tock.

tock. another day spent without her.

i didn't do so well yesterday. it was the first day lover-me was supposed to stay home, out of the picture. friend-me was okay early on, but kept letting lover-me back in, until he almost took over again.

but today is another day. another day to be her friend. another day to try to give back to her a tiny fraction of what i get from her. another day to try to stop forcing my love on her and just let her have the friendship she wants.

another day we'll never have to spend together with each other, in each others' arms. another day i can't greet her at the door, push the hair from her face and kiss her hello. another day i can't hold her and protect her, make her/let her feel protected and loved as she falls asleep in my arms.

another day that maybe i can make her glad she knows me. another fresh start that maybe i won't taint by trying to be to her what she doesn't want me to be.

i was thinking about going back home (i have no home, really. i say "home" to refer to the state where my daughter lives). for two years, everytime i went back was a time of excitement for me. i'd always try to plan my trip so there was a day or two of slack/free time in my schedule so that if B wanted to see me, there was time. looking at the calendar last night, i found myself doing the same thing again. and i realized, sadly, that i should never do that again. i have to just accept that she's not meeting me, not going to meet me. i'll continue to give her my itinerary so she can take whatever precautions she needs to take when she knows i'm in the state, but i shouldn't figure in any extra time for meeting her. if there should come a time when she wants to see me, she'll tell me. and she knows i'd do anything to make time for her. but to plan time for that is fruitless.

losing the possibility of her as my lover is so very hard to accept. besides the intimacy and connection that we have and how much stronger and more intense it would have grown as lovers, there's a million little, casual things that i'd hoped for that just won't be. calling her to wake her up in the morning. whispering good night in her ear on our last call of the day. being able to call her private line just to say "i was thinking of you". i'd hoped for pictures from the beginning, but when we got the phones i'd fantasized that she'd want to take pics of herself smiling every morning to send to me. pics of what she was wearing, her name on the desk, even flashing me. i've fantasized a thousand times about what it would be like to hear her ask me to come see her. or ".. i know you're weren't planning on coming this weekend, but i want to see you.. will you come anyway?".

hey, if you're gonna dream about -the one-, ya might as well go all out. how much better it would have been (well, for me, anyway) if i could have been her -one-. but, "one" implies only one, and she has her "one" already.

i always wondered/worried about, in the unlikely event that she did want me, having kids. i know eventually she'll want one/some. and despite the challenges (of my advanced age), i looked forward to it. not right away - i (selfishly?) wanted us to have some time alone, time to enjoy each other, get really close, really enjoy life for awhile, first. but the thought of raising a family with her, while a bit scary (again coz of the age thing), was a good one. she will have beautiful children. just not mine/ours.

i saw a couple on an adult site; he was 47, she 29. that bothered me, a lot. why could it work for them and not for us? it's not possible that they could connect any more intensely, any more deeply than B and i, so why is it that -they- get to be together? i just stared at the page, wishing, hurting, lost. why them? why was it okay for them to get together but not us? the obvious answer is because B has already chosen her lover, her partner. it seemed so unfair to be shown "see? it -is- possible. just not for you and not with her. "

now it's another day. another day without her. and lover-me has to go back inside, back to sleep. there's no room in the day for him.