how

how am i gonna do this?

i can't have her, more than likely i won't have her. so waiting doesn't make sense.

i can't move on either. i don't want to.

i don't want to admit that she doesn't want me, won't meet me, won't have me.

to admit it, to acknowledge the truth of how it is, is too much. if we don't talk about it, i can at least in my mind continue to make myself believe, a little. and a little is maybe all i need to keep my sanity, to not completely lose all hope.

because without hope... what is there?