tick

tick. and dawn is that much closer. one inexorable moment closer to that day.

in blackjack, you can win, lose or push. in life, a win would be for her to want me, to want to be with me, and to make the choice to do so. a lose would be for her to turn her back on me, go back to him and never be in contact again. it's obvious i'm not gonna win; he's too important to her, their life together is too good. i don't think i'm gonna lose - i must bring something to her life (despite all the negatives i bring along).

so, it's a push. i don't get her, but i do get to talk to her. alas, part of the conditions of the draw is that i have to help her get back her relationship with him. i have to pull back all of the me that wants to have her, put that away, put it to sleep. that part of me is like the hillbilly relative at a black tie affair - everyone knows he's there, but no one wants him at their table, so we'll just not talk about him, pretend he doesn't exist. and even though i will always want her, always secretly hope that she wants me, it's time for him to go away. he's only causing trouble here anyway.

while it's sad for me, hopefully it'll be good for her and for us. with all the ?rivalry? from me gone, maybe we can get back all that we had. the trick will be to keep up ?appearances? (that sounds deceptive... ?stay strong?) when i'm "with" her, make sure she doesn't feel any pull from that side of me. with that distraction gone, she'll feel free to work on rebuilding her relationship with him.

and i have to help. i'm her friend, so of course i would help in whatever way possible to help her regain all she's lost. it is her most important relationship, her chosen love & life relationship.
it will remove so much stress from her life and it will let her be happy again with her choice, so of course i would. and will. and the happiness i'll get from hearing her be happy in her life again will offset my loss and my pain.

it will be a learning curve. we were talking yesterday about an upcoming event she's going to with him. i was really interested in her (their) plans: are they taking a limo, going with other friends, what's she gonna wear (it's an event where she'd usually dress very sexy). i was really interested in hearing what my friend and her man were gonna do. yet as i started to ask her what she was going to wear, the lover/loser side of me popped free for a second and let the implications of that question slice through my heart like a knife. in that second, all my loss, all that i've never and will never experience with her slammed through me and i couldn't finish my question. i just sat, stunned, shocked, crushed.

i recovered, mostly. we continued talking. and we flowed, freely. friends talking. it was great. and then bf came forward again and stood, mocking me, making me acknowledge that he, not i, has her heart, her attention, her affection, her loyalty, her love. he turned my attention to the clock. and i had to tell her that it was late, that she had to go. because if she didn't, he'd make her life more difficult. and, he told me, "she's coming home to me anyway, now or ten minutes from now, it doesn't matter, because she's coming home to me."

and so, after precious few minutes of talking, our first real talk in five days, i had to tell her she had to go. we finally get a few good minutes to talk and laugh and be together; and i have to tell her to go home to him. but it makes her happy for me to do so. and if it makes her happy, then it's worth it.

and as i sat last night thinking about it i realized that by keeping my pain buried during the time we have together, then we can have better times together. and with as little time as we get, that's important. and as it turns out, keeping it all in until late at night and then letting it all out at one time is ?better? somehow. it's still as much hurt as ever, maybe even more, but controlling its release and letting it all out at once actually seemed better somehow. like maybe it all gets out instead of staying inside, eating at me. it still hurts, and i'll never get over not having her, but at least for a little while (because it will be back tomorrow), i'm at peace with it, for a little while i can accept that i lost.

and during those minutes of ?resigned acceptance? (such a strange time/feeling too - to have all the hurt and pain there, to be able to see and feel the loss of her, but to at least feel that by having things this way that she'll get back to a happier life with him and then she'll be happier period), i feel like maybe i can finally have a good impact on her life. and that's the best i can do. i won't get the girl, but i get to see the girl be happy again.

tick. one moment closer to getting her back into her life.