i have some way with words

great. i seem to have some smooth way with words.

we were having a good talk - relaxed, casual, easy. the subject of her upcoming anniversary came up. soon afterwards, i wrote her an email about it. i tried to be explanatory and truthful.

she thought it was a big "fuck you". great.

and there's so many other things i want to ask her, talk to her about that are even more ?sensitive?. how the fuck am i gonna be able to bring those up?

how do i ask her..
- if she stays, what happens to us? do we end? do topics (like sex, intimacy) stop, just come to an end, off limits?

- if she stays, does that mean that there's never a chance for us to be lovers? we always envisioned the possibility that we might be long term lovers.. for life even. even if we're not together.

- if she stays, does that mean we'll never meet?

- if she stays, does that mean that all that we've been to each other, all that we've learned about each other and ourselves, is just gone? as though it never existed? or was it only in my mind?

- if she stays, it's not because you didn't/don't love me, is it? just that you love him and your life their more?

- do you want me B?

- do you understand that i'm facing the end of everything i wanted for my future? that even though you haven't decided yet, things don't look good for me? can you even guess what that feels like? the despair and the pain that are with me, sitting on my heart, waiting to hear what you've decided?


fuck.

losing her is gonna hurt so much. the thought of it and living with it for so long has been more painful than i ever knew anything could be. if and when she leaves, how will i be able to survive that loss?