nice job, me

i've been freaking out about my trip. she told me (again) that she's not interested in meeting me this trip. my charm and charisma are clearly working. (at least as well as they have for the last 2.5 years). you'd think i'd get the picture already.

tried changing my flight to go tomorrow instead of tonight. that way she might feel a little safer. and i wouldn't have a whole day with nothing to do but want to see her. i know that as the time draws nearer that she gets very apprehensive. she won't admit it but me being in the same state scares her. she's afraid i'll come to her area, afraid of me. fear of me - what a great foundation for a relationship. but then "a relationship" is what -i- want; she has one already.

g-d, you'd think i could get that through my head. that's what love will do to ya. makes ya think "i love her, therefore she loves me; how could she not?". makes ya think that since -i- want it/this/something so much that she must too. makes ya ignore reality, downplay the fact that she has a partner of 8 years, that happy or not, she's made no move toward leaving before nor is she so inclined now. she won't even -meet- me, what makes me think she would want to be my lover much less be -with- me?

it tears me apart, rips my heart to shreds to go there and know she doesn't want to see me, won't see me. knowing that my presence upsets her, scares her, makes her want to hide and to actively avoid me doesn't help much.

everyone needs someone like me in their life.