rationalization

i was positive, POSITIVE that this time the answer would be yes.

i was sure. i listened in my head, imagining what it would be like to hear those words in her voice... "come see me" or "i want to meet you". sweet sounds.

i was positive.

instead, i will spend the day trying not to dwell on what i don't have, what i can't have. fighting myself on a minute by minute basis to not hop in the car and drive to her.... just to be close.

i was sure. i just knew it was gonna be this time, just knew it.

her heart still belongs to him. her mind. her self.

still.

and in the middle of pain and desperation and loneliness and hopelessness i still hope, irrationally and beyond reason, hope against hope, against all odds, against all that i see, i still hope that she might someday want to see me. might want me.

i was sure.

top of the ninth, two minutes left in the game, bottom of the fourth period....
score:
bf: 23,352 with infinite timeouts left, unlimited resources, access to the judges and refs...
me: 0 no timeouts left, no reserve players, the out of town pariah

things are not looking good for the visitors. the home team has been a favorite for too long.

he doesn't even know there's a game on. maybe there's not. more like an exhibition game, where the World Champs play the local little league team. no competition.

i was sure.

rationalization. self-delusion. all the things we do to tell ourselves that yes, we really do have a chance with the prom queen, the cheerleader, the beauty queen, the gorgeous woman at the bar. what every 40-something year old man employs when they tell themselves that yes, the 20-something year old beauty really does want me. i'm desireable. i'm not (that) fat. i'm not (that) old, not (that) much older than her. maybe she really does like older men.

i was so sure.