random thoughts, part 17

ya know, they say "consistency" is the name of the game. and there's a few things that i seem to be pretty fucking consistent on.

like last night. b and i had (a fantastic) -three- hours to talk. we talked; a lot. she told me about an erotic adventure she had and, in my typical fucked up fashion, i turned it around to being not about her and her adventure and her reaction to it, but to how it affects/affected me and us. fuck me. at least i'm consistent.

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one of her ?hesitations? about leaving (assuming she really wants to) is that "[this] is the only adult relationship i've known. i grew up in this relationship". and it's true - she's been with him almost ten years now.

i know what she means, very well. i was in my relationship for almost 20 years before finding B.

if only she knew that it's just -first- step that's the hardest. not that there aren't hard times after that, but not like that first step. once you get past that first step, once you say "i want out" or "i'm leaving", the hardest part is done. and i think she's ?afraid? that she'd have to go through all of it alone. but why? why doesn't she realize that from the very -minute- she tells him she's leaving she'll have (if she wanted) me on the hotline, available at any time for support? not saying she'd ask me to move there the day after she tells him, but wouldn't -our- talk time, methods, etc, immediately change?

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it's funny (but not ha-ha) how we can both look at the same thing and see it so differently. she sees that she needs to "catch up" so she doesn't feel at a (sexual experience) disadvantage to me. :-( she sees herself as somehow unsure that she'll be enough for me!!! that floors me, when she is so much more than i've ever thought i could -know- much less have. all i know is that from about 0.00035 seconds after the first time we're together, we'll be -together-. there'll be no differences between us. i know, instinctively, that from our first touch, all those insecurities and worries will just evaporate.

if only she'd believe it.

if only she'd put a little trust, a little faith into it and -believe- what her heart (and mine) already knows about us - we are. we are right for each other. we belong together.

that's all i want from her - to trust us. okay, and to -act- on it, to make things happen so we can be together.