i'm not sure why but i'm having a really bad feeling about this upcoming week. i'm going away for a few days.
i'm scared.
i have a really bad feeling about this.
i hope i'm wrong
i pray i'm wrong
Friday, March 24, 2006
work in progress
i want to write to her, for her. i feel the ?need? to explain, lay out, detail my feelings, my wants, my desires, my wishes, my hopes, everything in some way. for her. so she'll know and understand.
but what do i say that i haven't said or tried to say a thousand times already?
she knows me already. knows -me-. knows my heart.
none of that knowledge has broken her barriers, lessened her desire to be where she is or made her want to be with me. why would i think that i could do any better this time, and why would i think this might have a better result?
i am -here-.
she's not.
but what do i say that i haven't said or tried to say a thousand times already?
she knows me already. knows -me-. knows my heart.
none of that knowledge has broken her barriers, lessened her desire to be where she is or made her want to be with me. why would i think that i could do any better this time, and why would i think this might have a better result?
i am -here-.
she's not.
the future of the future
i'll be having a birthday soon. again. fuck.
another year passed without her. will this be yet another?
probably.
if she wanted to meet half as bad as i do, how can she not do it? how can she even -stand- to know that during one of my visits to the state that during those couple of days that we have the best opportunity to get together, even just for lunch. even just to say hi, meet, see each other, spend a few minutes in each others' company. how can she stand to know that and not act on it? how does it not pull her every single minute like it does me?
if she feels it, if she wants it, how can she say no? guess that's kind of an answer, isn't it?
how can it happen that my -one- feels the same way i do, just not about me?
if i'm not going to have her, and i most likely won't, maybe there won't be too many more birthdays to suffer through alone.
i remember reading a study some time ago that found that happy people, people in love and living with the one they love live longer and are happier (duh). people who were unhappy or lived alone died sooner.
wonder if i'll make it to monday?
another year passed without her. will this be yet another?
probably.
if she wanted to meet half as bad as i do, how can she not do it? how can she even -stand- to know that during one of my visits to the state that during those couple of days that we have the best opportunity to get together, even just for lunch. even just to say hi, meet, see each other, spend a few minutes in each others' company. how can she stand to know that and not act on it? how does it not pull her every single minute like it does me?
if she feels it, if she wants it, how can she say no? guess that's kind of an answer, isn't it?
how can it happen that my -one- feels the same way i do, just not about me?
if i'm not going to have her, and i most likely won't, maybe there won't be too many more birthdays to suffer through alone.
i remember reading a study some time ago that found that happy people, people in love and living with the one they love live longer and are happier (duh). people who were unhappy or lived alone died sooner.
wonder if i'll make it to monday?
Thursday, March 23, 2006
how
how am i gonna do this?
i can't have her, more than likely i won't have her. so waiting doesn't make sense.
i can't move on either. i don't want to.
i don't want to admit that she doesn't want me, won't meet me, won't have me.
to admit it, to acknowledge the truth of how it is, is too much. if we don't talk about it, i can at least in my mind continue to make myself believe, a little. and a little is maybe all i need to keep my sanity, to not completely lose all hope.
because without hope... what is there?
i can't have her, more than likely i won't have her. so waiting doesn't make sense.
i can't move on either. i don't want to.
i don't want to admit that she doesn't want me, won't meet me, won't have me.
to admit it, to acknowledge the truth of how it is, is too much. if we don't talk about it, i can at least in my mind continue to make myself believe, a little. and a little is maybe all i need to keep my sanity, to not completely lose all hope.
because without hope... what is there?
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
so close. and so far. not even sure you can get there from here
we had a really close talk yesterday. well, she talked to me, really really frankly.
i'm still trying to sort us out. yet all roads still lead to rome. (that is, -not- to her...). but what happens when i figure it out (if i do)? it's not like i'm gonna have some revelation that's gonna make -her- decide she wants me. she has to do that. and as she's explained, time and again, there's no rush for her to do that, no feeling of urgency, no impetus to change. NOTHING i do makes a difference - i can only push her further away. nothing i do can or will draw her closer. she has to -want- to be closer. and she's quite content where she is.
it's obvious we both get something we need from the other. it's also pretty apparent that what we need (from the other) isn't the same thing for each of us.
i have a pretty good idea of what i get from her. friendship, love, understanding. connection. i don't know why talking to her is so much "more" than talking to anyone else - it just is. maybe because of all we've shared, maybe because we know so much about the other person, what lies behind the voice and the words. she understands me. she knows my tastes, my wants, my fears. she is the person i want to love, that i want to please, that i want to cherish. from her i get ?all? (probably not, certainly not at one time, but for sure the vast majority) of my emotional needs, those that are "friend" specific (and so much more than what most people call friends) and those that are deep emotional - those that lovers and partners would share.
at first, i thought i knew what she got from me. it was easy actually, i thought she (wanted and ) got the same things that i got from her.
that's not quite accurate though. clearly she gets from me those friend & companionship things that she can't get from her relationship. things like understanding, knowing, relating, being aware of her wants and needs and sensitivities. helping her explore and learn about her own sexuality and desires. things as simple as letting her rant about something stupid at work to spending hours talking about nothing and everything (when we had that kind of time, a long time ago).
my big mistake (one of who knows how many) was assuming that -i- was the one who met her companionship/partner/relationship needs. there was such hunger from both of us for the friendship things that neither of us was getting from elsewhere, that we nearly gorged on our relationship. because -i- needed the relationship things from her (and was getting some of them) i never questioned whether or not she needed or wanted those things from me.
i should have.
obviously (well, not to me) she was getting and continues to get those needs met at home, in her relationship with bf. and not just -met-, but -fulfilled-. exceedingly well. completely. i didn't understand, of course, because i was blinded by what -i- wanted. i thought she was just in love with the house on the water, the boat, the toys, the financial security. but it wasn't just those, or the hot bod. clearly, that relationship gave her, and continues to give her, what she needs in a partnership/relationship.
now it makes a little more sense (hindsight and all that). all her relationship needs were already being met, just not her connection/friendship needs. she found she was able to get those from me. while i wanted to meet all her needs, for her to do so would mean changing relationships. why should she? she'd lose a lot and gain nothing.
i just didn't understand that a person doesn't -need- to get all those needs met from one person. i suspect that people with lots of friends and family get parts of their needs met from everyone they let into their life. seems so obvious now. in many ways, having different needs met by different people might be the best solution.
unfortunately for me, it means i can't be to her what i want to be; what i thought she wanted me to be. and because i was trying to be to her what -i- thought she wanted me to be, i wasn't being to her what she did want me to be.
wrong again, self. yet another in a long chain of self-lies, self-delusions, grandiose wishes and non-acceptance of the facts.
and she even told me, again and again. just not in plain enough words. or more likely, i just chose to not hear her.
either way, i lose.
i'm still trying to sort us out. yet all roads still lead to rome. (that is, -not- to her...). but what happens when i figure it out (if i do)? it's not like i'm gonna have some revelation that's gonna make -her- decide she wants me. she has to do that. and as she's explained, time and again, there's no rush for her to do that, no feeling of urgency, no impetus to change. NOTHING i do makes a difference - i can only push her further away. nothing i do can or will draw her closer. she has to -want- to be closer. and she's quite content where she is.
it's obvious we both get something we need from the other. it's also pretty apparent that what we need (from the other) isn't the same thing for each of us.
i have a pretty good idea of what i get from her. friendship, love, understanding. connection. i don't know why talking to her is so much "more" than talking to anyone else - it just is. maybe because of all we've shared, maybe because we know so much about the other person, what lies behind the voice and the words. she understands me. she knows my tastes, my wants, my fears. she is the person i want to love, that i want to please, that i want to cherish. from her i get ?all? (probably not, certainly not at one time, but for sure the vast majority) of my emotional needs, those that are "friend" specific (and so much more than what most people call friends) and those that are deep emotional - those that lovers and partners would share.
at first, i thought i knew what she got from me. it was easy actually, i thought she (wanted and ) got the same things that i got from her.
that's not quite accurate though. clearly she gets from me those friend & companionship things that she can't get from her relationship. things like understanding, knowing, relating, being aware of her wants and needs and sensitivities. helping her explore and learn about her own sexuality and desires. things as simple as letting her rant about something stupid at work to spending hours talking about nothing and everything (when we had that kind of time, a long time ago).
my big mistake (one of who knows how many) was assuming that -i- was the one who met her companionship/partner/relationship needs. there was such hunger from both of us for the friendship things that neither of us was getting from elsewhere, that we nearly gorged on our relationship. because -i- needed the relationship things from her (and was getting some of them) i never questioned whether or not she needed or wanted those things from me.
i should have.
obviously (well, not to me) she was getting and continues to get those needs met at home, in her relationship with bf. and not just -met-, but -fulfilled-. exceedingly well. completely. i didn't understand, of course, because i was blinded by what -i- wanted. i thought she was just in love with the house on the water, the boat, the toys, the financial security. but it wasn't just those, or the hot bod. clearly, that relationship gave her, and continues to give her, what she needs in a partnership/relationship.
now it makes a little more sense (hindsight and all that). all her relationship needs were already being met, just not her connection/friendship needs. she found she was able to get those from me. while i wanted to meet all her needs, for her to do so would mean changing relationships. why should she? she'd lose a lot and gain nothing.
i just didn't understand that a person doesn't -need- to get all those needs met from one person. i suspect that people with lots of friends and family get parts of their needs met from everyone they let into their life. seems so obvious now. in many ways, having different needs met by different people might be the best solution.
unfortunately for me, it means i can't be to her what i want to be; what i thought she wanted me to be. and because i was trying to be to her what -i- thought she wanted me to be, i wasn't being to her what she did want me to be.
wrong again, self. yet another in a long chain of self-lies, self-delusions, grandiose wishes and non-acceptance of the facts.
and she even told me, again and again. just not in plain enough words. or more likely, i just chose to not hear her.
either way, i lose.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
gone
it's amazing how quickly hope is lost. or found.
it takes so long for reality to set in. months and months, fighting it all the time. then you give it a little credence - "huh, maybe this is the way it really is". and that sits a little while. but it's not inert, it works quietly, insiduously weakening the foundation on which your version of reality is built.
first just a couple of chips or cracks here or there. but they're easy to overlook or explain away (rationalize away) because nothings' perfect, right?
and then with astonishing speed, it's in ashes in a pile around your feet. everything you wanted. everything you hoped for. everything you cared about.
gone.
my long time friend is going to a beach for a week and asked if i wanted to come along. my first thought was that i couldn't be away from her for that long. then that i couldn't afford the time off of work. then i wondered wtf, it's only money; a few extra days' pay isn't gonna delay the inevitable that long. when i hung up with him, i couldn't put my finger on why i wasn't more interested in going.
first, it'd put me within a days' drive of B. she doesn't want that and i'd feel her pull the whole time. second, spending five days drunk on the beach, while it -should- be appealing, isn't right now. i don't deserve anything - no pleasure, no pain, no distraction. my punishment is to just exist. alone.
this morning when the alarm rang, another reason occured to me. i lay there looking at the clock and wondered "wtf am i doing? why am i bothering to go in? why work? why -anything-? i really don't give a shit, either way. work or not work. make a living or live in the street. "
i'm not sure it matters anymore, at least, not to me.
it should, i guess. she'll still be around to talk to, although she'll tell me less and less of her life, as she gets back closer to him. and she'll ask about my life, but how do i tell her that my life has nothing worth talking about, other than her? how do i tell her that my life is long periods of nothing i care about spent waiting for a few minutes to spend with her?
and now those few minutes are all i'll ever have.
it takes so long for reality to set in. months and months, fighting it all the time. then you give it a little credence - "huh, maybe this is the way it really is". and that sits a little while. but it's not inert, it works quietly, insiduously weakening the foundation on which your version of reality is built.
first just a couple of chips or cracks here or there. but they're easy to overlook or explain away (rationalize away) because nothings' perfect, right?
and then with astonishing speed, it's in ashes in a pile around your feet. everything you wanted. everything you hoped for. everything you cared about.
gone.
my long time friend is going to a beach for a week and asked if i wanted to come along. my first thought was that i couldn't be away from her for that long. then that i couldn't afford the time off of work. then i wondered wtf, it's only money; a few extra days' pay isn't gonna delay the inevitable that long. when i hung up with him, i couldn't put my finger on why i wasn't more interested in going.
first, it'd put me within a days' drive of B. she doesn't want that and i'd feel her pull the whole time. second, spending five days drunk on the beach, while it -should- be appealing, isn't right now. i don't deserve anything - no pleasure, no pain, no distraction. my punishment is to just exist. alone.
this morning when the alarm rang, another reason occured to me. i lay there looking at the clock and wondered "wtf am i doing? why am i bothering to go in? why work? why -anything-? i really don't give a shit, either way. work or not work. make a living or live in the street. "
i'm not sure it matters anymore, at least, not to me.
it should, i guess. she'll still be around to talk to, although she'll tell me less and less of her life, as she gets back closer to him. and she'll ask about my life, but how do i tell her that my life has nothing worth talking about, other than her? how do i tell her that my life is long periods of nothing i care about spent waiting for a few minutes to spend with her?
and now those few minutes are all i'll ever have.
Monday, March 20, 2006
liar. liar. liar.
i guess the bottom line is: i'm a jerk. a liar. a fake.
i say, all the time, that all i want is for her to be happy, that i want her to get back to a good relationship with bf. she is, after all, with him. loves him, lives with him. shows no inclination toward leaving.
so when i ask her how her (their) weekend was, and she tells me the things she did, why am i not happy?
her weekend is the stuff that great relationships are made of. quiet dinner out, nice evening, sleep late, shared activities, quiet evening, a day spent in the sun kicking back, doing nothing but enjoying where they live and some quiet, pleasant time spent together. exactly the sort of weekend that partners should spend together, exactly the kind of weekend that they should look back on and say "now, that was great time we spent together".
so when i hear her describe the weekend (the weekend i would like to have with her), why am i not happy? i am happy, some. happy because it shows me that things have gotten a little better at home and they seem to be on the right track to getting it back together. and i'm not - for the same reason. because obviously, them continuing on the right track to making it work again means that they're on the right track to removing me from her life and her (or the possibility of her, if that even exists anymore) from mine.
Bottom line is it's hard to be truly selfless. even if the thing you want is to make the most important person in your world happy, to do so knowing that it brings with it the most unwanted, most hated, most feared thing in your world, is still hard. impossibly hard.
i say, all the time, that all i want is for her to be happy, that i want her to get back to a good relationship with bf. she is, after all, with him. loves him, lives with him. shows no inclination toward leaving.
so when i ask her how her (their) weekend was, and she tells me the things she did, why am i not happy?
her weekend is the stuff that great relationships are made of. quiet dinner out, nice evening, sleep late, shared activities, quiet evening, a day spent in the sun kicking back, doing nothing but enjoying where they live and some quiet, pleasant time spent together. exactly the sort of weekend that partners should spend together, exactly the kind of weekend that they should look back on and say "now, that was great time we spent together".
so when i hear her describe the weekend (the weekend i would like to have with her), why am i not happy? i am happy, some. happy because it shows me that things have gotten a little better at home and they seem to be on the right track to getting it back together. and i'm not - for the same reason. because obviously, them continuing on the right track to making it work again means that they're on the right track to removing me from her life and her (or the possibility of her, if that even exists anymore) from mine.
Bottom line is it's hard to be truly selfless. even if the thing you want is to make the most important person in your world happy, to do so knowing that it brings with it the most unwanted, most hated, most feared thing in your world, is still hard. impossibly hard.
situational
situational. everything is situational.
monday mornings i can't wait till she comes back. i can't wait to talk to my friend, my best friend, the one that knows me so well. i can't wait to talk to her again. and in a way, it's sad - because of the situation. the situation being that she loves someone else, lives with someone else. it could be so awesome; in many ways -is- so awesome. she comes back, (unbelieveably) calls me again. it is awesome. except for the tiny little detail that her situation is that she's in a life that already has a male lead in it.
her weekend was the weekend i dream of, with all the things that i dream of. dinner out. afternoon spent sharing an interest. another quiet evening. sleep late. an all day, in the shade, kick back, be easy, lazy, no pressures, no plans, nothing else to do kinda day, spent with ones' partner. the situation? it wasn't -my- day, i wasn't the one she spent it with.
monday mornings i can't wait till she comes back. i can't wait to talk to my friend, my best friend, the one that knows me so well. i can't wait to talk to her again. and in a way, it's sad - because of the situation. the situation being that she loves someone else, lives with someone else. it could be so awesome; in many ways -is- so awesome. she comes back, (unbelieveably) calls me again. it is awesome. except for the tiny little detail that her situation is that she's in a life that already has a male lead in it.
her weekend was the weekend i dream of, with all the things that i dream of. dinner out. afternoon spent sharing an interest. another quiet evening. sleep late. an all day, in the shade, kick back, be easy, lazy, no pressures, no plans, nothing else to do kinda day, spent with ones' partner. the situation? it wasn't -my- day, i wasn't the one she spent it with.
Friday, March 17, 2006
jumbled
why do i get panicky? i know she's there.
we respond so very differently to the same things.
when she's feeling close, she's content to be silent, to check in occasionally to just say "hi". there's an ?easy? feel to it. she says "hi" or sends me a kiss or a smile. when we talk she's light and ?easy?.
when i'm feeling close i want her closer, want her more often, want to say -something- to let her know what she is to me (everything) and how i feel about her (love beyond description) and how i want her (with every fiber of my being). i want her closer, closer, closer.
she's going out tonight with him. she says just regular friday night outing, but it'll turn into a St. Patty's day thing. they'll probably meet friends, visit a couple of bars, or close one down. spend quality time together. and water sports tomorrow or sunday. weekend time. time spend doing what lovers, partners, couples do on the weekends. together. her, with him. my love - with her lover.
whew.
i wish today wasn't friday. just three more hours (or less) before i have to let her go home to her life, their home, him, for the weekend.
gotta breathe.
it's so hard to let her go. every night. every weekend.
but in reality, i guess i'm not "letting her go". she's not mine to let go. have to get that straight in my head. and in my heart. she's his. she belongs to that life, not mine. there's no "ours". my friend, but his lover, his partner.
just hours. 69 of 'em - until she comes back on monday. reconnects with her friend. i'll ask her what her weekend was like. she'll say it was the usual.
just another boring weekend.
in her life. her life with him.
i can't remember a weekend where i haven't been waiting for her. ever since the first day, even before the first phones, before our saturday talks, i've spent weekends waiting for monday.
so i could have her in my life again. however much she'll let me have.
what would it be like to not have to wait for her anymore? to talk to her and know that i was gonna see her in a few minutes? to know that the first thing i'd see tomorrow morning would be her lying next to me? the ultimate dream.
but i'll still wait for her return. starting today, about 2 seconds after she says goodbye.
we respond so very differently to the same things.
when she's feeling close, she's content to be silent, to check in occasionally to just say "hi". there's an ?easy? feel to it. she says "hi" or sends me a kiss or a smile. when we talk she's light and ?easy?.
when i'm feeling close i want her closer, want her more often, want to say -something- to let her know what she is to me (everything) and how i feel about her (love beyond description) and how i want her (with every fiber of my being). i want her closer, closer, closer.
she's going out tonight with him. she says just regular friday night outing, but it'll turn into a St. Patty's day thing. they'll probably meet friends, visit a couple of bars, or close one down. spend quality time together. and water sports tomorrow or sunday. weekend time. time spend doing what lovers, partners, couples do on the weekends. together. her, with him. my love - with her lover.
whew.
i wish today wasn't friday. just three more hours (or less) before i have to let her go home to her life, their home, him, for the weekend.
gotta breathe.
it's so hard to let her go. every night. every weekend.
but in reality, i guess i'm not "letting her go". she's not mine to let go. have to get that straight in my head. and in my heart. she's his. she belongs to that life, not mine. there's no "ours". my friend, but his lover, his partner.
just hours. 69 of 'em - until she comes back on monday. reconnects with her friend. i'll ask her what her weekend was like. she'll say it was the usual.
just another boring weekend.
in her life. her life with him.
i can't remember a weekend where i haven't been waiting for her. ever since the first day, even before the first phones, before our saturday talks, i've spent weekends waiting for monday.
so i could have her in my life again. however much she'll let me have.
what would it be like to not have to wait for her anymore? to talk to her and know that i was gonna see her in a few minutes? to know that the first thing i'd see tomorrow morning would be her lying next to me? the ultimate dream.
but i'll still wait for her return. starting today, about 2 seconds after she says goodbye.
my friend
yesterday was a scary day. sort of so-so, back and forth for a while. then, not too long before our end of day talk, i had a feeling that we were gonna have a new beginning, that we'd see and agree on a new path to take to renew our relationship.
then things went to hell, quickly. and i was positive that that was it. for about an hour i was in complete freefall, completely panicked. i was sure that the end was at hand.
and then, we connected again. we made it past the corner and turned and faced each other. and i think we both saw that we were perilously close. and i think that gave us both pause.
and then we were walking the same path again. and from that deep, dark, scary place, the true strength of our relationship came through. and she told me, point blank, that nothing like this, no misunderstanding, no string of days where we just don't connect would come between us.
then she stopped on her way home to call me. and she told me that we'll get through this. and that nothing would come between us. and that we'll be okay.
how did she know i needed that?
i'll still always mourn not having her as my lover and partner. and i'll always want that and hope that somehow maybe there's still a chance that she wants that too and that maybe it'll happen.
but i'll still be blessed by having her in my life.
my best friend.
ever.
now, if i can keep my love in check, we can be free, again.
then things went to hell, quickly. and i was positive that that was it. for about an hour i was in complete freefall, completely panicked. i was sure that the end was at hand.
and then, we connected again. we made it past the corner and turned and faced each other. and i think we both saw that we were perilously close. and i think that gave us both pause.
and then we were walking the same path again. and from that deep, dark, scary place, the true strength of our relationship came through. and she told me, point blank, that nothing like this, no misunderstanding, no string of days where we just don't connect would come between us.
then she stopped on her way home to call me. and she told me that we'll get through this. and that nothing would come between us. and that we'll be okay.
how did she know i needed that?
i'll still always mourn not having her as my lover and partner. and i'll always want that and hope that somehow maybe there's still a chance that she wants that too and that maybe it'll happen.
but i'll still be blessed by having her in my life.
my best friend.
ever.
now, if i can keep my love in check, we can be free, again.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
fuck up #3,620
again. i did it again. but i swear it's not because i'm stupid, or because i don't care about her or because i'm determined to break her relationship.
i did it because i care.
i didn't intend to get us into that kind of discussion again; we just sort of gravitated there.
at this point, i've accepted that she doesn't want to be with me. what i haven't accepted is that she's willing to settle for a relationship that's so much less than what she wants.
i think the thought of saying the words to change her situation is a big hurdle for her, possibly at least as big as actually making the decision. and, i've learned that things "think" different, sound different, feel different once they're vocalized. so, i wanted her to practice saying some things, just to remove the ?hugeness? of the phrases, to vocalize them, to make them more manageable.
i'm sure she thought i was trying to stack the deck against bf and her relationship with him. (like that's even possible - she gives him so much advantage over me and over her own choosing that it's no contest). but to be honest, i was playing both sides of the field.
i wanted her to think about and then to say four things, to herself, in a mirror. i wanted her to think it though beforehand, think through what she was going to say, her reasons, etc., and then to think about what the situation would be like, how it would play out, what he'd say or what i'd say. by doing so, she could get a feel for how each option ?felt? to her. and maybe that would shed some light on her own emotions and feelings, give her another perspective on her own feelings.
i wanted her to talk through four things:
1. think about when was the last time she looked at bf and felt that pang in her heart and -wanted- to tell him how much she loved him.
2. break up with him. tell him why she's breaking up and why she's leaving.
3. break up with me. tell me why then tell me goodbye.
4. tell me she loves me.
it wasn't quite that well thought out of a plan. the questions were scribbled on a sheet of paper in between conversations. my whole thought was that if she'd vocalize each situation, maybe it'd remove some of the ?fear? she might have about any one of those situations. or maybe it'd shake loose some thoughts that maybe she didn't even know she was having.
in reality, i asked her to do #4 first. she doesn't respond well to things like that - like "tell me you love me". but because we were having a pretty frank and honest conversation, i thought that was actually the easiest one to start with. i believe she does love me - so i thought, given the feel of our talk, that that'd be fairly easy for her to do.
when she couldn't or wouldn't do that one, i knew there was no way she'd ever do the others.
she can't even contemplate leaving him. can't even fathom having a better relationship.
i want to help her, but she doesn't want any help. in her own way, for her own reasons, she's in the relationship she wants.
and then, the bombshell. in november i had a feeling i would wind up being right. i wish i wasn't. she told me that she's -not- really been evaluating whether or not this life is the life she wants. it's eased up, some of the pressure from him has lessened, time has gone by, tensions at home have leveled off. and as i predicted, she's finding that state not so bad. so there's no impetus for her to examine things, because they're tolerable. and she can climb further into her shell and numb her mind and hide her sexuality and live the rest of her life in a relationship that's "not so bad".
the frog in the beaker.
and now i know that i've lost.
and, imho, she's lost too. she's giving up the chance of anything better because the 'mediocre' she has doesn't seem so bad. because it's easy. because she can stay in control of the situation. because she doesn't love so much that she might "need" someone in her life, someone who might leave her later.
i had a lot of time to think this past week and an old thought came back to me as i was trying to figure out my future. i don't want to die; i just don't want to live. i don't see a point. single people want to find that great relationship, that special person so they can have that partnership with -the one-. and you keep going because you never know who that one is or where you might meet them or when.
but what if you've already found -the one- and been turned down? been found lacking?
do you go on with lowered expectations and lowered hopes, knowing that at best you'll find someone that you could settle for?
what the fuck is the point of that?
my hope is dead. my heart beats on and still loves her - it just doesn't understand, and couldn't do anything else anyway. and now i just have to wait for the body to join the hope.
and mourn the loss of her everyday.
i did it because i care.
i didn't intend to get us into that kind of discussion again; we just sort of gravitated there.
at this point, i've accepted that she doesn't want to be with me. what i haven't accepted is that she's willing to settle for a relationship that's so much less than what she wants.
i think the thought of saying the words to change her situation is a big hurdle for her, possibly at least as big as actually making the decision. and, i've learned that things "think" different, sound different, feel different once they're vocalized. so, i wanted her to practice saying some things, just to remove the ?hugeness? of the phrases, to vocalize them, to make them more manageable.
i'm sure she thought i was trying to stack the deck against bf and her relationship with him. (like that's even possible - she gives him so much advantage over me and over her own choosing that it's no contest). but to be honest, i was playing both sides of the field.
i wanted her to think about and then to say four things, to herself, in a mirror. i wanted her to think it though beforehand, think through what she was going to say, her reasons, etc., and then to think about what the situation would be like, how it would play out, what he'd say or what i'd say. by doing so, she could get a feel for how each option ?felt? to her. and maybe that would shed some light on her own emotions and feelings, give her another perspective on her own feelings.
i wanted her to talk through four things:
1. think about when was the last time she looked at bf and felt that pang in her heart and -wanted- to tell him how much she loved him.
2. break up with him. tell him why she's breaking up and why she's leaving.
3. break up with me. tell me why then tell me goodbye.
4. tell me she loves me.
it wasn't quite that well thought out of a plan. the questions were scribbled on a sheet of paper in between conversations. my whole thought was that if she'd vocalize each situation, maybe it'd remove some of the ?fear? she might have about any one of those situations. or maybe it'd shake loose some thoughts that maybe she didn't even know she was having.
in reality, i asked her to do #4 first. she doesn't respond well to things like that - like "tell me you love me". but because we were having a pretty frank and honest conversation, i thought that was actually the easiest one to start with. i believe she does love me - so i thought, given the feel of our talk, that that'd be fairly easy for her to do.
when she couldn't or wouldn't do that one, i knew there was no way she'd ever do the others.
she can't even contemplate leaving him. can't even fathom having a better relationship.
i want to help her, but she doesn't want any help. in her own way, for her own reasons, she's in the relationship she wants.
and then, the bombshell. in november i had a feeling i would wind up being right. i wish i wasn't. she told me that she's -not- really been evaluating whether or not this life is the life she wants. it's eased up, some of the pressure from him has lessened, time has gone by, tensions at home have leveled off. and as i predicted, she's finding that state not so bad. so there's no impetus for her to examine things, because they're tolerable. and she can climb further into her shell and numb her mind and hide her sexuality and live the rest of her life in a relationship that's "not so bad".
the frog in the beaker.
and now i know that i've lost.
and, imho, she's lost too. she's giving up the chance of anything better because the 'mediocre' she has doesn't seem so bad. because it's easy. because she can stay in control of the situation. because she doesn't love so much that she might "need" someone in her life, someone who might leave her later.
i had a lot of time to think this past week and an old thought came back to me as i was trying to figure out my future. i don't want to die; i just don't want to live. i don't see a point. single people want to find that great relationship, that special person so they can have that partnership with -the one-. and you keep going because you never know who that one is or where you might meet them or when.
but what if you've already found -the one- and been turned down? been found lacking?
do you go on with lowered expectations and lowered hopes, knowing that at best you'll find someone that you could settle for?
what the fuck is the point of that?
my hope is dead. my heart beats on and still loves her - it just doesn't understand, and couldn't do anything else anyway. and now i just have to wait for the body to join the hope.
and mourn the loss of her everyday.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
thoughts
i've been thinking about attraction, affection, love, lust and desire. and attachment.
the number one ?rule? about all of those emotions is that they are not reciprocal emotions; they go one way. feeling any of those for someone else does not, in any way, shape or form, imply that the object of those feelings has any of those feelings for you in return. that's a huge misconception that most of us carry.
the fallacious idea seems to scale, too. when we like someone a little, we tend to assume that they like us a little as well. when we lust someone a lot, it's generally ?assumed? that they lust back with nearly the same intensity. if we didn't think so, we'd lose interest, or recognize that it's wasted.
when you love someone, you certainly assume they love you back. is it an assumption or just a hope? because of the ?importance? of an emotion like love, i'm inclined to think that if we let ourselves get into the realm of calling it "love" that we must be pretty confident that those feelings are returned.
the amount of ?expectation? we hold for the reciprocation of our feelings seems to be related to how ?important? we consider that other person in our life. if it's someone we've just met, while we may want them to like us, if they don't, well, it's okay.
but what about when that other person is -the one-? what if they are so much exactly what you've been looking for all your life that it seems as though the description was written about them? what if everything you've ever wanted in a friend/lover/partner was embodied in one person and you had the great fortune to actually find that person?
imagine how much importance you'd place on that. how much would you hope, pray, need them to feel the same way?
imagine what it would be like to not have your wants, needs and feelings reciprocated.
the number one ?rule? about all of those emotions is that they are not reciprocal emotions; they go one way. feeling any of those for someone else does not, in any way, shape or form, imply that the object of those feelings has any of those feelings for you in return. that's a huge misconception that most of us carry.
the fallacious idea seems to scale, too. when we like someone a little, we tend to assume that they like us a little as well. when we lust someone a lot, it's generally ?assumed? that they lust back with nearly the same intensity. if we didn't think so, we'd lose interest, or recognize that it's wasted.
when you love someone, you certainly assume they love you back. is it an assumption or just a hope? because of the ?importance? of an emotion like love, i'm inclined to think that if we let ourselves get into the realm of calling it "love" that we must be pretty confident that those feelings are returned.
the amount of ?expectation? we hold for the reciprocation of our feelings seems to be related to how ?important? we consider that other person in our life. if it's someone we've just met, while we may want them to like us, if they don't, well, it's okay.
but what about when that other person is -the one-? what if they are so much exactly what you've been looking for all your life that it seems as though the description was written about them? what if everything you've ever wanted in a friend/lover/partner was embodied in one person and you had the great fortune to actually find that person?
imagine how much importance you'd place on that. how much would you hope, pray, need them to feel the same way?
imagine what it would be like to not have your wants, needs and feelings reciprocated.
nothing
i sit here. alone.
i try to work. sometimes i have these little bursts of energy/time where something gets accomplished.
but most of the time, i wait. i look. is she online yet? will she say hi before her meeting? did she email? she was gonna check in after an hour. that's long past. but that's okay, that means she's involved in her work and she's getting things done.
it means she's not distracted by things less important.
it's odd that that thought always/still bothers me. i've known for a long time what the priorities are. bf. work. bf. home. life. bf. everything else.
i'm just one of a million things vying for her attention.
and every second she gives it to me is precious to me. and time she's not getting something else done.
for two years i've made myself believe that i was her highest priority, despite what i knew to be true. i also believed she wanted me more than she wanted anything or anyone else. and that our meeting was imminent. and that us being lovers was close.
why do people watch reality shows, anyway? reality is so much more harsh.
reality sucks.
i try to work. sometimes i have these little bursts of energy/time where something gets accomplished.
but most of the time, i wait. i look. is she online yet? will she say hi before her meeting? did she email? she was gonna check in after an hour. that's long past. but that's okay, that means she's involved in her work and she's getting things done.
it means she's not distracted by things less important.
it's odd that that thought always/still bothers me. i've known for a long time what the priorities are. bf. work. bf. home. life. bf. everything else.
i'm just one of a million things vying for her attention.
and every second she gives it to me is precious to me. and time she's not getting something else done.
for two years i've made myself believe that i was her highest priority, despite what i knew to be true. i also believed she wanted me more than she wanted anything or anyone else. and that our meeting was imminent. and that us being lovers was close.
why do people watch reality shows, anyway? reality is so much more harsh.
reality sucks.
inversely proportional
she's always told me to "hold on loosely". always told me that trying to hold her tight and close pushes her away, that she feels much closer if i'm not trying to hold on to her.
now, i'm trying to cover up (bury? suspend? kill?) my love for her. she's said it could make her feel closer.
so, i'm caught (well, lover-me, who's being expelled to the nether regions) in a quandry. the more i try to be "with" her, the farther away i push her and the less she wants of me. the more i pull back, the more she feels close.
so. does that mean when she's pulled away from me completely, when i'm no longer allowed into her day, that she'll finally love me and want to be with me? when i'm a distant hazy memory she'll remember 'that guy' that she loved so much?
she'll wonder why i didn't love her back.
and i'll be completely unaware. off somewhere in my own lonely world. unaware. unhappy.
alone.
now, i'm trying to cover up (bury? suspend? kill?) my love for her. she's said it could make her feel closer.
so, i'm caught (well, lover-me, who's being expelled to the nether regions) in a quandry. the more i try to be "with" her, the farther away i push her and the less she wants of me. the more i pull back, the more she feels close.
so. does that mean when she's pulled away from me completely, when i'm no longer allowed into her day, that she'll finally love me and want to be with me? when i'm a distant hazy memory she'll remember 'that guy' that she loved so much?
she'll wonder why i didn't love her back.
and i'll be completely unaware. off somewhere in my own lonely world. unaware. unhappy.
alone.
tock.
tock. another day spent without her.
i didn't do so well yesterday. it was the first day lover-me was supposed to stay home, out of the picture. friend-me was okay early on, but kept letting lover-me back in, until he almost took over again.
but today is another day. another day to be her friend. another day to try to give back to her a tiny fraction of what i get from her. another day to try to stop forcing my love on her and just let her have the friendship she wants.
another day we'll never have to spend together with each other, in each others' arms. another day i can't greet her at the door, push the hair from her face and kiss her hello. another day i can't hold her and protect her, make her/let her feel protected and loved as she falls asleep in my arms.
another day that maybe i can make her glad she knows me. another fresh start that maybe i won't taint by trying to be to her what she doesn't want me to be.
i was thinking about going back home (i have no home, really. i say "home" to refer to the state where my daughter lives). for two years, everytime i went back was a time of excitement for me. i'd always try to plan my trip so there was a day or two of slack/free time in my schedule so that if B wanted to see me, there was time. looking at the calendar last night, i found myself doing the same thing again. and i realized, sadly, that i should never do that again. i have to just accept that she's not meeting me, not going to meet me. i'll continue to give her my itinerary so she can take whatever precautions she needs to take when she knows i'm in the state, but i shouldn't figure in any extra time for meeting her. if there should come a time when she wants to see me, she'll tell me. and she knows i'd do anything to make time for her. but to plan time for that is fruitless.
losing the possibility of her as my lover is so very hard to accept. besides the intimacy and connection that we have and how much stronger and more intense it would have grown as lovers, there's a million little, casual things that i'd hoped for that just won't be. calling her to wake her up in the morning. whispering good night in her ear on our last call of the day. being able to call her private line just to say "i was thinking of you". i'd hoped for pictures from the beginning, but when we got the phones i'd fantasized that she'd want to take pics of herself smiling every morning to send to me. pics of what she was wearing, her name on the desk, even flashing me. i've fantasized a thousand times about what it would be like to hear her ask me to come see her. or ".. i know you're weren't planning on coming this weekend, but i want to see you.. will you come anyway?".
hey, if you're gonna dream about -the one-, ya might as well go all out. how much better it would have been (well, for me, anyway) if i could have been her -one-. but, "one" implies only one, and she has her "one" already.
i always wondered/worried about, in the unlikely event that she did want me, having kids. i know eventually she'll want one/some. and despite the challenges (of my advanced age), i looked forward to it. not right away - i (selfishly?) wanted us to have some time alone, time to enjoy each other, get really close, really enjoy life for awhile, first. but the thought of raising a family with her, while a bit scary (again coz of the age thing), was a good one. she will have beautiful children. just not mine/ours.
i saw a couple on an adult site; he was 47, she 29. that bothered me, a lot. why could it work for them and not for us? it's not possible that they could connect any more intensely, any more deeply than B and i, so why is it that -they- get to be together? i just stared at the page, wishing, hurting, lost. why them? why was it okay for them to get together but not us? the obvious answer is because B has already chosen her lover, her partner. it seemed so unfair to be shown "see? it -is- possible. just not for you and not with her. "
now it's another day. another day without her. and lover-me has to go back inside, back to sleep. there's no room in the day for him.
i didn't do so well yesterday. it was the first day lover-me was supposed to stay home, out of the picture. friend-me was okay early on, but kept letting lover-me back in, until he almost took over again.
but today is another day. another day to be her friend. another day to try to give back to her a tiny fraction of what i get from her. another day to try to stop forcing my love on her and just let her have the friendship she wants.
another day we'll never have to spend together with each other, in each others' arms. another day i can't greet her at the door, push the hair from her face and kiss her hello. another day i can't hold her and protect her, make her/let her feel protected and loved as she falls asleep in my arms.
another day that maybe i can make her glad she knows me. another fresh start that maybe i won't taint by trying to be to her what she doesn't want me to be.
i was thinking about going back home (i have no home, really. i say "home" to refer to the state where my daughter lives). for two years, everytime i went back was a time of excitement for me. i'd always try to plan my trip so there was a day or two of slack/free time in my schedule so that if B wanted to see me, there was time. looking at the calendar last night, i found myself doing the same thing again. and i realized, sadly, that i should never do that again. i have to just accept that she's not meeting me, not going to meet me. i'll continue to give her my itinerary so she can take whatever precautions she needs to take when she knows i'm in the state, but i shouldn't figure in any extra time for meeting her. if there should come a time when she wants to see me, she'll tell me. and she knows i'd do anything to make time for her. but to plan time for that is fruitless.
losing the possibility of her as my lover is so very hard to accept. besides the intimacy and connection that we have and how much stronger and more intense it would have grown as lovers, there's a million little, casual things that i'd hoped for that just won't be. calling her to wake her up in the morning. whispering good night in her ear on our last call of the day. being able to call her private line just to say "i was thinking of you". i'd hoped for pictures from the beginning, but when we got the phones i'd fantasized that she'd want to take pics of herself smiling every morning to send to me. pics of what she was wearing, her name on the desk, even flashing me. i've fantasized a thousand times about what it would be like to hear her ask me to come see her. or ".. i know you're weren't planning on coming this weekend, but i want to see you.. will you come anyway?".
hey, if you're gonna dream about -the one-, ya might as well go all out. how much better it would have been (well, for me, anyway) if i could have been her -one-. but, "one" implies only one, and she has her "one" already.
i always wondered/worried about, in the unlikely event that she did want me, having kids. i know eventually she'll want one/some. and despite the challenges (of my advanced age), i looked forward to it. not right away - i (selfishly?) wanted us to have some time alone, time to enjoy each other, get really close, really enjoy life for awhile, first. but the thought of raising a family with her, while a bit scary (again coz of the age thing), was a good one. she will have beautiful children. just not mine/ours.
i saw a couple on an adult site; he was 47, she 29. that bothered me, a lot. why could it work for them and not for us? it's not possible that they could connect any more intensely, any more deeply than B and i, so why is it that -they- get to be together? i just stared at the page, wishing, hurting, lost. why them? why was it okay for them to get together but not us? the obvious answer is because B has already chosen her lover, her partner. it seemed so unfair to be shown "see? it -is- possible. just not for you and not with her. "
now it's another day. another day without her. and lover-me has to go back inside, back to sleep. there's no room in the day for him.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
tick
tick. and dawn is that much closer. one inexorable moment closer to that day.
in blackjack, you can win, lose or push. in life, a win would be for her to want me, to want to be with me, and to make the choice to do so. a lose would be for her to turn her back on me, go back to him and never be in contact again. it's obvious i'm not gonna win; he's too important to her, their life together is too good. i don't think i'm gonna lose - i must bring something to her life (despite all the negatives i bring along).
so, it's a push. i don't get her, but i do get to talk to her. alas, part of the conditions of the draw is that i have to help her get back her relationship with him. i have to pull back all of the me that wants to have her, put that away, put it to sleep. that part of me is like the hillbilly relative at a black tie affair - everyone knows he's there, but no one wants him at their table, so we'll just not talk about him, pretend he doesn't exist. and even though i will always want her, always secretly hope that she wants me, it's time for him to go away. he's only causing trouble here anyway.
while it's sad for me, hopefully it'll be good for her and for us. with all the ?rivalry? from me gone, maybe we can get back all that we had. the trick will be to keep up ?appearances? (that sounds deceptive... ?stay strong?) when i'm "with" her, make sure she doesn't feel any pull from that side of me. with that distraction gone, she'll feel free to work on rebuilding her relationship with him.
and i have to help. i'm her friend, so of course i would help in whatever way possible to help her regain all she's lost. it is her most important relationship, her chosen love & life relationship.
it will remove so much stress from her life and it will let her be happy again with her choice, so of course i would. and will. and the happiness i'll get from hearing her be happy in her life again will offset my loss and my pain.
it will be a learning curve. we were talking yesterday about an upcoming event she's going to with him. i was really interested in her (their) plans: are they taking a limo, going with other friends, what's she gonna wear (it's an event where she'd usually dress very sexy). i was really interested in hearing what my friend and her man were gonna do. yet as i started to ask her what she was going to wear, the lover/loser side of me popped free for a second and let the implications of that question slice through my heart like a knife. in that second, all my loss, all that i've never and will never experience with her slammed through me and i couldn't finish my question. i just sat, stunned, shocked, crushed.
i recovered, mostly. we continued talking. and we flowed, freely. friends talking. it was great. and then bf came forward again and stood, mocking me, making me acknowledge that he, not i, has her heart, her attention, her affection, her loyalty, her love. he turned my attention to the clock. and i had to tell her that it was late, that she had to go. because if she didn't, he'd make her life more difficult. and, he told me, "she's coming home to me anyway, now or ten minutes from now, it doesn't matter, because she's coming home to me."
and so, after precious few minutes of talking, our first real talk in five days, i had to tell her she had to go. we finally get a few good minutes to talk and laugh and be together; and i have to tell her to go home to him. but it makes her happy for me to do so. and if it makes her happy, then it's worth it.
and as i sat last night thinking about it i realized that by keeping my pain buried during the time we have together, then we can have better times together. and with as little time as we get, that's important. and as it turns out, keeping it all in until late at night and then letting it all out at one time is ?better? somehow. it's still as much hurt as ever, maybe even more, but controlling its release and letting it all out at once actually seemed better somehow. like maybe it all gets out instead of staying inside, eating at me. it still hurts, and i'll never get over not having her, but at least for a little while (because it will be back tomorrow), i'm at peace with it, for a little while i can accept that i lost.
and during those minutes of ?resigned acceptance? (such a strange time/feeling too - to have all the hurt and pain there, to be able to see and feel the loss of her, but to at least feel that by having things this way that she'll get back to a happier life with him and then she'll be happier period), i feel like maybe i can finally have a good impact on her life. and that's the best i can do. i won't get the girl, but i get to see the girl be happy again.
tick. one moment closer to getting her back into her life.
in blackjack, you can win, lose or push. in life, a win would be for her to want me, to want to be with me, and to make the choice to do so. a lose would be for her to turn her back on me, go back to him and never be in contact again. it's obvious i'm not gonna win; he's too important to her, their life together is too good. i don't think i'm gonna lose - i must bring something to her life (despite all the negatives i bring along).
so, it's a push. i don't get her, but i do get to talk to her. alas, part of the conditions of the draw is that i have to help her get back her relationship with him. i have to pull back all of the me that wants to have her, put that away, put it to sleep. that part of me is like the hillbilly relative at a black tie affair - everyone knows he's there, but no one wants him at their table, so we'll just not talk about him, pretend he doesn't exist. and even though i will always want her, always secretly hope that she wants me, it's time for him to go away. he's only causing trouble here anyway.
while it's sad for me, hopefully it'll be good for her and for us. with all the ?rivalry? from me gone, maybe we can get back all that we had. the trick will be to keep up ?appearances? (that sounds deceptive... ?stay strong?) when i'm "with" her, make sure she doesn't feel any pull from that side of me. with that distraction gone, she'll feel free to work on rebuilding her relationship with him.
and i have to help. i'm her friend, so of course i would help in whatever way possible to help her regain all she's lost. it is her most important relationship, her chosen love & life relationship.
it will remove so much stress from her life and it will let her be happy again with her choice, so of course i would. and will. and the happiness i'll get from hearing her be happy in her life again will offset my loss and my pain.
it will be a learning curve. we were talking yesterday about an upcoming event she's going to with him. i was really interested in her (their) plans: are they taking a limo, going with other friends, what's she gonna wear (it's an event where she'd usually dress very sexy). i was really interested in hearing what my friend and her man were gonna do. yet as i started to ask her what she was going to wear, the lover/loser side of me popped free for a second and let the implications of that question slice through my heart like a knife. in that second, all my loss, all that i've never and will never experience with her slammed through me and i couldn't finish my question. i just sat, stunned, shocked, crushed.
i recovered, mostly. we continued talking. and we flowed, freely. friends talking. it was great. and then bf came forward again and stood, mocking me, making me acknowledge that he, not i, has her heart, her attention, her affection, her loyalty, her love. he turned my attention to the clock. and i had to tell her that it was late, that she had to go. because if she didn't, he'd make her life more difficult. and, he told me, "she's coming home to me anyway, now or ten minutes from now, it doesn't matter, because she's coming home to me."
and so, after precious few minutes of talking, our first real talk in five days, i had to tell her she had to go. we finally get a few good minutes to talk and laugh and be together; and i have to tell her to go home to him. but it makes her happy for me to do so. and if it makes her happy, then it's worth it.
and as i sat last night thinking about it i realized that by keeping my pain buried during the time we have together, then we can have better times together. and with as little time as we get, that's important. and as it turns out, keeping it all in until late at night and then letting it all out at one time is ?better? somehow. it's still as much hurt as ever, maybe even more, but controlling its release and letting it all out at once actually seemed better somehow. like maybe it all gets out instead of staying inside, eating at me. it still hurts, and i'll never get over not having her, but at least for a little while (because it will be back tomorrow), i'm at peace with it, for a little while i can accept that i lost.
and during those minutes of ?resigned acceptance? (such a strange time/feeling too - to have all the hurt and pain there, to be able to see and feel the loss of her, but to at least feel that by having things this way that she'll get back to a happier life with him and then she'll be happier period), i feel like maybe i can finally have a good impact on her life. and that's the best i can do. i won't get the girl, but i get to see the girl be happy again.
tick. one moment closer to getting her back into her life.
Monday, March 13, 2006
it's darkest before dawn
it's beginning to sink in (although i don't want to believe it and still can't look at the big picture) - I don't belong in her world or her life.
it's as though she's sitting in the middle of a life/emotion continuum. on the one end is her and her life with bf. it's a good life - they have history, money, good prospects for their future. they have friends, family, routine. they have time, energy, toys and perhaps most importantly, they are peers. yet while they share so much in the physical world, she (imho) feels little emotional connection to him. that's not quite true, because she does love him, more than i think, probably, but perhaps less than she thinks. she's loyal to him in many ways. they are a young, handsome couple. the all-american couple in almost every way. her family, his family, their friends - everyone thinks they're perfect together. if there's one thing her family wouldn't understand, it's her with me. but who would? it's too unlikely, too far fetched.
on the other end of the spectrum is her and i. we connect on many intellectual and emotional levels. more levels than either of us knew existed and to greater depths than we've known before. i feel her presence all the time. even when we're not close, we're closer than most people are with their s.o.'s. if she and i were to share a life, the emotional and intellectual (and sexual) stimulation we would share would just be beyond description.
in the physical world, the day to day world of night and weekend activities, i don't belong to her world. my time for being with twenty- and thirty-somethings, of being with a beautiful young woman in the world of bikinis and miniskirts and parties and concerts and swinging and living easy is past. i barely still belong to the world of forty-somethings. i move into the late afternoon/early evening of my life; it's barely lunchtime for her and him.
if i face things realistically, i have to accept that while i might keep her engaged emotionally, sexually (but for how many more years?) and intellectually, she would grow increasingly discontent with our day to day life. even that's not quite right - she would grow increasingly discontent with -me- in our day to day life, until she was as unhappy with me as she is now in her life with bf.
she is on the go, all the time. she works out, runs, constantly does things around the house and the yard. she loves going to sporting events. she's neat and organized. i'm sedentary. where she can do 513 situps before going to bed, i can flip through 513 channels. i haven't been to a sporting event in years. she often wins her fantasy football league. i couldn't name 10 players. i'm lazy and sloppy and my organizational tips usually center around a large bin. she is young and beautiful, athletic and fit. i'm old and average and fat and grey. she loves the way he -acts- on things. they recently, on spur of the moment, painted a house in a day. it would have taken me weeks to get to it. like her, he -acts- and gets things taken care of. i plan, procrastinate, put off until eventually it gets done. i don't think she could tolerate that for long. she likes how able he is, how he can do so many things with his hands. i'm minimally capable. i can muddle through many things, -act- like i know other things. his sureness, confidence and capability (amongst other things) attract her.
he doesn't smother her; i probably would. not with jealousy or possessiveness, but just with affection. she doesn't want to be touchy all the time, or held, or affectionate. i want those things. i want to show my partner all the affection and attraction and love that i feel. she doesn't like to be held or touched after sex or while sleeping. i want to hold my partner (her) after sex, share the quiet intimacy just as we do the sweaty intimacy. i want to hold my partner (her) as we go to sleep, protect her, warm her, embrace her, wrap her in me, let her know that she is treasured, loved, safe. she would grow quickly tired of me and i would probably feel rejected. the sad thing is that i believe (in my fantasy world) that if she were to experience it, feel the true love and affection, that she would grow to like it, want it, hunger for it.
yet there are so many aspects of each of us that seem made to go together. she needs to be in control of daily life, running the household, etc. fine - in fact, i prefer that. she's bright and passionate and practical. we connect in so many ways. she's sexual and sensual and the breadth and depth of our sexual lives would be amazing.
so many things between us just -mesh-.
but , it would seem, it is not our time. or perhaps she's just wiser than i, perhaps she knows what's best. in spite of all that seems wrong in her life with bf, and in spite of all that would seem right in a life with me, she stays with him. i've thought that she doesn't leave him because she loves him more than she admits, or because she can't give up the comfortable life they share, or because she doesn't have the courage/strength to tell him she's done, or because she doesn't want to hurt him. maybe she stays becausee she's smarter than me. maybe the option of her leaving has only ever been an option for her in -my- mind.
i'm going to miss her so much, miss the intimacy, the connection. my friend. my almost lover. -my- perfect partner. if only i could have been hers.
last week i remember thinking that i wish we'd have met 8 years earlier, before she was so entrenched with bf. but the truth of the matter is, she wouldn't have been interested in me then. so, same end result. while she's not interested in me now as a partner, at least we've had this chance to build a friendship and a connection that's unique, at least in my experience.
and it will end because it will become too much guilt, too hard to maintain this secret relationship, too much not worth the risk to her life and love with him. and when she goes, she'll take my heart with her. but that's okay - it's hers. i gave it to her willingly long ago. she won it, long ago. that part of me could never go to anyone else - it's hers.
in the future, when she's hauling the kids around, doing the pta thing, still running her business as well as managing his... maybe while rummaging through the attic for something she'll run across it, stored away somewhere in the memorabilia box and maybe she'll smile, remembering. i hope she remembers me fondly, not as that old guy who thought he could win her and almost fucked up her life with bf, not as a mistake that almost cost her her husband, her future, her beautiful life.
it's as though she's sitting in the middle of a life/emotion continuum. on the one end is her and her life with bf. it's a good life - they have history, money, good prospects for their future. they have friends, family, routine. they have time, energy, toys and perhaps most importantly, they are peers. yet while they share so much in the physical world, she (imho) feels little emotional connection to him. that's not quite true, because she does love him, more than i think, probably, but perhaps less than she thinks. she's loyal to him in many ways. they are a young, handsome couple. the all-american couple in almost every way. her family, his family, their friends - everyone thinks they're perfect together. if there's one thing her family wouldn't understand, it's her with me. but who would? it's too unlikely, too far fetched.
on the other end of the spectrum is her and i. we connect on many intellectual and emotional levels. more levels than either of us knew existed and to greater depths than we've known before. i feel her presence all the time. even when we're not close, we're closer than most people are with their s.o.'s. if she and i were to share a life, the emotional and intellectual (and sexual) stimulation we would share would just be beyond description.
in the physical world, the day to day world of night and weekend activities, i don't belong to her world. my time for being with twenty- and thirty-somethings, of being with a beautiful young woman in the world of bikinis and miniskirts and parties and concerts and swinging and living easy is past. i barely still belong to the world of forty-somethings. i move into the late afternoon/early evening of my life; it's barely lunchtime for her and him.
if i face things realistically, i have to accept that while i might keep her engaged emotionally, sexually (but for how many more years?) and intellectually, she would grow increasingly discontent with our day to day life. even that's not quite right - she would grow increasingly discontent with -me- in our day to day life, until she was as unhappy with me as she is now in her life with bf.
she is on the go, all the time. she works out, runs, constantly does things around the house and the yard. she loves going to sporting events. she's neat and organized. i'm sedentary. where she can do 513 situps before going to bed, i can flip through 513 channels. i haven't been to a sporting event in years. she often wins her fantasy football league. i couldn't name 10 players. i'm lazy and sloppy and my organizational tips usually center around a large bin. she is young and beautiful, athletic and fit. i'm old and average and fat and grey. she loves the way he -acts- on things. they recently, on spur of the moment, painted a house in a day. it would have taken me weeks to get to it. like her, he -acts- and gets things taken care of. i plan, procrastinate, put off until eventually it gets done. i don't think she could tolerate that for long. she likes how able he is, how he can do so many things with his hands. i'm minimally capable. i can muddle through many things, -act- like i know other things. his sureness, confidence and capability (amongst other things) attract her.
he doesn't smother her; i probably would. not with jealousy or possessiveness, but just with affection. she doesn't want to be touchy all the time, or held, or affectionate. i want those things. i want to show my partner all the affection and attraction and love that i feel. she doesn't like to be held or touched after sex or while sleeping. i want to hold my partner (her) after sex, share the quiet intimacy just as we do the sweaty intimacy. i want to hold my partner (her) as we go to sleep, protect her, warm her, embrace her, wrap her in me, let her know that she is treasured, loved, safe. she would grow quickly tired of me and i would probably feel rejected. the sad thing is that i believe (in my fantasy world) that if she were to experience it, feel the true love and affection, that she would grow to like it, want it, hunger for it.
yet there are so many aspects of each of us that seem made to go together. she needs to be in control of daily life, running the household, etc. fine - in fact, i prefer that. she's bright and passionate and practical. we connect in so many ways. she's sexual and sensual and the breadth and depth of our sexual lives would be amazing.
so many things between us just -mesh-.
but , it would seem, it is not our time. or perhaps she's just wiser than i, perhaps she knows what's best. in spite of all that seems wrong in her life with bf, and in spite of all that would seem right in a life with me, she stays with him. i've thought that she doesn't leave him because she loves him more than she admits, or because she can't give up the comfortable life they share, or because she doesn't have the courage/strength to tell him she's done, or because she doesn't want to hurt him. maybe she stays becausee she's smarter than me. maybe the option of her leaving has only ever been an option for her in -my- mind.
i'm going to miss her so much, miss the intimacy, the connection. my friend. my almost lover. -my- perfect partner. if only i could have been hers.
last week i remember thinking that i wish we'd have met 8 years earlier, before she was so entrenched with bf. but the truth of the matter is, she wouldn't have been interested in me then. so, same end result. while she's not interested in me now as a partner, at least we've had this chance to build a friendship and a connection that's unique, at least in my experience.
and it will end because it will become too much guilt, too hard to maintain this secret relationship, too much not worth the risk to her life and love with him. and when she goes, she'll take my heart with her. but that's okay - it's hers. i gave it to her willingly long ago. she won it, long ago. that part of me could never go to anyone else - it's hers.
in the future, when she's hauling the kids around, doing the pta thing, still running her business as well as managing his... maybe while rummaging through the attic for something she'll run across it, stored away somewhere in the memorabilia box and maybe she'll smile, remembering. i hope she remembers me fondly, not as that old guy who thought he could win her and almost fucked up her life with bf, not as a mistake that almost cost her her husband, her future, her beautiful life.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
rationalization
i was positive, POSITIVE that this time the answer would be yes.
i was sure. i listened in my head, imagining what it would be like to hear those words in her voice... "come see me" or "i want to meet you". sweet sounds.
i was positive.
instead, i will spend the day trying not to dwell on what i don't have, what i can't have. fighting myself on a minute by minute basis to not hop in the car and drive to her.... just to be close.
i was sure. i just knew it was gonna be this time, just knew it.
her heart still belongs to him. her mind. her self.
still.
and in the middle of pain and desperation and loneliness and hopelessness i still hope, irrationally and beyond reason, hope against hope, against all odds, against all that i see, i still hope that she might someday want to see me. might want me.
i was sure.
top of the ninth, two minutes left in the game, bottom of the fourth period....
score:
bf: 23,352 with infinite timeouts left, unlimited resources, access to the judges and refs...
me: 0 no timeouts left, no reserve players, the out of town pariah
things are not looking good for the visitors. the home team has been a favorite for too long.
he doesn't even know there's a game on. maybe there's not. more like an exhibition game, where the World Champs play the local little league team. no competition.
i was sure.
rationalization. self-delusion. all the things we do to tell ourselves that yes, we really do have a chance with the prom queen, the cheerleader, the beauty queen, the gorgeous woman at the bar. what every 40-something year old man employs when they tell themselves that yes, the 20-something year old beauty really does want me. i'm desireable. i'm not (that) fat. i'm not (that) old, not (that) much older than her. maybe she really does like older men.
i was so sure.
i was sure. i listened in my head, imagining what it would be like to hear those words in her voice... "come see me" or "i want to meet you". sweet sounds.
i was positive.
instead, i will spend the day trying not to dwell on what i don't have, what i can't have. fighting myself on a minute by minute basis to not hop in the car and drive to her.... just to be close.
i was sure. i just knew it was gonna be this time, just knew it.
her heart still belongs to him. her mind. her self.
still.
and in the middle of pain and desperation and loneliness and hopelessness i still hope, irrationally and beyond reason, hope against hope, against all odds, against all that i see, i still hope that she might someday want to see me. might want me.
i was sure.
top of the ninth, two minutes left in the game, bottom of the fourth period....
score:
bf: 23,352 with infinite timeouts left, unlimited resources, access to the judges and refs...
me: 0 no timeouts left, no reserve players, the out of town pariah
things are not looking good for the visitors. the home team has been a favorite for too long.
he doesn't even know there's a game on. maybe there's not. more like an exhibition game, where the World Champs play the local little league team. no competition.
i was sure.
rationalization. self-delusion. all the things we do to tell ourselves that yes, we really do have a chance with the prom queen, the cheerleader, the beauty queen, the gorgeous woman at the bar. what every 40-something year old man employs when they tell themselves that yes, the 20-something year old beauty really does want me. i'm desireable. i'm not (that) fat. i'm not (that) old, not (that) much older than her. maybe she really does like older men.
i was so sure.
nice job, me
i've been freaking out about my trip. she told me (again) that she's not interested in meeting me this trip. my charm and charisma are clearly working. (at least as well as they have for the last 2.5 years). you'd think i'd get the picture already.
tried changing my flight to go tomorrow instead of tonight. that way she might feel a little safer. and i wouldn't have a whole day with nothing to do but want to see her. i know that as the time draws nearer that she gets very apprehensive. she won't admit it but me being in the same state scares her. she's afraid i'll come to her area, afraid of me. fear of me - what a great foundation for a relationship. but then "a relationship" is what -i- want; she has one already.
g-d, you'd think i could get that through my head. that's what love will do to ya. makes ya think "i love her, therefore she loves me; how could she not?". makes ya think that since -i- want it/this/something so much that she must too. makes ya ignore reality, downplay the fact that she has a partner of 8 years, that happy or not, she's made no move toward leaving before nor is she so inclined now. she won't even -meet- me, what makes me think she would want to be my lover much less be -with- me?
it tears me apart, rips my heart to shreds to go there and know she doesn't want to see me, won't see me. knowing that my presence upsets her, scares her, makes her want to hide and to actively avoid me doesn't help much.
everyone needs someone like me in their life.
tried changing my flight to go tomorrow instead of tonight. that way she might feel a little safer. and i wouldn't have a whole day with nothing to do but want to see her. i know that as the time draws nearer that she gets very apprehensive. she won't admit it but me being in the same state scares her. she's afraid i'll come to her area, afraid of me. fear of me - what a great foundation for a relationship. but then "a relationship" is what -i- want; she has one already.
g-d, you'd think i could get that through my head. that's what love will do to ya. makes ya think "i love her, therefore she loves me; how could she not?". makes ya think that since -i- want it/this/something so much that she must too. makes ya ignore reality, downplay the fact that she has a partner of 8 years, that happy or not, she's made no move toward leaving before nor is she so inclined now. she won't even -meet- me, what makes me think she would want to be my lover much less be -with- me?
it tears me apart, rips my heart to shreds to go there and know she doesn't want to see me, won't see me. knowing that my presence upsets her, scares her, makes her want to hide and to actively avoid me doesn't help much.
everyone needs someone like me in their life.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
a step back
i feel as though we're moving toward a particular moment in time. not sure when that will be, but it's coming. it could be tomorrow, next week, next month or this summer, but it's coming. i don't even know exactly what it is. well, i know what it is but not how it'll go. i try not to think about it too much - one possible outcome just gets my hopes up, the other crushes them. i wish i could say that i (we) were watching for it, waiting for it in happy anticipation, but it doesn't feel that way.
one thing i've learned, as a parent, is that you can't pass on your experience. you can talk about it, talk about the lessons learned, even those learned painfully, but the real meaning of many of lifes lessons can't be told, can't be heard and learned; heard and understood, yes, but learned, no. for many things in life, you just have to -do- it, make your own mistakes, learn the lesson on your own.
B is in a dilemma. She's in a life that she's carefully built. she basically has everything she sought. turns out it's just not what she wanted. she thought she knew what she wanted, or more importantly, knew what she didn't want. she was wrong. i'm pretty sure she wants out of the relationship and the life she's in. g-d knows she's unhappy enough. but you can't give someone knowledge that you've learned; they have to come to that knowledge themselves. she wants out, i'm sure of it. i'm sure she knows it too. either she can't admit that to herself yet for some reason, or it's just not a solution/realization that she's able to accept right now. the sad thing is, this is one of those life things where obtaining the knowledge could take years. she could spend years of her life trying to fit into the life she's built, trying to make it what she wanted it to be, only to arrive many years down the road at the same conclusion that she's trying to avoid realizing now: she should have left.
it's so rare to find two people who belong together, two people who mesh so well, who can feel and sense each others' presence and feelings and state of mind. it such a rare and beautiful thing. and how wrong, how cosmically unfair, what a travesty of what's "right", that we should be kept apart because we aren't at the same place as far as life experiences learned. how wrong, how sad for that congruence to arrive five or ten or twenty years too late.
one thing i've learned, as a parent, is that you can't pass on your experience. you can talk about it, talk about the lessons learned, even those learned painfully, but the real meaning of many of lifes lessons can't be told, can't be heard and learned; heard and understood, yes, but learned, no. for many things in life, you just have to -do- it, make your own mistakes, learn the lesson on your own.
B is in a dilemma. She's in a life that she's carefully built. she basically has everything she sought. turns out it's just not what she wanted. she thought she knew what she wanted, or more importantly, knew what she didn't want. she was wrong. i'm pretty sure she wants out of the relationship and the life she's in. g-d knows she's unhappy enough. but you can't give someone knowledge that you've learned; they have to come to that knowledge themselves. she wants out, i'm sure of it. i'm sure she knows it too. either she can't admit that to herself yet for some reason, or it's just not a solution/realization that she's able to accept right now. the sad thing is, this is one of those life things where obtaining the knowledge could take years. she could spend years of her life trying to fit into the life she's built, trying to make it what she wanted it to be, only to arrive many years down the road at the same conclusion that she's trying to avoid realizing now: she should have left.
it's so rare to find two people who belong together, two people who mesh so well, who can feel and sense each others' presence and feelings and state of mind. it such a rare and beautiful thing. and how wrong, how cosmically unfair, what a travesty of what's "right", that we should be kept apart because we aren't at the same place as far as life experiences learned. how wrong, how sad for that congruence to arrive five or ten or twenty years too late.
Monday, March 06, 2006
hurting loved ones
how do i reach her? she's pulled so far inside, so remote from me....
she's right over there, looking at me... i feel like i hear her calling me, feel her eyes calling me, begging me to come closer... but her body language is closed, arms crossed.
what have i done to her? how is it possible that by trying to love her, by letting her know she was loved, by learning from each other, that i've caused her to be hurt so much?? i couldn't have caused more pain had i been trying.
they say that the apple that the eve ate that caused adam and eve to be expelled from the garden of eden was in fact "knowledge". i have always maintained that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. i still do. how do i go forward with the knowledge that my having found her, and loved her, have made her life so much worse? the problems that were in her relationship with bf before are still there, along with so much more. where at least before they had an average relationship, at least she was physical and sensual and loved sex and eroticism and sexuality, and her own sexuality. now they have a less than average relationship and she's ... lost. lost to her self. lost to her senses. lost to him.
i would gladly give back everything i've gained from her, from knowing her - if only the damage i've caused could be undone.
they say you always hurt the ones you love. and the one i love more than any other i've hurt more than any other.
what do i do now?
she's right over there, looking at me... i feel like i hear her calling me, feel her eyes calling me, begging me to come closer... but her body language is closed, arms crossed.
what have i done to her? how is it possible that by trying to love her, by letting her know she was loved, by learning from each other, that i've caused her to be hurt so much?? i couldn't have caused more pain had i been trying.
they say that the apple that the eve ate that caused adam and eve to be expelled from the garden of eden was in fact "knowledge". i have always maintained that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. i still do. how do i go forward with the knowledge that my having found her, and loved her, have made her life so much worse? the problems that were in her relationship with bf before are still there, along with so much more. where at least before they had an average relationship, at least she was physical and sensual and loved sex and eroticism and sexuality, and her own sexuality. now they have a less than average relationship and she's ... lost. lost to her self. lost to her senses. lost to him.
i would gladly give back everything i've gained from her, from knowing her - if only the damage i've caused could be undone.
they say you always hurt the ones you love. and the one i love more than any other i've hurt more than any other.
what do i do now?
long time. short time.
this is going to be a very long short week.
short because i'm only working thru wednesday, then off to see my daughter.
and with any luck, B.
for again i've asked her to see me. just for a short time. lunch, or coffee, anything. just some time for us to meet, say hi, see each other. make this real. she said she'd think about it.
and now there's an eternity of time between now and getting on the plane on wednesday.
will she want to meet me? will she?
short because i'm only working thru wednesday, then off to see my daughter.
and with any luck, B.
for again i've asked her to see me. just for a short time. lunch, or coffee, anything. just some time for us to meet, say hi, see each other. make this real. she said she'd think about it.
and now there's an eternity of time between now and getting on the plane on wednesday.
will she want to meet me? will she?
Thursday, March 02, 2006
i have some way with words
great. i seem to have some smooth way with words.
we were having a good talk - relaxed, casual, easy. the subject of her upcoming anniversary came up. soon afterwards, i wrote her an email about it. i tried to be explanatory and truthful.
she thought it was a big "fuck you". great.
and there's so many other things i want to ask her, talk to her about that are even more ?sensitive?. how the fuck am i gonna be able to bring those up?
how do i ask her..
- if she stays, what happens to us? do we end? do topics (like sex, intimacy) stop, just come to an end, off limits?
- if she stays, does that mean that there's never a chance for us to be lovers? we always envisioned the possibility that we might be long term lovers.. for life even. even if we're not together.
- if she stays, does that mean we'll never meet?
- if she stays, does that mean that all that we've been to each other, all that we've learned about each other and ourselves, is just gone? as though it never existed? or was it only in my mind?
- if she stays, it's not because you didn't/don't love me, is it? just that you love him and your life their more?
- do you want me B?
- do you understand that i'm facing the end of everything i wanted for my future? that even though you haven't decided yet, things don't look good for me? can you even guess what that feels like? the despair and the pain that are with me, sitting on my heart, waiting to hear what you've decided?
fuck.
losing her is gonna hurt so much. the thought of it and living with it for so long has been more painful than i ever knew anything could be. if and when she leaves, how will i be able to survive that loss?
we were having a good talk - relaxed, casual, easy. the subject of her upcoming anniversary came up. soon afterwards, i wrote her an email about it. i tried to be explanatory and truthful.
she thought it was a big "fuck you". great.
and there's so many other things i want to ask her, talk to her about that are even more ?sensitive?. how the fuck am i gonna be able to bring those up?
how do i ask her..
- if she stays, what happens to us? do we end? do topics (like sex, intimacy) stop, just come to an end, off limits?
- if she stays, does that mean that there's never a chance for us to be lovers? we always envisioned the possibility that we might be long term lovers.. for life even. even if we're not together.
- if she stays, does that mean we'll never meet?
- if she stays, does that mean that all that we've been to each other, all that we've learned about each other and ourselves, is just gone? as though it never existed? or was it only in my mind?
- if she stays, it's not because you didn't/don't love me, is it? just that you love him and your life their more?
- do you want me B?
- do you understand that i'm facing the end of everything i wanted for my future? that even though you haven't decided yet, things don't look good for me? can you even guess what that feels like? the despair and the pain that are with me, sitting on my heart, waiting to hear what you've decided?
fuck.
losing her is gonna hurt so much. the thought of it and living with it for so long has been more painful than i ever knew anything could be. if and when she leaves, how will i be able to survive that loss?
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
no vacancy. can't breathe.
sitting in silence, almost all day. she busy again. still. always will be. from now on.
she has more to do than ever. more demands on her time from him, from work, from life. even from me. i didn't think mine were "demands", but i can see why she feels them as such. it's not even that i want -more- i just want to stop losing. i'm the lowest priority so when bf, or work, or life needs more of her time, she takes it from wherever she can find spare time. from us.
there's not enough time in her day for the life they've built together, much less anything extra. no room in her life for anyone extra. i know (at least, i feel) that she holds me in a place in her heart.
i thought that meant her heart was for me. but he's been slowly reclaiming his rightful place there.
=====
i remember talking to my ex during our separation. i remember saying that "...in two years i haven't felt any compelling need to come back...". it seemed to so clearly say what i was thinking. it never even occurred to me that i might be on the receiving end of that same sentiment - "...in two and a half years B hasn't felt any compelling need to be with me...". if anything, the thought of leaving him is one she can't contemplate.
i never wanted to be the World Champion anything, nor the Worlds' Best whatever. i never cared if i was the best at anything, or first, or biggest or whatever.
but i did want to be to her what she is to me.
i wish i was.
she has more to do than ever. more demands on her time from him, from work, from life. even from me. i didn't think mine were "demands", but i can see why she feels them as such. it's not even that i want -more- i just want to stop losing. i'm the lowest priority so when bf, or work, or life needs more of her time, she takes it from wherever she can find spare time. from us.
there's not enough time in her day for the life they've built together, much less anything extra. no room in her life for anyone extra. i know (at least, i feel) that she holds me in a place in her heart.
i thought that meant her heart was for me. but he's been slowly reclaiming his rightful place there.
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i remember talking to my ex during our separation. i remember saying that "...in two years i haven't felt any compelling need to come back...". it seemed to so clearly say what i was thinking. it never even occurred to me that i might be on the receiving end of that same sentiment - "...in two and a half years B hasn't felt any compelling need to be with me...". if anything, the thought of leaving him is one she can't contemplate.
i never wanted to be the World Champion anything, nor the Worlds' Best whatever. i never cared if i was the best at anything, or first, or biggest or whatever.
but i did want to be to her what she is to me.
i wish i was.
too many changes, too fast
there's too many changes and they're coming too fast, too fast to assimilate.
to anyone else, they'll seem like little things. taken individually they probably are.
the biggest, the worst, the most scary: the less time we talk, the less time she makes for talk time. there was a time we talked (actually on the phone talked) six or eight times a day. maybe for a minute, maybe ten. whatever, they were quick little "hi" or touching base calls. share a laugh, share a bitch, say hi, say "i want you", whatever.
to anyone else, they'll seem like little things. taken individually they probably are.
the biggest, the worst, the most scary: the less time we talk, the less time she makes for talk time. there was a time we talked (actually on the phone talked) six or eight times a day. maybe for a minute, maybe ten. whatever, they were quick little "hi" or touching base calls. share a laugh, share a bitch, say hi, say "i want you", whatever.
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