liar. liar. liar.

i guess the bottom line is: i'm a jerk. a liar. a fake.

i say, all the time, that all i want is for her to be happy, that i want her to get back to a good relationship with bf. she is, after all, with him. loves him, lives with him. shows no inclination toward leaving.

so when i ask her how her (their) weekend was, and she tells me the things she did, why am i not happy?

her weekend is the stuff that great relationships are made of. quiet dinner out, nice evening, sleep late, shared activities, quiet evening, a day spent in the sun kicking back, doing nothing but enjoying where they live and some quiet, pleasant time spent together. exactly the sort of weekend that partners should spend together, exactly the kind of weekend that they should look back on and say "now, that was great time we spent together".

so when i hear her describe the weekend (the weekend i would like to have with her), why am i not happy? i am happy, some. happy because it shows me that things have gotten a little better at home and they seem to be on the right track to getting it back together. and i'm not - for the same reason. because obviously, them continuing on the right track to making it work again means that they're on the right track to removing me from her life and her (or the possibility of her, if that even exists anymore) from mine.

Bottom line is it's hard to be truly selfless. even if the thing you want is to make the most important person in your world happy, to do so knowing that it brings with it the most unwanted, most hated, most feared thing in your world, is still hard. impossibly hard.