after our conversations on friday, and some unexpectedly ?positive? email, i was apprehensive and yet... felt supported or uplifted somehow, about going into the weekend. i had to move this weekend, yet another step on the life path that i fucked up last year. more and more painful reminders of how i had EVERYTHING i wanted almost right in the palm of my hand - and i lost it.
but still, thoughts of her and her words were with me, kept me positive (as positive as i've been able to be lately). i reread our chats and emails several times, both trying to discern exactly what she was saying (-was- it positive, or was i just imagining it to be so?), drawing some comfort from them, and wondering if in fact i was just deluding myself.
and then, monday.
and it's like bam, bam, bam.
i actually had the audacity to think that, after friday, she'd be ?eager? to get back in touch. BAM.
we'd talked about reading over the weekend, which i did, loving every minute, even trying to do it when i speculated she might be doing it. BAM. that she said she wanted to, intended to points out how good her life must be these days. BAM. probably bf was out of town over the weekend and she spent it with her lover. BAM BAM BAM.
all weekend i sent her thoughts, comments, things to talk about when we talked. BAM
how can i blame her though? look what i did to her. and to us.
i feel like all that's happening in my life right now is some cosmic karmic retribution for what i did to her. there's no action on the job search. my taxes for last year, alimony, child support and amex bill will wipe out my bank account by the middle of april at the latest. the cash i have on hand might carry me another six weeks. after that? bankruptcy. telling the ex that i can no longer pay her. my daughter is over 18 and in college, so the child support was voluntary on my part; not that i want to stop, and i'd continue aiding her as much as possible. oh, and let's not forget that my career niche is fading away and i don't have the money to pay to cross train into something else and even if i did, starting in something new wouldn't earn me what i need to pay alimony -and- eat. oh, and did i mention the foreclosure last year and the shortfall judgment that is waiting on the horizon?
well, at least my estate will pay a few more years of alimony. lucky her.
and in the time i have left, B has already said she has no desire to see me.
have a great day everybody!
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Please don't give in. Life sounds really hard for you right now, but I don't believe life punishes us - what have children starving in war torn countries done to deserve their lot? - the theory just doesn't add up. I hope you will stay strong and not give up. You sound like an intelligent, caring guy - I can tell that just from your words. Sometimes amazing things happen if we are willing to wait - not necessarily in the ways we hope but we look back with retrospect and can't believe how far we have come.
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