not good

when the phone rang early and i saw it was her, i rejoiced. her calling early must be a good thing, right?

a pleasant conversation. some laughs. on the surface it would appear that things have moved back toward normal (well, the normal that -i- want).

but it's the little things that give it away.

she can't talk now coz she's doing an order.

she doesn't want to talk at lunch, preferring to "go it alone today". (second day in a row. a first in our history.)

it's hard to explain - there's just a ?feel? to it.

she's dealing with something that she can't or won't tell me about. it's a significant issue in that it's forcing her to feel "hopeless" about finding herself; it's making her think that we don't belong together; it's driving a huge wedge between us.

and she won't talk about it. won't let me talk about it. won't let me influence her in any way.

and the fear standing on my shoulder and whispering in my ear keeps telling me what i already fear:
- the longer this goes on, the longer she keeps it locked up inside, the less likely it is that she'll ever talk about it.
- the longer we're like this, the more it'll start to feel "normal" to her.
- the longer we're like this, the odds of our future shrink. more and more everyday.

and there's nothing i can do. nothing.

and the real killer? (and this is the thing that will haunt me the rest of my life) i don't think -she- wants things this way. i really believe that in her heart, she wants the same thing i want. but she'll give up the future she wants and destroy the future i want, simply because she -thinks- it'd be better if i was with someone else.