jumbled

why do i get panicky? i know she's there.

we respond so very differently to the same things.

when she's feeling close, she's content to be silent, to check in occasionally to just say "hi". there's an ?easy? feel to it. she says "hi" or sends me a kiss or a smile. when we talk she's light and ?easy?.

when i'm feeling close i want her closer, want her more often, want to say -something- to let her know what she is to me (everything) and how i feel about her (love beyond description) and how i want her (with every fiber of my being). i want her closer, closer, closer.

she's going out tonight with him. she says just regular friday night outing, but it'll turn into a St. Patty's day thing. they'll probably meet friends, visit a couple of bars, or close one down. spend quality time together. and water sports tomorrow or sunday. weekend time. time spend doing what lovers, partners, couples do on the weekends. together. her, with him. my love - with her lover.

whew.

i wish today wasn't friday. just three more hours (or less) before i have to let her go home to her life, their home, him, for the weekend.

gotta breathe.

it's so hard to let her go. every night. every weekend.

but in reality, i guess i'm not "letting her go". she's not mine to let go. have to get that straight in my head. and in my heart. she's his. she belongs to that life, not mine. there's no "ours". my friend, but his lover, his partner.

just hours. 69 of 'em - until she comes back on monday. reconnects with her friend. i'll ask her what her weekend was like. she'll say it was the usual.

just another boring weekend.

in her life. her life with him.

i can't remember a weekend where i haven't been waiting for her. ever since the first day, even before the first phones, before our saturday talks, i've spent weekends waiting for monday.

so i could have her in my life again. however much she'll let me have.

what would it be like to not have to wait for her anymore? to talk to her and know that i was gonna see her in a few minutes? to know that the first thing i'd see tomorrow morning would be her lying next to me? the ultimate dream.

but i'll still wait for her return. starting today, about 2 seconds after she says goodbye.