no vacancy. can't breathe.

sitting in silence, almost all day. she busy again. still. always will be. from now on.

she has more to do than ever. more demands on her time from him, from work, from life. even from me. i didn't think mine were "demands", but i can see why she feels them as such. it's not even that i want -more- i just want to stop losing. i'm the lowest priority so when bf, or work, or life needs more of her time, she takes it from wherever she can find spare time. from us.

there's not enough time in her day for the life they've built together, much less anything extra. no room in her life for anyone extra. i know (at least, i feel) that she holds me in a place in her heart.

i thought that meant her heart was for me. but he's been slowly reclaiming his rightful place there.

=====

i remember talking to my ex during our separation. i remember saying that "...in two years i haven't felt any compelling need to come back...". it seemed to so clearly say what i was thinking. it never even occurred to me that i might be on the receiving end of that same sentiment - "...in two and a half years B hasn't felt any compelling need to be with me...". if anything, the thought of leaving him is one she can't contemplate.

i never wanted to be the World Champion anything, nor the Worlds' Best whatever. i never cared if i was the best at anything, or first, or biggest or whatever.

but i did want to be to her what she is to me.

i wish i was.