how we were, her -wanting- us to be okay, that did it for me, bringing me ?home?.
waiting for her, more or less calmly, but certainly with some ?apprehension? mixed in. feeling good, feeling hopeful because she went to the trouble to make sure we were good before the weekend. and at the same time, feeling a bit apprehensive, knowing that we haven't talked through everything.
then she calls; earlier than usual even.
and -something- feels off.
fast forward to this morning.
whenever we have a ?thing? it's almost always her that brings us back. like she did on friday, calling me last thing before she got home to make sure, with -me-, that we were okay. at that point i was in rough straits, but her calling to see how we were, her -wanting- us to be okay, that did it for me, bringing me ?home?.
waiting for her, more or less calmly, but certainly with some ?apprehension? mixed in. feeling good, feeling hopeful because she went to the trouble to make sure we were good before the weekend. and at the same time, feeling a bit apprehensive, knowing that we haven't talked through everything.
then she calls; earlier than usual even.
and -something- feels off.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
a -day- late?
hardly. more like 2,557 days too late. and on the other hand, 6,575 days too early.
anyone who knows me knows that i'm late. period. i'm always late.
my biggest (worst) late ever? showing up in B's life 2,557 days too late. seven years after she met bf. which is pretty much a moot point anyway because she was 21 and even though she says my age is attractive to her, back then i'm sure i'd have just been one more creepy old guy hitting on the hot 21 year old waitress. she'd have flirted, taken my tips and later said to the others "ewww! you shoulda seen this -old- guy hitting on me!"
on the other hand, despite being late all the time, there's one time i was early, seriously early. why did i have to be born 6,575 days before her? such a huge gap. puts me out of her peer group. makes her his peer. makes me die too long before her. makes -me- old.
anyone who knows me knows that i'm late. period. i'm always late.
my biggest (worst) late ever? showing up in B's life 2,557 days too late. seven years after she met bf. which is pretty much a moot point anyway because she was 21 and even though she says my age is attractive to her, back then i'm sure i'd have just been one more creepy old guy hitting on the hot 21 year old waitress. she'd have flirted, taken my tips and later said to the others "ewww! you shoulda seen this -old- guy hitting on me!"
on the other hand, despite being late all the time, there's one time i was early, seriously early. why did i have to be born 6,575 days before her? such a huge gap. puts me out of her peer group. makes her his peer. makes me die too long before her. makes -me- old.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
if only
if only....
... she felt the same way ... about me, about a shared future, about leaving him.
... i could tell her how i see our future, how amazingly good it could be, even after allowing for "reality". it's probably for the better, as someone puking their guts out as you're telling your rose-colored vision of the future is -never- a good thing!
... she had a -little- sense of urgency about us. but with almost 20 years between us, it's understandable that she doesn't, that she thinks she has all the time in the world. actually, -she- does have all the time in the world; it's just that -i- don't. we've already missed out on three full years we could have shared. she won't even have grey hair by the time she realizes/decides i'm too old and she no longer considers me a viable suitor. if we get there before she's decided to leave him and/or be with me, it'll be too late; for me at least. she'll look and realize that the number of good years (hell, never mind "good" years, just -years-) that i can give her is too small a number for her to make the emotional investment, too small a number to make it worth leaving, not enough "good" to offset the pain i'd cause her by dying while she's still young and leaving her all alone.
and the wonderful life that should have been shared by soulmates will be lost.
... i'd been different, behaved differently, at so many junctions in our time together.
... i'd been born 15 years later.
... i was him.
... she felt the same way ... about me, about a shared future, about leaving him.
... i could tell her how i see our future, how amazingly good it could be, even after allowing for "reality". it's probably for the better, as someone puking their guts out as you're telling your rose-colored vision of the future is -never- a good thing!
... she had a -little- sense of urgency about us. but with almost 20 years between us, it's understandable that she doesn't, that she thinks she has all the time in the world. actually, -she- does have all the time in the world; it's just that -i- don't. we've already missed out on three full years we could have shared. she won't even have grey hair by the time she realizes/decides i'm too old and she no longer considers me a viable suitor. if we get there before she's decided to leave him and/or be with me, it'll be too late; for me at least. she'll look and realize that the number of good years (hell, never mind "good" years, just -years-) that i can give her is too small a number for her to make the emotional investment, too small a number to make it worth leaving, not enough "good" to offset the pain i'd cause her by dying while she's still young and leaving her all alone.
and the wonderful life that should have been shared by soulmates will be lost.
... i'd been different, behaved differently, at so many junctions in our time together.
... i'd been born 15 years later.
... i was him.
random thoughts, part 17
ya know, they say "consistency" is the name of the game. and there's a few things that i seem to be pretty fucking consistent on.
like last night. b and i had (a fantastic) -three- hours to talk. we talked; a lot. she told me about an erotic adventure she had and, in my typical fucked up fashion, i turned it around to being not about her and her adventure and her reaction to it, but to how it affects/affected me and us. fuck me. at least i'm consistent.
--------
one of her ?hesitations? about leaving (assuming she really wants to) is that "[this] is the only adult relationship i've known. i grew up in this relationship". and it's true - she's been with him almost ten years now.
i know what she means, very well. i was in my relationship for almost 20 years before finding B.
if only she knew that it's just -first- step that's the hardest. not that there aren't hard times after that, but not like that first step. once you get past that first step, once you say "i want out" or "i'm leaving", the hardest part is done. and i think she's ?afraid? that she'd have to go through all of it alone. but why? why doesn't she realize that from the very -minute- she tells him she's leaving she'll have (if she wanted) me on the hotline, available at any time for support? not saying she'd ask me to move there the day after she tells him, but wouldn't -our- talk time, methods, etc, immediately change?
----------
it's funny (but not ha-ha) how we can both look at the same thing and see it so differently. she sees that she needs to "catch up" so she doesn't feel at a (sexual experience) disadvantage to me. :-( she sees herself as somehow unsure that she'll be enough for me!!! that floors me, when she is so much more than i've ever thought i could -know- much less have. all i know is that from about 0.00035 seconds after the first time we're together, we'll be -together-. there'll be no differences between us. i know, instinctively, that from our first touch, all those insecurities and worries will just evaporate.
if only she'd believe it.
if only she'd put a little trust, a little faith into it and -believe- what her heart (and mine) already knows about us - we are. we are right for each other. we belong together.
that's all i want from her - to trust us. okay, and to -act- on it, to make things happen so we can be together.
like last night. b and i had (a fantastic) -three- hours to talk. we talked; a lot. she told me about an erotic adventure she had and, in my typical fucked up fashion, i turned it around to being not about her and her adventure and her reaction to it, but to how it affects/affected me and us. fuck me. at least i'm consistent.
--------
one of her ?hesitations? about leaving (assuming she really wants to) is that "[this] is the only adult relationship i've known. i grew up in this relationship". and it's true - she's been with him almost ten years now.
i know what she means, very well. i was in my relationship for almost 20 years before finding B.
if only she knew that it's just -first- step that's the hardest. not that there aren't hard times after that, but not like that first step. once you get past that first step, once you say "i want out" or "i'm leaving", the hardest part is done. and i think she's ?afraid? that she'd have to go through all of it alone. but why? why doesn't she realize that from the very -minute- she tells him she's leaving she'll have (if she wanted) me on the hotline, available at any time for support? not saying she'd ask me to move there the day after she tells him, but wouldn't -our- talk time, methods, etc, immediately change?
----------
it's funny (but not ha-ha) how we can both look at the same thing and see it so differently. she sees that she needs to "catch up" so she doesn't feel at a (sexual experience) disadvantage to me. :-( she sees herself as somehow unsure that she'll be enough for me!!! that floors me, when she is so much more than i've ever thought i could -know- much less have. all i know is that from about 0.00035 seconds after the first time we're together, we'll be -together-. there'll be no differences between us. i know, instinctively, that from our first touch, all those insecurities and worries will just evaporate.
if only she'd believe it.
if only she'd put a little trust, a little faith into it and -believe- what her heart (and mine) already knows about us - we are. we are right for each other. we belong together.
that's all i want from her - to trust us. okay, and to -act- on it, to make things happen so we can be together.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
and now?
the witching hour is here - she should be getting into the office about now.
if she's going in.
and what will happen? will she be in? will she call?
will she be out again?
if she's going in.
and what will happen? will she be in? will she call?
will she be out again?
Monday, January 08, 2007
why i can't chill
why i can't chill....
friday should've been our day. normally it would be our day, but after all the holidays and another short work week, last friday was supposed to be a good time for us to be "together". we should've had almost two-ish hours... except for those evil creatures called "Project Managers" and those frikkin' last minute meetings.. ON FRIDAY, no less. ain't NOTHING happening on that project that was more important than the hour B and i could've spent together.
and of course, the weekend. she either had no opportunity to get out and call or chose not to lest she "interrupt" my weekend. :-(
and now today, well over two hours past her normal arrival time at work, but nothing. no contact.
so what's this mean? did she oversleep? this could be good (coz she finally got enough sleep in one night?) or bad (coz they were out late partying & playing, or maybe just a -really- good night at home?).
did they fight and she left? she's said she'd call to let me know, if that happened. otoh, if it did happen, she'd no doubt have a very busy To Do list. and she might very well not tell me for sometime, so as to not have to deal with me pressuring her "now that she's single".
did they have a great weekend, talking and clearing up any unresolved issues, and now she's committed to bf and doesn't know how to break the news?
is she okay? what if she had an accident this weekend or on the way to work?? i might never know.
is work crazy this morning? maybe she got ambushed on walking through the door and hasn't had a moment to breathe since getting there.
guess i just gotta wait and see what happens.
friday should've been our day. normally it would be our day, but after all the holidays and another short work week, last friday was supposed to be a good time for us to be "together". we should've had almost two-ish hours... except for those evil creatures called "Project Managers" and those frikkin' last minute meetings.. ON FRIDAY, no less. ain't NOTHING happening on that project that was more important than the hour B and i could've spent together.
and of course, the weekend. she either had no opportunity to get out and call or chose not to lest she "interrupt" my weekend. :-(
and now today, well over two hours past her normal arrival time at work, but nothing. no contact.
so what's this mean? did she oversleep? this could be good (coz she finally got enough sleep in one night?) or bad (coz they were out late partying & playing, or maybe just a -really- good night at home?).
did they fight and she left? she's said she'd call to let me know, if that happened. otoh, if it did happen, she'd no doubt have a very busy To Do list. and she might very well not tell me for sometime, so as to not have to deal with me pressuring her "now that she's single".
did they have a great weekend, talking and clearing up any unresolved issues, and now she's committed to bf and doesn't know how to break the news?
is she okay? what if she had an accident this weekend or on the way to work?? i might never know.
is work crazy this morning? maybe she got ambushed on walking through the door and hasn't had a moment to breathe since getting there.
guess i just gotta wait and see what happens.
Friday, January 05, 2007
confusion, unfairness
all i hoped for was a good day with her. we've been so good, so close.
she wants to be -there- (first time she's ever said that so directly though) and she says she wants to be with me.
we can't be together now because she has to "catch up" to my experiences. but she's not having any other experiences, so she'll never catch up.
she wants me, i'm sure of it. but she won't let herself go any further along the road to us ever meeting, much less being together. why? why not?
she says that me seeing my fuckbuddy less makes her pull back. yet the more i see my fb, the more she pulls back. so what do i do? i can't win.
i'm more convinced than ever that she's ready to meet. almost completely positive that come our tentative meeting date that she -will- meet. so why am i also so hopeless that she'll back out at the last minute?
she says she -knows- but just can't bring herself to make a move.
are we destined to never be together because she can't make the hard decision to leave him?
on xmas day, she told me that she wanted to send me an email with all her personal info. then he proposed. then we weren't close, then we were. still no email, so i guess she changed her mind on that too.
she wants to be -there- (first time she's ever said that so directly though) and she says she wants to be with me.
we can't be together now because she has to "catch up" to my experiences. but she's not having any other experiences, so she'll never catch up.
she wants me, i'm sure of it. but she won't let herself go any further along the road to us ever meeting, much less being together. why? why not?
she says that me seeing my fuckbuddy less makes her pull back. yet the more i see my fb, the more she pulls back. so what do i do? i can't win.
i'm more convinced than ever that she's ready to meet. almost completely positive that come our tentative meeting date that she -will- meet. so why am i also so hopeless that she'll back out at the last minute?
she says she -knows- but just can't bring herself to make a move.
are we destined to never be together because she can't make the hard decision to leave him?
on xmas day, she told me that she wanted to send me an email with all her personal info. then he proposed. then we weren't close, then we were. still no email, so i guess she changed her mind on that too.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
in a new york minute
we've been so good. amazingly, superbly, wonderfully good. good to the point of not-wanting-to-talk-about-it-lest-we-jinx-it good.
jinx.
and then ... switcheroo.
i'm not supposed to be thinking or believe that she intends to meet in feb. i'm not supposed to make her my priority. i'm not supposed to do anything to ?align? my life with hers.
but why not?? all of a sudden she doesn't want me wanting that or thinking about that. why? or why not?? what changed, so fast, that we could go from wanting, knowing that we're gonna be together to wanting me to think that at there's no chance of meeting?
it was lunch; has to be. the ten minutes with bf during lunch - something must have happened. or, just as likely, she got mental images of what it'd really be like with me. i'm sure that'd have been enough to get -anyone- to change their mind.
so i'll do what she requests; mostly. i'll tell her that i -know- we're not gonna meet. and that i'm not thinking about it. and try to act like i'm okay with it.
and when that time passes, i'll act like it was no big deal. after all, why would meeting -the one-, finally meeting her, starting our time together (coz yeah, i do think that if we ever met our time together would start from right then), be a big deal?
only the biggest event in my life to date.
obligatory musical reference:
jinx.
and then ... switcheroo.
i'm not supposed to be thinking or believe that she intends to meet in feb. i'm not supposed to make her my priority. i'm not supposed to do anything to ?align? my life with hers.
but why not?? all of a sudden she doesn't want me wanting that or thinking about that. why? or why not?? what changed, so fast, that we could go from wanting, knowing that we're gonna be together to wanting me to think that at there's no chance of meeting?
it was lunch; has to be. the ten minutes with bf during lunch - something must have happened. or, just as likely, she got mental images of what it'd really be like with me. i'm sure that'd have been enough to get -anyone- to change their mind.
so i'll do what she requests; mostly. i'll tell her that i -know- we're not gonna meet. and that i'm not thinking about it. and try to act like i'm okay with it.
and when that time passes, i'll act like it was no big deal. after all, why would meeting -the one-, finally meeting her, starting our time together (coz yeah, i do think that if we ever met our time together would start from right then), be a big deal?
only the biggest event in my life to date.
obligatory musical reference:
Nickelback: Feeling Way Too Damn Good
... somethings' gotta go wrong coz i'm feeling way too damn good...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
