the high point has most definitely been over the last week or so, through saturday. when we hung up on saturday, 5ish, i could "see for miles and miles and miles and miles", the high i was on was so high.
that carried me through a sunday of waiting to talk to her again.
monday morning, eagerly awaiting her return.
i did not see the stiff arm crashing into my chest and pushing me toward the edge. i teetered there monday and tuesday, even thinking i'd regained my footing at one point.
have you ever planned something VERY SPECIAL with someone, something you both just KNEW was gonna be great, like a trip or event or something? i don't just mean something -cool- and -fun-, i mean new territory never explored, new sights never seen, new experiences never had before. planned, talked about, worked through the details, done the planning, felt the excitement as the day got closer and closer.... only to have them say "uh, no, can't do it"? not that the date is bad or they just realized they don't like heights or their spouse discovered your affair, but just have them say no because they just can't bring themselves to continue? no physical obstacles, no time conflicts, no EXTERNAL reasons at all why they can't go, just that they can't do it.
you're standing there, bags packed, a bright future in front of you, all ready to go. holding hands, you take the first step then realize they're not moving their feet. "c'mon, let's go!" you say.
"i can't."
at that moment, look around you.
welcome to hell.
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