all togethter now!

heard a great song i havent heard in a while tonight while riding -Designated drinker by allan jackson.

tonight, I'm the designated drinker
I just lost the one that wrapped me around her finger
I need to get to where I can't think of her
So tonight, I'm the designated drinker

and the last verse:
We need to get to where we can't think of her
So tonight we're the designated drinkers
(thank g-d for google)

worst part is she thinks she's just a friend to me, that all these aother sex parteners she thinks i have have pushed her out of top position. why doesnt she see that the only reason there even is any others is because she wont see me??? she has no idea what she really mean to me which really surprise's me cuz i thought id always made it plain and clear how importnat she is to me so why would she ever think that shes less important to me. idon't understand that at all. ive' always tried to make sure she knows how if felt. always. and if she saw me nowshed be disgusted that im drinking to try to ease my pain. shes so sttrong that way. but im not. i love her and i want her. it kills me that she dosnt want me the same why not?????where did i lose her where did she lose that interest in me that lust tht wanting that attraction that we've shared for so all these months?????? did i change into something/one she didnt want anymore or mabye she thought i didnt want her anymore (nOthing could be so farther from the truth) after all we;'ve shared and learned and discovered about each other how can she jsut go back to not wanting? whats changed why did she stop wanting me and decide to go back?.



but i beleive in my heart that this is true and real and meant to be its to strong to be just my imaignnation. if it is than im just the biggest fucking fool ever but if its not then why why why? how can she hold out and why whta does she gain by waiting? but for me even if not for her i know that thisis the one; no other has ever been like thisand never will be. so i wait.and wait. and wait until she eiter decides to see me or tells me to fuck off i love him and ill never ever leave him.

why cant she se e how much i love her????does it realy not matter to her atall? fuck i dont understand they always told us that true love always wins out but what???not in this case?? or is it only truelove for me?/

that would be the saddest thinga nd also make me out to be the biggest foool ever.

im not sure i could take learnign that.

i have.. nothing... to say

nothing.

she couldn't talk, so i waited. then, she could.

five minutes and then "i have to go".

she wanted to get home to run before it got dark and all the people got on the streets.

but you like to run at night. and you said you get almost no trick-or-treaters, so how many people could there be on the streets?

i fear those weren't her real reasons. i wonder ... is it another party?

i can't catch my breath, can't stop the pictures from coming, can't get the pain out of my chest.

and all day i thought things were going pretty well, on average. now i'm... lost. dead. empty.

no, not empty, because there's no end to the pain inside.

what do i do? i waited all day, wanting our time to talk. and she ran away.

not walked. ran. bolted.

fuck i did it again

fuck!!!!

what is fucking wrong with me?

i was very non-?clingy?.. very much avoided trying to pull her toward me... so instead, i pushed her away in a different way...

i asked how things were at home. "fine". and after saying that was good, "yup". "yup" tends to be her answer when she means "you don't really care" or "don't wanna talk about it" or "end of subject".

i know she's suspicious that i only want to know because i want to know "where she is" in relation to her and i. and yes, that's a part of it.. but only a part.. i really do want to know how things are. if they're better, it means she'll be less stressed, feel better, hopefully be happier. if they're better, i need to hear that - it'll help me know she's doing better there and which way she's ?heading?...

but geezus, when she says "yup"... especially after she's told me in the past that she doesn't really want to talk about home/relat w/bf... i feel like i'm just being blown off...

i felt optimistic and strong - i knew i'd be able to avoid pulling at her... then i get into this... fuck.. but it's natural to ask about her weekend.. we've been apart for almost 3 days... i want to know what she did, what fun she had, where they went.. all of it. is she telling me that i don't get to know about her life? is she shutting me out of that part of her?

only a few more steps ... then i'll be at the top... the top of the tall, spiral slide... step on, then slide... down, down, down. spiraling faster. ever down.

it'd be so easy to just let the forces behind me push me over that last step and send me on my way. and she'll see it as just another show of weakness from me. another fucked up by Me monday.

maybe not this time. i gotta try to hold out, be strong, be stronger. for her. for me. for this relationship.

be strong, self.

she's worth it.

monday... again

Last night she was with me as i was trying to go to sleep. i listened to my voice mail just so i could hear her voice. i thought about friday, about her party experience (10/14/05... a date i'll never forget. ever.), about all the things we've talked about recently, about what this morning would be like, about how much i long to hear her again.

she was with me when i woke too. that date. how much i want to do that for and with her. how it hurts a part of me so much and how it excites another part of me and how glad i am for her that she did it. and i try not to think of how many times they may have done it since.

but more than that, it was simply...her.

i'm determined to make this monday different than they've been. i need her back, want her back, want her to run to me, but that's not how she comes back. i always want that confirmation that she's still with me, that this is still important to her, hell, that she's even coming back. how do i know that she and bf didn't spend the weekend talking intensely, working everything out, coming to a meeting of the minds and that she now knows that that's where she belongs? every monday it's what i fear - that he's won her back over the weekend and that i've lost her for good.

but she's told me many times that she is coming back, that she won't ever just disappear. i know that's not the same as saying she won't decide to stay for good or that she's ready to see me (because obviously she's not or i'd have been there this weekend!). so i know she'll talk to me again this monday. and that's what i wait for.

well, that and to hear her tell me she loves me and wants to be with me. but that's a different fantasy.

now for the first hard part - getting through the next two to four hours until she calls. and then the rest of the day trying to read her, to figure out how her life was this weekend, what happened, what changed. where she's at.

and still i can't wait till she's back...

a date

well, hopefully we'll have a date in a little while.

I asked her yesterday if she'd like a date today. it's something we say/do to kind of 'put aside' some time for us to really be together. sometimes we just talk. sometimes we have sex. sometimes we're just together.

we've been right on the verge of very sexual for over a week. yesterday i asked her to do some things as kind of a preparation for our date today... to wear a skirt, and to bring two things to the office that have some very sexual significance to us.

she did wear a skirt today. that pleased me a lot. she's had a hard time doing what i've asked before, but she did it. she also wore tights today. that excites me a lot - i like that look.. a lot. my thoughts yesterday were that i was going to have her take off her panties early in the day, to kind of build anticipation in her all day. i know it'd excite her to take them off and be in the office all day with no panties, knowing we were going to fuck later. and to feel her bare pussy on her skirt and her chair as she moved around. this morning, i was excited that i'd get her to take off her tights.

not today. something, probably in her relationship, soured her mood and appetite for sexuality today. i so much wanted to talk to her sexy.. to hear her, to have her. instead, i need to avoid all of that, because it'll really hit her the wrong way. instead, we'll spend the time talking and just being close, hopefully.

because another FUCKING weekend is here already. another two and a half days without her.

FUCK.

i hate weekends.

i hate leaving her on fridays. i want to hold on to her as long as possible.

before she goes home to him.

him.

i hate him.

fuck.

maybe not

okay. i lied, i guess.

only 15 minutes late, and i feel it creeping up on me.

panic. concern.

where is she?

my chest is tight. my heart is racing.

where is she?

strength.. even serenity?

we feel strong again. i wasn't sure yesterday for a while. she got really stressed and instead of turning to me like she always has in the past, she turned away. it really threw me at first, because, for whatever reason, i seem to have a knack for soothing her. but instead she withdrew. this caused me concern (which in itself i see as an ?improvement? because previously i would have been panicked - so perhaps a sign that i am finally accepting the strength of our relationship?).

it's hard to put my finger on it, but things she's said to me this last week or two have really helped me to understand that what we have is not as tenuous as i thought. i know i don't have to fear that she'll just disappear. it doesn't mean i still don't sometimes, but i think i can see and accept it as simply a fear, an insecurity. i know it doesn't mean i'll never lose her, but she won't just disappear from my life.

it's so odd that i feel more ?commitment? from her than i have in a long time, perhaps ever, and yet still know that it's still possible we may never meet. i don't quite understand how she can be okay with that and still feel close to me like i believe she does. i believe, i have to believe (in order to stay sane) that we will meet, will become lovers, possibly more.

i try not to think about the state of her relationship with bf because, frankly, it upsets me so much. i never know for sure what's happening at home. she doesn't tell me much because when it's going well she doesn't want me to hurt and when it's not she doesn't want me to hope. i'm not sure but i think it's worsening. that's probably too strong a conclusion to draw from the tiny things she's said, but that's what i think. obviously i could be wrong, because they've also been doing more things together, even exploring new avenues. but that could be part of a pattern that i think some couples go through when things are nearing the end - forcing new things, struggling to hold onto normalcy, ignoring the worsening of the relationship all around them - kinda like the band playing on the deck of the Titanic. it hurts me because i don't want her to suffer the pain of a long relationship breaking up, yet i don't want her to stay in a relationship that doesn't give her what she wants and that frankly i don't believe she wants to be in anymore.

i can't let myself think about that part of her life too long because, frankly, it causes me so much distress. i want her in my life so much, i want her to be happy, i want her out of that relationship if that's what she wants, i feel so guilty for wanting that relationship to end because i know it'll cause her pain. she's my friend, above all - how can i want her relationship to end? but i look at what we have now, having never even met, and what we could have - how can i not want her for myself?

sigh. enough of that.

i feel her with me, feel her close. i think my comfort in knowing she holds me in her heart even when we're apart is growing, allowing me to expand my world a little. i'm growing interested in doing things again. two old hobbies are starting to engage me again. i'm not obsessed with finding sex as much (although i still think about -her- a thousand times a day). until B will start seeing me, i'd still like to find a fuck buddy....but i'm not focusing on it. and in the meantime, i have other things i -want- to do. it's a good feeling actually. not to say there's anything i'd rather do than to start commuting to see her every weekend, because g-d would i. but until she'll see me, and as long as i feel her touching me, i think i'll be okay.

i think.

i try to imagine how much my mindset would change for the better if she'd open up to me. i've tried to explain to her what it would mean to me to have her smiling at me at my desk, my home, to have her picture with me all the time. but her fears (of me??) still overpower her. it would remove so much ?tension? from her to not have to constantly be on the alert to make sure she doesn't give anything away to me, to not have to so carefully watch her words. she'd be able to let me in to her work day and let me do things for her that she can't let me do know. i don't understand why she doesn't feel that our relationship can handle (is worthy of?) that level of trust. i wonder how much easier it would be for her to hold me in her heart if she knew that i protect her privacy, if she were secure every day knowing that even though i know who she is and where she works and lives, that i would -never- jeopardize that part of her life. i never thought of it before, but how much more close would she be if she knew, felt, believed that she could truly trust me? that need to be secret will continue to sit between us, keeping her from pulling me close. that makes me sad because there's nothing i can do to change that. nothing.

until she decides she can trust me, if she ever does, what we have is still amazing. we ended yesterday before we could get to some intimate talk that we'd been building up to. i was frustrated that she had to go (why the fuck does he seem to show up at her office so often??) yet i was... okay. she kept me warm all night with her thoughts. and now i eagerly await her return.

and i'm warm with her, with the knowledge of -her-. and i'm smiling at the thought of her.

a calming touch

she calms me. with just a few words, she calms me.

she asks if this is too much for me, too hard. she doesn't understand that i can never turn away from her. never. for me to cut her from my life? inconceivable. she is my life. she doesn't understand that. i don't think she really understands what i feel for her, the depth of the feeling, the love, the committment i have for her.

i can't conceive of a real, permanent relationship with anyone else. when i try, i always wind up back at her.

when i think of doing things on the weekend, going out somewhere, i see her with me. when i daydream about sex, i see her. when i go to sleep, dream, wake up, it's her. her, her, her. when i'm upset about anything, even when i'm upset about her, all i have to do is think about coming home to her, in -our- home, to -our- life together, and it calms me.

she doesn't get that. perhaps she doesn't want to; because she's happy enough where she is, or because she doesn't feel the same, or perhaps because to do so would make her want to leave.

nevertheless, i have to change. my need for her is driving her away, making it so she is beginning to dread coming back after the weekend. so my need for her to ?openly? return to me after the weekend has to be surpressed, toned down. like my need to know her, to meet her, to be her lover, to be her partner, to have her picture, to have evening or weekend phone time, to hear her tell me how she feels about me and us, my need to feel her ?hurry? back to me after the weekend has to be pulled back, toned down so it's not so much in her face. i must be able to enjoy what she -can- give me, instead of wanting what i want her to give me.

i do though, is the thing - i do enjoy what she is able to give me. when she does open to me, i feel it, deeply. the depth and intensity of her love and caring and emotions is stunningly deep - when she opens up. maybe the very fact that it is less often makes it all the more valuable when she is able to open up. it's simply that i can't get enough of her. i want it all. i want her person, her mind, her heart, her love. i want her life. i want her commitment to me. i want her partnership. i want her hand.

how is it possible to love someone with every cell of your body even knowing that you may never even get to see them?

yet i do.

imagination takes off

from a bad (from my pov, anyway) morning, downhill as the day goes...

almost no contact.

couldn't get her to talk before i had a meeting. she'd been working, sure... but it was important to -me- to try to get a few minutes with her.

says she'll be back..

my mind races with the possibilities of what she went to do. i can't even visit the -thoughts- of those possibilities without feeling overwhelmed, lost, crazed.

nothing

there's no words.

i'm filled with so much, but it seems like there's nothing to say.

i should just go away. fade from sight.

i try to reach her but can't. i've pushed her away from me today but i'm not even sure why. other than because i want her close, i guess.

fuck.

i'm so lonely without her.

and this is as much of her as i'll ever have.

i fucking hate him. hate him. hate him. hate him. hate him. hate him.

fuck.

so lonely.

miss her so much.

want her so much.

i don't care about anything else. nothing else matters to me. nothing.

what i wouldn't give to be what/who she wanted.

like a cosmic tragedy

a giant greek tragedy or something.

she is the woman we both want.

he has her. he thinks he has her completely, but doesn't. he probably knows that at some level, but i'd bet the reality is different than he thinks. he probably loves her completely. but he doesn't have her attention fully. might be surprised to learn how little at times. and yet, he'd probably be happy to know what a strong hold he (and their life) has on her. a very, very strong hold.

i have her, in some ways. i have her mind and her heart a good deal of the time. i have the relationship she wants. but not the life. while i may have the sweet/meaty/juicy parts of a relationship that she's discovered she wants, it's not enough, in and of itself, for her to forego all the creature comforts and the habit of the life with him. i think i might be surprised sometimes to know how much of her i do have... at times. i'm certainly dismayed to see how little of her i have at other times.

and yet her position is less than perfect too. she has two men she loves. i'd say she loves us both, probably very much. (although i'll always believe she loves him more than me - otherwise, wouldn't things be different?). one of us fulfills her in her life - he gives her financial comfort, memories of time shared, an ongoing life, a social life, companionship. but in the deeper, inner things she seeks, he seems to fail her. for those things she comes to me. and we share those things so intimately and so completely. i know i feel my love for her just flowing out of me, bursting out of me, all the time, seeking her. sometimes when i think about her, i'm simply overwhelmed by my feelings for her. and the loss of not having her. and i feel her love coming to me. but i don't offer her the things he does, so i too am incomplete in her eyes. i too am a less than complete choice.

so it makes sense that she'd not leave one incomplete relationship only to get into another incomplete relationship. especially since the creature comforts of the first are vastly more. not to mention there's no upheaval in her life to stay, but a lot to leave. not worth all that to leave for another relationship also incomplete.

i wonder - if she were to meet someone that could give her both halves of what she's looking for, of what she wants, would she leave bf to be with the new one?

i don't have her either way, so i'd be happier if she chose the new love. at least she would have everything then, rather than only half. or two halves.

bf would lose her. but at least she'd be happy.

i'd lose her, even though i don't have her now. but again, at least she'd be happy.

more down. frightened. worried.

and she's still not in. over an hour since she'd have normally been in.

no call.

what's that mean? is she okay? hurt in a wreck??? just overwhelmed when she walked in the office? (but not even 2 mins to call and say so?). bad morning? or maybe a really good morning. maybe a late night last night, maybe he surprised her with another party?

maybe she's decided but hasn't decided how to break the news to me yet.

maybe. maybe. maybe.

maybe she just forgot.

cycle up, cycle down

up and down. good and bad. ecstatic and despondent.

overall, it's fine. there's a place in my heart for her, it'll always be there, always be hers, if she ever wants it.

i'm still kinda on a high from last friday, the way we ended the week. that was an exploration of an aspect of what our relationship would be like. not all of it and not all the time, but certainly that would be there, in part, underlying us, all the time.

and then the weekend. days away from her. plus worried about her and weather. and knowing how she's ...detached... when she comes back. i'm always worried on mondays. always. worried that she might not come back. worried that she'll have made her decision and that i lost. and g-d forgive me, worried that something wonderful will have happened between them, something that makes her see how much she really wants -him- and only him and that she'll come back and tell me goodbye, that he's proposed and she's accepted. that might just kill me. yet it could happen. at any time.

so we talked yesterday. she told me of a ?feeling? toward him that i guess is no surprise, but she's never said it in that way before - that she feels a loyalty toward him. it's her, it's no surprise that she would - it's the way she is; i'd expect no other. yet to have her say it is still ... difficult.

and she talked of the home project they're working on. he's skilled, he knows everything needed to tackle projects like that. so skilled. so knowledgeable. confident. capable. and again i stand, diminished, in his shadow. you can hear the pride and admiration in her voice when she talks about him. and how she ?enjoys? the way they work together.

i can't compete. i'm outclassed by far. he has the practical skills and the confidence to continue with many more projects outside of normal business that will ensure that they do well financially and that he can provide them with a very, very comfortable life and give her any and everything she wants.

i have a lot to offer her, i think. but these are not the same type of things. i offer, i think, matters of the heart. i offer friendship and emotional openness and intimacy and closeness and love and connection and understanding. things that, i think, most women would say they want, that they can't find. i don't offer these things to everyone - as evidenced by my failed marriage. but with her, i do. she brings these things out in me. with -her- i am capable of these things.

i believe, truly believe, that her inner life, and our relationship, would be the stuff that most women dream of when they talk about their ideal partner. i really do. it's not enough though. i don't provide the external things that complement that. i'm an incomplete package.

so i sit, alone. knowing that i have no chance of a life with her. she has 80% of the life she wants. i could only give her 80% too. so why would she ever change?

if only she'd give me a chance. if only we could meet, just spend a few hours together. give me one chance to win her heart.

just one.

getting back...

sigh.

i'm like the kid waiting for dad to get home from work. literally chomping at the bit. but when dad gets home, he's got other things on his mind, things that need attending to before i get my time.

i used to tell my kids that i just needed a few minutes of alone time. i couldn't jump right into having them all over me.

and so it is with B and coming back from the weekends. except she's "dad". i can't wait for her to get back. i feel like i keep running to the window to see if she's here yet. but she's had "a busy day at work", so to speak, and needs some ?transition? time. and just like the kid, i'm disappointed and even a little ?shocked? to not be embraced with open arms. i know the love is there... but why isn't she running to me, eager, aching even to be together again??

i know the answer of course. from the minute she leaves me on friday, i'm looking forward to her coming back to me. her return is the prize at the end of the weekend. everything that happens in between her leaving and her returning is simply a notch on the clock, some event that happens while i'm waiting for the next "real" minute of my life - her return. but she leaves on friday and goes home to a weekend of normal life - with her partner. living a life they've built and that they share. doing things, going places, small talk, sex, food, going out, staying in. the ?memory?reality? of me shrinking with every minute she spends in her real life.

and i wonder.. when she returns on mondays.. is it almost a ?shock? to find me here? to remember?

Contact

she called. we talked.

there's always an overwhelming sense of ?relief? when we first talk after a weekend (or any separation).

it was light. a quick catch up. i wanted desperately to reach out to her, to pull her close to me. but i resisted. i know it's not what she wants when we first talk again. trying to pull her close then pushes her away.. she fights it.

so i tried not to do it.

i'm so glad she's back again. i'm always so happy to hear her. to hear from her.

Friday. Weekend. and now...

Friday was a great day for us. I feel like we're in such a ... ?strong? place now. we've worked through the painful things. and though they'll continue to be present, i feel like we've looked at them, talked about them, dealt with them enough that we can manage them.

this relationship we have is unique. and difficult. the nature of our separation, the reasons we're not together now impose unique difficulties on us and these unique circumstances are what provide the breeding ground for the events that bring about the painful feelings. while our lives are still held apart, there's going to be things that she wants and does in her life, and things that i want and do in my life, things that we would both rather be doing with each other, that are going to be painful for us to accept. but we will.

i'm not sure what the future will bring. obviously i hope her future and mine become one.

========

I'm not sure she'll be in today, because of her weather. if not, i hope she knows my thoughts are with her.

it just feels hopeless. there's no future for me, other than an empty one, with out her.

why can't i have her?

i can't do this.

i'm not strong enough.

how am i supposed to just live without her?

it's the same cycle all the time... i try to be strong. think about what i can do to live a good life, how to keep occupied, what i want to do with my life, where i want to go.

all roads lead to B.

i know what i want to do with my life. i want to spend it with her, making her happy. doing whatever i can do to bring her pleasure and happiness and help her enjoy life. i just want to see her smile and laugh, see her eyes sparkle and light up with enjoyment, hear her laughter.

we would do things together, find pleasures together. and i would reap my own measure of fun from all we do. but my real reward would be to bring pleasure and happiness to her. my reward would be to see her enjoy life. (yes, i know she can enjoy life without me, and she will... but i want to see her enjoy it -with- me).

it sounds like i want to be a non-participant in life, but that's not true. i want to seek out new things and find interesting, exciting things to do. but i do it because i want her to enjoy. i want to bring joy to her. in a way, i've lived my life. and i could live more. but i've found the woman i want to love, the woman i do love. i want to give my life to her, devote myself to loving her like she's never been loved before, like she's never even dreamed she could be loved.

but that options' not open to me.

so what do i do with a life that i only want to give to her but she doesn't want?

i have a gift for her - my life, my love. it's only for her. she won't accept it. doesn't want it. it's special made for her - it won't fit anyone else. i can't return it. can't remake it.

i don't want it. but i'm stuck with this incomplete thing. it's a piece of a life, a piece of a person. incomplete. custom made for a particular person. but she doesn't need it. she has a life. and there's already someone filling the place where this partial life would go. and it suits her well enough that she doesn't want or need a change.

so like any custom item, it'll sit on the sale table. people will come along and try it to see if it fits. but it won't. some more, some less, but none ever like the one it's made for. and ultimately this life and this heart and this man will wind up dusty and discarded. left behind. forgotten.

useless.

inconsequential.

this sounds so "woe is me" but it's not. it's just sad, incredibly, infinitely sad that one heart could find it's perfect match, the perfect match, only to be not enough.

conflicting emotions

conflicts. so many conflicting thoughts and emotions.

I want to be strong, both for her and for me. I try. Sometimes I succeed. But when i need her i need her. and when i'm insecure about who and what i am to her, i'm anything but strong.

I want to lead my life like she wants me to and like i know i should. To have and pursue my own interests, to keep her as an important part of my life yet not "be waiting" on her, to know that she has her own life and may never let me be a part of that. I try, but ... I -want- her so much. i want her to be the central person in my life. my partner. my lover.

She wants me close. But not too close. sometimes i feel like she's got both hands on my chest, one pulling me and the other holding me away. She wants me to have her, wants to give herself to me completely, but can't stop hiding from me.

I've been drinking again. not a lot, but often enough. i know i shouldn't. but it dulls the senses enough that either i can forget the life i don't have or at least not dwell on it so much. it also fuzzes the images of things i can't get out of my head.

i think i want to stop seeing the couple i've been seeing. it's fun, it's exciting, it's sex. but i know it hurts her, tremendously, to think of me with them. but she'd tell me not to stop. and i want sex. but i want sex with her. i want all the sex we've ever talked about - but with her. there's sort of a vague connection in my head between my seeing them and her expanding her sexual activities, but i don't think it's a real correlation - that is, i don't think my activities directly drive hers.

i want her to have all the sex that she's always wanted and starting to find. i suspect she's having much more sex with bf than she lets on, believe they've been to the swing club more than she's told me. i want her to have all that - the swing club, other couples, gangbangs, women, bondage.. all that she wants i want her to have. even though it kills me to think about her doing it with him and with him with others, instead of with me and -us- with others. her decision to not have me shouldn't keep her from having everything else she wants.

i'm giving up my quest for sex, for now at least. i have to get past this pain i'm causing her and myself. i've started on a couple of hobby things that should keep me very occupied for some time to come. between hobbies and drinking i can probably fill most of my empty life. i'll probably try to find a part time or seasonal job too.

i beat off this morning. i woke about 4 and within seconds my thoughts were on her and her adventure last week. the "me" side of me was in pain, almost gasping at the images of her in my mind. but the "friend" side of me was happy for her, excited at the sights that i could imagine. i want that for her, always promised that if we were together i'd arrange it for her, many times, frankly -I- want to see her in that situation as much as she does. it excites me, excites her. i grew hard, more and more excited, and came thinking of her as my partner in that situation. after that glow faded, i lay there stricken, unable to sleep, picturing her with bf in that same situation. how do i encourage her to continue exploring without killing myself?

when relating the experience to me she said something about it not being as fulfilling as she'd hoped, because the motivation for it came from a hurtful place, a desire for revenge on me for my actions. when she said 'not as fulfilling' it struck a chord with me because i'd been doing some thinking about my previous encounter, the one that hurt her so. while the sex was new and exciting and fun, afterwards... it was different. "empty" comes to mind. there was no ?afterglow?. it was like i'd picture i'd feel after leaving a hooker (never been to one, so i can only guess) - finish, zip up, leave. no connection. no warmth. empty. that really surprised me because all the things that B and i have talked about doing with other people always left me with warm feelings, feelings of connection and comfort and warmth. and then i realized why - because it wasn't just sex with unknown, faceless others. it was B and I having sex together... it just so happens that others were with us. so they'd disappear from the encounter, leaving B and I together. and that was where the warmth and connection and feelings came from. from her and i being together and doing something that we wanted to do together.

which leaves me in the position of, as her friend, having to encourage her to repeat her experience, but this time from a place of excitement and good feelings. and to get her to do more and more of the things she wants to do and experience - rough sex, swinging, gangs, all of it. i need to be okay with it, for her sake, so that i can encourage her to explore and experience and most of all, to enjoy. and eventually i hope that i can be okay with it too.

i think i need to put sex out of my life for awhile. it's a strange juxtaposition - she's just coming out of a sexless period and stretching her wings getting ready to really branch out and explore and enjoy. and while i did that for a bit, i think i need to withdraw for awhile. figure out who i am and what i want, what kind of live i am to have. part of that is going to be to figure out how i am going to live a life without the chance of her as my lover and partner.

i've always been the romantic (even though secretly for a long time)... but i never, ever pictured being so in love with someone. never pictured wanting someone so much. never imagined that true love might not find a way to be together.

coming to terms

long night. i'm coming to terms with it, but it's still not easy.

80% of me is okay with it. she's an adult, she's sexual, she knows what she wants, she's in a relationship where he's okay with it too and will help her get what she wants. i'm mostly okay with the physical aspects, the actuality of it happening, with her initiating and getting what she wanted. i'm still surprised and (selfishly) ?saddened? that he's okay with helping her get these experiences. i didn't think he would be. guess i've underestimated him and their relationship again.

i think i'm okay with talking about it. i want to talk about it with her, want her to tell me all about it, although i don't think she will. i want to know the details and the larger picture. how she felt, how he reacted, how it got arranged, her feelings about asking for it, her anticipation leading up to it, her feelings during and after, did she get the aftercare she needed. i want to talk to her, want her to share all of it with me. i'm excited for her, glad she got to experience something i know she wanted. i think i could even do the pictures, if she'd share them. the images swirl in my head and i can't get rid of them. but those are almost as self inflicted punishment. no matter, she doesn't want me to have any pics of her, period.

it's the other 20% that i'm struggling with. the personal side of it as it relates to her and i. the feeling that this was ours and that i didn't get to experience her first time with her. that we didn't get to do it together. i have no right to feel this because i've certainly usurped things that were ours. and yet i know that the "me" aspect of this will lessen and i'll truly come to ?appreciate? what the experience is and was (and what future repeats will be) for her. just as with the strip club and the swing club and the car, this too will become something that i know of in her sexual past and it'll be an experience that shows a side of her that i enjoy and encourage and appreciate. just as i wanted (and still want) to know all the details of what happened at the clubs and during the car experience, so i want to know all the details of this. i want to know her feelings and pleasures and experiences, want to hear her enjoyment, share in her sexuality and her discoveries.

all of it brings her closer to me, at least from my perspective. it makes her ?more valuable? to me, deepens my feelings for her. makes me want her even more.

don't know

i'm numb. speechles. excited. hurt. aroused. proud (of her). ashamed (of myself). confused. alone.

yesterday when we tlked she said something to me that i knew, immediately, was truthful and warm and honest and sincere, it had no trace of forcedness or fakeenss or "airkiss on the cheek" insincerity to it. after our very emotinal conversation yesterday she told me she loved me. that moved me. the sincerity of it, the simple truth of her statement touched me.

today i learned again (because i must have forgotten the feelings from the previous times) what it's like to be on th receiving end ofcertain kinds of news. she told me things today that literally left me speechless. we'd been talking, kind of building up to something and she had to take another phone call. during the ten or so minutes i was waiting, i slowly worked up to the realizatin of where the pieces were leading. i couldn't breathe.

she told me she'd done something, something pretty bold, something that i think we'd previously considered "ours". she did it with bf. and even as the red hot poker pushed through my heart, i knew i had no right ot be hurt or offendded or betrayed. for not only did she not make any committment to me, but i'd certanly betrayed her enough times.

the specifics don't matter, so suffice ti to say it's something we've talked about many, many times. i felt a thousand emotions running through me at the same time. i was hurt, numb, angry, excited, proud of her, ashamed that my adctions had pushed to do this, happy for her, aroused, confused, betrayed, in awe, curious, angered, furious, belittled and on an on. every possible conflicting emotion rolling through me resting in my heart for a minute then moving on, replacing pain with pleasure, excitement with regret, happiness with hurt.

and she has pictures. but she won't show them to me. is it because the motivation for the event was a hateful one, a hurtful one? i'm sure that's a part of it. but she doesn't want me to have pictures of her.

the hurt that i feel at her actions doesn't arouse feelings of blame or betrayal really. they serve to highlight for me what she must feel when she learns of my betrayal actions, when i lie to her.

what i feel for her is still arousal, excitement, lust, awe, pride, curiousity. love. always love. while i'm hurt, this really only seems to heighten what i feel for her. i'll admit that i'm struggling with it, with the mixed feelings i have. my love for her always rises to the top but i'm still having to sort though all the other feelings as well.it sort of really highlights for me the depth and intensity of my feelings for her. and what i hope she feels for me.

and i'm a litle more hopeless. bf is apparently okay with what she wanted. he orchestrated it and arranged it, participated in it, took pictures. so wehre i guess i had some hope that he wouldn't be able to handle her desires, if she should start asking for and getting them, i guess he will be able to after all. so she can seek what she wants and it doesn't require me. good for her life,, bad for my hopes of the future.

ultimatelyl, though, what matters is her happiness. she needs to find her pleasures. live her life. be who she is and wants to be. and my feelings and needs and wants an desires shouldn't factor into that except in wahtever ways i can add to her life not detract from it.

and the sun rises ...

we talked.

she called mid morning yesterday and we talked. it was a very ?emotional? talk, at least for me. perhaps even cathartic. i told her of my weekend thoughts, my mini-revelations, told her of the realizations i'd had about how i've been living (well, going through) my life.

in the jewish religion, the most holy day is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Before Yom Kippur, you're supposed to ask people that you've wronged for their forgiveness. To ask for forgiveness from someone you've wronged is a very ?humbling? experience. To give that forgiveness, to rise above the hurt and indignation and whatever other feelings may have come from someones' trespasses against you is difficult and takes immense ?character? and forgiveness and even love.

Explaining to B what I'd realized about my life and myself over the weekend, and talking to her about how i'd been ?obsessing? about sex and admitting to both myself and her that i'd lost sight of how my actions affected her.. all of that was very... humbling. yet at the same time, cleansing somehow. cathartic. i felt as though i was standing in front of her, baring my soul, hiding nothing, giving her my truest, most intimate thoughts, my clearest understanding of my behaviours, laying myself out in front of her.

and she opened her arms to me, held me to her breast, gave me her love and understanding.

and i feel we are somehow changed; the same, somehow better, but changed nonetheless.

i want to think about our relationship, talk about it, clarify it. i need to know where she is in her relationship with bf. i need to know where she is as regards a relationship with me. i know she's settled in some with him, that she's lessened her grip on me (or maybe more accurately lessened my grip on her). i want to think about it and talk about it to clarify in my head and heart where we are and what the chances of an "us" are and whether she still wants me physically and sexually and emotionally.

and yet, the feeling i got from her yesterday during our talk was so..... filled with love and genuine like and affection, and concern and caring, that i try to pull myself away from thinking about those things, for now at least. i want her, more than ever. and more than ever now losing the chance of a life with her, the prospect of never having her next to me, that loss is as overwhelming as ever. but for now, i just want to -be- with her. talk to her. connect. listen. open up to her and feel her accept me and hear me. be there for her and with her. be there if she chooses to open up to me and let me close. i want to be here with my arms open and if she wants to come to me for a hug and a feeling of comfort, she can wrap her arms around me and rest her head on my chest and i will wrap my arms around her and keep her safe and warm and give her a place to hide from everything.

i know i'll have to work hard to keep my feelings for her in check, to keep the jealousies and desires from bringing back old behaviors and again threatening our relationship. i haven't yet figured out how to handle the conflict between desperately wanting her relationship with bf to fail (so she'll be free to be with me) and wanting her to have the life she wants, even if it is to be with him. it's hard, very hard to be objective and want for her what she wants for herself, because one choice leaves no chance of her and i and the other leaves only a possibility that she'd have me. but they say the definition of crazy is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome. well, nothing i did before brought about the desired outcome; if anything, it only threatened to remove her from my life altogether. and since that is the least desireable outcome, then if making her happy in our relationship means helping her to be happy in her relationship with bf and supporting her in that relationship, then that's what i'll do. but if the feelings i felt from her yesterday are an indication of what she's capable of giving, even if she's still loving him, then i'll take it. the warmth and genuine affection i felt from her were just... overwhelming. while i may never have her innermost love or have her as my partner, to have her love like yesterday is more than anyone could hope for.

she is an amazing woman. i'm so fortunate to know her. and so happy to have her in my life.

guess i'm living in a fantasy world

i guess i'm living in a fantasy world...

i really expected her to call me this morning, to contact me.

not that it's all better or anything...

guess i'm just having a hard time believing it's over. i'm having a hard time believing that she doesn't feel the emptiness and loss that i do. the vacuum that used to be us in the others' life.

g-d this is hard.

and it's just beginning.

revelation(ettes) and epiphany(ettes)

A very long weekend. knowing that over there is a woman who is able to completely put me out of her life, despite everything we've shared and come to know about each other.

had some interesting revelation-ettes this weekend. can't call 'em revelations or epiphanies yet because i'm still not sure what they mean completely.

B's hurt stems a great deal from me doing things that were "ours". (and from lying about it). she reminded me of a couple of things from the past where she had done things that i'd considered "ours" and how much i'd been hurt by them.

as in the past, i hadn't seen that perspective on my actions until afterward, until after i'd already caused the hurt. (is that a guy thing or just me?)

revelationette 1: i went to a bar saturday night. it was kinda crowded, a youngish crowd, loud music and then live music. it was fun, in a way, to watch it. after a while, it was also sad because i knew it wasn't me. i think i'd had (not dreams, maybe) visions? that i'd be able to hang in a club, having a good time, meeting people. women. couples. finding fuck buddies even? why would i think that? i've never been able to meet women in a club before. never. why would i be able to now? but truthfully, that wasn't even the point. i'd had visions of B and I in clubs, having fun. She'd be much more at home in that element than I. She's much younger, more vivacious. Besides, she's a young, beautiful, outgoing woman. Everywhere she goes, people want to meet -her-.

revelationette 2: i'd gone out late saturday afternoon, just to get out. i'd intended to do so earlier but between being hung over and still crushed by B walking away from me (the effects and pain of which will be around for long into the foreseeable future), i was simply unable to get out of the house. so i loaded the bike in the car with the intent of going to the lake and riding the bike trails i'd heard about. i couldn't find the bike trails, but i did find something else: an rc airplane flying field. i'd been involved in the hobby years ago and loved it. there were only two guys there, but i watched them fly for a while. it was fun to watch. i went back on sunday and there was more activity, more flyers. i talked to a few of them, got club info and the like. i immediately became interested in the hobby again and could see myself out there on the weekends flying, maybe even an occasional afternoon during the week since i can get out early.

related observation: as i was coming back from the flying field, i saw two couples on motorcycles pulling into homes in my neighborhood. couples my age, not "bikers" necessarily, but just couples out for a ride on a beautiful weekend day.

epiphaniette 1: what it is and isn't about. put all these together. let stew for a while. and then it began to take shape. i began to see the great difference in B and her life and me and mine. maybe it explains why (or at least a partial why) she couldn't leave where she was. to put it simply- you can't make sex your life. it can be a big part of it, an important part. but there has to be more. B has a life; a home, a partner, a routine, a dog, all of it. part of that life is a sex life. she wishes it were better (although it's probably gotten a whole lot better in the last week or so) and there's sex she wants that she hasn't been getting, though that might have changed too. but again, it's sex within the ?boundaries? of a -life-. if she doesn't have sex for an afternoon or a day or even a week, she still has the life. for as long as i've been separated/divorced, i've been avoiding getting a life, avoiding finding and doing those things that make up a life. sure, i've done things but never ?embraced? them, always doing them as things that had to be done, this time, to get through with it. i never took up a hobby, or found friends, or made a life. i didn't really make seeking sex my priority either though, because i had a fuck buddy. so i could go there for sex and withdraw from, or hide from, both having to get a life and having to look for sex. since i've moved here though, that balance has been upset. here, i haven't yet made a life, and although i have thought about it i've also found myself fighting it. i also was able to find sex, with a couple. finding them allowed me to take my focus off the "life" side of things and focus on the sex side. and with that focus and making that so "important" and such a large part of my being, i let myself get carried away. carried away with the excitement and the newness and the novelty without thinking about the ramifications of it all, of the effects on others in my life (especially B and my relationship with her). so here it is, epiphaniette 1: sex is a part of life, not the other way around. sex cannot be your life. it can't. at least not for me. don't get me wrong, i want it to be a big part of my life. i want to have a happy, healthy, active sex life, one that extends beyond what most peoples' does. i want the sex life that B and I always talked about having together. the difference now is that i see that that sex life is a part of a larger life, not the other way around.

and now i think i understand why B is gone. even though we were never together physically, we were "together". we had that kind of closeness, a closeness and understanding that most real couples never get to. and she looked at our relationship and the sex in it one way - that is, as sex within a life. all that we had together, talk, phones, IM, email, our conversations, those were our life. within that life was our sex. and the sex included things we wanted to do between us and to do with others. and i think because she wouldn't give me her life, wouldn't give me anything besides our conversation time and phone and im and email, and sex, i think i looked at it as though the sex -was- our life. that's not quite right - maybe more like i looked at the sex as though it would be a central, majority part of our life, instead of looking at it as it should be, which is that it would have been an important part of our life. a subtle difference, but huge really.

so if you look at what's happened between B and i in the last week or so (and probably back to -all- our incidents), it's easy to see why she's upset, why she hates me, why she feels betrayed, why she left. boil it down, and it's plain to see: i cheated on her. i took things that belonged to a very important part of our life/relationship (things that were special to us in our sex) and i took those elsewhere. i took things that were -ours- and i took them elsewhere. i cheated on her. betrayed her. and as usually happens in a betrayal, i lied to her. again. and i justified the betrayal by saying "but she won't be physical/real with me". and i justified the lying by saying it was to keep from hurting her. neither was a justification. and in the end, i cheated on the woman i love. period. even though our relationship has some unique aspects to it, it's still a relationship. she gave me her trust and her intimacy and her love. and i betrayed her. and lied to her.

epiphaniette 2: wow. writing it out has triggered another. B has told me often that when we weren't so focused on "us" that we were better, that she was more attracted to me when i had my own life. now i get it. and i see that as i pulled away from my life, from having my own life, and began to focus more and more on "us", making her my life, the major part of my life, and making (or trying to make) our sex the major part of our relationship (instead of just letting it happen as a natural consequence of our relationship, which it would have) - that coincided with the ?conflict? in our relationship. she was right all along when she told me, time and again, to just "be", to just let us happen, to not focus on us so much and so hard, and to just let us have our time together. the other part of that, though i don't know that either of us put it together then, was that i needed to get a life, find interests and things to do, outside of the "us" and our time together. she told me that too. many times. i didn't want to do it because i didn't want anything to come between us, didn't want anything to distract me from her (although i think i was more scared that she, seeing me have a life, would think i was loosing interest in her and that she would then lose interest).





now what?

now i have some knowledge of myself that i didn't have before. but the fact is that i've still lost her, driven her away.

how do you integrate life truths into your life when you can see the woman you want to share you life with walking away? my one, the one.

what's the point of even going on?

i can't do it

i can't handle this. she's gone.

gone.

i can't breathe. can't concentrate. i've im'd her a dozen times, left her messages. sent emails. checked my email a million times.

i've had to go outside to get some privacy three times. sat in the bathroom. walked around the building.

i can't do it. i won't be able to handle this. how can it be so easy for her? the largest and most important part of my life is just ... gone.

now what?

the first time this happened, i went to a friends house to get away and spent three days completely wasted. we had phones then and about 4:13pm on that saturday i got a message that said "i miss my friend".

now she just wants me gone.

how can i make it through the rest of my life? or through the weekend? even through the rest of today?

and why? why bother? there's nothing on the other side of today, tomorrow, the weekend, next year.. only more time without her.

who needs it? who would want it?

i don't.

i don't even want to make it to tonight. maybe there'll be a traffic accident and a fiery death. it'll hurt less than this. and then it'd be over.

this pain will never be over.

gasping for breath

it just gets worse and worse.

in a small email exchange last night before she left (without talking) she explained what i thought was the crux of the problem. she' s hurt. i hurt her, again.

i read her words and, knowing her, the hurt pours out of them. and then she lashes out at me in a final sentence or two, saying two of the most hurtful things she's ever said to me. two things so dismissive of the specialness of what we've shared, so hurtful, so directly aimed at my heart.

my g-d, what have i done??

today will be the hardest day yet. friday. we always get time to talk friday afternoons, between one and three hours. i wonder if she'll even talk to me at all today.

B, please, if you see this. please come back.

please.

i love you.

silence

she hasn't called.

hasn't IM'd.

hasn't emailed.

i've tried IM, email, calling, vm, VoIP phone.

nothing.

i can't concentrate, can't think of anything else. i check my fucking mail every 3 minutes. i call her phone. check to see if she's online.

is it so easy for her to just change her life? our time was a constant factor in our day - is it so easy for her to just remove me and fill it in with something else?

i want to get in my car and drive to her, find her, seek her out, plead with her.

but i don't know who she is. or where. and even if i did find her, it would only guarantee that she'd never, ever, ever speak to me again.

and even if i did find her, what could i do? her mind is made up. i have no "pull" with her. no one convinces her to do anything she doesn't want to do.

and she seems to not want me in her life.

what do i do?

what can i do? (nothing)

this can't be happening. it can't. i can't believe it. won't believe it.

but i don't have a choice do i?

no "Dallas" shower scene

i woke up this morning like i usually do - thinking of B within seconds of waking up. then the memory of yesterday crashing in on my thoughts. my first reaction was that it was just a bad dream, that that didn't really happen, couldn't have happened.

as my thoughts cleared my day and my future blackened.

it's true. she's gone.

she's been there with me and for me through the hardest years of my life. now she's gone. i thought those were the hardest years, but when i look ahead i see... nothing. the worst is yet to come. i always thought she'd be there, in some fashion. truthfully i always believed that somewhere down the line we'd be together. now the realization of what lies ahead, and what doesn't, is sitting heavy on me.

i'm not sure i can take it. i'm not sure i can make it. i'm not sure i want to.

i'd really gotten through much of the acceptance that she might never see me. not all, but i knew it wasn't a given. but i'd never, ever pictured a future without her phone calls or IMs. i never ever pictured a day without talking to her multiple times, without having an hour to talk at the end of the day to just relax and connect and enjoy each others' company. i know things haven't been great lately but even with our problems, her problems and my problems, we connected, we talked. the way we were able to talk to each other and discuss things was so much beyond what most people ever find. she didn't see that, or lost sight of it, perhaps didn't remember what it's like to be surrounded by people that you can't talk to or don't want to talk to.

even when we were bad we were better at communicating than most.

and now she's gone.

lost.

i'm lost.

she's turned her back on me, on us, on everything that we had, everything that we could have had.

i just lost my best friend ever

i just lost my best friend ever.

and it's even worse than if she had died - because she's choosing to not be in my life, choosing to not have me in her life anymore.

now what?

she'll go on. she already knows the path she wants to take. she'll stay with him, work on their relationship, put her all into it.

i was a better person with her in my life. based on my actions, i must not have been a very good person before her. she made me better, made me feel better, made me look at myself. she made me love her and she didn't even try to get me to do that. now she chooses to distance herself from me. which means that on closer inspection, i'm not the man or type of man she wants. or even wants in her life.

it's ironic that our relationship made her look at hers and find it lacking, made her realize that there were other things to be found, that intimacy isn't such a bad thing. and now my actions are pushing her to put her all into saving a relationship that she found wanting. i've pushed her back to the relationship she wanted to leave but couldn't bring herself to.

now what do i do? how do you live after being left by the most important person in your life?

or do you?

i knew it

i knew it.

two hours and no sign of her.

fuck.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

please B... please...

now what?

now what?

i knew i was setting myself up for this to happen. i knew it.

she's the only person who really knows me. she knows the sex i seek, what i want. she's the only person i can talk to about it, the only person i want to talk to about it. truth of the matter is, she's the person i want but i can't have her.

so i've been having some activities that i've wanted to share with her, but couldn't. because i know that every time we talk about my sex life it bothers her. it pushes us a little more apart, causes her to become a little withdrawn. and i don't want that. it's -her- i want and i want to keep us close. yet i know that she may never see me and i can't live a life of no sex, nor would she want me to. but the pain i hear in her when i tell her something, especially when i know she's dealing with her own sex/relationship issues... it kills me.

so i haven't told her some details, even when specifically asked. withholding information or lying, it's the same to her. and i guess i have to agree. and i knew it'd come out, i knew that when she asked me directly that i'd tell her. only now it's worse because i lied to her. again.

that's the killer. "again". in my daily life, whenever anything happens, i think of telling her about it. even stupid stuff. because she's there, she's my friend, my connected one. she cares about me. me! the only things i ever don't tell her are sex things, things that i know will hurt her. because the thing i can't stand is to push her further and further away. there's enough physical distance between us without adding more emotional distance. and there's enough obstacles to our ever being together without adding more. but that's exactly what i've done, what i've done in the past by not telling her everything.

she hung up on me yesterday. i heard it coming. i knew she was going.

i wish i knew if she was coming back today.

i'm numb. i know there's a great emptiness inside. i know the pain is there, it's just dulled somehow. i feel like the terminal patient three weeks after getting the news but I'm still hoping for the cure.

what will today bring?

will she come back? will she call? will she call from near and close or from arms' length?

i wait to see what my day will be like. what my life will be like.

will she be in my day? my life?

will she choose to include me in her day, her life?

tick

tick

the seconds crawl by pulling me inexorably toward the future.

i can see so clearly the future i want yet i have no control over that's to be my future or not.

I thought I could do it

0940
She decided last minute on Friday to close her office today. Last night, instead of looking forward with great anticipation to this morning, to the ring of the phone, i tried not to think about how she wasn't gonna be in my day today, wasn't gonna be part of my life today.

I tried to keep busy all morning, tried to keep focused on work so maybe i wouldn't notice her absence.

yeah, right.

to make it doubly worse, i don't know if i was even in her thoughts this weekend, or if she'll think of me today. we didn't end too well on friday. when that happens, i wonder if she even takes me with her for the weekend or does she just purge me from her thoughts?

did he take off today? dunno. probably. if he did, then the chance that she'll call today is low. she didn't call last night, which i don't understand, because i wished for and hoped for it all day and night. if he is working today, there's a chance she'll call. will she make the effort to do so?

only three lifetimes to go till the end of the day.

fuck.

-----------------------------------------------------
1130
not even two hours.

i can't breathe.

why can't she find a way to call?

why won't she?

-----------------------------------------------------
1345
another two hours and an eternity.

the more i tell myself to not expect a call, the more i tell myself that if she hasn't found the need to call by now that the chances of her doing so get even less, the more frantic i am hoping/wishing/willing her to please call. please.

truthfully, it's not even to -call- per se. i'm hoping/wishing/willing her to -want- me enough that she has to call, to want to hear my voice so much that she finds a way to call.

another couple of hours and he'll be home, if he worked today, and then there'll be zero chance of a call. if she couldn't find a way on sunday, there's no way she could find a way tonight.

so in two more hours i have to reset the clock for another 17 hours.

geezus.

geezus.

Uneasy about being at (even somewhat at) ease

she's got some work problems she's dealing with this morning. three hours ago she said she'd "brb". no problem, we all know what brb means - could be 2 minutes, could be an hour. for some people it could go much longer; i tend to find that i -have- to get back to her w/i an hour or so just to let her know i didn't forget her. (yeah, right, like that could happen.) and i admit, that since i've known her these last two years, i find it very hard to go more than an hour or so without communicating with her or at least trying to.

she's different, has a different "need to talk" timescale than i. it's taken me a long time to even ?accept? that and i finally do; mostly. it's one thing when it's an hour in the middle of the day, something completely different when it's a whole weekend (have i mentioned how much i've hated weekends since last thanksgiving?) and then lunch on monday before we get to talk. that still drives me to the brink.

so now it's three hours. she's either had lunch, or met him already, or not gonna take it which means we won't get to do a little something we'd talked about (nothing worth mentioning, just something ... private and different). i can see the panic in me. i can feel it around the edges. i'm not the least bit okay with this in the sense that i "should just be able to accept it, there's nothing wrong, she's busy and will get back to me when she can". instead there's sort of a sad resignation in place, a feeling that this is my life, that she'll never let me any closer than the keyboard or the phone, that the pleasure i get from her being in my life will always be meted out, a lower priority than any of the myriad of other things that get to be a part of her physical world. i'm important to her - but the ups guy gets to actually see her, the client with stupid questions can call her office or cell, the 7-11 clerks get to see her dressed to kill.

i've wondered for some time how i can be both happy (that she's in my life) and sad (that she won't be in my life) at the same time. i read an article today that said that happiness and sadness are not mutually exclusive. that makes a lot of sense to me. when she's sensed my sadness at not being together, she's asked me if i'd rather not do this anymore. "no" is of course the answer, because she really does bring me so much happiness. i also have sadness that i'm not enough of what she wants that she'd let us be together.

i still hate bf for having such a hold on her, for not being what she needs him to be. and the ups guy for so nonchalantly knowing she's one of his stops. and the 7-11 clerks for not realizing what a beautiful person she is, for only ogling her for her physical beauty.

happy sadness? or sad happiness?

did i mention that i hate -him-?

and when she does come back and tells me that she's been dealing with non-stop bullshit, i'll feel like shit. and she'll sense my state of mind and feel bad for me, tell me she's sorry. and -that'll- make me feel crappy that i made her feel bad for doing nothing wrong.

then there's that voice at the edge of sanity that plants seeds of doubt in me... has she made her decision to stay? is she weaning me? there's absolutely NO reason for me to think that.

fuck me.

i need help. no wonder she keeps her privacy and her distance.

Monday, again

As usual, I let my need for her and my need to reconnect with her cast a shadow over our Monday.

But it's so hard to be waiting for her all weekend and when she's finally available, to act like we've not even been apart, like I haven't been forcefully separated from my love for days.

Even worse, I made stupid comments about punishing myself. Even -I- don't know what saying those things was supposed to accomplish, other than making me look (even) weak(er) and (more) pathetic. In my twisted logic, I think I wanted her to understand how tortured i feel, how hopeless and helpless i feel not being able to influence our relationship at all, at having ZERO ability to affect how or whether she wants me or wants to be with me. zero. so instead i show her a glimpse of me that even i found pathetic.

good job.

i'm sure she's more eager than ever to be with me now.

FUCK.

waiting for love

i haven't written here in several days, which is not to say she hasn't been heavily on my mind.

now it's the end of another weekend and again 2.5 days since we've talked. i miss her. she's been in my thoughts a lot. have i been in hers? i'd hoped, as always, that she'd be able to call me yesterday, especially knowing i'd be in the car most of the day, but no call.

and this morning? is she anticipating our call? looking forward to it?

i miss her. i love her. i need her.

i wait for her.