the future of the future

i'll be having a birthday soon. again. fuck.

another year passed without her. will this be yet another?

probably.

if she wanted to meet half as bad as i do, how can she not do it? how can she even -stand- to know that during one of my visits to the state that during those couple of days that we have the best opportunity to get together, even just for lunch. even just to say hi, meet, see each other, spend a few minutes in each others' company. how can she stand to know that and not act on it? how does it not pull her every single minute like it does me?

if she feels it, if she wants it, how can she say no? guess that's kind of an answer, isn't it?

how can it happen that my -one- feels the same way i do, just not about me?

if i'm not going to have her, and i most likely won't, maybe there won't be too many more birthdays to suffer through alone.

i remember reading a study some time ago that found that happy people, people in love and living with the one they love live longer and are happier (duh). people who were unhappy or lived alone died sooner.

wonder if i'll make it to monday?