if only

if only....

... she felt the same way ... about me, about a shared future, about leaving him.

... i could tell her how i see our future, how amazingly good it could be, even after allowing for "reality". it's probably for the better, as someone puking their guts out as you're telling your rose-colored vision of the future is -never- a good thing!

... she had a -little- sense of urgency about us. but with almost 20 years between us, it's understandable that she doesn't, that she thinks she has all the time in the world. actually, -she- does have all the time in the world; it's just that -i- don't. we've already missed out on three full years we could have shared. she won't even have grey hair by the time she realizes/decides i'm too old and she no longer considers me a viable suitor. if we get there before she's decided to leave him and/or be with me, it'll be too late; for me at least. she'll look and realize that the number of good years (hell, never mind "good" years, just -years-) that i can give her is too small a number for her to make the emotional investment, too small a number to make it worth leaving, not enough "good" to offset the pain i'd cause her by dying while she's still young and leaving her all alone.

and the wonderful life that should have been shared by soulmates will be lost.

... i'd been different, behaved differently, at so many junctions in our time together.

... i'd been born 15 years later.

... i was him.