i knew it felt wrong to be giving so much time to my fuckbuddy. it not only felt wrong but i knew it -was- wrong to put things that belonged to mine and b's relationship and put them into my fb relationship. i knew b wouldn't be happy. and i knew i wouldn't be happy if she wasn't happy.
all of which begs the question: if i knew it was wrong, why did i continue?
good question. i'm sure there's many answers, most of them kinda right, some out and out self-delusions & lies and then there's the truth.
truth is, i was getting laid. b was not only not fucking me, but not even willing to meet. even on the date we set aside for our first meeting. and not a fuck-all-day meeting, but simply lunch and "hi".
i wonder how many relationships have been killed in exactly this same way? not the cheating part, because while i think of it as though i was cheating on b, in reality, there was no adultery going on. it was an emotional betrayal. how many relationships have been lost from "trying to have your cake and eat it too"?
clearly, when blood is diverted from the brain and used in other parts of the body, normal thought processes suffer.
here's why i really don't understand this: i KNEW that my relationship with b was the best i'd ever had and the best i'm ever likely to have. i cherished it. i've loved her without question and without doubt since the beginning, over three years ago. while i always had doubts that we'd wind up together, there were signs that gave me hope. more importantly, i knew, KNEW that the things i was doing with my fb were -guaranteed- to hurt b.
so what the fuck was i doing?
picture this: late in the afternoon, a flat landscape, the sun near the horizon. if you stand with your back to the sun, you can see all there is to see. you know the sun's there, it's warming you, giving you life. as you look away from the sun you can see all kinds of things. now picture turning around and facing the sun. now, it's BLINDING. all you can see is the sun, nothing else. it completely overwhelms you and surrounds you. you feel it's warmth, feel how it fills all there is to fill. i am that person. since i've been seeing my fb, i've been looking away from the sun. i felt it on me, around me. i knew it was there, knew that i needed it in my life. but oh, so many things to see. and all along the sun was calling me, saying "hey, i'm here, over here!". but i still felt the sun on my back, so i knew it was still there. and then suddenly, the warmth of the sun was gone. i turned around and even though the strength of the light had dimmed some, when i faced it, it was still overwhelming, still brought back my full understanding of the importance of the sun in my life. looking full on into that light, i wonder how i could EVER have forgotten it, ever have neglected it, ever thought that other things were more important.
and now, it's dusk and the sun is setting.
i yell at it, plead with it, cry to it, argue with it, but i cannot stop the setting of the sun. it wants to stay, wants to continue warming me like it has, but it can't. it doesn't have the energy anymore. it doesn't want to set, i don't think, but it just can't muster the strength to stay in the sky, especially when it still may not get what it needs.
how do you live without the sun? without the very thing that gives you life and energy and a reason? sure, fucking is good, but it's not love, is it?
so, guys, here's my advice. try to remember it. be warned though, when your dick gets hard you won't listen.
think about what you want. not what you want -now-, but what you want long term. i can promise you they are not the same.
most importantly - LISTEN TO HER. she is telling you what you need to know.
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