it's darkest before dawn

it's beginning to sink in (although i don't want to believe it and still can't look at the big picture) - I don't belong in her world or her life.

it's as though she's sitting in the middle of a life/emotion continuum. on the one end is her and her life with bf. it's a good life - they have history, money, good prospects for their future. they have friends, family, routine. they have time, energy, toys and perhaps most importantly, they are peers. yet while they share so much in the physical world, she (imho) feels little emotional connection to him. that's not quite true, because she does love him, more than i think, probably, but perhaps less than she thinks. she's loyal to him in many ways. they are a young, handsome couple. the all-american couple in almost every way. her family, his family, their friends - everyone thinks they're perfect together. if there's one thing her family wouldn't understand, it's her with me. but who would? it's too unlikely, too far fetched.

on the other end of the spectrum is her and i. we connect on many intellectual and emotional levels. more levels than either of us knew existed and to greater depths than we've known before. i feel her presence all the time. even when we're not close, we're closer than most people are with their s.o.'s. if she and i were to share a life, the emotional and intellectual (and sexual) stimulation we would share would just be beyond description.

in the physical world, the day to day world of night and weekend activities, i don't belong to her world. my time for being with twenty- and thirty-somethings, of being with a beautiful young woman in the world of bikinis and miniskirts and parties and concerts and swinging and living easy is past. i barely still belong to the world of forty-somethings. i move into the late afternoon/early evening of my life; it's barely lunchtime for her and him.

if i face things realistically, i have to accept that while i might keep her engaged emotionally, sexually (but for how many more years?) and intellectually, she would grow increasingly discontent with our day to day life. even that's not quite right - she would grow increasingly discontent with -me- in our day to day life, until she was as unhappy with me as she is now in her life with bf.

she is on the go, all the time. she works out, runs, constantly does things around the house and the yard. she loves going to sporting events. she's neat and organized. i'm sedentary. where she can do 513 situps before going to bed, i can flip through 513 channels. i haven't been to a sporting event in years. she often wins her fantasy football league. i couldn't name 10 players. i'm lazy and sloppy and my organizational tips usually center around a large bin. she is young and beautiful, athletic and fit. i'm old and average and fat and grey. she loves the way he -acts- on things. they recently, on spur of the moment, painted a house in a day. it would have taken me weeks to get to it. like her, he -acts- and gets things taken care of. i plan, procrastinate, put off until eventually it gets done. i don't think she could tolerate that for long. she likes how able he is, how he can do so many things with his hands. i'm minimally capable. i can muddle through many things, -act- like i know other things. his sureness, confidence and capability (amongst other things) attract her.

he doesn't smother her; i probably would. not with jealousy or possessiveness, but just with affection. she doesn't want to be touchy all the time, or held, or affectionate. i want those things. i want to show my partner all the affection and attraction and love that i feel. she doesn't like to be held or touched after sex or while sleeping. i want to hold my partner (her) after sex, share the quiet intimacy just as we do the sweaty intimacy. i want to hold my partner (her) as we go to sleep, protect her, warm her, embrace her, wrap her in me, let her know that she is treasured, loved, safe. she would grow quickly tired of me and i would probably feel rejected. the sad thing is that i believe (in my fantasy world) that if she were to experience it, feel the true love and affection, that she would grow to like it, want it, hunger for it.

yet there are so many aspects of each of us that seem made to go together. she needs to be in control of daily life, running the household, etc. fine - in fact, i prefer that. she's bright and passionate and practical. we connect in so many ways. she's sexual and sensual and the breadth and depth of our sexual lives would be amazing.

so many things between us just -mesh-.

but , it would seem, it is not our time. or perhaps she's just wiser than i, perhaps she knows what's best. in spite of all that seems wrong in her life with bf, and in spite of all that would seem right in a life with me, she stays with him. i've thought that she doesn't leave him because she loves him more than she admits, or because she can't give up the comfortable life they share, or because she doesn't have the courage/strength to tell him she's done, or because she doesn't want to hurt him. maybe she stays becausee she's smarter than me. maybe the option of her leaving has only ever been an option for her in -my- mind.

i'm going to miss her so much, miss the intimacy, the connection. my friend. my almost lover. -my- perfect partner. if only i could have been hers.

last week i remember thinking that i wish we'd have met 8 years earlier, before she was so entrenched with bf. but the truth of the matter is, she wouldn't have been interested in me then. so, same end result. while she's not interested in me now as a partner, at least we've had this chance to build a friendship and a connection that's unique, at least in my experience.

and it will end because it will become too much guilt, too hard to maintain this secret relationship, too much not worth the risk to her life and love with him. and when she goes, she'll take my heart with her. but that's okay - it's hers. i gave it to her willingly long ago. she won it, long ago. that part of me could never go to anyone else - it's hers.

in the future, when she's hauling the kids around, doing the pta thing, still running her business as well as managing his... maybe while rummaging through the attic for something she'll run across it, stored away somewhere in the memorabilia box and maybe she'll smile, remembering. i hope she remembers me fondly, not as that old guy who thought he could win her and almost fucked up her life with bf, not as a mistake that almost cost her her husband, her future, her beautiful life.