he tried but he couldn't do it

i try to put my shit aside when we talk. i don't do so well. we talk about it. i -understand- what she says, i really do. but when the words come out, they're all twisted again, all me-centric again. i try to make them be different; they sound different in my head but once spoken, they all sound the same.

i tried to win her heart. i actually may have but i lost it again somewhere along the line. or he won it back. or she didn't want me to have it and took it back. anyone who knows me knows that for that time, i was happy. i knew my future and i liked it. for the first time in a long time, i looked forward to the future.

i tried to be to her the same friend as she is to me. for the most part and for a long time i think i did okay. i think in the past she may have ?overlooked? a reaction/response from me that was not the friend-response she expected because the ?overflow? from all the other facets of our relationship ?made up for? it. but now i think she's starting to see/accept/realize that i'm not the guy she thought/hoped i was. and without the overflow, there's no compensating factors, so it's just not worth the pain and trouble.

i've tried to understand why she can't leave. or should i say, why she can't be with me. sometimes i've thought i got it, but ultimately i guess i don't. i can understand on a conceptual, higher level... but in my head and in my heart, i can't. she loved me, she liked me, she wanted to be with me, but she couldn't bring herself to be with me, to leave him and the life they've built. i have a hard time understanding why, with no "hard" ties like a marriage or children or a huge network of assets, she felt it impossible to leave that life. time after time she told me it wasn't the money or the future-$$$ and it wasn't some hitherto unknown deep love for him. and yet, when she was able to voice a reason, it was all -her- reasons, internal to -her-. "memories". "the only adult relationship i've known". "i've been with him my entire adult life". "i'd never leave one relationship for another". i'm sure that my age and the likelihood of me dying while she's still young were secondary factors. and i suspect that she may have realized that even though i would start a family with her that it might not be in her or the baby's best interest to have an already 20 years older dad.

i've done what i could and it wasn't enough. it's bad enough to know that if competing on my own merits i wouldn't be good enough to win her. but that's not even the case. i'm losing the most important "battle" of my life for reasons i have absolutely no control over.... i'm too old, he's her age, they have 10 years history and we only have 4, she's already there and there's no compelling reason for her to leave.

it's the promise of america isn't it? "go forth young person - you can do and be ANYTHING you want".

oh, except be with her.

now i can try to act like a future without her is okay with me.