so close. and so far. not even sure you can get there from here

we had a really close talk yesterday. well, she talked to me, really really frankly.

i'm still trying to sort us out. yet all roads still lead to rome. (that is, -not- to her...). but what happens when i figure it out (if i do)? it's not like i'm gonna have some revelation that's gonna make -her- decide she wants me. she has to do that. and as she's explained, time and again, there's no rush for her to do that, no feeling of urgency, no impetus to change. NOTHING i do makes a difference - i can only push her further away. nothing i do can or will draw her closer. she has to -want- to be closer. and she's quite content where she is.

it's obvious we both get something we need from the other. it's also pretty apparent that what we need (from the other) isn't the same thing for each of us.

i have a pretty good idea of what i get from her. friendship, love, understanding. connection. i don't know why talking to her is so much "more" than talking to anyone else - it just is. maybe because of all we've shared, maybe because we know so much about the other person, what lies behind the voice and the words. she understands me. she knows my tastes, my wants, my fears. she is the person i want to love, that i want to please, that i want to cherish. from her i get ?all? (probably not, certainly not at one time, but for sure the vast majority) of my emotional needs, those that are "friend" specific (and so much more than what most people call friends) and those that are deep emotional - those that lovers and partners would share.

at first, i thought i knew what she got from me. it was easy actually, i thought she (wanted and ) got the same things that i got from her.

that's not quite accurate though. clearly she gets from me those friend & companionship things that she can't get from her relationship. things like understanding, knowing, relating, being aware of her wants and needs and sensitivities. helping her explore and learn about her own sexuality and desires. things as simple as letting her rant about something stupid at work to spending hours talking about nothing and everything (when we had that kind of time, a long time ago).

my big mistake (one of who knows how many) was assuming that -i- was the one who met her companionship/partner/relationship needs. there was such hunger from both of us for the friendship things that neither of us was getting from elsewhere, that we nearly gorged on our relationship. because -i- needed the relationship things from her (and was getting some of them) i never questioned whether or not she needed or wanted those things from me.

i should have.

obviously (well, not to me) she was getting and continues to get those needs met at home, in her relationship with bf. and not just -met-, but -fulfilled-. exceedingly well. completely. i didn't understand, of course, because i was blinded by what -i- wanted. i thought she was just in love with the house on the water, the boat, the toys, the financial security. but it wasn't just those, or the hot bod. clearly, that relationship gave her, and continues to give her, what she needs in a partnership/relationship.

now it makes a little more sense (hindsight and all that). all her relationship needs were already being met, just not her connection/friendship needs. she found she was able to get those from me. while i wanted to meet all her needs, for her to do so would mean changing relationships. why should she? she'd lose a lot and gain nothing.

i just didn't understand that a person doesn't -need- to get all those needs met from one person. i suspect that people with lots of friends and family get parts of their needs met from everyone they let into their life. seems so obvious now. in many ways, having different needs met by different people might be the best solution.

unfortunately for me, it means i can't be to her what i want to be; what i thought she wanted me to be. and because i was trying to be to her what -i- thought she wanted me to be, i wasn't being to her what she did want me to be.

wrong again, self. yet another in a long chain of self-lies, self-delusions, grandiose wishes and non-acceptance of the facts.

and she even told me, again and again. just not in plain enough words. or more likely, i just chose to not hear her.

either way, i lose.