The Jerk

well, discovered something else i should put on the NY's resolution list: stop being a self-centered jerk.

she didn't/couldn't call till about an hour after she got in. i'd been waiting for her (and getting increasingly excited and then anxious) since the time she'd have been on her drive in. in those 75 minutes, i got more freaked out, more stressed, more anxious than in the entire rest of the time we were apart. how could she not call? how could she not want to call after so long apart? even if the office people were bullshitting, how could she not be anxious to cut it short so she could call?

then i find out that she's been in severe pain since friday.

we have a short talk. then minutes after she goes into a meeting. for three hours. finally we chat a little, but it's stilted; obviously she's not in the mood to chat. or talk. all i can think is she doesn't want to talk to me. me me me. she's in extreme pain and i think it's all about me.

i'm upset because in six days she couldn't find 5 mins to call, couldn't read, couldn't get her mail, didn't call me as soon as she could. yet now i know that the whole time she was barely mobile at all. i'm sure he was very solicitous and stayed with her every minute.

instead of being upset that she doesn't want me like i want her, i should just accept it already. it's not gonna be. she has a love, a life, a lover. it's just not gonna be me. if i can ever just accept that then maybe we could start enjoying the great friendship we have that's just buried under all my regret and hurt and anguish over not being the one she wants. the problem with that is that it means letting go of so much. so much possibility, so much potential, so much love. it means having to get over her. and if i can get through all that, then it means having to open my heart to someone else, someone who would be second choice at best, someone that i'd always know i had to settle for. and whenever i think about loving (even -trying- to love) another, i choke. my heart pounds, my chest tightens, my eyes water, my emotions short circuit. how can i ever love another after i've known her?

tick

now this is hard... knowing that she's probably on her way to the office, or maybe even already there. i can picture her driving, radio blaring. she'll get a call from him. she's probably running through the things she wants to get done today.

is she relaxed, refreshed after her days off? is she thinking about me, about calling me? has she missed me? g-d knows i've missed her.

tick. tick. tick. the minutes d-r-a-g by. each seems longer than the last. and when the :30 mark comes - that's the worst because it's when she starts her work day, and when she's officially in the office, and when she's "there" to me.... but i know she can't and won't call right then, so then i start to feel like i'm in overtime. and each minute gets even longer.

sigh.

tick. another minute.

i can see her, in my minds eye, driving. sunglasses on, radio on, probably singing along. hopefully with a smile on her face. i wish i could see her.

tick.

16.5 hours... but who's counting?

i can't wait...

just 2/3's of a day to go and i'll get to talk to her again, hear her sweet voice, be with her in what ever tiny way she lets me...

i'm dying to hear of her holiday, what she got what she (they) did. did she relax? have fun? enjoy her time off? does she feel more relaxed in her (their) life now? was he good to her or did they fight?

i want/need time to fly by so i know what she decides to do. but because it may not turn out like i want, i don't want it to either.

i just want her. why is that so much to ask?

i just want her to be happy. (why can't she be happy with me? is -that- too much to ask?)

right now i just want her to come back. i've missed her. i want to hear her voice, talk to her, hear her laugh.

i want her back.

i just want her.

missing her

she wrote me a heart warming letter before we parted last week.

soon, we end this year and start another. what will be this year? will our lips finally touch? our eyes lock onto each other? our bodies warm with the others' touch, molding to each other? or will the new year end as this one and the last one ended - her in her life with him, me here or there or somewhere, without her? still not knowing her? still held at arms' length?

she moves me; when she opens up and talks to me, she touches me, moves me, influences me. i have a feeling that this will be the year that either we consummate our physical attraction or i finally accept that she won't meet me, won't touch me, won't have me.

we've been apart since thursday - 5 days and another to go. i've been "okay". okay in that i haven't crashed and become despondent or had a meltdown or similar. that's not to say B hasn't been with me, constantly. i woke very early saturday morning dreaming of her. it was a very erotic, intense dream. i woke feeling so alive, so invigorated, so loved, so -involved- with her. it was discouraging and depressing to feel that wear off as the reality of my surroundings and my situation slowly crept in. she was with me so strongly, so completely.

again monday morning, she woke me. not with the same kind of dream, but just her presence. i sat in a chair by the window in the study and stared into the night. i thought of her - what was she doing? was she still up? how was her christmas with him and his family? how's her time off with him been? is she feeling more "in place"? is she relaxed, enjoying her time off? does she think of me, miss me? highlights (and lowlights) of the past year came and went. i reached for her with all my heart and all my love. i wanted her, her touch, so much. i kept hearing her words before we left on thursday, and hoping hoping hoping that she was enjoying her holiday and that kept me sane.

and today im back at work. and i miss her so.

i can't wait to hear her voice again.

ramblings

today she leaves me for what seems like forever but is actually only an impossibly long time - 6 days. she'll be back in the office for two days next week, then gone for another 5. i wish she'd have been able to take the whole time off but she couldn't. i'm glad for me, because it means i'll get to talk to her again this year.

i'm having these meltdowns, panic attacks. three times now in four days. they come when i'm thinking about the reality of our situation - that i'll never have her. that there is no "us". what that means for the rest of my life. it's so wrong. we could be so right together. while we were talking yesterday i realized what the hole in my life is (besides -her- not being here). i'm not only alone, but i'm lonely. i want someone to love. but i only want it to be her. i have so much love i inside to give her. but it's hers and hers alone. i can't even imagine giving this love to anyone else, can't picture loving anyone else. can't even picture being with anyone else. i don't want to give my love, or me, to anyone else.

there's no room for anyone else in my heart. it's like i have to let my heart and my soul ?reabsorb? some of this love that i have for her, put it away somewhere safe. put it away because it'll never lessen, never be less. until then, there's no room for anyone else. and i don't want anyone else. any other love, any other lover would pale so much in comparison to her. it'd be a settling for so much less than what could be. what if there's never any room for anyone else? am i destined to always be lonely and alone because i love her so much? i want to, need to, hold her close, make love to her, tell her i love her. i always thought (and still do) that if i could somehow explain my feelings, tell her, show her what's in my heart for her that it would all work out. if she feels it too, how could it not work out? it's too perfect not to. i always thought that logic and reason and love would win out, even in the case of love. always thought that the rightness of what we feel would make it obvious that we need to be together, that we should be together. how could anything so right NOT prevail?

so maybe these long periods apart are a good time for me to start boarding up my heart. wrap it up tight so nothing leaks out, so she doesn't see it or feel it, because it doesn't do her any good to see it. so many people wait their whole lives for someone to love and for someone to love them. women (and some of us men, too) want someone who will love them unconditionally and completely and without reservation... a love that permeates every atom of their being. a perfect love, an infinite love. which is what i've found, what i have inside. but love is nothing if you keep it inside, its value comes when you give it away. and i can't give it away.

fuck

i don't think i ever realized it before; it just came to me... i know EXACTLY how she's felt over the last year or so...i think i was a lot closer to exactly the same thing, i was just one thing/event away from it.. it's like i was standing at the edge of the cliff, facing the other way and thinking everything was fine. the change made me just turn around and see.. whoa! nothing in front of me.

now that one thing has changed and i know exactly what she meant/felt. nothing. i have no desire. i'm so incredibly tired of living with no hope. the few things that i look forward to are so transitory, so fleeting, like a flare in the middle of the night - there and visible for a short time, then gone, the black flooding back in, obscuring everything.

i haven't been happy for years. i've thought i was, or at least on the path to happiness, in the last couple of years, but that was all based on hope, a wish.

now what? i don't want to live the future - it's gonna be long periods of unhappiness and sadness and loss punctuated by occasional moments of happiness. small peaks of good. oceans of vast blackness.

no choice. no options. no control. no desire to live. no reason to. nothing to hope for.

can't breathe. can't hope. can't see an end. or an out.

slapped

i've been slapped. and it hurt. a lot.

i made a mildly disparaging remark about bf and she slapped me. hard. hung up. bye. gone.

i guess i really touched a nerve.

i said i thought he'd done something (actually not done something) to make sure she had to leave the office right at 5. he'd done the same thing just a week earlier and she saw and admitted it. yet now, a week and a long weekend later, she's very defensive of him. it would seem she's become very vested in her life with him again. she's made clear, in no uncertain terms, where she stands.

i've been put in my place.

and the boundaries clearly drawn.

i didn't think it'd be so quick, that she'd so quickly reinsert herself in their life.

that she'd so quickly pull away from me. us. this.

i've lost. i've lost -her-. and it would appear that if i don't get that through my head i could lose her friendship too.

if i tell you

if i tell you i like you, does it make you feel as warm inside as it does me when you say that to me? do you have any idea how much your friendship, your connection suffuses me with warmth and goodness?

do you look ahead and see us still as friends in a year? five? ten? 30? can you see us as lovers? do you want to be lovers? and if you do, will you allow us to be?

if i tell you i want you, does it make you feel wanted? or does it push you away? does it make you feel sexual and sexy and wanted? do you feel arousal for me? do you want me like i want you? i want to hold you, touch you, feel you, hear you, smell you, taste you, love you. i want to feel your skin shiver as i lightly brush you with my fingertips or tongue. i want to hear your excitement softly moaned into the air. i want to smell your body responding to our touch, taste your excitement, your arousal. i want to hold you, be held by you, feel you pulling me into your body.

do you want me too B?

if i tell you i love you, does it push you away? or does it make your heart sing? does it make your soul happy? or does it make you sad?

i like you. i want you. and i ...

argh. again. again. again. again.again.

she called :-) we talked :-D

that's the good news.

on the other hand, i'm finding myself again fighting the swing of my emotions. fighting it. i hear her talking to him or describing their weekend and my mind fucking races, RACES ahead to the future.

i'm ?winning? the battle a little, in that i'm stopping myself from spiraling into the black oblivion below, but it feels like i'm holding myself up by pushing my arms and legs out against the walls of the wellshaft. i just have to not look down.

there has to be a chemical imbalance. it has to be. or she owns more of my heart than i realize. or than anyone else ever has.

========
interesting. in the 15 mins in took to write this, i've calmed, somehow managed to climb out of the well without falling in.

now i just have to do it every day for the rest of my life.

B

we had a very ?intense? conversation before we left each other on thursday night. we ended well - intense, even heavy, but well. my plans had been to go to see my daughter from friday to today, but last minute they changed. so i was still here friday.

i slept late, puttered around, then went to do my hobby thing. about 4, my phone rang.. it was her! now this is where i begin to see that the things she's been beating into my head about how we need to be are right.

i was so happy to hear from her, SO HAPPY! we chatted, talked about her day, mine, my change of plans, what i was going to do instead, etc. it was light, upbeat, friendly. and close. without saying it or discussing it, i knew it. she was -there-, we were close, it was good, so very good. when she had to go, i was disappointed, but not... crushed, not so overwhelmed with her going. in fact, that 12 minute phone call kept me happy all weekend. i missed her, i still so much wanted her to call again, but it was ok.

and today's a test, or sorts. will i start feeling crazed if she doesn't call me for an hour or more after she gets in? i hope not, i think not. i'll be anxious, sure, partly because i've missed her and just want to talk to her again.. and partly because... i need her.

B.

time apart

what do i do?

i have no influence. i can't convince her to meet me. or give me a picture. or make any changes at work. or take time off. or get an assistant. or stand up to him. or .. or.. or..

there's no time. none. she's overwhelmed at work. the office is closed tomorrow which means stuff that she would've had to get done tomorrow has to be done today. as if she didn't already have too much to do today. so double up on todays' already overbooked schedule.

she's off tomorrow so we won't talk tomorrow. or saturday or sunday, of course. so while we might have hoped for some extra talk time today that now seems unlikely.

she's only in a partial day monday, if at all. so less or no time on monday.

tuesday, wednesday, thursday. and i'll bet he expects her home early on thursday.

that's it till next year.

her stomach is acting up again - thanks, no doubt, to all the stress. work. him. and me.

wonderful.

i wonder what it'll be like to be away from her for such a long time. we haven't been out of touch for that long since... ever. not since we met.

i'm hoping that so much time off work (even though, knowing her, she'll work at home some), and hopefully lessening stress from him and no stress from me will have a positive, therapeutic effect on her. hopefully she'll start sleeping more, her stomach will calm down, she'll be able to get a handle on her life again. she needs time to regroup. with any luck maybe she'll even get to go to a movie by herself, a pleasure she hasn't had in way too long a time.

i wonder where "we'll" be when she comes back to work? it's always been a source of some ?issues? (for me) that she pulls back over the weekends. what'll happen after so long a time? and given that she's given up thinking about any possible "us", and so much time apart.. when she pulls back, will she have pulled back past the point of no return?

i'm already anxiously awaiting her return, our "reunion" next year.

hoping for what might be.

and fearing what might be.

marking milestones versus taking in the scenery

sigh.

i disappoint her so often. and myself.

she doesn't understand why eleven days of silence is something i'd think about.

how could you not??

i could no more ignore this upcoming ?absence? than i could ignore losing a leg. to me it's huge. it's a tremendous ?gap? in my life.

i can kinda understand though. she doesn't measure time. she's able to take what's here now as what there is. she lives life moment to moment. i don't. i measure my life, mark the passing of it by the milestones of when she's in it, and when she's gone, of when she'll next be in it. and in between those milestones there's - not life, but existence. waiting for the next time with her.

when she leaves me, the color leaves my world. there is black and white and grey. yes, occasionally there are flashes of color, but for the most part, there is only the absence of color. and then she returns and the world and life is in living Technicolor again. my life is periods of time spent with her interspersed with longer periods of time waiting for her to return.

she wonders how i could think of that, -why- i would think of it.

how could you not?

maybe i am a friend

sometimes i surprise myself by doing things i don't understand.

well, that doesn't surprise me. doing things that aren't self-serving, that really are for someone else's best interest, that really are ?selfless?

is it possible i really can be a friend?

I've been trying to get B to close her office for the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday between XMas and New Years'. It's already closed the Fridays and Mondays surrounding both holidays, so this would give her 11, count 'em, ELEVEN days off.

which she desperately needs.

Eleven days off - i don't think she's taken more than a week since i've known her. she needs the time off, the -block- of time off to decompress, to shed some tension, to get some sleep.

she knows it. but she fights it anyway.

Eleven days.

Eleven days without her. with NO chance of talking to her. or im'ing her. or emailing her. NO CHANCE. eleven days. fuck. just thinking about it i can feel the apprehension, the anxiety rising. fuck it - call it what it is - panic. eleven days. fuck. and that's on top of the turkey day week five days off and a couple of other days out of the office this month and this coming three day weekend. fuck. in the forty calendar days between 11/24/05 and 1/3/06, there's 12 weekend days and 28 business days. of the 28 business days, days we should have been able to talk, 11 of those days she was unavailable. almost half of the possible (?normal?) days. and now what is probably the longest single stretch of time since we met.

and at this point. when i'm just feeling better about us. when she's dropped all thought of anything beyond friendship with me. when she's back in her life. during the most ?emotionally? charged season of the year. a season of lots of times and opportunities for closeness - for those who have someone. and for those who don't, probably the most lonely, depressing time of the year.

eleven days lost. and now a stretch of eleven contiguous days.

the last two years we've at least been able to say hi on both holiday eves. not this year.

gotta breathe!

while i'm sure this is gonna be very fucking hard, it has to happen. she needs the time. it's better for her, so it's what should be.

but fuck. what timing.

eleven straight days.

in the next twenty two days, we'll only get to talk five days.

fuck.

it's for her. it's for her. it's for her. it's for her. it's for her.

hello lover. it's been a long time. too long.

i'm starting to get it. maybe it'll even stick this time, because what i'm hearing (finally -hearing-) now, i know she's told me before.

she's told me, point blank, flat out, that i'm important to her. very important. period. frankly, i haven't thought or believed that in some time.

we connected, were intimate, in a way, ways actually, that we haven't in a long time. not sex, but physical intimacy and longing that we haven't shared in, well, too long. for a long time i've kept that out of our day because i was sure she neither wanted nor missed it. i was wrong on both counts.

what we shared wasn't sex, although it was physical. it was intense and immediate, it was powerful and deep. it was the first embrace of lovers who've been apart for too long. much too long. yet it was unhurried. we shared it and enjoyed it. reveled in the rightness and the warmth and the familiarity of each others' touch.

gotta learn

i have to learn.

things are different. i can't expect that she's in a hurry to call. that it's one of the first things she'll do.

the urgency is mine.

back to work

this is always a hard time for me, although not unlike the friday nights, saturdays and sundays i am also forced to spend without her.

waiting for her to return from her real life. for her it's just coming back to work. for me it's like sunrise, the return of spring, the advent of color into a world of black and white.

i wonder what it's like for her? she's returning to work, to stress, to all the myriad of things that she needs to get done, to the frustrations of employees and business and all the rest. i know she doesn't wake monday anxious to get to the office so we can talk. instead it's almost a time of dread and anxiety for her.

and somewhere, sometime in the maelstrom she'll remember me.

so different from what i feel. i wait through interminably long weekends for monday mornings. wait, wait, wait so i can get back to work. not to -work-, but to -here-, which is where i talk to her. if i'm here, it means she's probably at work, which means we might talk. if i'm not here, she's not at work and we almost never talk otherwise.


=========

i thought being distracted by a hobby would help. it does and it doesn't. it does in that it distracts me for those hours, turns my attention away from the pain in my heart, from what i'm missing, from the thoughts of her living her life.

for a while.

but it doesn't lessen the -overall- amount of longing, of missing, of loneliness, of pain of not having her. given just a few moments to think about her, it all comes back.

profound sadness

is what i feel.

my landlady is having a party. people. happy people. people who have friends, who can flirt and joke and play.

people who have a love to go home to.

people who have a home they love to go home to.

as the evening progresses i see and realize that i am alone. profoundly, completely alone. my B is home with her lover. everyone i see here has someone. even if they're not all "paired", they have friends, fun, a life.

B has a life, again. a life to live, to enjoy, to spend with someone she wants to be with.

you make this veneer of normalcy, of a life, and for much, even most of the time, it's sufficient. but it's a lie and like any lie it crumbles under close observation.

she has a life, things to do, a holiday season to enjoy with her mate, family to visit, friends to entertain, a boat to decorate and parade. i thought she was withdrawing from life (with me) in fact she was, is embracing a real life. living a real life.

and i have to watch her go. help her go. hold the door for her to go back to the life she has.

i want my emptiness, my aloneness to end. but i want a particular resolution. an end that i can't have because she doesn't want it that way.

so i end it alone. i live this life alone.

tomorrow i know i'll be... not better, but a little bit not so bad.

but tonight i miss her so much. tonight i don't want to live this life, or any life, without her.

but it's not my choice.

so i'll sit. and drink. and try to drown my pain, my loss, my aloneness, my emptiness.

while she lays with and holds him. embraces their life together.

the first day of the rest of her life

i don't know what's happening or what's going to happen.

she's pulling away, kinda, because she wants no distractions while she looks at the life she has to see if she can be happy there.

she has to put me and us out of her mind whenever it comes to her. i'm fearful that she'll get really good at that, that it'll become habit and automatic, and that even when she wants to think of me/us, she won't. out of sight, out of mind; out of mind, out of luck.

what if she forgets the things she doesn't have but wants? then she'll just start to settle again. and we'll both lose.

and i have to stop putting things in front of her that are "us". but she doesn't get that all those things are what make us "us". i have to reign in my feelings and the things i say to her. she won't hear them, she'll realize eventually that she isn't hearing them anymore and think it's because i don't feel those things anymore. and as i observe her reacting to the absence of those things, i have to keep silent because she doesn't want me to say/show those things to her, so i have to not only hold them in, but watch as she incorrectly thinks i've pulled back. double, triple whammy.

i have no choice. no options. no say. no control. no influence. if i don't let her walk away, she'll suffer more and more, withdraw more and more from everything. and she'll stay where she is. and i'll have no chance of the future i want. and if i let her walk away, there's still a very good chance i'll never see the future i want. but at least there's a slim chance.

i have to give up all hope of everything i want. and help her turn her attention and affection back to him, to her life with him. help her enjoy him again. help her enjoy her life with him again. help her stay in the life she's chosen to be in for 8 years, the life she's chosen everyday for the last two years over the possibility of what she might find with me.

as her friend, it's what i would do. should do. will do. in the end, no matter what she chooses, she'll be happy. that's important. it's what i want too. as her wanna be lover, i'll either wind up ecstatically happy. or despondantly empty.

i just hope that if/when she chooses to stay in the life she's in that she'll still have some room for me to stay in her life. i don't know that's possible though, because if she stays, she'll need and want to be there, to be focused there, and I and all I represent would just be a distraction.

this is the first day of the rest of her life.

i wonder if it's the first day of the end of my life?

sometimes the emotion, the overwhelming sense of loss just creeps up and takes over. i tried to explain it to her when i wrote this:

my life will always be less for not having you than having you as my lover/partner/whatever. after having found -this-, i never imagined having to give it up. i guess part of it is having to realize that it's not the same for you as it is for me.... that you'll be quite happy in a life w/o me, that you don't need -me- to be happy, that you may already have it, or can find it elsewhere... feels so right, always felt so right i never even imagined that maybe it wasn't right for you. sometimes i'm not sure if it's a blow to my ego that i'm not what you want and other times it's just so ?shocking? that -i- could feel it so strongly but it not be mutual

wondering

waiting. for what?

time to pass, i suppose.

wondering if i'm going to make it.

the weight of silence

this is what it's gonna feel like. well, a taste of it anyway.

i suspect i pissed her off this morning with something i said. and all morning she's had no time for me. no interest in talking. or maybe she just had a really good night with him last night and she doesn't want to spoil it by talking to me.

i'm struggling under the weight of her silence, her coldness, her snubbing. it feels hard to breathe, like my chest is constricted. i can't concentrate. i stare at the im window, trying to -will- her to want me. or even to want to say something to me.

how much worse will it be when she doesn't respond to me at all? when she doesn't sign in for days on end, doesn't answer my emails, doesn't call?

macabre thoughts

Don't call the police, emergency services or the guys in the white coats. these are just thoughts.

random thoughts.

last night i was holding a piece of metal rod i took from a hobby item. it was about 20" long and thin (2-56 or about 1/8" in diameter). threaded on one end. as i was holding it in my hands i wondered if it would be possible to put it in one ear, push it through my head and out the other ear. would it hurt? would my consciousness alter as it went thru my brain? i think it'd miss the medula oblongata, so i don't think death would be immediate. would there be flashes of color? would old memories pop up? would senses be affected? is it possible there'd be no noticeable effect other than probable loss of hearing? what would they say in the ER?

i wonder if your life really does flash in front of your eyes in the moments before you die?

i've been in two accidents in the last few years. not so much in the last one (although it did occur) but in the first one, there was some definite time distortion. in the ?4? seconds from the time the first car hit me until the second did, time slowed waaaaay down. or maybe it's just that your thoughts speed way up? so where in that process does your mind switch from processing what you're seeing and experiencing to reviewing your life? does the brain make an evaluation that you're about to die, that there's no point in processing sensory input anymore, and then switches to more ?enjoyable? stuff?

if you shoot yourself in the head, does it hurt? do you hear the shot? does your consciousness just -end- or does it explode into pieces of thought before disappating forever?

when you drown, does your life just -stop-? or are you aware, once your lungs fill with water, that you're not getting air? do you keep trying to breathe, pushing water in and out, until asphyxia takes you? is there some brain function that recognizes "hey, i'm gonna die" and shuts off?

what emotion is this?

i'm angry, so angry. all the time. and sad.

i'm angry that life is unfair. that a love could be so important to one and not to the other. i'm angry that she doesn't want me. angry that i'm falling farther down the priority list. angry that she could just turn her back on it, this.

maybe not "angry". mad? upset? frustrated? and not with her, she is as she should be. i believe that we can't control who we love. just sad it's not me.

already we have less and less time. no time for watching things we talk about watching, no time to read, no time to talk, no time to email or im. as she turns more and more back to her life and starts enjoying that again and getting more and more involved in it, there'll be even less.

until... what? until there's none?

what'll i do then? when i cease to exist for her, will i cease to exist?

i hope so.

what's the point?

what's the point?

spinning the wheel

i'm standing neck deep in molasses. i can barely move.

mostly i can watch the world go by.

i have no control over anything. i'm the kid in the car seat. spinning the wheel, beeping the horn, flashing the lights on my little pseudo-car, my actions have no influence on the direction of my life.

i need to get back to my home state (home - there's an interesting concept, one which i don't feel applies to me anymore, anywhere) to see my daughter. it's been too long since i've seen her, not that she cares or notices.

i've been talking about, thinking about, meaning to make my reservations for weeks. i can't seem to do it.

i can't stand the thought of being so close to B - when she still has no interest in seeing me. lunch is all i asked for, just a couple of hours. she can't, won't. i can't stand the pain of being so close yet being no closer. it's stupid, i know. i know she doesn't understand my feelings, how much it hurts that she keeps her distance.

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

not so much happiness. lots of tears.

time flies. and then it's too late. and then you're dead.

B

B.

nothing else.

there is nothing else.

loneliness

we were talking a little bit about loneliness this morning.

it occurs to me that there are two kinds of being alone.

there's being by yourself. and there's being lonely - without someone; -that- someone.

being by yourself is fine. everyone's alone in this way at some time, probably a lot of the time. it could be as "immediate" as being in the office alone or spending an evening alone, without anyone else around. in many ways, i prefer being alone. certainly i prefer it to constantly being with people just for the sake of not being alone. alone time can be good time, recharge time.

being without someone is different. you can be lonely, as in without someone, in the middle of a crowd. when that special someone that you want to be with isn't there (either because you haven't found them yet or because they don't feel the same way about you or because they're just not attainable), -that's- being lonely.

being alone (type 1) is a constantly changing state. people come and go throughout your day, your week, your month, your life, all the time. this kind of alone time is something you look forward to, time to recharge, think, relax in peace, just chill. watch the sunset. read. think. sit in quiet.

being lonely (type 2) is so completely different. there's only one cure for lonely - "that someone". you can cure being alone by just finding people to be around, even if it's something as impersonal as work or a restaurant or a crowded place. but you can't just call someone up to go have a beer with to cure being lonely. you have to find them, or they have to find you. there has to be a spark, a connection, a mutual acknowledgement. both have to reach across the quiet chasm else you're still lonely.

put the two kinds of lonely together... phew! the effect is more than the sum of the parts. this is when people get really depressed. desperate.

when you're lonely, being alone is ofttimes better than being with people. especially when the other people aren't lonely in their lives. when they have someone, it just makes your own solitude, your own "alone-ness" so much more obvious, so much more heavy to bear. it makes the emptiness of your own life so much more apparent. so much harder to avoid looking at. so much more painful. especially when you know "the one", know what could be, but are powerless to affect anything.

and what of a future where loneliness is the only foreseeable future? the only path open before you?

with loneliness and being alone and being able to observe people not alone but never being able to fix your own alone-ness... what do you do with that?

what's the point of a future like that?

two seconds. over and over

i relive the same two seconds about 50 times a day.

two short seconds that are comprised of about a hundred thoughts and a roller coaster of emotion.

they're not always the same step by step, but the gist of it is always the same. starts and ends in the same place.

her. B. warmth. love. beauty. my heart fills. something about her pops to the forefront of my consciousness; a snippet of conversation, a picture, an email, an event. sometimes an -entire- saturday conversation pops up and it feels like i relive it in its entirety in one second. i'm suffused with warmth and love and connection. and then reality. she won't meet me. him. her and him in their life. phones. email. the distance. then back to love. desire. my soulmate. distance. her pulling back to look at her life. the painful realization that she'll probably never meet me. her. her being, her presence surrounds me, buoys me. the sound of her voice saying my name. hearing her say "i love you". hearing her say "fuck you". her face, her laugh.

and at the end of it, i'm alone. she's with me, still. as much of her as she'll let me have. i'm warmed and lifted and smiling. and off to the side of me, visible and in my sight (but maybe if i don't think about it it'll go away) is the knowledge that she's not mine, that i'll never hold her, kiss her, smell her, feel her in my arms.

the greater good

the greater good. the interests of the one against the interests of the many.

looking back, i have to wonder if sacrificing myself wouldn't have been better for so many other people.

it seemed like a good idea at the time. my ex and my friend both talked to me about depression. i began to see and accept that, yeah, i was probably depressed. with their encouragement, i sought treatment - drugs and therapy.

i got better.

i destroyed lives in the process.

okay, maybe destroyed is a little dramatic. certainly, i've upset for the worse several lives. my ex, my daughter, my ex-family.

most of all my B. my beloved B.

i was better. i finally felt i was out of the pit of black that had surrounded me for so long. i'd found B. she lit me, lit my world. she made my heart race. she still does.

and yet, all the people i've ever cared about have ultimately suffered by my being released from depression.

even though it would mean never having known B, if i could, i would go back and refuse treatment. whatever good B may have gotten from knowing me has been offset by the harm i've caused her sense of self. i may have still hurt my family because eventually i may have suicided or run away or just given up.

but i wouldn't have hurt B.

the knowledge that i did that is too much to bear. the pain and defeat and hurt i hear in her voice. when i weigh that against how we were at one time, how we -could- be, given the chance, i realize that ...

i've hurt B, the woman i love more than i've ever loved anyone, more than i've ever hurt anyone else.

what a nice legacy. what a nice gift to give to my beloved.