emotional timeline

Wed last, the day before my trip to b's city: excited, anticipatory, nervous.

Thurs: traveling. get near her around 2. excited, anxious, hopeful. when she chooses not to see me, fall a bit.

Fri: by her, then going to see my daughter. increasing bleakness as the minutes and hours pass and she says nothing about meeting. until finally she says no. then she says she'll drive by and we can see each other, so my mood soars. until i realize she didn't drive by. dive, dive, dive. we talk about maybe being in the same bar on saturday night. mood raises.

Sat: she calls in the morning, mood skyrockets. we talk about the possible bar sighting later. mood soars higher. driving back to her city at night, i'm slowly coming down, preparing myself for not seeing her. three tries, 2 places, no her. my mood plummets. someone shows, i think it's her. i'm giddy, excited. positive now that it is her, i'm positively high. she doesn't acknowledge my presence, mood plumets. i know now with 99.99% certainty who she is, mood betters. then i realize "so what?", that knowledge does absolutely nothing for me. still can't call her at work, she still won't confirm my guess, can't mail to her office, can't convince her to meet. mood? yeah, down the toilet.

Sun: travel. mood is very flat. she calls for a couple mins and raises my spirits.

Mon: work. blech. we're pretty good. talk of v-day, how we'll "spend" it, even though not together. a pretty good day. mood is good.

Tues: good morning, good mood. spent time putting together a V-day package for her. nothing big, it's kind of our thing, some chatchkas, things to laugh at. this always makes me happy, to be doing something that i know will make her happy. by afternoon, a black hole. we couldn't have been further apart. complete and total fucked-up-ed-ness was achieved somewhere around 9. by 2 i was fully medicated.

Wed: woke a little late, realized what the state of my life was and went back to sleep. forecast of bleakness with intermittant blackness and hopelessness. hearing of her two dozen red roses added just the right touch of complete helplessness; -he- can do it but -you- (meaning me) can't.
in one week, how can you go from a state of ecstasy where EVERYTHING is right and good and the future is soooo bright and optimistic to the deepest, darkest place you can imagine where there is no future. i guess that's kind of a description of the emotional states of mania, no? or bipolar disorder, kind of? except that that's usually a pendulum back and forth.

this would be more like a long, steep sliding board positioned at the edge of the abyss....

falling, falling, falling