fuck up #3,620

again. i did it again. but i swear it's not because i'm stupid, or because i don't care about her or because i'm determined to break her relationship.

i did it because i care.

i didn't intend to get us into that kind of discussion again; we just sort of gravitated there.

at this point, i've accepted that she doesn't want to be with me. what i haven't accepted is that she's willing to settle for a relationship that's so much less than what she wants.

i think the thought of saying the words to change her situation is a big hurdle for her, possibly at least as big as actually making the decision. and, i've learned that things "think" different, sound different, feel different once they're vocalized. so, i wanted her to practice saying some things, just to remove the ?hugeness? of the phrases, to vocalize them, to make them more manageable.

i'm sure she thought i was trying to stack the deck against bf and her relationship with him. (like that's even possible - she gives him so much advantage over me and over her own choosing that it's no contest). but to be honest, i was playing both sides of the field.

i wanted her to think about and then to say four things, to herself, in a mirror. i wanted her to think it though beforehand, think through what she was going to say, her reasons, etc., and then to think about what the situation would be like, how it would play out, what he'd say or what i'd say. by doing so, she could get a feel for how each option ?felt? to her. and maybe that would shed some light on her own emotions and feelings, give her another perspective on her own feelings.

i wanted her to talk through four things:
1. think about when was the last time she looked at bf and felt that pang in her heart and -wanted- to tell him how much she loved him.
2. break up with him. tell him why she's breaking up and why she's leaving.
3. break up with me. tell me why then tell me goodbye.
4. tell me she loves me.

it wasn't quite that well thought out of a plan. the questions were scribbled on a sheet of paper in between conversations. my whole thought was that if she'd vocalize each situation, maybe it'd remove some of the ?fear? she might have about any one of those situations. or maybe it'd shake loose some thoughts that maybe she didn't even know she was having.

in reality, i asked her to do #4 first. she doesn't respond well to things like that - like "tell me you love me". but because we were having a pretty frank and honest conversation, i thought that was actually the easiest one to start with. i believe she does love me - so i thought, given the feel of our talk, that that'd be fairly easy for her to do.

when she couldn't or wouldn't do that one, i knew there was no way she'd ever do the others.

she can't even contemplate leaving him. can't even fathom having a better relationship.

i want to help her, but she doesn't want any help. in her own way, for her own reasons, she's in the relationship she wants.

and then, the bombshell. in november i had a feeling i would wind up being right. i wish i wasn't. she told me that she's -not- really been evaluating whether or not this life is the life she wants. it's eased up, some of the pressure from him has lessened, time has gone by, tensions at home have leveled off. and as i predicted, she's finding that state not so bad. so there's no impetus for her to examine things, because they're tolerable. and she can climb further into her shell and numb her mind and hide her sexuality and live the rest of her life in a relationship that's "not so bad".

the frog in the beaker.

and now i know that i've lost.

and, imho, she's lost too. she's giving up the chance of anything better because the 'mediocre' she has doesn't seem so bad. because it's easy. because she can stay in control of the situation. because she doesn't love so much that she might "need" someone in her life, someone who might leave her later.

i had a lot of time to think this past week and an old thought came back to me as i was trying to figure out my future. i don't want to die; i just don't want to live. i don't see a point. single people want to find that great relationship, that special person so they can have that partnership with -the one-. and you keep going because you never know who that one is or where you might meet them or when.

but what if you've already found -the one- and been turned down? been found lacking?

do you go on with lowered expectations and lowered hopes, knowing that at best you'll find someone that you could settle for?

what the fuck is the point of that?

my hope is dead. my heart beats on and still loves her - it just doesn't understand, and couldn't do anything else anyway. and now i just have to wait for the body to join the hope.

and mourn the loss of her everyday.